Death Metal Dads

The Dads are back after a long absence, and dive into a veritable treasure trove of Floridian folklore, spanning the dirty basements that spawned Death to the cocaine-crusted speedboats fearlessly captained by Jimmy Buffett. Also more Sweatpants Chat.

Further pontifications as follows: Oh, The Huge Manatee, The TV That You Watch The News On That Is Also On The News On TV, A Furious Rant About Dickholes And Buttflaps, A Requiem For Tom Petty, Rat Weed And Playgrounds, DMD Gets A New Recording Device, How Many Marleys?, The Inert Police Force of Colorado Springs, Colorado, That Thing That Happened With The Dick Pics And The Oakland Police Department, Lieutenant Joe Kenda Always Gets His Man, How To Not Make Friends And Not Influence People, Interdimensional Lovecraft Portal Shit, Sunn Ra))), Alameda: Where The Past And The Future Collide, Supportive Funky Kong ASMR Videos, Friendly Crackheads, YOU'RE NO PRIZE!, Listener "Rod" And The Sweatpants Conundrum, Blood Duster: Season 12 Material, Euro Porn Dudes, A Cautionary Tale, Real-Ass Trainheads, Huey Lewis' Cock, Militia Etheridge, The Artimus Pyle Defense, Death The Band Vs. Death The Activity, Aesop's Connection To The Hijackers Responsible For 9/11, Head Parrothead, Stories of The Intercoastal Waterway, Manatees: The Morons of The Sea, A 40 Dollar Coke-Booger, The Thrill-Seeking Teens of Hollywood, Florida, A Lot of Talk About John Hand, Freeway Rick Rozz, Death Metal Grandpas, 6 Months of Community College And The Resulting Consumption of Hot Pockets, An Angular, Spindley, Fucked Up Thing, Aura Noir Cologne, The Mind Lamp, Shelby Getting Exposed As A Total Hippie, Dad Sex, The DMD Bump, and, as always, Fatherly Advice. Be nice to dogs!

Music:

Death, "Evil Dead"

Manilla Road, "Flaming Metal System"

CATCH THE DEATH METAL DADS LIVE THIS WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1ST, AT THE ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION POST-HALLOWEEN DECOMPRESSION FIASCO AT THE PUNCHLINE SF!

Join The 27 Club with The Dads as they welcome their best friend (and father of modern podcasting) Cory Sklar (Chaki, the internationally-renowned Illogical Contraption Radio) to the show, in a dark and subtly nuanced conversation about fucking couches, doing blow, slapping bass, and dodging nukes. Will they find the creamy center of Cory's brain, and figure out what makes this funky balladeer's inner time bomb tick? Your guess is as good as mine!

Also infernally exalted herein: Playing Megadeth Covers In A Hungry Hunter In 2030, A Guy That Needs A Pocket Pussy, Lox of Love, Moving To A Monastery And Making Dungeon Synth, Can I Fuck Your Kids First?, Brown Nazis, Snorting Coke With The Guy From Iron Butterfly, Great Moments In Guns N Roses Bloopers History, Delivering A Goat Head To The Oakland Metro, Sunny Day Real Estate Agents, Mall Metal, Ken M In The Yahoo Comments, Ted McGinley: Horseman of the Apocalypse, No Snow No Show, Ian From Skrewdriver, Talking About Jawbreaker In 2017, Bumblefoot Chat, The Goth Onion, Trey Azagthoth's Pancakes, Sleep Are Still Playing, Supportive Pit Dad, The Dave Murray Color Chart, Penis Injuries, A Cacophony of Dead Musicians AKA The Ungodly Racket, A Requiem For Metal Inquisition, Bedroom Shredders, Happy Suffocation, Rivetheads, Really Nice Guys, Self-Addressed Stamped Envelopes, Crying At A Promise Ring Show For A Whole Different Reason, Are You #Triggered?, Every Other House Is Racist, Beastmaster Stuff (The Ferrets Will Save Him), C-Level vs Sea Level, Your Led Zeppelins And Your Mick Jaggers, A Lot of Cadillacs On The Block And Fringe Jackets, A Whole Lifetime of Fabricating Pussies, Girlfriend (For A Night), Quinn/Martin Productions, The Proper Plural of Abacus, Moustache Wives, The Best Possible Outcome, Na'Vi Fleshlights, Sweatpants In The Wild, Bob Eubanks Scoring Weed, A Dog That Loads Gear, Tech Death Athleticism, Bizarro-World Clickbait, The Guy That Shot Alexander Hamilton, Getting Kicked Out of The Elks Club In Snoqualmie Falls, Prison Vagina, Judging Disabled Children, Send Us Dildos!, Metal Nerds, Frank Mullen: The DMD Jackalope, The Great Milenko, Aliens And Bigfoots, Missing The 90s, The Monty Python of Death Metal (Just Less Entertaining), Is Death An "Ailment"?, Living In A Castle Like Enya, Florida Springsteen, The Kiwanis Club, Enough Hate For Burners AND Nazis, The DMD Bump, and, as always, Fatherly Advice. It's a solid "also-ran"!

Music:

Cancer, "CFC"

The Hook, "Son of Fantasy II"

In today's exhaustive expulsion of erratic estimations, the Dads are joined in the loud and stinky bowels of the Oakland Music Complex by comedian, weirdo, vocalist, and fellow dad Scott Vermeire (Sad Vicious, Talkies). After a couple shots of Jeppson's Malort, the conversation quickly turns to sadness and desperation, culminating in the cathartic howls of grown men paying tortured obeisance to their own quiet mortality. Dick jokes too!

Also contained within these cursed 80 minutes: An Awkward Encounter, One Million Tugs, Vaudeville!, The Traditional Consumption of Regional Liqueurs and Resulting Regrets (Two-Fisted Enthusiasm), Endless Elder Archons, Blowing Hobos, Fetish-Inclusive Boner Chat, The Menstrual Hut, Rastafarians And Naughty Dogs, Fretless Bass Corrections Officers, The Thing That Happened At Sketchfest, A Vicious Bicycle From Minnesota, The Return of The Thing About The Dog And The Peanut Butter, Investing Time And Money In Specifically Non-Marketable Entertainment Ventures, The Radley Metzger Story (A Full-On Beej), MESSAGETRIBES!, The Smell of the Rag That The Uncle Used, A Small World, A Big Mistake, Yelling Things On Public Transportation, Getting Drunk At A Wedding And Misplacing Your Child, The Return of Borscht Belt Comedy, Pornography And Telephones, Totebaggin', Lord Iffybottom And The Bawdy Tale of The Naked Chicken Chalupa, Jerkin' It To 'Barry Lyndon', Huggalos, Feeding The Sea Monkeys, A Little Horse, Why There Aren't Any Asian People In The Bay Area, Dad Sex, Unintentional Fatherly Advice, and, as always, the DMD Bump. We're tired of doing this!

Music:

Pavor, "Corpses"

Chaki, "Tired of Sex"

Join the Dads as they celebrate their quarter-century episode deep in the dank dungeons of Earhammer Studios, with none other than its proprietor and sole beneficiary Greg Wilkinson (Brainoil, DeathgraVe). Things get weird fast and everyone involved becomes very uncomfortable. Will the Dads get out alive?! 

Also discussed: Unexplained Swelling, The Removal of Testament-Related Memories, Oxiplegatz Chatz, Two Thirty-Gallon Trashcans Full of Empty Olympias (Courtesy of Schlong), Spiking Our Downloads By Just Dying, Nasty Sax, A Klean Kanteen Full of Urine, The Unhinged Guy From Pavor/Bethlehem, Graves At Seaside, Podcast of the Year Material, Skydiving Without A Parachute, A Totally Forgettable Recording Experience, Pig Champion On A Diet, Sacramento Jack Lemmon, The Italian Word For "Viagra", Please, My Father Was Mr. Brainoil, Grampas of Sludge, Party Fouls, Thomas Hatin' Church, Evanescencey Lady-Singing, Cambodian Food, Just "Pibb", Kids These Days And Their "Internet Memes", Chad Gailey's Green Card, Day of the Dad, Awesome Lawnmowers, The Other Deicide, Emailing From Five Feet Away, Origins of the Dickhammer, Camping With Fern, Too Extreme! vs Extreme 2, Lobotomized, Phlebotomized, Band Tinder, Fretless Bass, A Zornesque Element, You're Invited! (In Spirit), "I'll Suck Your Dick For An Old Tin Can", by Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty, Scene Luminaries, What You Can And Can't Be Proud Of, Showin' Some Ankle, Exit The Void, Closing Lots of Pornhub Tabs, Goatcunt, Terms of Endearment, Those Knuckleheads in Congress, Part 7, Diminutive Skinsman Ira Harris, Tone Boners, Alternative Rock And The Alt-Right, An Elvis Impersonator That Pisses On You, Sex Solicitation, Don't Be A Possum, You CAN Be Replaced, Listener Emails, The DMD Bump, and, of course, Fatherly/Gregerly Advice. It's a solid B minus!

Music:

Seance, "Who Will Not Be Dead"

DeathgraVe, "Seeping Through The Shoebox"

The Dads will be performing LIVE as part of the annual Illogical Contraption Halloween Special Wednesday, November 1st at the Punchline in San Francisco!

(PS: Debra Winger Dies At The End.)

In today's salacious and enthralling installment, the Dads are joined by ultra-homie Pranjal Tiwari (Cardinal Wyrm) for a jocular journey full of tantalizing tales, disingenuous diatribes, and superlative stories. It's a outre odyssey of  prolific proportions!

Also contained herein: Brazilian Fart Girls vs Cakefarts, How To Say "Sepultura", Altar de Faygo, Don't Be Sad About Celtic Frost, Riot Porn vs Poverty Porn vs Siqq Riff Porn, A Special Message For People Without Eyes, Aesop's YouTube Hacks, The (Pod)Casting Couch, A Celebration of Our 100th Episode, Out of Dads, Cleaning Up The Dismembered Pig Fetus, The Clawfinger Problem, Polish Metal Beef, A Long Meandering Story About Cunty Dudes Who Don't Understand How Money Works, Os Mutantes and Stan Getz and Brazil Nuts and Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil', A Shout Out To The Pubes On The Back of 'Cold Lake', Supporting A Family By Touring With A Mediocre Death Metal Band, Don't Call That Mexican A Mexican, "Troops of Doom": The "Freebird" of Metal, Every Band In China Is A Children of Bodom Cover Band, Cherry Orchard Chat, The Good Ol' Days of Colonialism, That Time On July 1, 1997, When Hong Kong Became 'The Purge' For Half An Hour, Tom Hanks Movies About Dudes With AIDS, Taking The Kids To See 'A Serbian Film', Elven Aerosmith: Dreams vs Reality, That Old Hobbit Who Does Sound at The Dive Bar in Vegas, Bro-piercer, Alien Fresh Jerky, Weird Al's Underground Record Label, This Whole Nuclear Holocaust Thing, "The Vasectomy Didn't Work", The Panda Express Located In Shelby's Back Yard, At The Gates: Corporate McDonald's-Sponsored Eyeliner Mallcore Crap, The Solar-Powered Flashlight, These Colors Don't Run, A Whole House Full of DMD Money, Puppy Diarrhea, A Guy In A Banana Suit In The Pit, Six People Paid At The Door, Bay Area Quasi-Nazi Metal Legends Blitzenhammer AKA SS Dagger, The DMD Bump, and of course Fatherly Advice. This one is a solid ground-rule double!

Music:

Sepultura, "Propaganda"

Cardinal Wyrm, "Dreams of Teeth"

Shelby and Aesop are back on the couch with Episode 23 (NOT 24), a philosophical exploration of all things political, gastrointestinal, musical, nautical, nonsensical, and psychedelic. Is it worth your time? There's only one way to find out...

"Sextons of the churchyard

Have seen unblessed things; Ground no longer hallowed Has sprouted new graves. Descendants of clan That unsurped maternity hear whispers in their blood; This summons of the Fathers. Adherence to the principle Of 'man by woman born'... Anachronistic ritual Soon to be obsolete. 'Forgive me Father For I know not what I do; My grave beckons As irresistable as drawing breath.'"

- Lord Worm

"Bleh"

- also Lord Worm

Music:

Cryptopsy, "Graves of the Fathers"

Night Sun, "Got A Bone of My Own"

I'm fucking tired of doing these write-ups. It's late and I have to work in the morning. We talk about Mortician in this one and then get all bummed. Listen to it, or don't. We don't fucking care. Cheers.

Music:

Mortician: "Chainsaw Dismemberment"

Thrones: "Obolus"

The Dads are barely holding it together, and enter a marriage-counseling office in Jingletown, USA, to see if they can miraculously salvage their podcast. Assisting them is engineer, dad, and founding member of Weezer Jason Cropper, whose indispensable advice and knowledge just might heal Death Metal Dads. Can the show be saved?!

Also on the menu: Fusion Confusion, Rockabillypocalypse, Legal Weed in Mayberry, Tissue Issues, Hobo Hand-Me-Downs, Hakuna Matata vs Napalm Death, Philosophical Explanations of Mr. Ed and Gilligan's Island, The Power Station (Sex Club), The Power Station (Concert Venue), Cleaning Up After Dogstar, Not Playing Metal: The Path To Success, A Re-Visiting of The Barney Greenway The Big Purple Dinosaur Joke, Not Even "Milton Berle Good", Just Eat Bugs Like In The Lion King, George Glass, Shitler's List, A Friendly Conversation Between Friends, His Wife's Magic Pussy, Crimpshrine Chat, Mendocino County Reggae Bands of the Late 80s and Early 90s, Schwarzenegger Soundboards and How They Are Used, Kurzweil, Jung, Freud, and Francis The Talking Mule, Blastbeats, French-Cambodian Cuisine, Getting Pitted, Funktown Graffiti and How Aesop Names Neighborhoods, Psychedelic Warriors, The 'Judgement Night' Soundtrack, The Colors of Weezer, Progressive Shred, Chris Cornell's Starbucks Order, Fuzz, Gazzari's, TV's 'Beauty And The Beast' Starring Ron Perlman, Anti-Semitism, Unrepentant Potheads, I Can't Drive 25, Head Injuries, Fatherly Advice, and a very dead-people themed DMD Bump. Get trippy!

Music:

Napalm Death, "Suffer The Children"

Piero Umiliani, "Magical Children"

It's our very last episode. RIPDMD.

Music:

Merciless, "Souls of the Dead"

Dust, "Thusly Spoken"

In this very very special non-denominational Mother's Day episode, the Dads take a knee with Shelby's ACTUAL mom, Jeri, in an attempt to explain just exactly HOW he got to be so awesome. Myths are dispelled, legends crumble, and also they spend about 20 minutes straight talking about diaper-shitting. I dunno.

Also jabbered upon: Humboldt County Stereotypes Reinforced, Typical Deer-Repellant Salesman Maneuvers, Naming Children Sucks (Arguments For Abstinence), Cocaine Christmas With Mom, Further Complaints About Insertion, Virtual Reality Wookiee Grandpa, From Toilet To Toothbrush, Nazi Car: The Movie, Elaboration Collaboration, The Most Beautiful Taco Bell In The World, Post-Traumatic Cruiser, A Head-On Collision With The Fudge Truck, Dead Dad Revenge Selfies (Wacky Hat Edition), Those Knuckleheads In Congress: Part 2, A Paragon of Wholesomeness, Bootleg Fugazi Shirts, Fecal Chloroforms, Pants-Peeing, The Importance of Sucking First, Remembering L'Trimm, No Butt Stuff, Shitty Tipper Gore, Aesop: The College Years, Just Throw Away Your Clothes At That Point, A Good But Not Great Taco Salad, C+ Pizza Puns, BE PROUD, 12-Year-Old Shelby Kills The Record Industry, Bird Face, A Pumpkin With A 5 O'Clock Shadow, Raising A Candy-Ass, Getting Laid At Auschwitz, A Flashback To A Summer Romance Circa 1972 And The Death Metal Albums That Were Popular That Year, Garth Brooks Chat, Gay George Strait, One Listener Email, New Submission Rules, Ye Olde DMD Bump, and of course, Fatherly Advice.

Happy People's Day To All!

Music:

Monstrosity, "Imperial Doom"

Eddie Noack, "Psycho"