Death Metal Dads

The Dads sit down with a young person (Mr. Ezra Lux) for a spirited discussion on shit films, shit music, shit culture, and shit people. It's super shitty. And yet there's so much more!

Also discussed herein: Jerking Off In The Cops' Waffles, The Shortest Elk, What Color Are A Deer's Antlers?, Willing To Kill For A Tank of Slurpee, Bowing Down To The Tin Lords, 14 Cobb Salads and 88 Pastrami Reubens, Questionable Banter About Sand People, Store-Brand Metamucil Chat, I Hate Necks, The Phantom Menace: Greatest Film of All Time, Beasts of The Southern Wild V: Beasts of The Southern Wild In Space, Working Out At The James, Giving Out Hand Williams, and Hanging Out With Richard Bags, Oakland Mussolini, Folk Music Fathers, Stipulations of Shelby's Parole, Karl Sanders: Chicken Entrepeneur, 4 Minutes of Frank Mullen Breathing, "Rock You Like A Hurricane (Get Over Here!)" by Scorpion, Dead Horse Meets Stick, Patricide Tips, Reviewing Metal Albums via Cheese Puns, The Greasy, Mayonnaise-Covered Hands of America's Youth, Eyebrows Podcasts, Cat-Fucking, Sandwich Economics, Visit Scenic Utah!, The DMD Bump, and of course, Fatherly Advice. It's an all-time slammer-jammer!

Music:

Nile, "Barra Edinazzu"

Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Someday never Comes"

Contact: [email protected]

Aesop and Shelby return from a month off, re-invigorated and better than ever, with this sweeping ode to the mighty time-traveling, synthesizer-tickling entity known as NOCTURNUS. It's a dark and treacherous voyage, fraught with thrills, chills... and KILLS!

Discussed herein: Those Knuckleheads In Congress, Matthew Barney Greenway The Big Purple Dinosaur, "-ER Bands", Hot Dutch Teens, Night Ribs (A BBQ Sauce Mystery), A Message To Our Fans, Weird Dumplings, Calzone Killzone, A Travel Pussy Purchased In A German Gas Station, Brooms 'N Rashes, Dutch Kiddie Porn, Bucharest's Onion District, Mom Chat, IRL Emails & Pedal Punishment, Family Shitting Time, Half Our Age But Twice As Good, The Reverse Dekker vs. The Double Deuce, Extremity News, A Lederhosen-Clad Toddler, The Inspection Shelf, Sub-Genres, Hoagie-Genres, Grinder-Genres, Nazi Dads Bonding Over Pepe Memes, Death To False Pizza, Flagrant Use of Keyboards, ENTER THE DROIDS!, Slamming The Old Lady's Ham, More Questions About Sweatpants, K-Swiss: The Best Fucking Shoe, Yonkers Death vs. The World, Real Neat Songs, Requiem For The Naked Chicken Chalupa, Censoring Justin Ennis, Sandal Chat, Kevin Smith's Canklejorts, Unfrozen Caveman Hesher, A Wooden Bowl With Every Kind of Animal In It, as well as everyone's favorite segments: Dad Sex, Fatherly Advice, Listener Emails, and the good ol' DMD Bump!

Music:

Nocturnus, "Droid Sector"

Parliament, "Oh Lord, Why Lord/Prayer"

THE DEATH METAL DADS WILL BE PERFORMING LIVE WITH TALKIES AT THE LOST CHURCH IN SAN FRANCISCO THIS FRIDAY, APRIL 7 AT 10PM!

We're one bullet away from a gay President. And that's pretty cool.

1,000 listener emails, Dad Sex, Fatherly Advice, The DMD Bump, live audio from the Dads' appearance at SF Sketchfest 2017, and a bonus Death Metal Drive Thru courtesy of Chase from Gatecreeper.

Music:

Dead Congregation, "Martyrdoom/Hostis Humani Generis", "Subjugation"

Blood, Sweat and Tears, "And When I Die"

Live video of DMD at Sketchfest posted at deathmetaldads.com

Contact: [email protected]

Join the Dads and their very special guest Dave Adelson (20 Buck Spin) for a mind-blowing journey into the heart of darkness, the soul of silliness, the mouth of madness, and the butt of jokes. 

Discussed herein: The Mistake By The Lake, Part 2, The Harrowing Tale of the 15-Inch Burrito, Shelby Does Not Know The Guest's Name, Contra Costa County's Rich Metal History, What Max Bowman Smells Like, More Talk About The Steve DiGiorgio Statue, Fundamental Misunderstandings About Distance And Time, Sports Bars, Face-Punching, Bike Rides, Aesop's Mouth Gets A Timeout, A Trip To Applebee's, An Unpleasant Hill, HM-2 Pedals, Pinning The Sadness-ometer, Sour Cream Stains, The Hellwitch House, A Chance For Shelby To Perform His Infamous Jello Biafra Impersonation, A Gratuitous Mention of Broken Hope, Playing On Demos That Don't Exist, Driving Angry, A Shout Out To Mortiis, Cancer THE BAND, Climorta Skuld, Wild Rags Chat, Dudes That Kill Their Moms, Lack of Research, The Guitarist From Pearl Jam's Uli Jon Roth Cover Band, Collecting Paul Lynde Memorabilia, Necropolis Records and Condiments and The Loo, Fake-Tittied Nuns, The DMD Bump, and, of course, Fatherly Advice. This one REALLY doesn't suck very bad!

Music:

Entombed, "Abnormally Deceased"

Queen, "All Dead, All Dead"

In 2017's very first episode of DMD, Aesop and Shelby ride a veritable carousel of questionable and low-brow topics, in a laudable (no wait, AUDIBLE) effort to make sense of the cruel and death-filled month that was December 2016. It's a colon-cleansing romp of epic proportions!

Discussed herein: Truth and Freedom in Podcasting, Facefucked By Mr. Belding, All He Wanted Was A Chocolate Milk, Hate Mail From John Hand, Brett Hoffmann's Feelings About The Broward County Jail, A Fecal "Irish Goodbye", Carrie Fisher Chat, The Cut of George Michael's Jib, Dan Blocker From Television's 'Bonanza', The Dune Holiday Special, Cynthia Rothrock You Like A Hurricane (Of Martial Arts and Mom Jeans), The Anal-conda, Chris Hansen: TV's #1 Cock-Blocker, Sweatpants Chat, Aesop's Abortion, Shelby's Speed-Pill Addiction, A Gyroscopic Thing Flying Into A Butthole In Space, Jeff Goldblum's Cock, Suspicions About Rototomas' Sobriety, Spermicidal Tendencies, Chugging NyQuil, Assholes From Modesto, Nuclear War Later!, The Finished-Upon Obituary Hat, Psyllium Husk Pro Tips, Rum-Chata, Cleveland: The Mistake By The Lake, Empty Nest, Dear John, and Other Sad 90's TV Shows, Bus Boners, Extremely Liberal Use of the Word "Faggot", The Strange and Public Termination of Gus Rios, The DMD Bump, Fatherly Advice, and a heaping portion of unsolicited "bonus material". It sucks, but you'll learn to like it. Don't take it personal.

Music:

Malevolent Creation, "Multiple Stab Wounds"

Q Lazzarus, "Goodbye Horses"

Contact us: [email protected]

Welcome to Episode 2 of Death Metal Dads: DAD BY DAWN! In this chapter, the beautiful and talented Mike Scheidt (Yob, Vhol) joins Shelby and Aesop LIVE at the Phallus Palace to discuss various and sundry topics, including (but not limited to): Openly Weeping Over Star Trek TNG, A Table For One At Denny's And The Resulting Food Sadness, Train Sounds, Penis Metal, Sharkfuckin'/Fast As A Shark (Depending On The Specific Shark And Type of Transportation Involved), Wesley Grindcrusher, Elephant Walrus Mating Season, More Train Sounds, Glen Benton Shampooing His Hair In The Ladies' Room, Steve Asheim's Insurance Seminar/Doing Donuts In A Hummer In The Parking Lot Behind The Venue, A Goat Semen Shirt at The PTA Meeting, Captain Picard's Pennywhistle, Four Frowny Bald Tough Dudes And A Jazz Dad, JESUS even MORE Train Sounds?, Visigoth Baking Hudson's Melon, Aesop Having Sex With A Horribly Disfigured Freak, Mike Getting Dimebagged, Deicide Mondegreens, The Cocoa-Demon, Fucking Your Friends' Moms, Fish Nipples, and of course, everyone's favorite segment Fatherly Advice. Followed by more Train Sounds. Music: Deicide, "Dead By Dawn" Vhol, "The Desolate Damned"

Contact: illogicalcontraption

(Re-issued Dec 2016 to DMD Libsyn feed)

Pour yourself a nog and stuff those stockings--it's a brand new top-secret Holiday episode of DMD featuring Jackie Perez-Gratz (Giant Squid, Grayceon, Amber Asylum) and Aaron John Gregory (Giant Squid, Khorada, Squalus)!

It's a wacky, family-friendly thrill ride, with lots of silly chat about topics such as: Abortion, Intra-uterine Cannibalism, Child Murder, Nazis, Terrorism, Large Men Having Sex In Small Toyota Paseos, Prehistoric Sharks, Jimmy Buffett Metal, Laundry Day Metal, Cocaine, Winters Tavern, Midriff-Baring Shirts, Really Short Jogging Shorts, Green Jelly, Jello Biafra, Cello Biafra, Green Cello, Izzy Stradling, Yanni DiFranco, Sensible Footwear, Dental Hygiene, Impolite Off-Mic Chatter From Both Ezra The Producer And Pepper The Infant, Listener Emails, Dad Sex, The DMD Bump, and of course, everyone's favorite segment, Fatherly/Motherly Advice. Have a listen, won't you?

Music:

Atheist, "Mother Man"

Giant Squid, "Neonate"

Contactthe Dads: [email protected]

It's the much anticipated debut of Illogical Contraption's newest unneccesary spinoff, DEATH METAL DADS!

In this pilot episode, your intrepid hosts Shelby and Aesop discuss Dadness, Sadness, Madness, Death Metal addiction, Valentine's Day, Natural Purple Watermelon Flavor, Morbid Angel, and Floridian Rednecks, all the while floating on a bromantic cloud of Lick Me All Over incense.  

Don't take the brown acid!

Music:

Morbid Angel, "Lord of All Fevers and Plagues"

Queen, "Father To Son"

(Re-issued Nov 2016 to DMD Libsyn feed)

Rejoice! Shelby is back from tour and Aesop is willing to take a break from posting pictures of records on Instagram for just long enough to record another (guestless) episode of DMD! Shit gets hairy in this one, so strap in for a thrill ride of epic proportions...

Discussed herein: Sex Bigots, Grabbin' Pussies To W.A.S.P., Manowar Chat, Aesop Flaking on Work, A Follow-Up Email From "Porky Pig" re: List-Metal, Alcest vs. Incest, Mortiishead, "You Were Conceived To 'The Bleeding', Son", A Discussion Regarding DMD Signature Headwear, Goat Semen: Literally The Siqqest Shirt Ever, The Karl Sanders Story, Hand Relief, 3 Hours of Demilich Chat Lost To The Ages, Harri From Hooded Menace: Body Count Superfan, The ACTUAL String Cheese Incident, Shelby: A Compass That Always Points Toward Panic! At The Disco, Are You Pro- or Antti-Boman?, Bricks, Minifigs, And The Portland of Things, Shelby Using The Word "Tertiary" Correctly, 500 Bucks at BevMo, A Weird Meth-y Logger, Glen Benton: The Dayton, Ohio of People, Strong Politics, Spicy Opinions, Shitloads of Dad Sex & Listener Emails, plus, as always, The DMD Bump and Fatherly Advice. Also included: Live audio from the Dads' appearance at the Punchline in SF as part of the Illogical Contraption Satanic Black Metal Halloween Ritual! It's a solid-ass episode from start... To FINNISH!

Music:

Demilich, "The Cry"

Roky Erickson, "White Faces"

In October's delightful and extra MEATY episode, the Dads are joined by fellow father and rock vocalist Shane Baker (Alaric, Eerie, Pins of Light, Dead And Gone) for a lengthy and informative discussion about Bolt Thrower, dolmas, television, dumb kids, and the Billy Joel hit "We Didn't Start The Fire". But there's so much more!

Also discussed herein: The Strip Club At The Edge of Town, Not Exactly Fucking, Van Hayward, Matt Shapiro's Dick, Family Nudity, "Conceptually Awesome" Bands, Taliban vs Mall Cop, Transmissions From Planet Parmesan, Turkey Tetrazzini, Ambrosia Salad, Cool-Ass Space Orcs, Greek Sushi, 14 Years In 14 Minutes, Hitler And Aliens, Roger The Piano Man, The Ominous Scent of Ben Gay And Metamucil, Gallagher AD, The George Costanza of Death Metal Dads, Jews on TV, Who Would Win?, Danish Vocalist Florandia Suppenhausen, Long-Box CDs, Color Me Dadd, Cassingle Listenin', Another Bad Malevolent Kreayshawn, A Live Commentary On A Live Commentary, "Local" Bands, List Rock vs Indian Rock, Karl Sanders Checking His AOL Account Onstage, Dollar Store Cannibal Corpse, French Poetry And Rim Jobs, That Dog Is Sick of Peanut Butter!, Getting Advice From Pizza Boxes And Snapple Caps, Hashtag Hashbrowns, Imps of the Perverse: The Tell-Tale Subway Sandwich, Doctor Who Cares?, Cumming In Public: Morality vs Law, Ghost Dad 2: Son of Ghost Dad, Cowboy vs RoboCop vs Bag of Tube socks, The DMD Bump, Fatherly Advice, and A Complete Lack of Dad Sex. It's a real barn-burner, this one. So kick back, relax, and don't worry about catching that bus. There's always another one.

Music:

Bolt Thrower, "Unleashed... Upon Mankind"

Alaric, "Demon"

Contact: [email protected]

Editor's note: The cigarrette guy from Star Wars' name is Elan Sleazebaggano. No, seriously.