I often see people treating defensiveness as proof of guilt. The thought seems to go that if someone is defensive, it's because they know they’ve done something wrong. There are even proverbs around this, such as “a hit dog will holler” or “the lady doth protest too much”.

This has always felt false to me.

Now, it's certainly true that having done something wrong can be the cause of defensiveness. But that's just one out of many options!

Some situations that have made me defensive include times when someone has…

• … had a negative stereotype of some group that I belong to, and said something derogatory about it.
• … acted judgmentally about my choices without understanding my situation or wanting to hear my explanation.
• … dismissively rejected my input about a decision that I felt was important.

In none of these situations did I feel guilty. I may [...]

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