Desperately Seeking

This year, I’ve been sharing my monthly spending on YouTube, with the larger goal to finally getting my financial s**t together. Turning 40, I had a bit of an ‘enough is enough’ epiphany and decided to start no only limiting my spending, but really scrutinising it.

One question I received was from someone who truly did not get it (or me) and wanted to know what my longterm plan was. Surely I wasn’t going to have these rules for myself forever. That was interesting, I hadn’t thought of it but, yes! I probably will.

In the same way that you can’t build muscle and then you’re fit forever, I can’t just ‘fix’ my impulsive, dopamine hunting brain and never worry about it again. I am someone who will likely always have to work on these things, medication or not.

This came up in the second half of April’s budget chat and I decided to put it out as an audio episode for people who would’t have watched that, but who I think would benefit from either, hearing someone explain what they themselves experience, or who need to understand the other side because that’s not at all how their mind works.

Not to be a Russel Brand about it but, I think we can all learn something from my past mistakes here.

Today’s episode touches on some ‘sensitive’ ground but I don’t think it should be. We’ve always been on different sides but NOW, if you’re not on my side, you’re my enemy. That shouldn’t be the case and it’s no way to change hearts and minds. It just keeps us further apart - and you know SOMEONE is benefitting …

This was inspired by a previous episode, a conversation with Lee and THIS fantastic interview between Lena Dunham and Drew Barrymore. I’d highly recommend you give that a watch, if this is your thing.

I was a bad first wife to my first husband. Almost 20 years later, I can see why.

dipping back in to the archives today, I thought this chat was relevant to a conversation I had last week. It was originally recorded as a YouTube video - apologies for the spotty audio - but I didn’t think I could re-record it and capture the same energy so.. here we are.

My first Substack VLOG. I wanted to document my feelings before and after my ADHD assessment and it felt like a good time to try video along with audio.

Since giving up alcohol (originally temporarily) at the end of 2024, I really haven’t missed it at all. I thought I would. I assumed I had a budding dependence (part of why I stopped) and genuinely thought it would be a struggle. It turns out, once my brain decides on something, it’s VERY easy. A similar thing happened with my lucozade habit. I craved it, I couldn’t consider getting through the day without a couple of bottles of that liquid energy. Then one day I decided it had to stop and I have never wanted it since. Weird.

Back to drinking. The only times I’ve felt a little tempted by alcohol is in the company of others. I have no need for social lubricant, I’m very happy to stay out late, dance and karaoke sober. The issue isn’t my want for the drink so much as I feel like I’m letting the side down.

Today’s episode is from the archives. A no longer available YouTube video, now in audio form. Not everything is your job, so Milo tell me.

We watched SNL UK at the weekend and, as huge SNL fans, we were hopeful but nervous. Would it translate? Would the inevitable critical reviews kill it immediately? Would it even find an audience over here? I think they did a great job on their debut, some of the cast members are definitely future stars and Lee and I both agreed it was better than we’d imagined it would be.

But he said something specific, “I thought it would be more cringe.” And this feels uniquely British.

I have always leaned towards American TV. In recent years my mum has commented on it and how she doesn’t enjoy American shows, but (as I pointed out to her) she created this monster! I was raised on Roseanne and Laverne and Shirley. My mum took me to a private dentist as a child and said she wanted me to have an “all-American smile.” As it turned out, that was too expensive so I stuck with the crooked English smile, but the point is—I grew up on American comedy.

Of course I watched English telly too, but between what my mum was watching and the surge in US pop culture in my teens, it’s no wonder that’s where I feel most at home, entertainment-wise.

As an adult, I watched a lot of late night interviews and listened to podcasts where guests would make reference to adverts or snacks, or just phrases that we didn’t use here. Over time, my speech became more American. The words I used, it was as if I was filling in the years of growing up in Doncaster with other people’s memories and now? It’s as if I was there all along.

So I feel comfortable in that space, but it also feels foreign to me. It’s a bit supernatural. The people don’t feel real, because those voices and places live in my television. When I watch an American competing on a show and make an absolute fool of himself, I’m not worried about what people back home will say. I’m not thinking about his job, or his high school girlfriend seeing that. He doesn’t have a job or a high school girlfriend. He’s an NPC who just popped in for this scene and ceases to exist after it ends.

It’s more like a virtual reality show.

When I watch an English girl get her kit off on Naked Attraction, I am mortified. What will her mum think? She is going to have to go back to her telesales job and everyone has seen her naked!! That’s not fun. That’s stressful and it’s—like Lee said—cringe.

Don’t get me wrong, I have zero judgement about anyone taking a job on one of these shows OR taking their clothes off for money, I just can’t detach myself from the real life consequences of that when they’re from here. Our tabloids are vicious, I don’t know why anyone would want to put themselves in a situation where you could be front page news and mocked relentlessly. If they’re from Atlanta, I can’t imagine their newsstands. I don’t know what the backlash looks like for their day-to-day. I do know how it would feel rocking up to work on Wednesday if everyone saw my boobs on TV on Saturday night.

I know I’m focusing too much on the naked stuff but it’s top of mind because there was a contestant on that show from around here. I also knew someone who went on Come Dine With Me and that was equally devastating.

You might be wondering how this differs from YouTube, and I’m kind of wondering that myself.

I don’t ever mention what I do online when I meet someone. Often they find out from someone else—in fact a manager was talking to me last week about how his boy had spoken publicly about the state of some facilities and it had been picked up by the press. He showed me some cruel comment someone had made about his appearance and what he’d written in response. I mean, this was a kid—totally out of order—but he said to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” And that’s how I knew he knew. It is slightly uncomfortable, but it’s not national TV.

I’m also using Naked Attraction as the example because often it’s more behaviour based, and I feel pretty confident that I wouldn’t call someone names or use a racist slur. In fact, when Lee and I were discussing this, I came to the conclusion that the worst thing people would say about me were I to go on a reality show would be, “God, she’s annoying.” Not nice but I think I could weather it. I’ve had a lot of practice.

When someone behaves badly in a foreign country, it’s entertaining, but I’m not worried about their mum being ashamed of them. They don’t have a mum, remember?

I would say, the halfway point for me is Australians. They feel familiar enough to have lives outside of the project while also far away enough to be watchable. We watch Married at First Sight and the behaviour of some of those contestants this year has been diabolical. It must be the worst year yet. Jacqui last year was totally bonkers but this year they feel authentically cruel. I’m sure there’s an element of “making good TV” but it’s becoming difficult to watch, when some of them seem so genuine and kind and they’re being ripped apart by… I mean, animals. Truly.

That’s where it starts to fall apart for me. I think, “Well, she’s ruined her life. Why would you volunteer to do this and then behave in a way that you just cannot recover from publicly?” I understand the 15 minutes of fame and maybe going on a show like MAFS to raise your profile and try to become an influencer, but who’s going to pay you to promote their product when you’re hated internationally? I heard a couple of them had lost their jobs as a result of the show airing. I will never understand the logic—and had they been Americans, I’d never have tried.

You know when celebrities say, “I’m a real person, I’m a human, I have feelings.” My brain says, “nah!”. If they’re American and they’re in my TV, they’re just characters in the play. It’s much easier to detach myself from the reality of their wider world and enjoy the toxicity for its entertainment value. I can’t do the same when they’re too close to home—literally.

Is it just me?

I’ve realised I like to seek out advice from people who live HERE and are living LIKE ME but I like my entertainment from across the pond.

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Today’s episode is a chat with my friend, Karen, who suffered her own annus horribilis back in 2021. She found dark humour saw her through adjusting to her new normal and that’s how we first bonded.. because I too enjoy laughing through pain.

But not everybody gets it.. and that’s what we’re talking about today.