Desperately Seeking

For the longest time, I avoided this practice. The closest I came was ‘gratitude journalling’ because acknowledging your highlights on dark days is helpful in pulling you out of of a funk. Reminding yourself of what you have is always a good thing.. but writing a ‘dear diary, here’s how I’m feeling’ was off putting to me for two reasons. 1. it felt very self indulgent (I mean really, what’s wrong with that anyway?) but also 2. anything you write is likely vulnerable and not something you’d want someone else to read. A risky practice.

In today’s chat, I’m talking about how I’ve accidentally been journalling to work though my problems for years and how you may benefit from the method I’ve been using too.

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A bit of accidental journalling did me good today. If I can’t ask for what I want, I can’t blame anyone else for not being able to read my mind.

Today’s episode ticks off my ‘see a brand new show’ item and discusses the frisson of emotion some of us feel strongly when experiencing a liver performance.

And if you see this… let me know! 😂

On my 40 By 40 bucket list, I had ‘put washer fluid in my car.’ Had I known where the year would take me, I’d have made loftier goals.

This year, I’ve had a car hit me, head on, while I was driving - and then drive away. That was a nice bill and a little some to kick off 2025. My car then refused to go in to second gear and a mechanic said it needed a new clutch - which didn’t fix it, so now it still won’t go in to second gear AND I had to pay for a new clutch. And finally, I went on a death defying solo journey to Dorset and came home with a fear of night driving.

I still haven’t put washer fluid in my car but I know what it is and where it goes and when I tell you my oil change story, I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m more than capable.

Why I decided it was smart to set off on this journey at 6pm on a Friday night, I don’t know. In hindsight, I should have done a 5am Saturday start instead. It was NOT FUN. Half an hour in, the check oil light comes on. This is the first I’m hearing of it but it’s a long drive so I think it’s probably smart to pull over and check it out. Thinking I’m savvy, I find a garage, google the oil my car needs, buy said oil and sit in the car, watching a YouTube video, wondering where I can find a funnel.

My candle making skills turned out to be transferrable here. I knew I could use my thermometer to train oil in to a bottle, so what’s to stop me using the dip stick to sub in as a funnel? Nothing - worked perfectly, felt like a genius. Before some smart Alec pipes up, I did put the oil in the engine, not the dip stick hole. I scared a man at Screwfix with that very story so just getting ahead of it.

I’d checked the oil level and it appeared to be low. I had no idea how much oil a car could take so I conservatively added around 200ml. The next dip stick check was a bit of a shock, it showed twice as much oil as the car needed. GREAT. By this time, it’s getting dark, I’ve barely begun and google is telling me it’s more dangerous to drive with too much oil than too little. A normal person may have turned around and gone home at that point - not me. I decided to continue and put myself through 4 and a half hours of driving in the dark and torrential rain, constantly worried my car was about to blow up.

Also, I don’t know if you’ve driven through Bath recently but it’s pretty hilly. Difficult without that second gear.

So I finally get to my destination and discover that there’s no such thing as next day prime delivery in the arse end of Mordor, so I decide to head off to a garage the next morning to find something to remove some of this oil. Of course, nothing is open in the countryside.. everywhere closed by the time I got round to it and I was left with screw fix and a plastic syringe kit.

Would that pipe reach the oil? Would it chuff.

This took up a large amount of my weekend - for which I had risked life and limb to attend.

A friend of my friend even came to help. He had a pump and appeared to know what he was doing but he too was getting mixed messages from the dip stick. Apparently I hadn’t put nearly enough oil in to cause it to be over or cause a problem but nobody wanted to add any more - just in case.

The next day I drove the 5 hours home, with the light on, again waiting to explode before I reached the M18.

Thankfully, we have a local mechanic who looked at it and and confirmed I had never added too much oil, he did me an oil change and all has been well ever since. He also told me people wait weeks to deal with oil lights so I needn’t have panicked. WELL THAT’S NOT WHAT GOOGLE SAID, MATT!

I refrained from telling him the story of the time I changed the battery in my own car and set a small fire in the engine. That was one of my greatest accomplishments but every time I went over a bump, the engine cut out. Eventually I had to seek professional help then too. For the car, not for me, although both were needed.

Turned out I hadn’t replaced every nut and bolt and it was just a little bit of a loose connection - but come on! I considered that a win.

So, I can’t drive at night anymore because the horrors persist, but I feel like I’ve made great strides in the car maintenance world. Next year I’m going to learn how to put air in the tyres.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m planning a themed 40th year, the theme is, ‘Death Becomes Her’. I love that movie, I love Meryl and Goldie, I love the message - did you ever see the interview where Goldie Hawn talked about the original ending? It would have been so much better - and this year I saw the Broadway show in New York with the full cast.

It was well known that this particular show regularly had the understudies in the mix because the cast was older and the performances were taxing. I actually had an email letting us know that Megan Hilty wouldn’t be at our performance a few months after booking, with the offer of a full refund if we chose. I didn’t because I wanted to see the show regardless but then she was there!! That felt like a little bit of magic.

Not to dismiss the understudies AT ALL, I’m certain they’re phenomenal, but I’d been listening to the soundtrack all year and it would have been more like going to watch a tribute act vs the real thing.

As I previously mentioned - I cry at everything - and I cried basically the whole way through that show. I was so amped up to be there, the theatre was beautiful, the sets were incredible and I think they actually won a Tony for the costumes. I have this frisson with live events and music in general, I could cry at the thought of it, honestly. It’s like a heightened sensitivity to it all, I think.

The movie made its mark on me in adolescence. Looking back, there’s one clear thread that was missing from most movies of that time that this had in spades - no pun intended. Something you may not have put your finger on but it passes something called, ‘The Bechdel Test’. The test is whether you have 2 female characters (who must have names) talking about anything other than a man. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll be surprised how often a movie or TV show can’t pass that, basic as it seems. Both of these women were so self involved that the men were secondary characters, Ernest was a pawn throughout, but still - they passed with flying colours.

Seeing strong, vengeful women was appealing to my teenage self and, while on paper the messaging seemed to fit in with the 90s beauty standard, in reality it was mocking the vanity of women and reminding us how minor it is in the grand scheme of life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty vain. If there’s an anti ageing device or product to try, I probably have it, but I’ve drawn the line at cosmetic intervention because I know I’m the kind of person for whom it would be a slippery slope. I see my face more than the average and have received enough criticism of my appearance from strangers on the internet to be tempted to have just a little more.. just a little more.

The song I think speaks to every 40+ woman from the musical is, ‘Siempre Viva’

Michelle Williams - of Destiny's Child, not Dawsons Creek - sings,

For gravity’s kiss is pulling you down, you’re losing your youth, it’s unfair, it’s a b***h, it’s crime’

We don’t necessarily want to LIVE forever but watching your face collapse is feels like a punishment, while we can all agree, it’s a blessing to keep living when so many don’t get that chance. The movies message is ‘be careful what you wish for’ in a YOLO world.

If I haven’t already (I’m not sure which order I will post these episodes) but I will be sharing the painting I commissioned from Kenzi Taylor (who I’ll link in the show notes) and the pottery I made - both within this theme. I thought it would be fun, a little 90s throw back but also have a deeper message for my 40 year old, potentially more-tempted-than-ever, self. Healthy and alive is preferable to a youthful appearance. That and, I do consider myself to be somewhat of a role model, not just to my children but to my peers online.

I absolutely understand why more people like me, who see themselves a lot and have strangers pick them apart, are more susceptible to having a little tweak here and there, but I want to follow people who are ageing without that and I want to be that person for others. That keeps me more accountable that you know. There are many dark sides to sharing myself online for 15 years but there are some great silver linings too!

Anywho, the show - incredible. Experiencing something like that in a crowd is special, isn’t it? I want to make the effort to see more live theatre next year. For a long time, I avoided it because it wasn’t something I couldn’t re-experience easily. I didn’t want to fall in love with something and never be able to see it again. A live performance is a one off and something in my brain says, ‘don’t do it, you’ll be sad’. It’s true, but I have the album and it made it to the very top of my Apple Music wrapped so - it clearly made the same impression the movie did.

Some things are special because of when and how you first consumed them. They brand themselves on your heart forever because you were young or you were going through a break up or you just needed it in that moment. Death Becomes Her has that place for me, so when I get a tattoo of the potion bottle, don’t think I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’m just letting you see the brand that’s been there on the inside for decades, on the outside.

Super quick one today, I made some printable planner pages this time last year and had them as a free download on my blog. That blog is no more but I wanted to reshare with those of you who missed them then. I’ve put them up on smokeandmatches.com, and if you want to see how I used the, the video below is an hour long livestream session I did with some viewers last year.

HAPPY PLANNING!

New York is my favourite city in the world (she says, not being at all well travelled) and I’ve visited so many times I’ve lost count at this point, so how can it be that when talking about this favourite city of mine, I’m always faced with a, ‘oh have you been to - insert famous landmark here’ and almost always haven’t.

I think it’s the baseline assumption that there will always be more time.

I’m pretty hardcore about planning city trips. I make a list of places we want to visit, see and restaurants we want to eat in and then group them by area. I make a schedule with maps and make sure we hit all the local spots and are maximising our time. It’s not like I’m a blasé, ‘see what happens on the day’ kind of traveller, so why was it my *counts in head* 12th or so trip to New York before I made it to Katz Deli?

Once I knew New York would be a regular destination, once I knew I’d be back again and again, it became less important to tick off the iconic locations. When you know something is available, you don’t worry about putting it in your diary or making plans to experience it, it will always just be there, right?

This applies to so many things.

I don’t always go out of my way to spend quality time with my kids because I live with them, I see them every day. I don’t have a weekly - or even monthly - date night with my husband because, we’ll get around to it. I can go weeks without seeing my parents or my brother or niece, because they live so close, I can see them anytime - and then I just don’t.

Those limited edition burgers McDonalds release are always more appealing than a new item on the menu.. because that’ll be around forever, I’ll get to it.

The perceived access and availability of something makes it less important and less of a priority - but nothing’s guaranteed.

A friend of mine is no longer able to travel long distance because of an illness. I assume I’ll only be more able to hop on a plane to New York as I get older. My time and money freedom will allow me endless trips to the states, to get to those things I haven’t done yet. Restaurants close, people get ill, family moves away. We assume we have all the time in the world but we don’t.

I did finally get to Katz Deli this summer and (although I may not make a special trip back) I’m glad I went. It gave me the old school New York vibes and looked exactly the same as it did in When Harry Met Sally. They even had the sign hanging above the table they sat at in the movie. It was special and definitely a bucket list item.

One of the reasons I made my 40 by 40 birthday list was because I knew I wouldn’t do anything with this year if I didn’t. I knew that not only did I need to make the list but I needed to tell you I’d made the list. I needed to record myself checking things off it and commit to creating these episodes to share with you. Now, granted, I did thing they’d be weekly updates and I’ve been much more fair-weather about this than planned - but even if I complete HALF of what I set out to, I’ll have done more in 2025 and made a conscious choice to try more new things than I have in previous years.

They say life is long and I do believe that but it doesn’t always feel it, does it? The last 20 years have felt like 40 and 5 all at once. I mentioned in a recent video that I’d been dreaming of our next house being the vision board house that my kids would come back home to, the one they remember their childhoods in, until one day I realised, they’d already grown up in this house. This is their childhood home and that ship has sailed.

Time passed but in my mind, I was still chasing an old idea of what my life would be. I’ve pivoted and our next house, our last house, will be my Grandma house. The magical, witchy house my grandkids will visit and they will remember growing up in. We can’t stop time and some dreams aren’t meant to be but all this is to say, it’s going by every day, don’t skip opportunities, assuming they will come back around.

I know I have lots of life left and could meet countless more versions of myself, discovering new wants and fears all the time, but I never want to look back and wish I’d got on that train.

I want to do all the things, as Mrs Maisel said, ‘I want a big life’, and that doesn’t come from leaving things for tomorrow.

I had a conversation with my daughter recently about family. I told her why I make allowances for some relatives and that I felt a weight lift once I realised they were never going to change. She asked why I wouldn’t hold them accountable and I haven’t been able to stop replaying this answer in my head since.

I explained that my choice to forgive and move on, without any closure or apology, was based in my want for a relationship with those people. There comes a point where you recognise you will never get that ‘sorry’ or that explanation you need and you have to make a choice. Either you cut that person off or you let it go. The latter is harder than it sounds and it doesn’t work as long as you’re holding on to hope that the person will change - I know this from experience.

If you want to keep that connection, the only side you have control of is yours. I say this as someone who does have family she no longer sees. I am not averse to no-contact, but I know my line and where my regrets would lie later. I’ve been guilty of saying, ‘this is everyone’s first time on earth’ to excuse poor behaviour and justify things I have forgiven, but what message does that send to my children?

I’m very open with my kids so we aren’t privately pretending all is well, but am I teaching them to accept toxic relationships?

I saw something online the other day, where the poster was asking why there was a sudden surge in kids cutting off their parents. I don’t believe that’s the case at all. I think it’s always been common but nobody talked about it. My husband, mother and best friend all have immediate family members they haven’t spoken to in years (some, decades) but they didn’t raise the topic in conversation because the automatic response is always, ‘oh but it’s your family’. Now it seems to be more socially acceptable to say you no longer speak to your Mum or Dad or Sister - whatever your reason.

One of the items on my bucket list for this year was to go and see a motivational speaker. I’m very in to self development and have analysed myself - along with some external counselling - to death over the years. It felt like the next logical step was to watch someone tell me how to improve my life on a stage.

I was beyond excited to get tickets to see Mel Robbins in London with Emma. When we got there, Mel asked the audience how many had come alone and the number of hands that shot up made me cry immediately. That’s another story, I cry all the time, but the idea that so many people - mostly women - wanted to be there so much they came alone really touched me. We truly are all seeking something, I really believe that.

Her best-selling book is based on her ‘Let Them’ theory and I’ve seen this lauded and picked apart online in equal measure. At face value, it does appear that you are accepting poor behaviour and letting people treat you badly but that really isn’t the thought behind it. It’s more about letting go of the weight you’re carrying. How many of us feel responsible for other people? I’m not talking about your children, your adult friends and family.

I’m planning a little dinner party at the moment and now that I no longer drink, I recognise the amount of time I spent making sure every possible cocktail combination was available for my guests in the past. I would spend countless hours squeezing lemons and making garnishes because I wanted the full bar experience. I truly don’t think anyone ever appreciated it. Who was I doing it for? I was trying to control the perception and the enjoyment of people who were absolutely happy bringing their own bottles of prosecco.

There are two things at play here.

1. Let them bring the drink they want

and 2. Let them not care about the effort you’ve made.

I don’t mean to say they were ungrateful - far from it - but when you choose to put in a lot of time to something, you are not owed an equal response. Gift giving season is approaching and this is a very good lesson to remember. I have given gifts in the past that were so thoughtful and considered and the person just never used them. They were grateful, of course! They thanked me.. but I know they didn’t receive them with the same energy they were gifted.

AND THAT’S OKAY!

If I’m at a family event, I’m always on edge, waiting to balance conversations or catch arguments before them occur. My kids used to get on at me for this one. They’d be playing and I’d cut them short - because I knew the patterns, it was 5 minutes away from a fight - but why? I am not responsible for everyone else’s comfort, I am not responsible for everyone else’s emotions, I do not have to control every situation I’m in - I can just be there.

That should be my daily affirmation.

These are minor examples, of course, but this is what I took away from the ‘let them’ theory.

Let people behave however they choose and from there, you can decide who you spend your limited energy on. It doesn’t mean you have to let people treat you badly but, in my personal situation, there are people who have done things I wish they hadn’t and I have accepted that they do not see it that way. We will never agree and so either we part ways or I let it go. Some people are not worth holding on to but, as I said to my daughter, I am choosing to close the door on the issue rather than the person. In this case, let them be wrong.

Ultimately, it comes down to which will cause more sleepless nights. Is it the closure you never received or the person you don’t see anymore. Having lived both sides of that coin, neither is fun but removing the weight of that responsibility, letting that person be - whatever your choice was - is the healing element. I’m not religious but always liked, ‘let go and let god’. It’s the universes problem now.

I have always told my kids that if I’ve upset them, I want to know. I don’t want them replaying things I said in their heads til they’re 40. I will always apologise. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, denying a conversation or reframing an event to put you in a better light never helped anyone. You know, they know, that’s unnecessary tension. A lot can be fixed with sorry, even if you didn’t think you did anything wrong. But if it’s not coming from that person in your life, you have to make a choice. It’s freeing either way.