DISASTERPIECE

Candy Corn. It’s sweet, silky, and has been a staple of the candy store during the last THREE CENTURIES. So why does everyone hate one of the best-selling sweet treats of all time? Steve and Justin rip open a bag of the divisive tri-colored devils to get to the bottom of America’s love/hate relationship with Candy Corn… even if it spells doom for their tummies, and forever ruins the concept of ‘edging’ for you.

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You know what this is. Say it.

THE LAST VAMPIRE ON EARTH. The most egregious TWILIGHT rip-off of all time. Comedian Emily Panic joins the boys and lends some of her paranormal expertise to help break down a vampire movie that arguably might not even have a real vampire in it. And with an IMDB summary like this: ‘A second-hand report of a man vomiting after eating chicken leads a preacher to believe a vampire is afoot. Luckily for the guy, his girlfriend has AIDS which allows him to be spared' You know Steve and Justin are going to need all of the help they can get

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The BBC television special GHOST WATCH is unironically amazing—like it’s really, really good. So why are Steve and Justin talking about this paranormal phenomenon from 1990? Because the aftermath of this fake live broadcast is one of the worst and most tragic disasters they have ever covered.

It's a story that has to be heard to be believed. So turn out the lights, get cozy in your glory hole, and if you hear something strange... it's just a British actor accidentally doing a Jeff Goldblum impression...

CHECK OUT GHOST WATCH HERE:

https://archive.org/details/Ghostwatch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-_t7Ww78aM

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Hoff Matthews joins the boys in the ring to face off against Uwe Boll’s ALONE IN THE DARK. Is this VERY LOOSE video game adaptation starring the poorman’s Jack Nicolson (Christian Slater) and the poorman’s Christian Slater (Stephen Dorff) really as bad as its reputation would have us believe? Or will the boys be too afraid to criticize it since the director LITERALLY beats up his critics?

Either way, we’re sure Uwe would say: ‘Ihr Könnt mich alle Mal’.

RELEASE THE BOLL CUT!

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Better late than never? Not for the ZUNE, Microsoft’s portable MP3 player and self-described ‘iPod killer’ that lost hundreds of millions of dollars. On this week’s DISASTERPIECES, Justin and Steve look back at the brief and not-so-glorious reign of the mp3 player that almost every kid was disappointed to find under the Christmas tree. From the obtuse ad campaign to the unfortunate branding of being able to ‘squirt’ your friends, the ZUNE was pretty much DOA.

Was it actually better than the iPod? Maybe. But it was definitely more righteous than Neil Young’s PONO.

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A baboon actor? The craziest stunt ever featured on Disasterpiece? AN OLYMPIC MEDALIST?

It can only mean one thing: the boys are talking THE ORDER OF THE BLACK EAGLE. The wildest, silliest 80s action movie you’ve never heard of.

Listen to the ridiculous story of Duncan Jax, the James Bond-knockoff you didn’t know you needed (featuring, of course, a terrifying cryogenically frozen Hitler) in the best sequel they’ve watched yet.

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Losing a million dollars isn’t cool. You know what IS cool? Losing a BILLION.

This week Justin and Steve light up the history of PREMIER, the tobacco industry’s first attempt to create a smokeless cigarette.

Developed in secret for a market that had no need for it, PREMIER was meant to be a healthier trip to flavor country but ended up tasting like something much, much worse.

So sit back, relax, press play, and take a full 30 seconds to light your smokeless cig.

And if you don’t like this episode at first, please try listening to it 3 more times before giving up on it.

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What is the best way to explain the story of the genie-obsessed Peter Vinal, director of 2012’s worst family drama, DADDY CAN’T DANCE? With help from one of the stars of the movie, Kate Cox!!

Little Beanie Weaver herself joins Justin and Steve in the studio to explore the psyche of a middling, middle-aged breakdancer whose biggest dream is to make a movie about a middling, middle-aged breakdancer who has to pop and lock in order to save his daughter’s life. Learn the whole story of the Popping Locking Papa and how he went from a White Man to a Daddy.

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Yes, there’s a lost Hitler sitcom pilot from the 90s. Yes THAT Hitler. HEIL HONEY I’M HOME is just as bad and misguided as you think. Does it all add up to much more than some very lazy TV writing? Not even close.

But in a world where you have a better chance of winning the lottery than having your pilot picked up, you won’t believe that HEIL HONEY I’M HOME even exists. And if you thought this guy had a main character complex in real life… just wait until you see him star in his own sitcom.

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Sequel Summer comes to a slow and steady halt with SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL! Is Jason Patrick the worst action star of the 90s? Possibly. Did Justin and Steve cover this Disasterpiece just for the opportunity to gush about SPEED and Keanu Reeves? DEFINITELY.

Grab your leeches, strap on a life vest, and get ready for high-octane thrills while going about as fast as you can in a school zone.

#Diapergang

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