Divorce Dialogues

Is your phone more interesting than your husband?

75% of people say that technology seriously impacts their relationships. Thus, the very thing that is supposed to help us feel more connected is hindering our connections with the people who really matter—the ones right there in front of us.

In addition to her roles as a psychotherapist, interfaith minister, mindfulness teacher and relationship coach, Nancy Colier is the author of The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World. Nancy is a sought-after public speaker on the topics of wellbeing, mindfulness and technology, and she has been featured on Good Morning America and in The New York Times. She writes regular columns for Huffington Post and Psychology Today, and Nancy serves as a frequent guest on On Point Talk.

Today, Nancy joins Katherine to share the ways that technology brings out the least evolved aspects of ourselves. She explains the addictive nature of checking messages as well as the concept of phubbing, snubbing someone in favor of your phone. Nancy discusses how our expectations for relationships have changed based on the constant stimulation provided by technology and why we actually want to be pulled out of the present moment by our smartphones. Listen in for Nancy’s insight on leveraging mindfulness in the onslaught of technology and learn how to broach the subject of full presence with the people close to you.

Topics Covered

How our relationship with technology doesn’t support a ‘good life’

Technology’s dramatic impact on families and intimate relationships

How technology brings out the least evolved aspects of ourselves

Comparison with others

Narcissism

The addictive nature of checking messages

The concept of phubbing

How expectations for relationships have changed based on the constant stimulation of tech

Why people want to be pulled out of the moment

Never have to deal with stillness, self

Always something to pay attention to

How to leverage mindfulness in the onslaught of technology

The necessity of becoming more awake in our own lives

Nancy’s advice around broaching the subject of being fully present

Connect with Nancy Colier

Nancy’s Website: http://nancycolier.com

Resources

The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World by Nancy Colier: amazon.com/Power-Off-Mindful-Virtual-World/dp/1622037952

Nancy’s Column in HuffPost: www.huffingtonpost.com/author/nancy-colier

Nancy’s Column in Psychology Today: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inviting-monkey-tea

Books by Nancy Colier: www.amazon.com/Nancy-Colier/e/B007U6A8ZY

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

If you’re in the middle of a hostile divorce, the very idea of having compassion for your former partner may be difficult to fathom. But what if you started with compassion for yourself? Holistic health coach Jen Dorf maintains that you can escape the conflict trap with a mindful approach to communication that models the way you want to be treated.

Based in Mamaroneck, New York, Jen is a nutrition and wellness coach with an expertise in mindful communication. She inspires clients to create daily sustainable habits that will revive their energy and power from within by bringing awareness to how they eat, move, rest and relate—to themselves and others. Jen trained at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in Manhattan, and she is accredited by The American Association of Drugless Practitioners.

Jen sits down with Katherine to discuss the fundamentals of mindful communication. She explains how to use mindfulness to identify your patterns and triggers and shift your goals from being right to being happy. Jen speaks to the power of self-compassion, describing how loving kindness for yourself facilitates empathy for others. Listen in for Jen’s insight around the connection between food and mood and her approach to communicating in moments of conflict.

Topics Covered

Why self-compassion is the first step to mindful communication

Pause, breathe

Calm nervous system

Getting comfortable with silence

How mindfulness brings awareness to patterns, triggers

Why the stories you tell yourself may not be true

The value in modeling the behavior you want for yourself

How loving kindness toward yourself facilitates healing

Jen’s approach to responding in moments of conflict

Practice empathy, curiosity

Focus on well-being of children

The connection between food and mood

The importance of self-care

How to shift your focus from being right to being happy

The myth that compassion makes you weak

Connect with Jen Dorf

Jen’s Website: www.jendorfwellness.com

Resources

The Self-Compassion Skills Workbook: A 14-Day Plan to Transform Your Relationship with Yourself by Tim Desmond: amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Skills-Workbook-Transform-Relationship/dp/0393712184

Brené Brown: https://brenebrown.com

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while now, the landscape may seem like a brave new world. Dating apps offer endless possibilities—and overwhelm. Not to mention the fact that you are sorting through your own feelings after a divorce and working to reshape your very identity. It’s complicated to say the least.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. She is regular blogger for Psychology Today and the author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. Dr. Solomon is a renowned speaker and media consultant on topics related to love, sex and marriage, and she has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Network, The Today Show and NPR, among many others.

Dr. Solomon joins Katherine to discuss how dating has evolved in recent years with the emergence of apps geared to finding love. She explains why it’s important to work through the story of your marriage and focus on yourself before you return to the dating world. Dr. Solomon offers her best advice around dating after divorce, describing the value in processing these experiences on your own before you debrief with a friend. Listen in for Dr. Solomon’s take on sexual experiences that nurture connection as well as her view on casual sex for the newly single.

Topics Covered

The use of technology to find love

Dr. Solomon’s guidance around dating apps

No obligation to use

Slow and steady

Means to an end

How to cut through the ‘chorus of opinions’ and check in with yourself

How therapy can help you work through the story of your marriage

The risks around ‘getting stuck in the heartbreak’

Dr. Solomon’s tips for dating after divorce

Practice self-compassion

Process experience on your own

The natural tendency to look for a romantic partner and co-parent

Why it’s dangerous to think in terms of absolutes

Dr. Solomon’s insight on sexual experiences that nurture connection

Dr. Solomon’s take on casual sex for the newly single

Connect with Dr. Alexandra Solomon

Dr. Solomon’s Website: www.dralexandrasolomon.com/

Resources

Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want by Dr. Alexandra Solomon: www.dralexandrasolomon.com/book

Smart Dating Academy: www.smartdatingacademy.com/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

Are you waiting to get divorced until your kids are a little older in the hopes that they’ll handle it better? You may be surprised to hear that kids in early adolescence have MORE of an adjustment to make when parents divorce than at any other age. Whatever your child’s age, parenting through divorce is difficult territory.

Carl Pickhardt PhD is a psychologist in private practice out of Austin, Texas. He has written an impressive 15 books on the subject of parenting as well as columns for the Austin American Statesman, Marriage and Family Living and Psychology Today, just to name a few. Carl has appeared on ABC, NBC, CNN and NPR, and he holds degrees from Harvard and the University of Texas at Austin.

Carl joins Katherine to explain the importance of emotionally reconciling your differences and creating an alliance with your ex-spouse based on common concern for your children. He walks us through the reasons why adolescence is an especially vulnerable age for kids dealing with divorce, offering his advice around keeping the lines of communication open. Listen in for Carl’s insight on providing your kids with clear, consistent messaging as you navigate parenting through divorce.

Topics Covered

The powerful adjustments kids make when their parents divorce

Carl’s take on the first task for divorcing parents

Emotional reconciliation of differences

Recommitment to joint parenting

Creating an alliance founded on common concern for your children

The cost of an unreconciled divorce

Kids caught in loyalty conflicts

Ongoing pain

Why early adolescence is an especially vulnerable age for kids to deal with divorce

How divorce initiates an increased push for independence in adolescents

Why adolescents need an increased number of salient adult relationships

Carl’s guidance for divorcing parents around spending time with your preteen/teen

Stop and listen (accessibility)

Bridge to kid’s emerging interests

Include friends in visitation

How to maintain constant positive choice points with your adolescent

Carl’s insight on providing kids with clear, consistent messaging

Connect with Carl Pickhardt

Carl’s Website: http://carlpickhardt.com/

Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence in Psychology Today: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence

Resources

The Everything Parent’s Guide to Children and Divorce  by Carl Pickhardt: amazon.com/Everything-Parents-Guide-Children-Divorce/dp/1593374186/ref=la_B001IZV7GW_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1519439350&sr=1-12

Books by Carl Pickhardt: www.amazon.com/Carl-E.-Pickhardt/e/B001IZV7GW

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

Our current system of justice focuses on the offender. What harm did they cause? What do they deserve as punishment?

What if we shifted our focus to the person who was harmed and asked different questions, like what needs to happen between the parties to make it right? How can everyone move forward?

Matt Johnston is the Program Director with Domestic Violence Safe Dialogue, a Portland nonprofit focused on ending the cycle of domestic violence through safe, supervised conversations with survivors and surrogate offenders and helping both parties foster transformative change. Matt spent seven years working with men convicted of domestic violence offenses, and he is a firm believer in the principles of restorative justice.

Matt joins Katherine to discuss the difference between restorative justice and the retributive system. He explains how the restorative process can be both more satisfying and more painful at the same time. Matt covers the desire for revenge and how it seems to dissipate when people feel heard.  Matt walks us through the programs offered at Domestic Violence Safe Dialogue and the top motivators for participation. Listen in for Matt’s insight on how restorative justice differs from forgiveness and how its principles could be applied to the divorce process.

Topics Covered

How the focus of restorative justice differs from the retributive system

Why restorative justice is a deeper, more painful process

How money functions as an avoidance strategy

The value of direct participation in the restorative justice process

The healing nature of sharing perspectives

Why the desire for revenge goes away when people feel heard

The myth that revenge will heal or offer closure

How restorative justice differs from forgiveness

How the restorative approach might be applied to divorce

Acknowledge that dispute exists

Share from both perspectives

Collaborate to determine what happened

The situations in which restorative justice will not work

The programs offered at Domestic Violence Safe Dialogue

Safe dialogue program

Survivor impact panels

The top motivations for enrolling in the program

Reduce sense of intimidation

Answer questions of WHY

The significance of self-forgiveness

Connect with Matt Johnston

Domestic Violence Safe Dialogue: https://dvsdprogram.com/

Resources

Donna Hicks: http://drdonnahicks.com/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

It is incredibly challenging to maintain your health during the divorce process. Some of us overeat, some of us stop eating altogether. Many spend a lot of time on the couch, while others exercise non-stop. So how do you find the right balance and choose a more positive response to such a stressful time? Today’s guest has designed a blueprint to help you eat right, keep moving and take care of your social and spiritual needs.

Dinah Barr-Campanaro is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist (RDN) credentialed by the Commission on Dietetic Registration and a Certified Dietary Manager (CDN) and Certified Food Protection Professional (CFPP) credentialed by the Certifying Board for Dietary Managers. She serves as an active member of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics as well as the Association of Nutrition and Foodservice Professionals.

Today, Dinah joins Katherine to discuss the challenges around maintaining a healthy lifestyle during the divorce process. She walks us through her four-fold, holistic approach, addressing proper nutrition, adequate physical activity, recuperative self-care and care of the soul. Dinah shares insight on choosing a variety of nutrient-dense, whole foods that boost immunity and prevent inflammation. She explains the value of balance in terms of exercise, socialization and alcohol intake. Listen in and commit to a plan that promotes your physical and spiritual health during the divorce process.

Topics Covered

Dinah’s holistic approach to maintaining health during stressful times

Proper nutrition

Physical activity

Recuperative self-care

Care of the soul

How to calculate appropriate caloric intake

How divorce can impact your self-image

The value in choosing nutrient-dense, whole foods

Dinah’s insight on weight training to improve muscle mass

How an anti-inflammatory diet promotes health

The role of rest, sleep, recreation and social engagement

How a formal or informal spiritual practice promotes healing

The danger in self-medicating with alcohol

Moderation is key

Consider nutritional impact

How to commit to a healthy eating plan

Connect with Dinah Barr-Campanaro

Email mailto:[email protected]

Phone 917-913-7648

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

Divorce is a source of trauma. The process is stressful and emotional. Yet it’s also an opportunity. After a settlement has been reached, you can pursue new ambitions, creating a renewed vision for your life moving forward. With the right attitude and preparation, it is possible to profit from the experience.

In 2006, Paul Ross’ marriage of 25 years ended. In the five long years it took Paul and his ex-wife to reach a settlement, he applied his business background to the situation and designed a ten-point plan to help him navigate the process. That blueprint included an approach to controlling costs and recovering wealth as well as a plan to rebuild his life and explore new opportunities once the divorce was final.

Paul’s ten-point plan eventually became a book, How to Profit from Your Divorce. Today, he joins Katherine to explain how his family values were strengthened during the process as Paul and his daughter discovered a new bond. He shares the benefits of sharing your expectations with your ex-spouse, exploring all of your available options, and remaining constructive throughout the process. Paul speaks to the financial aspects of divorce, including the challenge of avoiding debt and ensuring that there are no surprises when it comes to legal costs. Listen in and learn how to reframe divorce as an opportunity to create a new vision for your life and to engage in new interests and aspirations.

Topics Covered

How Paul leveraged his corporate background to navigate divorce

Paul’s determination to remain positive through the process

How Paul discovered a new bond with his daughter

The opportunity to take stock and determine a new path after divorce

Paul’s ten-point plan for prevailing through the divorce process

The value of sharing your expectations with your ex-spouse

Paul’s advice around considering all available options (i.e.: mediation, DIY)

How to ensure there are no surprises when it comes to the costs incurred

The mistakes Paul made in allowing hostility to move into the process

The importance of determining new goals and ambitions post-divorce

What motivated Paul to write How to Profit from Your Divorce

Costs can get out of control

Help legal professionals understand anxieties

Improve legal system

The three meanings of ‘profit’ in the title of Paul’s book

Paul’s strategies for remaining constructive during divorce

Respect, appreciate each other’s expectations

Keep emotions at bay

Connect with Paul Ross

Paul’s Website: www.paul-ross.com

Paul on LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/paul-ross-001a15128/

Paul on Twitter: https://twitter.com/PaulHtpd

Resources

How to Profit from Your Divorce by P. A. Ross: www.paul-ross.com/the-book

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

While divorcing partners may not be able to agree on much else, they DO want what is best for their children. But when you’re in the middle of crafting a parenting plan, it’s easy to get lost in the details, get competitive, and forget your shared mission—to provide a healthy life for your kids moving forward.

Dr. Deanna Conklin-Danao is a clinical psychologist in the Chicago area. She has 15-plus years of experience in the field of mental health, serving a school-based health center, a community mental health center as well as hospital-based inpatient and outpatient settings. Dr. Conklin-Danao has been in private practice since 2006, and her work covers a broad range of issues including depression, anxiety and life transitions. Her work with children, adolescents, couples and families makes Dr. Conklin-Danao uniquely qualified to be a Collaborative Law Divorce Coach, helping families tailor solutions to fit their family’s unique needs during divorce.

Today, Dr. Conklin-Danao joins Katherine to discuss the importance of surrounding yourself with personal and professional support that will keep you focused on doing what’s best for your children. Dr. Conklin-Danao walks us through the factors to consider in crafting a parenting plan, from the ages and personalities of your children to the shift in your identity as a parent. She shares her ‘business relationship’ approach to working with your former partner and her insight on presenting your core values as a problem to solve, rather than a personal criticism. Listen in to understand how to avoid turning co-parenting into a competition so that your kids can spend meaningful time with both parents.

Topics Covered

How to craft a parenting plan that grows with your family

The danger in making choices rooted in hurt and disappointment

The importance of considering your kids’ ages and personalities

The impact of positive personal and professional support

Articulate aim to put kids first

Keep focus on end goal

The difficult shift to a co- or parallel parenting relationship

How therapy can help you mourn the loss of your marriage

The value in viewing co-parenting as a business relationship

How to cope when your identity as a parent shifts suddenly

Dr. Conklin-Danao’s insight around core values

What’s most important to share with my child?

What can I let go of?

Presenting core values as a positive need vs. personal criticism

How to avoid turning co-parenting into a competition

Why putting children in the middle hinders their development

Connect with Dr. Conklin-Danao

Dr. Conklin-Danao’s Website:https://drconklindanao.com

Dr. Conklin-Danao’s Blog: https://drconklindanao.com/blog

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

Parents going through a separation often make one of two choices when it comes to communicating with their children: 1) They protect the children by sharing very little about the process, or 2) They involve their children in adult conversations, treating them as confidants. Neither scenario gives the children a voice—a way to share their experience.

Award-winning filmmaker Ellen Bruno is on a mission to change that through the documentary SPLIT, a collaboration with children ages six through twelve exploring the life-altering separation of their parents. The film presents the children’s perspective on divorce, empowering them to speak the truth of what is on their minds and in their hearts. SPLIT encourages parents to make better choices as they move through divorce and offers courage and validation to other children who see the film.

Today, Ellen joins Katherine to share how her own separation led her to create the documentary SPLIT. She explains the film’s power in giving voice to the experiences of children of divorce and providing parents with insight into what their kids are going through. Ellen speaks to the impact of parents’ choices, discussing the direct relationship between cooperation and the wellbeing of children. Listen in for Ellen’s insight around using the film to reimagine the way we divorce in our culture and to facilitate conversation among professionals, parents and children.

Topics Covered

How the film SPLIT explores the effects of divorce on children

The validation of hearing other kids share their experiences

How SPLIT gives parents insight into what their kids are going through

The impact of the choices parents make during a separation

Ellen’s desire to reimagine how we divorce in our culture

Community support

Avoid blaming, polarization

The empowering nature of being given a voice

The themes that emerged through the children’s interviews

Hard to watch fighting

Fantasy that parents will reunite

Fears around new partners

How the film facilitates conversation between parents and children

How professionals might use the film to initiate discussion with parents

The negative scenarios kids spin when they lack information

The direct relationship between parent cooperation and well-being of kids

How teenagers involved in conflict struggle to put their own needs first

Providing kids with a hopeful blueprint for healthy relationships

How SPLIT helps parents refocus and reach agreements

Connect with Ellen Bruno

SPLIT Website: www.splitfilm.org

Bruno Films: http://brunofilms.com

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1

“It’s never too late. Put the divorce on pause, find a really strong, good therapist who knows what they’re doing, and give it a few months before you pull the plug.”

Terry Real is a renown family therapist and the bestselling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. Terry is the founder of the Relational Empowerment Institute, and his work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, and numerous academic publications. He is known for his ground-breaking work in helping transform couples on the brink of divorce.

Today, Terry joins Katherine to discuss the role of grieving your marriage in the process of letting go and the silver lining of learning that can come from the divorce process. He shares his approach to working with couples on ‘marital death’s door,’ explaining how he leverages the Relationship Intervention to get couples back on track. Listen in to find out why Terry thinks you should press the pause button and seek out emergency couples therapy before you move forward with divorce.

Topics Covered

The challenge around feeling the pain of divorce without acting it out

The pivotal role of grieving in the process of letting go

How to view divorce as a potential growth experience

Understand your part in what went wrong

Realign with core values

How the Relationship Intervention helps couples get back on track

Terry’s approach to working with couples on ‘marital death’s door’

Take sides, tell the truth

Create treatment program

The value of having a therapist that acts as a coach rather than a cheerleader

Why couples don’t seek help before they are in dire straits

Terry’s take that no matter how bad a marriage is, there is always hope

The four methods of decision-making in the divorce process

DIY

Traditional litigation model

Mediation

Collaborative law

Connect with Terry Real

Terry’s Website: www.terryreal.com

Books by Terry Real: amazon.com/Terrence-Real/e/B000APV0Q8/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

Resources

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford: www.thetimes.co.uk/article/how-not-to-hatehttps://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Time-Surviving-Divorce-Building/dp/0060923091-your-husband-like-i-used-to-sdzfrwzff

‘How to Not Hate Your Husband’ in The Times: https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/how-not-to-hate-your-husband-like-i-used-to-sdzfrwzff

Staying in Love Online Course: http://stayinginlove.pages.ontraport.net/%20

Relationship Inventory Quiz: www.terryreal.com/quiz

I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Terry Real: www.terryreal.com/product/i-dont-want-to-talk-about-it/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/

Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/

Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1