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There's fact and fiction. Lies and truths.  We argue with both, and we do both. It's ok, just acknowledge it.  The best questions to ask are, what fictions to I 'believe in'? What Facts make me uncomfortable? What lies do I support and why? What truths do I avoid and why? Once I understood that, I understood myself better, my failures as a husband, my shortcomings...but I also understood MY WIFE!  Aye-Carumba MAN!

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Self-Awareness INTROSPECTION OWNERSHIP ACCOUNTABILITY Are all qualities that are lost in my wife. It's made BOTH our lives so much more difficult.  

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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The tried and true path of implementation. It's a hard path to stay on and live within. Treating another adult as a child still seems, CRUEL. I do not feel good knowing that I am strategical, manipulating my wife, based on what I feel she's capable of.  I do LIKE knowing that my wife has maturity limitations. It has saved me so much time and grief. I feel like, I was asking a dog to do MATH.  THE DOG CANNOT DO MATH.  Asking my wife to be accountable was like asking a 1-year old, to do that same thing. SHE JUST CAN'T. I needed to get that through my thick skull. 

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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What does alone mean to me, as it relates to marriage? Well, I feel like I'm better alone, but I still NEED an intimate partner.  I am better alone, I work, I diary, I consume podcasts, I pursue more work endeavors, I ALSO NEED someone to have breakfast with, and to be there when I come up for air.  This is an unfortunate truth to acknowledge. I want a relationship on my own terms. I cannot fully be there for anyone, even myself. So, now I understand this. I can't be as independent as I need to while staying fully present and in a committed relationship.  Very hard to try and do both. It's hard to find happiness if this is a balancing act you pursue. I cannot be in a relationship because of the expectations put on me, and the expectations I put on my wife.  I stay grounded and focused typically, where her emotions and desires fluctuate. YIKES, it's hard to find the stability I love, as I'm pulling in irrational and illogical directions. What a conundrum!   

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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RED PILL RAGED Episodes | only accessible here:

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I was just NOT what I should have been to her. The state of this marriage is NOT ALL HER FAULT.  That would be unfair to put ALL of our PROBLEMS on 1 person. Looking back, understanding who I was vs. who I am now is a very important step in my self-awareness journey. Once you go down the rabbit hole of your life, you'll come out dirty - like I did. 

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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It may not, JUST KIDDING, be a bad deal for you. But marriage was just not a good thing for me.  I was young, there were sunk costs I weighed. I couldn't escape the accountability I felt by making a child as a young teenager.  Why should my son have to pay for my errors in judgement.  

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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The reality is, I don't matter to my wife as much as I thought I did. I was arrogant. I thought I was special. I thought I was worth it, or at least something.  TO MY WIFE It's a hard, and large pill to swallow. Not being wanted, respected, or ultimately loved.  That's my matrimony. It feels good to accept it. 

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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Probably one of the biggest mistakes I made, was allowing her to move back in. She CHEATED, SHE LEFT, and I 'let her' come back home. Seriously, now where we are is far worse than before she ever cheated. SUNK COSTS told me I should try to repair and salvage what we were, or could have been. MISTAKES WERE MADE I'll go into her financial NON-CONTRIBUTIONS to the family over the years. She took her body and gave it to someone else. She took her finances and gave it to a leasing office. She took her debt and increased it with creditors. My wife feels, by watching her actions, that she owes me nothing, and that she's a taker.  WHY DID I LET HER MOVE BACK IN? I'm just a foolish man.  

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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RED PILL RAGED Episodes | only accessible here:

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I've got to accept the reality that any FORWARD momentum for our family will come from the initiative I take.  That's ok. I wish I'd known this before we got married. I wouldn't have asked my wife to DO ANYTHING. It was unfair of me to try and "get my wife" to do anything. That's really difficult to understand at this point of my life. But I have to accept reality on realities' terms.  It's all on ME, that reality is OK with me now. I wish I'd moved like this from the start. 

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The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

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we all have traumas confronting them honestly, it's very helpful, but HARD

RED PILL RAGED Episodes | only accessible here:

https://anchor.fm/divorcediariespodcast/subscribe

Subscribe Below:

The TOTALLY RED PILLED RAGED DO NOT REPEAT Podcast on PATREON *Only Listen if you want to Gauge how angry you or someone you might have experienced is or was.*

Instagram : @divorcediariespodcast

Twitter : @divorcediaries2

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