I took down the first 10 seasons of this stupid podcast. I did it because I just got in over my head. I was cocky and arrogant in thinking I could solve these very complicated problems for myself over time. NAH not a thing.   I need help, I needed a therapist. I may need a psychiatrist. Who knows.  I just know I needed to go on a journey to get to know myself, so that I can fix myself. 

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i didn't realize WHAT i had WHO i had what could our marriage have been if my perspective were different. Think of it. If you knew that the bacon you had with every burger you had since you were a kid would lead you DIRECTLY to your triple bypass you need at 42 years old...would you start the BACON HABIT?  Probably not...  Had my perspective been different, I maybe would have - nah I DEFINITELY would have done things differently.

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I WAS NOT A GOOD HUSBAND.  I WAS NOT A GOOD FATHER. I WAS NOT A GOOD MAN because of all this.   I was supposed to help or save my family, sometimes from themselves. How can I do that If my entire life is a $#!T SHOW? 

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Is this gaslighting again? Does she really believe this? I'm home every night, cook meals, keep my cell phone unlocked and open for ANYONE to pry through if they want to.  I cheated before, but I won't again. Maybe her inability to understand this is a problem for us - well DUH, YA THINK?! 

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I'm not sure how to solve the problem of issue redirection. I think it's in the dynamic of our marriage and most of the heterosexual relationship partners I've talked to.  I'm not sure if this means I 'should' get divorced, or understand this is just HOW MARRIAGE IS?! I'm #soconfused 

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I don't know UP from DOWN or LEFT from uh uh uh...(some other direction) I go on a small vacation to do something I love, and this amount of FREEDOM was a good use of my time.  

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I swear I'm being pranked, gaslit, or something. God has a sick sense of humor.  I just really want consistency.  

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My wife is one of the biggest lovers, with a very big heart. She's an enabler and I don't think she understands what that really means. It's almost killed our marriage or any chance for repair. 

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Seriously I'm an Idiot! Why do I refuse to see reality on reality's terms? 

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Weighing the problems - they really seem too heavy to continue lifting.  I can only take so much, and so can she. Eventually, we'll buckle or break under the pressures of the problems we strive to solve with each other.  Maybe we've just reached what we can BOTH UNDERSTAND is THE END? 

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