Crunch…crunch…crunch…CRUNCH! What’s that?! Albert munching on unsalted almonds? No, you idiot, it’s the latest episode of Do Be A Monster! Pour yourself a Scotch and strap in 'cause the boys are going to take you on a wild rollercoaster ride from the peaks of Ben Macdui to romp with The Big Grey Man all the way down to the dirty, forgotten bathhouses of Japan to slurp up some fun with the Akaname! This one’s got it all folks: Scots, scum, fur, tongue! [Makes the sign of the cross] Remember in the Neverending Story when the kid hides in the attic of the school and eats half an apple while reading the book under a dirty old rat-piss blanket? Yeah, do that with the seventeenth installment of Do Be A Monster!

Episode 85: Forget the Christmas goose and throw the figgy pudding out the window because the only thing good enough for all you idiomats out there is whatever abomination to nature rolls out of the boys’ big old sack of due corrections after this year’s annual Don’t Be An Idiom Holiday Snipe Hunt Extravaganza! We’ll be sucking down snouts and picking our teeth with hide bristles until our bells be ringing the glad, glad news! So grab your gongs and heed the call! I think I just spotted one hiding under your sweet pappy’s pork pie hat! Tally Hooooooo!!!

Episode 84: From soup to nuts, we here at DBAI Inc. are wishing you and yours a crappy Thanksgiving! And if your great step grammy starts wailing like a banshee 'cause there’s chunkers in the mashed potaters, give her some sound advice and tell her, “DON’T BE AN IDIOM, GRANNY!” That’s all folks!

Episode 83: Trick or treat, kiddies! Episode 83 is coming at ya like a bat out of Hell on this dark day when the veil between worlds is thinner than your podcast hosts’ hair! So, whether you’re haunting the spooky streets like little Tony Provolone, or kicking back in your favorite lawn chair handing out fun-size salamis to all the little shits in the neighborhood, make sure you give your ears a little treat this Samhain. The treat is episode 83, if that wasn’t clear. And though this is an idiom episode, on Halloween we’d be remiss if we didn’t say DO BE A MONSTER!

Episode 82: Greetings, boils and ghouls! We hope you didn’t stay up until the witching hour this weekend waiting for your favorite podcast to disgrace you with its presence. You see, the boys have been going through some…changes, and have come to the conclusion that Fridays are spooky-cool enough on their own. Mondays, on the other hand, keep showing up like a bad penny, so we’ve decide to help soften the blows with a little biweekly idiomatic intervention. For those brave souls that actually read these write-ups, you’re probably thinking, “Well this bites the big one!” But don’t fret my pets, change is inevitable…just remember, it’s also inedible! So if you want to make sense, don’t eat money, ok? TGIM!

Look at you. You are covered in dirt and you have just dug up the sixteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. For better or worse, the tentacles of this Shoggoth of an episode will travel deep into your consciousness and reveal all sorts of mischieveous monsters and mayhem. For starters, Albert will take you by the hand to the borderlands of Scotland and England where he will introduce you to the Red Cap — a goblin with a very specific need for blood and a penchant for making abodes of abandoned castles. Next up, Ryan will lead you through the history of the foundation of Detroit where a red demon named Nain Rouge has been lingering for centuries, warning Michigan residents of impending doom (or causing it). So pour yourself a bowl of Count Chocula and hit play if you dare — this episode is bound to give you a whopping scare!

Episode 81: If thine fruit is ripe, pluck it! And if thy root beer doth chill, sip it! This is the kind of Augustan era philosophizing you're going to get in this week's bodacious episode of idiom history sleuthing. Yahs, the fellas really go the whole nine yards with fascinating rivulets that include stacked white tires and the depth of a rich man's grave. So carpe diem and enter the world of Don't Be An Idiom.

Episode 80: Whoa, Nelly! Word on the street is we’ve got some quislings in our midst. It seems that some of you have been dabbling in various forms of VISUAL media behind our backs! Honestly, we’re just a little hurt. I mean, the boob tube? Really? It’s not even what it sounds like! I thought we all agreed that the only entertainment you need to know…is audi audi audi-YO?! And we’re not into the whole ENM listeners thing, so you can either stick with us or take the bus! Episode 80 has all the delicious sounds you need without all the pesky distractions of moving pictures. So give your eyeballs a rest. Heck, why don’t ya put 'em in a dirty old jelly jar until tomorrow? We promise not to steal them.

Episode 79: Ah, summer. There’s just something about it. How it harkens us back to the halcyon days of daisy chains, tire swings, a glass of sweet mammy’s lemonade on the back porch, more daisy chains…”WEE-OO WEE-OO! ATTENTION, THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT! THE US GOVERNMENT! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, SUMMER HAS BEEN DEEMED ILLEGAL DUE TO RECORD HIGH LEVELS OF PLEASURE ALONG WITH AN OVERALL LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY! IT’S SIMPLY UNAMERICAN! ALL IPHONE CALENDARS HAVE BEEN REMOTELY UPDATED TO SEPTEMBER 1ST! AND DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING OFF FOR LABOR DAY! ALL US RESIDENTS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO WORK A FULL 24 HOUR SHIFT ON ALL FUTURE LABOR DAYS! I MEAN, COME ON PEOPLE, IT’S NOT CALLED UN-LABOR DAY! IT’S AMAZING WE LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT ONE FOR SO LONG! MESSAGE TERMINATED….ALONG WITH SWEET SUMMER…SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?” What?! They can’t actually do that can they? Say it ain’t so! Say it ain’t sooooooo! Get ready peeps, you know it’s coming. In the meantime, veg hard on Episode 79. You’ll be feeling fine…for now.

Episode 78: You awake in a small, neatly furnished room. You rise from the bed and walk over to the mirror sitting atop the dresser at the far end of the room. It is not a long walk. There’s no recognition in the face staring back at you. The face is neither overly attractive, nor what you would consider ugly. It’s the kind of face that would blend easily into a crowd and be forgotten the moment it left one’s sight. You move to the window and behold tall, knotty pines. The mid afternoon sun hangs low in the sky and makes you feel sick to your stomach…but you don’t know why. That’s when you realize you’re not alone. Beads of cold sweat swell on your forehead as you’re hit with an unmistakable feeling of déjà vu. There are footsteps on the stairs now. A smell rises up in your nostrils. Something sickly sweet and familiar that you can’t quite place. You move to the door as quickly as you can to turn the lock. The instant you hear the click, your sigh of relief is stifled in your throat as whatever is on the other side of the door pounds and claws at the wood, howling like a mad wolf with a parasite in its brain. As you throw your whole weight against the door, you hear static rise from the radio on the bedside table. Through the white noise you swear you hear a voice whispering, “Episode 78…it’s already too late.” The pounding continues with inhuman strength as you feel your own resolve waning. Your muscles scream, the blood pounds in your ears, and as the hinges on the door explode from the wall you ask yourself, “What kind of tar baby have I gotten myself into?”