Dr. UnStuck Podcast — Get Out of Your Head. Get Into Your Life.

This continued discussion is about learning to stop reacting and being blown about with the slightest change in wind pattern. From there we move toward surrender from the urge to control, compulsively care-take, rescue, as well as the triangle of victimization, rescue, and persecution. As we bring our approval-meter inside, we are well on our way to emotional disentanglement and freedom . . .

Codependency can be a lot to wake up from, much like someone sticking a smelling salts beneath your nose. With this new sobering awareness we can now take a big step forward on the path of recovery, with the very first place we visit being detachment. Detachment is a skill that is essential for the codependent to become free from the shackles of the entanglement of their relationship (s). When we learn to detach with love, we become that much closer to living the authentic and fulfilling life we were meant to lead . . . 

Pay Yourself First is a phrase most commonly heard rolling out of the mouths of financial advisors, and is certainly some sound advice. For those of us experiencing pandemic fatigue, however, this has taken on a new meaning. Even those of us who consider ourselves somewhat good with self-care, have found that the Rona virus has thrown a wrench into our wheel of motivation.  Here are ten tips to "replenish your well" amid pandemic fatigue.

There are so many ways for codependency to manifest and leak into our adult relationships. Part 2 zooms in on the source of codependency which is the underlying feeling of being unlovable. This is behind why we compulsively rescue, care-take, people-please, control, seek out people who mistreat us, and look to find approval and happiness externally.   This is a deeper dive into why we have difficulty with trust, expressing anger, accepting compliments, and loving ourselves in general.

Many of us don't realize until we are deep into adulthood that we may have developed some codependent patterns along the way. As adults, these may now be showing up in our relationships. Some become rescuers, people-pleasers, controllers and control-ees, abusers and abusees. Many would rather remain in an abusive relationship than go it alone. Still others may have a seemingly endless need for reassurance and approval-seeking. Becoming aware of these unhealthy learned behaviors is the first step toward developing healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Once we figure out what toxic shame is and how it hides, it is time to take a big, deep breath and come out in the open with it. We need to embrace our shame in order to release it. We often must grieve our lost childhoods to arrive at a place of genuine acceptance. Only then can we move toward letting go and moving on to a new shame-free existence . . .

This is a continued discussion on how toxic shame hides. Among these "tree forts" for shame are arrogance, contempt, rage, patronizing, envy, people-pleasing, and the compulsive need for care-giving. This is because the underlying pain of shame, that feeling of being flawed and defective is unbearable, and we must therefore find a way to alleviate this. Becoming aware of these hiding places helps us to uncover and reveal our shame for what it is. Only when we truly get it, can we begin to talk back to these toxic internal messages and rewire our minds with new dialogue based in our own truth.

Shame is toxic, the most intense and excruciating emotion a human being can feel. It is the feeling of being flawed and defective. This is why  dysfunctional parents so often "project" their shame onto their children, often resulting in kids carrying their parents' shame and eventually becoming "shame-based" themselves. This is also why shame manifests in so many different ways, as we want to hide this feeling of being unworthy. These "hiding places" can take many forms, one of the most common being perfectionism. The first step toward healing is to become aware of the unconscious defenses that keep us stuck.

Original worthiness, that feeling we were born into this world with before any negative and shameful messages were said to us, can get lost. We often internalize these messages, creating our own feedback loop of toxic internal dialogue. As these messages are replayed we begin to believe these untruths about ourselves, frequently manifesting as obsessive desires to self-deprecate, catastrophize, or ruminate over a wake of should-ofs, could-ofs, and would-ofs  . . . While these automatic negative thoughts drive the bus, the authentic self waits patiently to return to power . . . join in and learn how to make this happen!

Much like farmers cultivate their land to produce rich soil that then yields an abundant harvest, so this is true with cultivating the attitudes that drive our very existence. Our attitudes can be our biggest assets or the most crippling of disabilities. We can exercise and strengthen our bounce-back muscles  with practice, and by learning to develop the cognitive fortitude of the "Warrior Mind." Seven skills for resilience are discussed to Nanakorobi yaoki, a Japanese proverb which means to "fall down seven times and get up eight . . . "