Dr. UnStuck Podcast — Get Out of Your Head. Get Into Your Life.

Scarcity captures the mind, affecting how we think, feel, and behave. Getting stuck in a pattern of scarcity attracts more scarcity. This does not only occur with money, but with time as well. For many of us working and learning virtually, the amount of screen-time we have engaged in has been overwhelming. We have often found ourselves double-booked, over-booked, and mistakenly missing meetings. This has sometimes led to feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and inadequacy, not to mention brain-fog. Quite frankly, we are "Zoomed-out." Shifting out of this chaotic head-space where we are constantly playing "catch-up," apologizing, and borrowing from next week's time-bank to make even more commitments, is the first step back to sanity during these rapidly changing and uncertain times. 

In some ways, 2020 has seemed like the year that just won’t end . . .

After the world closed down in mid-March, many of us who were not considered essential workers were forced into un-pioneered territory, making an abrupt shift to working virtually from our dining room tables, or not at all, to online learning, etc, all while under enormous stress.

At this point, we have adjusted (if we really want to call it that) to 24-hour togetherness with family, perpetual over-stimulation due to no space to call our own, board game fatigue, running out of things to binge-watch, as well as the accompanying low to medium grade anxiety that has percolated all day every day like a stale cup of coffee from a gas station. We are now being asked to re-enter. COVacay is over.

Worrying is a roadblock to the abundance trying to make its way into our lives, including money. By practicing being nervous and stressed (worrying), we can become quite good at it, impairing our overall well-being as well as our ability to be financially successful. Worrying also sucks up lots of time we could use to be productive, never mind that it is draining, exhausting, and a waste of our valuable life-minutes.  By actively working toward a more worry-free mindset, we open the door wide for creativity, more confidence in the workplace, asking for a raise, speaking to groups, less sensitivity to criticism and rejection, as well as trying new things and taking healthy risks.

We have heard lots about random acts of kindness and these are certainly good, too. Being kind consciously; however, feeds the soul, because we are choosing this with someone else's well-being in mind. It also increases our own level of happiness as this actually causes a release of  dopamine, the brain's "feel good" chemical. Happiness is a lifestyle, and working in small acts of kindness will further strengthen our positivity muscles just like going to the gym. 

Many people hold the belief that once they become successful they will become happy, when in reality the opposite is true. Happiness is not merely a feeling. Happiness is magnetic energy that attracts more positivity and brings with it lots and lots of advantages in relationships, school, the workplace. Happiness gives us an overall competitive edge in life.

The need to prove ourselves is something that most of us have been roped into along our life journeys, whether it be as the new kid in middle school, when trying out for a high school sports team, or as an adult beginning an exciting new job or relationship. The butterflies whirl around in our stomachs and adrenaline surges through our veins, as we give it everything we've got to acquire that external approval we've been tricked into thinking we need by the ego. Proving ourselves can set us up for a dangerous trap, as it takes tremendous energy to convince others of our own self worth. Not only this, but the less we actively seek out external approval the more it lands in our laps. Practicing humility leads to authenticity, and authentic confidence has nothing to prove.

Weatherproofing refers to looking for cracks, chips, or faulty parts of a house that we then plan to fix. This is also something we can do with other people and ourselves. Often we think that fault-finding is about the other person's annoying or challenging behavior, when in reality it says nothing about them and everything about us. We get roped into this habit and begin to see life as not being all it's cracked up to be and that nothing will ever be enough. When we shift this habit over to looking at these challenging people as "Personal Emotional Trainers" it can change our entire attitude, our relationships, and our lives.

Many of us walk around dodging genuine compliments as if they were horseflies. We often break eye-contact when someone says something truly heart-felt, followed by an abrupt change of topic and polite dismissal of the nice-sayer. We need to make a conscious effort to become comfortable with the uncomfortable in order to allow the good in and to get used to how this feels. As when we do, we attract more good into our lives. By practicing letting in the good we gradually learn to accept and live from our authentic greatness . . .

Each inner conflict, emotional need, or craving needs a solution that matches the "problem" or area in need of healing. Just like someone with scurvy would take vitamin C and not vitamin B12 or a calcium supplement, we need to fill our selves up with the soul food that matches the wound or deficit within us. This week we continue our discussion on becoming hardwired for happiness by further exploring the three operating systems of the mind, avoiding, approaching, and attaching (based on the work of Rick Hanson), and then providing strategies to find your "Vitamin C."

There is a reason that we are drawn to wallow in sadness and hit replay on hurt feelings to relive each and every detail. Our brains are hardwired for negativity bias, meaning that we learn faster from bad things happening than we do from good ones. This is very primal, from way back when we were being chased by Saber-tooth tigers and needing to learn fast lessons of survival. The good news is that we have the power to re-wire our hard-drives for happiness by learning to be and work with the mind, something referred to as self-directed neuroplasticity. By actively inviting positive experiences in and becoming comfortable with this good feeling, our brain's neural networks change in a way that allows for more good to come in as well as for authentic self-compassion and assertiveness.