Emotional Physics

In this episode, Tink and Gillian answer a question from a listener who is choosing a single life right now, but is wondering how to sit wisely with loneliness when it arises.  We discuss aloneness versus loneliness, and take a look at our cave person/survival brain's tendency to create the negative experience of loneliness by telling us that we must be alone due to having been rejected, punished, or otherwise left to be eaten by the wildebeests.  We discuss therapy tools from modalities like Internal Family Systems therapy and somatic therapy to both interrogate and find compassion for loneliness in order to regulate ourselves effectively in solitude.  As always, we share of our own trials and tribulations when trying to follow our own advice.

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In this episode Tink schools Gillian, and our listening community, on how on earth she seems to have such an easy time meeting cute sweeties in real life.  Gillian identifies some things that have tended to hold her back in doing this, in particular middle-school lingering fears of rejection, or even of it being shameful to be a human in the world with eyes and ears who might potentially look at or jump into the conversation of someone else in a public space.  Together, we discuss some psychological ideas about confidence, authenticity, and balancing discernment with loving like you can't be hurt.

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In this episode we address fighting, a big topic as far as both listener questions and our couples therapy practices.  We discuss ways that we actually are in favor of fighting at times, and note that a fight with a healthy repair can create even more strength in a relationship than never having had any rupture (rip in the fabric of harmony and getting along) at all.  

As always we share some of our own stories to illustrate topics like:

- How fights with partners are uniquely positioned to illuminate our blind spots and give us a chance to fast-track our development

- Staying curious (what!?) about a partner's experience even and especially when they are upset at you

- Ways to deal with a partner that goes right to "Ugh I guess I'm just a piece of s#$t" when receiving any negative feedback

- Why you actually should sometimes go to bed angry

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In this episode, we take a look at the theme of embarrassment in relationships, based on several listener questions on the topic including:

1. How can I get my partner to stop being so embarrassing?

2. Why is my partner so embarrassed by me?

and

3. Why do I find myself roasting or trying to embarrass my partner sometimes when I know this isn't cool behavior?

As always Tink and Gillian share some tales of their own historical foibles and what they have learned from them. We also bring in some neurological and evolutionary psych info about how social belonging can feel like a life- or-death issue to the cave-person part of our brain, causing us to react poorly to exposure or perceived exposure.  We also talk about how to use embarrassment as information about our own or our partners' areas of vulnerability and insecurity rather than a measurement of anybody's actual worth, and how to communicate compassionately to help everybody feel more safe and free.

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In this week's episode we discuss the universally human and hurts-so-good phenomenon of pining after someone who is already our friend.  We have gotten several different questions on this topic and WE GET IT being serial-friend-crushers ourselves.  We do our best to get to all of it in this episode including:

1. Should I tell my friend I have a crush on them?  If so, how?  Is it bad not to tell them?

2. Is there a way to tell if my friend is also crushing on me?

3. Why do I keep getting crushes on my friends in the first place?

4. Will I survive/will my friendship survive if the crush is not reciprocated?

As always we include tales of our own foibles, and use a relationship anarchy approach to interrogate the idea that romantic love is any better or more valuable than platonic devotion.  

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In this episode we answer a listener question from someone who finds themselves avoiding their romantic longings out of fear that love might, once again, wreck the many awesome things going on in their independent life. We talk about the neurobiology of how and why a big romantic spark can make humans feel both so disoriented and so vulnerable.  Gillian brings out the super shrinky psychoanalytic theory to identify how new relationship energy can even dissolve people into a regressed infantile state at times, causing us to misperceive any old hottie as some idealized partner/caregiver who is perfectly attuned and safe. We also talk about how to explore romantic love from a more wise-adult position of keeping both the thinking and feeling parts of ourselves online, going slowly, and using clear intentions and values around love to guide us rather than relying on the wattage of an incandescent, yet tricky, visceral connection to tell us where to sail.

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In this episode Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about discussing within a partnership things about each others' family patterns that we don't want to repeat in our present-day dynamic.  Risky business, folks!  We considered:

• Why the childhood survival brain makes people so reactive to criticism of their parents 
• How to "go first" acknowledging the challenges of your own family of origin before offering feedback on your partners' parents
• Taking a balanced look together at the gifts and drawbacks of the dynamics of each partner's family and cross-referencing these against shared values and intentions for the future
• Why we have to have these conversations so we don't inadvertently repeat the very dynamics we might prefer to learn from

Gillian mentioned this values exercise that she likes to offer folks:

http://webmedia.jcu.edu/advising/files/2016/02/Core-Values-Exercise.pdf

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Today Tink and Gillian answer a listener question about how to determine when a relationship needs to end?  How do we figure this out for ourselves?  And when would we how would we ever reflect to close friends if we have a sense that their relationship might need to end?  As always we start with some tangential tales, this time including parrots and dolphins, but we swing right around to foundational ideas like:

1. The telltale signs of "Wrong Life Syndrome" 

2. The personal factors as far as wellness, values, and what you want a given relationship to "do" for you to use to assess how truly aligned you are with your current relationship

3. How to balance positive qualities like patience, understanding, and putting work into relationships with the ability to decisively move on when the time has come to do so, and how to talk about this among friends

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In today's episode Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question on navigating casual sex, situationships, and considering deeper commitment outside the standard box of the heteronormative expectation and timeline.  We discuss pontoon boats, the plural of moose, and the attachment styles of ghosts.  Even still, we arrive at some ideas for how you can deeply inquire of yourself what you truly want and need, taking into account your current capacity, desire, and sense of easefulness and expressiveness for and with those you are around.  We also discuss common pitfalls as far as an un-interrogated need to be chosen, an inability to accurately assess capacity to show up in a new and deeper way for a partner, and a fear of looking weak or losing power if we say we want more.  May we all go forth and communicate courageously and accountably!

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Rebekah and Gillian explore a listener question on the relationship between lust and love, and the common predicament of dwindling lust in a long term relationship.  Discoveries include:

•  Some evolutionary psych intel on the different instinctual drives of hunting versus nesting and how these might relate to different kinks as well as ebbs and flows in lust
• A relationship anarchy lens on combing out and giving equal weight to the platonic, romantic, and sexual elements of our closest bonds
• The role having kids with someone can play in amping up the "family" brainwaves of relationships and confusing or muting the "lust" department of the brain
• Tried-and-true sex therapy tricks to reframe a lack of sexual desire as a lack of sexual motivation, and to playfully foster such motivation to grow.

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Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact

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