Emotional Physics

Rebekah and Gillian come back to finish the conversation on cheating, with the important element of how they have seen couples successfully repair after infidelity.  Personal responsibility and accountability, as well as distress tolerance seem to be the superpowers used by partners we have seen be successful in learning from, healing from, and growing together after betrayal.  We talk about needing to be perfect in front of a partner, and unprocessed shame in general, as both a risk factor for cheating in the first place, and a block to repairing afterward.  We also discuss some reasonably unhinged strategies for burning through shame in your day-to-day to make your relationship more betrayal-proof and to make repair more possible.  Also peep the incredible surprise from producer Amar when we answer a listener question on whether to tell your partner you have cheated!

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Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about cheating by taking a look at:
What kinds of “cheating” (really, betrayal) exist in relationships from the sexual to even the financial or informational!  We consider how relationship agreements can help to clarify what cheating really means for each partnership, and how can we normalize talking about these agreements early and often before painful confusion, accidental, or plausibly-deniable betrayal come into the picture.  We also talk about that darn amygdala/survival brain and how unmet needs can pair with unexamined fears leading us down the path of  sneaky or damaging behavior.  How can we gain the courage to be super honest with ourselves and with the other person(s), so that challenges can be worked out in the light of day rather than in the shadowy realm of betrayal?  We finish up with a clear list of topics to proactively set up the relationship agreements of your own unions to make your connections more "cheating-proof."

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In today’s episode Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about the dismay of finding that non-monogamous relationship structures can sometimes end up feeling just as confining and trapping as monogamous structures!  So disappointing! What’s a seeker of liberated love to do? Rebekah and Tink share some ideas, identifying how a sense of feeling trapped in relationship is likely less about number of partners, and more about the unexamined questions of “what is it that I feel I can’t do, in this relationship?  Where did I get that idea?  What would it take for me to check this idea out with my partner and work together to find more freedom?” We'll discuss how to take compassionate, actionable steps toward relational freedom whether you are a monogamous or non-monogamous babe.

Here is the book Tink mentions during the episode:

Love and Freedom: Transcending monogamy and polyamory by Jorge N. Ferrer

https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781538156582/Love-and-Freedom-Transcending-Monogamy-and-Polyamory

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Gillian gets into a vortex of shrinky theory (she does this a lot) and brings in Kohut's theory of Self Psychology, which defines some primary things that children need to get from their caregivers to develop well.  Today we focus on the first of these which is "mirroring," or a caregiver's ability to reflect back to a child that they are loved and special because GUESS WHAT, how this did or didn't happen for us will directly impact the ways that we will crave to be witnessed and seen by our romantic partners!  Gillian and Tink reflect on their own childhood histories and how these have impacted the validation they have tended to seek from romantic partners, and also draw from the themes they see all the time in couples work to provide ideas on how to understand the potential intensity of the need to be witnessed in romance, and how to temper and balance that with reasonable adult expectations.  Unsurprisingly, we also bring in themes of relationship anarchy and the importance of close friends as sources of mirroring as well.

Resources: 

Article on Kohut's self-psychology:

https://unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/26/heinz-kohut-self-psychology/

Dr. Becky:

goodinside.com 

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In this episode, Gillian and Tink answer a listener's question about individuality in relationship, and how to maintain independence and connection to self while in a committed, monogamous relationship.  They dive deep into the theme of family systems and "individuation" or: how it worked or didn't work to be our own people in the company of the adults who raised us and how autonomy was or wasn't nurtured.  They answer questions like: "How do we avoid enmeshment?" "How do we stay present in our bodies and authentically grounded while in romantic attachments?" So often we lose connection to our own thoughts and impulses in relationship focusing instead on what we think our partner thinks or feels.  We can also be driven to spend all of our time with partners as the "dopamine dragon" cuts through the sky.  How do we release into the rush of dopamine and connection while also maintaining healthy spaciousness and attention to ourselves?

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Patterns of codependency and manipulation can really sneak into romantic relationships despite the best intentions of all involved.  An "I Believe You" Party is one of our favorite tools to keep thinking clearly, to honor ourselves, to stay in our own business, let go of the pressure to convince the other person of anything including our own worth, and to treat partners with compassion even during conflict. We can throw this party for ourselves and/or a partner when we accept and offer acknowledgement that someone’s position is their position, even if we don’t like or agree with it.  Once we stop trying to tear down the validity and truth of anyone's experience, we free up a ton of energy to get to the root of what is really going on, and to find the courage to move forward be it on the same or separate paths.  Parteeeee!

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In this episode Rebekah Tinker and Gillian Boudreau introduce themselves, and this: The question-based podcast exploring all things romance, love and lust particularly within non-traditional containers and setups.  Rebekah and Gillian share some of their own personal journeys both as couples therapists and as at times whilrlwindy humans navigating relationships.  They also share some central themes of an approach to honest, responsive, liberated love that they hope will inspire you to reach out with questions! 

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