Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER

In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore what happens for her when she experiences an opportunity for love and connection and she "shuts down."

She shares about her desire for love and authentic relationship, as well as her fear of being "too much."

Listen to the episode to hear her process and the take aways (that I am sure we can all relate to):

• How to get out of our heads, and into our hearts. Being "heady" gives us a false senses of protection, in that it actually works against us.
• How to slow down, breathe, and notice.
• How to honor our desire, interest, and emotion.
• How to trust our selves.
• How to deal with fear of rejection.

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 081: How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love

Thank you!

I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here.

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

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Today, I am sharing with you the second part of my story, where I faced my fears.

If you missed the first part of the story, please listen to ERP 079: A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness first.

Please listen to the episode to hear my story.

I would love to hear your feedback. Please comment below. Thank you!

MENTIONED:

• ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way (Laser coaching podcast with a listener)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 080: Finding Family Part II

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

When writing the show notes for last week's podcast episode, "ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness," I realized it might be helpful for me to share a more poignant example of a time in my life where I faced my shadow in a significant way.

Please listen to the episode to hear my story.

"Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth." ~ Modern Family "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer"

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek." — Joseph Campbell

MENTIONED:

• The Lion King (Disney)
• Click (Wikipedia)
• Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (episode description)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP: 079 A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

ACKNOWLEDGING OUR SHADOW

Last week, I took a yoga class, where the instructor talked about honoring our shadow. She spoke about the fact that we all have parts of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. We tend to focus our attention on positive aspirations, sensations, and feelings…like being happy, joyful, and in love. It is not as easy to look at our shadow.

WHAT IS OUR SHADOW

Put simply, our shadow is our blind spots and the parts of ourselves that we do not want to look at. Our shadow contains our fears, insecurities, and unresolved pain. Have you ever been super upset by something really small and not known why? Chances are you had a good reason for being so upset, but the reason for your strong reaction lies just below the surface of your awareness, within your shadow. Maybe the event triggered a deep, unacknowledged fear or maybe the event reminded you of a past wound that is still tender and raw.

FACING OUR SHADOW CAN BE PAINFUL

To live fully, it is important to acknowledge the full range of the human experience. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Over the past few days, I have been putting the magnifying glass to my own shadow. It has been an incredibly rich experience. At times, I have laughed at my own immaturity, impatience, and reactivity. At other times, I have gotten in touch with some important emotion I have been wanting to avoid.

(Please listen to the podcast episode to hear my examples, stories, and tips.)

Honoring my shadow is not a new concept, as I have been in the study and field of psychology for over 22 years. Throughout my professional development, I have studied how to work with the shadow. Throughout personal development, I have gone through many phases of deep inner work and facing issues I had never looked at before. Each time I was confronted with some opportunity to heal a part of my experience. As I embarked on the personal work, I felt uneasy, scared, and uncomfortable. Yet, I have ALWAYS gained something tremendously positive out of the experience. I have never regretted the process, time, or energy spent on my inner work.

On this show, there are many times that I talk about and try to illuminate the learning and growth opportunities within relationship intimacy. I try to point out the benefits and value of doing the relationship work. However, I don't always talk about how hard it can feel to face your pain.

THE NATURE OF ROMANCE VERSUS THE NATURE OF INTIMACY

We all want the experience of love, to be loved and to love fully. Most of us strive to develop a meaningful, lasting, loving relationship. Yet, we get mesmerize by romance and epitomize the warm, fuzzy feelings as the ultimate state of love. We don't know what to do when we are confronted with painful feelings in relationship. When we don't have a framework or a paradigm for how to hold the pain, so we feel extremely threatened and try to push the pain away in various ways. For example, "What is wrong with him, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us. He doesn't love me. She doesn't care. I can't do this. It will never work."

We don't have a roadmap for the development of authentic intimacy. We do not know that intimacy brings out our shadow…our insecurities, fears, and inadequacies, so that we can heal and become more whole. It is almost as if love brings our pain to the surface to transform it…like a purification process.

To love someone fully, all parts of their being….in full acceptance and compassion for their humanness, it a powerful experience. We have moments or glimpses of this profound experience of love, yet we get stuck and caught in our own pain and we loose our way.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS?

Often, we are so busy proving that we are good people and demonstrating our likability that we deny our darkness and shadow. We try to distance ourselves from the pain. We pretend our pain doesn't exist. We ignore, judge, avoid, and resist. Somehow, we think this will make the pain go away. We might get some short-term relief, but when pain goes unaddressed it will keep reoccurring.

When we don't deal with our shadow, we tend to project and blame others. We don't want to take responsibility for our own discomfort, so we make it about other people. We also will get triggered more easily. When we are moving through life in reaction mode, we have no real understanding of our experience. It is just an impulsive reaction, and there is no depth or learning happening. Example: "You are lazy in the bedroom." Versus "It is uncomfortable for me to share what really feels good to me."

In my couple coaching program, I give you the support and the tools to deal with projection and triggers, so that you don't stay stuck in the same negative patterns over and over again.

It is humbling to connect with our pain. This week, I have been paying attention to my uncomfortable feelings. Can you notice and name some of your uncomfortable feelings?

• Grief:
• Jealousy:
• Anxiety:
• Sadness:
• Anger:
• Fear:

1. VALUE THE FULL SPECTRUM OF FEELINGS.

What if you valued all parts of your human experience? What if you put your attention on both the good feelings and the "bad" feelings? How would this impact your growth and development?

2. CATCH JUDGMENTS AND CRITICISM.

Somewhere along the line we started judging and criticising and limiting our experience. "It is not okay to be sad. It is not okay to fail. I'm weak. It's not okay to be anger. People will not like me if I am unhappy or negative." We learned it wasn't acceptable to feel a certain way, so we pushed the feelings down. It is time to reteach ourselves how to deal with difficult emotions.

3. LEARN HOW TO BE WITH IT.

Try to notice your shadow…the parts that you have labeled as bad, unattractive, or unloveable. Try to meet what is there without trying to change it or make it go away. Can you accept what is there?

For a good introductory resource, check out Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article).

The process of looking at our darkness is counterintuitive. The more we can meet and accept our pain, the faster we will move through it.

This week, I encourage you to look at your own shadow. What do you notice? If you are open to sharing, please comment below or post on Empowered Relationship's Facebook page. Let's share our humanness with one another.

MENTIONED:

• Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article)
• Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert (book)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"I'm a single mom of a 7 y.o. Boy? separated from dad 5 yrs..bf of 2 yrs is adoring, complimentary, caring….but drinks and only works 2 days a week. I work 35-38 hrs a wk. i am motivated, he is….not. I love him..he's a good person, although has been caught in multiple small lies….he wants US sooo bad and i KNOW he wants to be good and do right but seems to unknowingly play "victim of life". I broke up with him but feel like if i am looking for someone who honestly loves me. He's SOOOOO convincing that he does. My dad is ONLY person that i KNOW loves me bc he's proved that throughout my life by BEING there and taking action and bring true to his word…if he's serious about something he'll do it…if it NEEDS to be done, he'll do it..i only have that example to base love on and i would love to hear ur educated thoughts on if i'm being too critical..if my idea of love is…..biased."

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)

1. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

• He can love you fully, but it doesn't mean he wants the same things in relationship. And it doesn't mean he wants to be responsible in partnership.
• He may love you, and he may not be capable of real relationship.
• He may love you, and he may not be ready for real partnership.
• Being an adult in relationship takes a willingness to look at your own stuff, takes ownership, and requires being conscious about what you are creating.

2. VALUES & VISION

• What do you really want in relationship? What does he really want in relationship?
• What are your expectations and desires in relationship? What are his expectations and desires in relationship?
• What are your top values in life? What are his top values in life?
• Do you have a relationship vision? Does he have a relationship vision?

3. HONOR YOUR HEART

• What would you love in relationship?
• What really matters to you in relationship?
• How do you feel loved (i.e. 5 Love Languages)?

4. GET CURIOUS

• Can you gather more information?
• Without blame or shame, can he talk about what is going on for him? Can he tell you what is going on for him when he isn't honest with you or lies?
• It takes courage to hold a space of wondering, especially when you do not know if you are going to like the answers you will get.
• However, you ultimately want to work with what is real, as this will allow you to make progress in the cultivating a loving, lasting relationship.

5. START SMALL

• Get clear and explicit about your agreements.
• Are you both contributing to the creation of the agreement? If your partner does not buy into the agreement, it can feel like a demand.
• Make the agreement doable. Start small.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast episode)
• The 5 Love Languages (book)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible?

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER

Please listen to the episode to hear the whole coaching session.

MAIN POINTS

1. You can't change your partner.

2. You CAN work with your partner, if they are willing.

3. By having a different conversation (exploring a new way of dealing with conflict), you will gather more information (i.e. Is your partner interested, are they able, are they willing).

4. Don't make agreements that you cannot keep, even if it means disappointing your partner.

5. Develop a new system for dealing with upset (i.e. how do we approach each other, how we deal with pain, upset, and disappointment). How do we both get our needs met when there is a conflict?

Developing a new dynamic together takes time and support. There are a lot of reasons why we gravitate towards certain tendencies and patterns. This is where relationship coaching can be really effective.

MENTIONED:

• How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship & Why
• What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship?

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Before listening to this episode, check out ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part One.

"Up to 98 percent of American adults report feeling some form of stress on a regular basis." writes Laura Newcomer in "Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship?"

In part one to the podcast topic, I layout for you:

• What is stress?
• Damage of stress.
• Stress inventory.
• Stress curve.
• Signs and symptoms of stress.
• I also give you the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship.

6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS)

See part one for a description on the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. Be sure and listen to the podcast episode for stories, examples, and more suggestions.

2. HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND

3. LEARN TO RESET & REFUEL (INDIVIDUALLY & AS A COUPLE)

• Olympic athletes have to actively manage their stress levels, so that they can be in their peak performance zone.
• You want to know what works for you.
• Exercise.
• Social support.
• Deep breathing.
• Mindfulness mediation.
• Rest & sleep.

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." – John Lubbock

• Nature.
• Getting creative.
• Listening to music.
• Positive or balanced thinking.
• Quiet time.
• Journal.

"The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities). No matter how well you function in everyday life, all the skills in the world may go to hell in a hand-basket when stressed out." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D

4. HAVE A STRESS PROTOCOL

• Be on the same team.
• Develop a plan for when life gets stressful.
• Scale back, say no, take on less, do less. Keep things simple.
• Give yourself space to reevaluate and renegotiate.
• List ideas for each area in your stress protocol:
• Emotionally: Example: "It seems like you might be under a lot of stress. What can I do that will help you feel that I got your back?
• Physically: Example: "I need a little more sleep." "I know you like a little more quiet time."
• Mentally: Offer help reframing and keeping things perspective. Example: "Can I help point out things you may be overlooking about the situation? Can I remind you of some of your strengths here?"
• Relationally: Example: "I know we are both stressed. Can we talk about our expectations for this coming week?"

5. ENCOURAGE HEALTH

• Have your partner's back.
• Try to support your partner way of dealing with stress (even if it is different from your way of dealing with stress).
• Use your stress protocol to bring your stress levels down and initiate de-stress strategies with your partner.
• Offer care, support, and understanding to yourself and your partner.

6. PRIORITIZE YOUR CONNECTION

• Prioritize time with partner.
• Find ways to rejuvenate and nurture each other (however small).
• Trade foot massages or neck massages.
• Go for a nice walk together.
• Go soak in a hot tub together.
• Laugh together.
• Play together.
• Be creative. Do something different.
• Think about the long-term result. What is the long-term cost of not connecting in a years time? What is the long-term benefit of connecting in a years time?

"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." ~ Sydney J. Harris

MENTIONED:

• Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D
• Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale
• Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here's How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer
• Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship Part II

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

SHARE THIS:

WHAT IS STRESS?

Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster: Stress is "a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation" and "tend to alter an existent equilibrium."

DAMAGE OF STRESS

Stress is a common part of our lives, yet it is easy for us to undermine its impact on our well-being and our relationships. In fact, many of us become numb to the symptoms and warning signs of stress.

However, when we ignore our symptoms and signs of stress, we remove our opportunity to reduce stress effectively. Furthermore, stress has a tendency to produce more stress. Have you ever been around someone who is extremely stressed? Stress almost feels contiguous.

When partners are both negatively affected by stress, it can have a serious impact on the relationship. Stressed out couples argue more, turn away from each other more, feel more disconnected, frustrated, and angry with one another. Couples experiencing stress also find it difficult to relax and enjoy each other, as well as seeing each other in a positive light.

LONG-TERM STRESS

If stress is unchecked, couples may end up dealing with bigger problems down the road. There are many consequences to the long-term experience of disconnection, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, conflict, and negativity (i.e. depression, anxiety, divorce).

"Relationships exposed to high stress for a long amount of time are bound to falter, no matter how well each individual's relationship skills. During such times, we are more likely to see the relationship as being negative, not realizing the impact the stress is having in the validity of our evaluation — it colors our perception of the relationship itself. Remove the stress, and people's positive relationship skills can once again — and usually do — take over." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D

STRESS INVENTORY:

Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale

STRESS CURVE:

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF STRESS:

Emotionally:

• Apprehension or feeling anxious
• More irritable or getting upset more easily
• Social withdrawal and/or loneliness
• Restless and worrying
• Anger and/or sadness (smiling and laughing less)
• Feeling insecure or more fearful
• Dissatisfaction

Physically:

• Fatigue and lack of energy
• Muscle tension and unable to relax
• Shortened or shallow breathing
• Headache & dizziness
• Stomach ache
• Sleep problems
• Weight gain or loss
• Low sexual desire
• Increase in substance use (i.e. sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc.)

Mentally:

• Inability to concentrate or focus (i.e. more preoccupied)
• Confusion
• Forgetful and/or daydreaming
• Decrease in productivity, creativity, and/or curiosity
• Burnout
• Negative thinking
• Guilt

"When under increased stress, we feel perceived slights, for instance, by our significant other more acutely." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

"One study that followed 80 couples over four years found that those who experienced more stress outside of their relationship reported feeling less comfortable and less close with their partner. They also felt less sure of the relationship than folks who experienced less stress." by Laura Newcomer

Relationally:

• Shorter fuse, less patience,
• Focus on pain and negativity
• More likely to have a stronger reaction
• Not available for connection
• Kill libido
• Communication does downhill
• Lack of listening
• More judgement and tendency to blame
• Feel attraction towards other people:

"Research shows we're more likely to feel attracted to other people when feeling taxed. Anxiety can make us fantasize about being with a different partner and pay less positive attention to the one we already have." by Laura Newcomer

In the field of psychology, it is a common understanding that people tend to regress when under stress. People's level of functioning and skilfulness is lowered.

"Ability alone, as the researchers note, does not ensure that you'll be able to respond appropriately in your relationship. In may be necessary but not sufficient to have good relationship skills, because you may not be able to draw upon those skills when under increased stress. The researchers also found that a person's relationship abilities — like relationships themselves — wax and wane over time. They are not these static skills that exist in some vacuum. In times of stress, this research suggests that we can't always call upon our positive relationship or communication skills — the stress can overwhelm us and our abilities." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS)

• How do you typically respond to stress in your life? Can you look back on past stress in your life and notice patterns or common stress symptoms?
• How do you know when you are stressed? What are your cues (i.e. eye twitches, neck and shoulder tension, more accident prone, smile less, laugh less, more preoccupied, more perfectionist, etc.)?
• Ask your partner, "what do know about me when I am stressed?"
• How do you know when your partner is stressed? What are your partner's stress cues and signs?
• What happens in your relationship when one or both of you are stressed (i.e. fight more, have less sex, less connection, etc.)?
• Use the list of signs and symptoms of stress (see above) as a resource list to identify your stress cues.
• Take the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale to get your stress score to identify your level of stress.
• Identify the source stress: Take time to explore the sources of stress in your life.

2. HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND

• Acceptance. Don't fight what is happening. Sure, you may not enjoy or prefer the stressful circumstance. However, struggling with the reality tends to create more suffering.
• Recognize the stress as the issue, not your partner. Neither one of you are to blame.
• Everyone deals with stress differently (i.e. zone out, cry, sleep more).
• Being stressed is NOT character flaw!
• Compassion. You and your partner are doing the best that you can.
• Flexibility. Remember the stressful situation is temporary, and/or try to get perspective that your life is more than this stressful experience.
• Forgiveness. Can you give your partner the benefit of the doubt? If you recognize an issue or concern (that you cannot overlook), make a point to address it. Otherwise, can you offer some grace and slack to your partner?
• Gather resources. Ask family or friends to help out. Do a trade with someone to get support. Hire some extra help.

Stay tuned for the next 4 Ways To Combat Stress In Your Relationship in the next podcast episode.

MENTIONED:

• Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D
• Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale
• Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here's How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer
• Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"I feel like I have a huge problem with my assertiveness. I am recently married and my wife and I are great together but sometimes our communication falls a little short.

I would describe her as being very assertive, not scared to speak her mind or ask for what she wants, which I admire. Me on the other hand I am passive, I keep a lot of my feelings and thoughts to myself, and have a hard time expressing how I feel.

I listened to two of your podcasts ERP 45 and 46 and a lot hit home for me. I don't want to be scared to rock the boat or be so overly concerned with how she is going to react if I tell her how I feel. But at the same time she isn't very inviting when I do express myself. It's like she can't understand that it is hard for me and that it takes a lot for me to actually say what I have to say.

So not only do I want to become more assertive but I want to be able to not need to be reassured. I don't want to feel like I need to be congratulated for speaking up, I want to do it because I know it's what I should do because it's not fair to her or myself when I keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. And I want to get out of the mindset of thinking it's weak to feel the way I feel. Because I start to resent her and it's not fair.

I recognize my weakness and know what I should do to correct the issue but it is hard to always do what I should. So I just need some tips to overcome the moments of weakness so that our relationship can be at its fullest potential."

MEN & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Generally speaking, being emotionally revealing goes against what feels natural and comfortable to a man. Typically, guys have a lot of programming to not be emotionally vulnerable. Many men have learned from a very early age to not express their sensitive emotion, like sadness and fear. Also, a man's brain structure is designed to accomplish, excel, and get ahead, which doesn't always prioritize emotional sharing and bonding. Men typically bond through being physical. Whereas, women bond more through emotional intimacy, sharing, and empathy.

Communicating your thoughts and feelings may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, as if you are learning a new skill. In fact, you are learning a new skill – how to communicate your emotions more openly and honestly. In order to support your learning process, be kind, easy, and gentle with yourself.

A man's personal and emotional development is very different from a woman's, as our biological makeup and social experiences are very different.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

Jay writes "I have been listening to your podcasts for the past couple weeks and it has helped me tremendously in opening up my mind to different views in my relationship and how I can communicate better with my partner.

Currently we are going to couples therapy and we are each seeing our own therapist as well. This is the first month seeing my therapist and my fiancé and I have only gone to 2 sessions together so far. In these sessions I have learned a lot about my poor communication skills (I hold onto my feelings and don't express them) and learn more about myself and the relationship but I don't feel like it's enough. I am still not able to talk with my partner openly about my feelings and through therapy I've discovered that I am scared of confrontation. I avoid it at all costs and it's hurting my relationship tremendously.

Normally it's not till after my fiancé confronts me about my behavior do I realize my poor actions and apologize, but lately I have been able to recognize my behavior and confront her shortly after our argument to resolve the issue.

The second and bigger problem is that my bad behavior is becoming repetitive and it's getting hard for me to express myself to her after we have a 2-4 hour argument. I shut down, and start tuning her out because it's the same arguments and the same things are being said.

Our therapists have said that this process takes time and requires patience. I understand that change requires time, but her impatience with me and long drawn out explanations are exhausting her and me, both mentally and physically.

The worst part is if our argument happens early in the day it ruins her entire day and she can't focus on anything but the argument. We talk about it several times through the day ( because she feels I don't understand her) and it keeps being brought up and aggravates me. I acknowledge her feelings and apologize and inform her what I will do differently next time. She also brings it up one more time right before bed, literally as we are falling asleep. This is aggravating to me because I wake up at 4am to go to work, and I need about 6 hrs of sleep minimum.

I don't know how to ask for more time and patience from her and still show her that I'm improving everyday. I need to materialize my thoughts into actions and most of all I need her to also understand that change takes time and doesn't happen overnight and to let go of all the anger she is building inside. Is there an activity you recommend? Or maybe one of your episodes touch on this subject? Thank you for all your support!"

1. HOLD A NEW PARADIGM:

• Be easy with yourself. Watch the negative self-talk.
• Develop a positive and encouraging inner coach.
• Be patience with your learning process. It takes time to develop new habits. Notice and adjust…over and over again. You will get better at it.
• Get to know your preferred way of open up and sharing. What works best for you (i.e. going for a walk and talking, taking some time to reflect, etc.)?

2. TELL HER WHAT IS REAL:

• Examples:
• If you are overwhelmed, tell her, "I am overwhelmed."
• If you are scared, tell her "I am scared of disappointing you." Or tell her, "I am scared of doing it wrong."
• If conflict is uncomfortable for you, tell her "Conflict is uncomfortable for me. In the past, my strategy has been to avoid."
• If you are learning, tell her "I want to learn how to share with you, in a way that works for both of us."

3. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED:

• Examples:
• "I am working to gain comfortability with sharing my thoughts and feelings, and I need to go a little slower."
• "I don't always know what I am thinking or feeling in the moment. I need a day to reflect and get clear. Then, I will be ready to share more openly with you."
• "Conflict has been uncomfortable for me in the past, and I am working on feeling more comfortable with conflict. It would help me if we could talk a little more calmly."
• "When I get overwhelmed, I am worried you want me to be different, or I am not good enough. It would help me to know you believe I am good man and that you value me."

4. WORK ON BUILDING SAFETY & TRUST:

• What do you need to feel to feel emotionally safe and that your partner has your back?
• What does your partner need to feel safe and emotionally supported?
• Learn about your and your partner's attachment strategy. If you partner feels anxious when there is discord, she may have a bit of an anxious attachment style. Typically, when someone has an anxious attachment style, they are worried about being left, rejected, or abandoned. Can she tell you what she is needing to hear? If you are able to help her, you may try reassuring her that you love her and want to share with her. Let her know you are committed to working on things.
• Learn about your gender differences and learn how to see the value within each experience.

MENTIONED:

• Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast episode)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 073: As a Man, How Do I Open Up More In My Relationship.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"My wife and I have been struggling with our 19 year marriage. A year ago we started couples counseling and didn't have much success. We both did a little individual therapy and tried again with EFT couples counseling. The therapist told my wife she really needs to do more work individually to find out what is blocking her. From day one of couples counseling she stated that she no longer has feelings for me and she doesn't know how or if they will come back. I take that to mean romantic sexual feelings. We have not been intimate for 4 years now. She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down. My question is, what can I do to help her see me differently and help those feelings come back? Is there anything I can do?"

Interested in learning the 7 main reasons why relationships fail (and how to save yours)? Click on this "Instant Access" button to get your free e-book. Instant Access

Be sure and listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, stories, and tips.

BE OPEN TO EXPLORING

• Does your wife want to revisit her original struggles or has she left the relationship?
• If she has left the relationship, I would have an honest conversation with her about what she wants moving forward. This does not mean you are going to agree with her or that you will move into action right away. But it does invite a real and honest dialogue. You cannot change her out of her experience. She may feel your respect and feel more open to you, despite the topic of conversation.
• If she is ambivalent about the relationship, is she willing to revisit some of her previous issues? Have you held a safe space for her to really share openly? Have you taken her perspective, understood her experience, and validated her experience?
• What has been missing within your relationship? What was happening before the issues first started coming up? How did you deal with it then?
• Is there someone else she is attracted to? If so, what is she getting from the interaction or relationship (i.e, attention, excitement, emotional validation, positivity, praise, love, etc.)?

GET CONSISTENT SUPPORT

• It sounds like you and your wife have gotten support. For your description, it is difficult for me to tell if you felt that these professionals were a good fit. You will want to make sure both you and your wife feel comfortable and emotionally safe to reveal more fully.
• Disclosing openly and fully takes time, as you and your wife will need to feel trust within your professional as well as trust and belief in the process.
• Additionally, when you are working through 19 years of patterns and dynamics that have resulted in disconnection, it can take even more time to work through layers of protection, defense, shut down, and avoidance. Avoidance is a strategy to deal with emotional threat and pain. While avoiding provides short-term relief, it does not help shift dynamics or bring connection. Counseling, therapy, and/or coaching asks partners to go against these avoiding strategies and confront their pain and difficulties.
• If partners are ambivalent, they may not believe there is hope and may not want to tolerate the pain to try to do the emotional and interpersonal work.
• I would recommend investing and committing to a therapeutic process with consistent willingness for at least 6 months.

BE REALLY PRESENT

• Try to focus on the moment rather than getting sucked into old patterns that have kept you stuck in the past.
• Try to be available for a different experience with your wife.
• See her with new eyes.
• Relate to her from your most sincere and genuine place. With Respect. With Altruistic Love.
• Be available for contact. Eye contact. Physical contact.

FIND JOY & PASSION

• Have you lost your sense of play and joy? What brings you excitement and pleasure? If you do know, pay attention to what peaks your interest. What books, articles, or website do you gravitate towards?
• Can you allow yourself to fill your cup and participate in enjoyable activities. Can you invite her along?
• Is she open to doing something fun together?
• Can you share your positivity with her?
• Can you do something new and different together? Or can you learn something together? You guys could take my 12 week couples program, which is full of powerful curriculum, tools, and exercises.

MENTIONED:

• Free Ebook "7 Reasons Why Relationships Fail (and how to save yours) Instant Access

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 072: What Happens When You Hear "I am not in love with you anymore"?

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.