Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

GUEST:

Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books.

After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity.

Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe.

Be sure and listen to ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship – With Sarina Stone, as this episode lays the foundation for this conversation about healthy sexuality. She talks about her orientation and philosophy, which will give you more context and understanding of her perspective on sex and sexual intimacy.

HEALTHY SEX & SEXUALITY

In this podcast episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the importance of our beliefs about sex and sexuality, and how it affect our individual health as well as the quality of our intimate relationships.

With her training in the Universal Healing Tao System, she describes the process of cultivation, cleaning, circulation, and utilization of reproductive energy. She notes that our bodies are always making energy to produce sperm, eggs, and hormones, and she explains this energy can be used for health and longevity.

Now days, people are often distracted, preoccupied, and disconnected from their inner world. They have no idea what they are feeling and thinking at any given moment. Additionally, most people are not present to the patterns they are perpetuating on a continual basis.

LOVE IS NUMBER ONE

When it comes to sex and sexual intimacy, most people are bombarded with messages about lust and eroticism. Or they have adopted cultural norms of causal sex and one night stands. There is nothing wrong with one night stands and erotic sex. Yet, when we talk about long-term, lasting intimacy with another human being, we need to attend to one essential matter and that it LOVE. For Healthy sexuality, Sarina reminds us that Love is number one.

"If there is a true loving connection between partners, then there is always an element of pleasure and connection." ~ Sarina Stone

INDIVIDUAL CULTIVATION

Sarina describes the importance of individual cultivation, which is cleaning out your negative belief patterns and emotional residue, so that your internal system in flowing smoothly and freely. She also discusses the importance of having a loving connection to yourself first, so that you can then enter into a deeper, more loving, intimate connection with your partner.

As you develop yourself, you expand your capacity to connect with your partner. Sarina explains that every level you attain on the path of self-development, your sex is going to get better.

"We will never live into the deepest connection or deepest pleasure we are capable of until we make love, trust, and connection our primary goals" ~ Sarina Stone

Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips.

MENTIONED:

• Sarina Stone's website (website)
• Women's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website)
• Men's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health And Relationship

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

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GUEST: SARINA STONE

Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books.

After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity.

Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe.

OUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS DIRECTLY IMPACT OUR PHYSICAL HEALTH.

Many of us, (myself included) go through life feeling preoccupied, distracted, and overwhelmed. It is easy to overlook our inner world (i.e. what we are thinking, what we believe, what we feel, and what we sense in our body), and how it affects our overall well-being. It is easy to loose touch with ourselves.

In this episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the important relationship between our thinking and emotional patterns with our physical health and relationship health.

Sarina uses quantum physics, psychology, Taoism, and Medical Chi Kung to describe this direct relationship between the mind and the body.

She defines:

Taoism – as the way of nature (the philosophy of handling any situation in a natural way).

Medical Chi Kung – as scientific energy work.

OUR PERSONAL HEALTH DIRECTLY IMPACTS THE QUALITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS.

In Sarina's work, she encourages people to work on themselves. She claims that as people clear out harmful thinking and emotional patterns their health and relationships dramatically improve.

"In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, one must be in a healthy relationship with themselves." ~ Sarina Stone

At the end of the episode, Sarina leads us in a short exercise to learn how to bring more emotional balance to our personal experience.

Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips.

MENTIONED:

• Sarina Stone's website (website)
• Sarina Stone's Inner Smile Practice (web page)
• Sarina Stone's personal story on Life Changing Stories (podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship With Sarina Stone

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

..

Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation, by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a piece (article, video, qoute) that I like, I post it to my social media channels and then I move on. However, Scott's points stuck with me.

I remember thinking to myself, "why am I continuing to think about this video so much?" It was a wonderful talk, but it didn't strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began to see how important his points are to relationships and couples.

Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel self-motivated to create the relationships we desire?

WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

In Scott Geller's talk, he poses three questions to help determine your level of motivation, which are based on research findings

3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL 1. CAN YOU DO IT? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT?

• Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop the type of relationship you desire?
• When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this self-efficacy.
• Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks like.
• People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a ton of expectations.
• For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into strengthening their relationship.

2. WILL IT WORK? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PROCESS WILL WORK?

• Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you achieve your relationship goals?
• Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding of how the process might work. This often happens through education, research, theory, demonstration, and training.
• Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or couples therapy is for people who really have "problems." Or they see it as a last resort.
• Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate a lasting, intimate relationship successfully.
• The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness, willingness, and practice.
• This is why I created the Empowered Relationship Couples Program, so that you have all the information, tools, and resources you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship success.
• Relationship Coaching is another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid foundation for your relationship.

3. IS IT WORTH IT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE ULTIMATE OUTCOME?

• Is the end result worth it?
• Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e. to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship).

If you answered "yes" to these three questions, you feel more competent and more self-motivated.

CHOICE:

When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are doing you feel more self-motivated.

Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here are a few examples:

• Going to class to not fail (rather to learn).
• Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to safety on the road).
• Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat (rather that to feel nourished and healthy).

The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not you will feel self-motivated. "It is how you communicate with others and how you communicate to yourself." says Scott Geller.

"Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a success seeker rather than a failure avoider." ~ Scott Geller

COMMUNITY:

People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier.

• Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about their relationship dynamics with others.
• People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they feel bad about their relationship challenges.
• Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.
• In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and friend's are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple's union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate relationship is off limits and too personal.

How do we build a sense of community? How do we support each other and lift each other up? I want to hear from you. Please comment below.

"We can always learn from each other. We need to have the humility to accept feedback, and the courage to speak up. We need to help each other feel (competent and) self motivated." By Scott Geller

MENTIONED:

• The Psychology of Self-Motivation, By Scott Geller (TEDx video)
• What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)
• My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast episode)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 069: Have You Lost Motivation In Your Relationship?

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength).

In episode 32, Dr. Kathryn Foster talked with us about the biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship.

All of these differences influence the way men and women seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy.

In this episode, Dr. Kathryn Foster continues the dialogue by describing the differences between men and women's brain structure. She states women are largely motivated by empathy and are wired to discern emotion in others. Whereas men are largely motivated by valuing systems and hierarchy and are wired to actively build strategies and systems.

When men and women enter into a conversation their approach and desires are often very different. She claims it is important for us to understand these differences, so that we can learn to understand and love each other more fully.

Kathryn offers us some helpful direction in how to communicate more effectively with one another. She gives us specific tips and suggestions on how to work with and manage our brains, so that we can become better partners and cultivate more connection in our relationships.

"The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action." ~ D. H. Lawrence

These are podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

MENTIONED:

• ERP 032: The Naked Truth About Men And Women In Romance – With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast episode)
• Dr. Kathryn Foster (website)
• Books By Kathryn Foster, PhD (website)
• The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) (Amazon book link)
• What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men (Amazon book link)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 068: What Women Really Want… Really! With Dr. Kahtryn Foster

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHY DO WE BLAME THE PEOPLE WE LOVE?

Most of the time, we are not trying to be mean or hurtful when we blame our partners. Underneath the blame are usually feelings of pain, discomfort, or insecurity, and we don't know how to deal with it.

Here are two reasons why we blame in relationship:

1. It is self-protection. We want to protect our image, and we try to control how people view us. "It's not my fault. It's your fault." We want to look good, appear smart, and competent (or whatever attribute we value…kind, loving, thoughtful, etc.).

2. It is deflecting or discharging negative feelings. We don't know how to face our discomfort and painful feelings, so we put it off on others. When something bad happens, we want to assign blame.

NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BLAME:

• Separates couples and leads to disconnection.
• Lowers relationship satisfaction.
• Reduces intimacy.
• Lowers self-esteem.
• Increases the victim role and powerlessness.
• Increases resentment and bitterness.

HOW TO AVOID BLAMING IN RELATIONSHIP:

1. Let go of being the victim:

Being in the victim role can be a difficult habit to break. It can almost feel as compelling as an addiction. It is so hard to stop the pattern.

Initially, blame seems like a good strategy as it alleviates bad feelings. "If it is not my fault, then I am off the hook." However, we give away our power in the situation. If we are not responsible, we do not have the ability to create positive change.

"When you blame others, you give up your power to change." Robert Anthony

2. Take healthy responsibility

One of the quickest ways to get out of blame is to take 100% responsibility for your experience. This is not taking responsibility for the relationship or for your partner. By taking 100% responsibility for your experience, you create the space for your partner take 100% responsibility for their experience.

3. Face the discomfort:

Taking responsibility for your experience can feel like a vulnerable process. Because you are getting real and honest. You are getting in touch with what is most true.

You may feel hurt or sad. Acknowledging your feelings, fears, and worries can be uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. Here are some examples:

• "I feel embarrassed."
• "I am scared I don't matter."
• "I feel hurt. I am worried you don't care about me."
• "I feel bad. I don't feel good enough."
• "I am afraid of getting it wrong."
• "I feel so much pain when I think about letting you down."

4. Focus on the positive:

By focusing on your partner's shortcomings, you may be overlooking or missing what they DO bring to you and the relationship.

Speaking negatively about your partner pushes them away, where as speaking positively about your partner draws them closers.

Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, tips, and stories.

MENTIONED:

• PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION. REGISTER HERE.
• Brené Brown on Blame (video)
• ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast)
• Arielle Ford (website)
• "A Story For Valentine's Day" (link to Chicken Soup For The Soul stories)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 067: Why Blaming Is A Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest about blame in romantic relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

SHARE THIS:

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT*, is an evolutionary catalyst and contextual disruptor. She has been a pioneer in the field of body intelligence and conscious loving for over forty years. Katie has an international reputation as a seminar leader, training professionals from many fields in the core skills of conscious living: authenticity, response-ability and appreciation. She is the co-author of twelve books, including the best-selling Conscious Loving, At The Speed of Life and the new Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationship at Midlife and Beyond. Katie has been a successful entrepreneur for over forty years and has developed a unique coaching and leadership program that has trained hundreds of coaches in the U.S. and Europe. She co-founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle and the virtual Body Intelligence Summit, which will move into its third year in 2016. She has appeared on over 500 radio and television programs and traveled well over one million air miles as the ambassador for the work that she and her husband Gay Hendricks have developed. * Kathlyn earned a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and has been a Board Certified-Dance/Movement Therapist of the American Dance Therapy Association since 1975.

In this episode, Kathlyn Hendricks talks with us about how criticism and blame get in the way of true intimacy in relationship. She offers perspective on the damaging cycle of criticism between partners. She gives us some important keys into shifting out of criticism. She also provides some valuable tips about how to create change in your relationship even if your partner is not on the same page. Katie helps us look at what is possible when you end criticism and blame in your relationship.

KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER:

• Blame and criticism are the number one relationship killers, as they are the reason why most people leave their close relationships.
• Criticism creates a sense of shrinking away and distancing response in the person being criticized. Criticism erodes at the positive bond and connection in relationship.
• Criticism almost always comes from a fearful place: the experience of "I am scared of something, and I look over and I think it is you that is making me scared."
• Criticism creates a fear and adrenal cycle that keeps partner's hooked in a negative loop and prevent them from creating intimacy.
• The only thing to do with criticism is to stop it, by making a commitment to end criticism and blame.
• It is important to see criticism as a defensive move and look at the underlying experience.
• By committing to stop criticism and blame, partner's make room for genuine appreciation, support, and giving and receiving quality attention.
• In each moment, we have a choice in relationship, to either expand in learning and authenticity or close up in protection. We can't do both.

Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more valuable tips, as well as how to specifically move out of a critical stance.

MENTIONED:

• Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book)
• Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book)
• Conscious Loving 5 video series, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (videos on website)
• Foundation For Conscious Living (website)
• Hendricks (website)
• Hendrick's Trainings (website)
• Hearts In Harmony (Facebook page)

PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 066: How To Move Out Of Criticism Into Love & Appreciation

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest about criticism in romantic relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

5 WAYS COMPLAINING IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Here are 5 Questions to help you identify if complaining is having a negative impact on your relationship:

Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

1. IS COMPLAINING HELPFUL?

• Complaining is often seen as synonymous with venting.
• When we don't know how to create change, it is easy to want to complain as a way of getting rid of the frustration.
• Complaining can feel helpful in the short-term, but not in the long-term?
• Is anything really different after complaining? are there any new outcomes?
• "The problem is that today we associate the act of complaining with venting far more than we do with problem solving." By Guy Winch Ph.D.

2. IS COMPLAINING A HABIT?

• Complaining can be a learned experience from family and culture.
• Some people relate and bond through complaining.
• "Every time you complain, you are reinforcing that wiring and making it easier to trigger it. Do it often enough and it can become your default setting. Negative thoughts beget more negative thoughts and you can easily fall into a cycle of negative thinking and chronic complaining." By Sharmini Gana
• If you are being really honest with yourself, how many things do you complain about on a regular basis?
• Weather
• Traffic
• Work
• Your boss
• A co-worker
• Your kids
• Your spouse
• Money
• Taxes
• Restaurant
• Stressed
• Lack of time
• Busy
• Politics
• Health

3. DO YOU AVOID THE SOURCE OF THE COMPLIANT?

• Often, we are uncomfortable with conflict and confronting an issue with another person. We avoid going direct (i.e. filling out a survey or filing a complaint).
• Often, we complain to everyone expect the person that needs to hear it.
• "We are equally avoidant when it comes to complaints to our loved ones. We fear voicing them will only lead to an argument and resolve nothing. Instead, we reach for the phone, call our friends and vent to them instead." By Guy Winch Ph.D.

4. DOES COMPLAINING LEAD TO FEELING HELPLESS?

• When we feel helpless, it can be very hard to take action (i.e. learned helplessness – fish example)
• When we complain, we are often not clear and direct about what we want.
• When we feel helpless, we limit our thinking.
• Chronic complaining affects our emotional, mental, and physical health.
• "When we have so many dissatisfactions and frustrations, yet believe we're powerless to do much about them or to get the results we want, we are left feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves. Obviously, one such incident won't harm our mental health, but we have so many complaints, this scenario happens many times a day. This accumulation of frustration and helplessness can add up over time and impact our mood, our self-esteem, and even our general mental health." By Guy Winch Ph.D.

5. HOW COMPLAINING AFFECTS OTHERS?

• When you complain, do people lean in, seem interested, and want to know more?
• Do people engage in your complaining or do they merely tolerate it?
• What qualities are you attracted to in others (i.e. positive, empowered, etc.)
• It can be easy to view someone who complains a lot with heavy emotions as a "victim" (due to the hopelessness and lack of responsibility).
• Complainers can also been seen as self-focused and not available for connection or relating (because they are preoccupied with their complaints).

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD:

Consider in joining this program:

HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION – REGISTER HERE. 1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

• Build awareness around your complaining. Track how often you complain and what about you complain about.
• Look at how you are participating in the thing you are complaining about. What is your role?
• Be honest & authentic.
• What are your feeling? Labeling the negative emotion reduces the intensity and impact of the emotion.
• What are you wanting?

2. TAKE ACTION

• Focus on getting a different result. Look for solutions.
• Where do you have power or control to create change?
• What you can do about it?
• "Think back to when you called a customer service hotline and were successful in resolving the matter, or when you voiced a complaint to your spouse and they responded with an apology and a promise to make better efforts in the future. Do you recall how pleased you were with yourself? How happy that made you in that moment? How empowered you felt?" By Guy Winch Ph.D.

3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

• Attend to your needs. All too often, we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tapped out.
• Give yourself permission to get your needs met (i.e. acknowledgment, down time).
• Know you are worthy and deserving.
• Believe in the possibility of positive results.
• "By addressing issues in our relationship that need attention and problem solving them together and cooperatively, we can actually strengthen our relationships and become even closer (especially if your partner learns to complain correctly as well)." By Guy Winch Ph.D.

4. GIVE YOUR COMPLAINING STRUCTURE

• Give yourself a boundary of 5 mins to vent or complain. Then, stop.
• Recognize and catch yourself when you get stuck complaining for an extended period of time.
• Be aware of the topics of conversation you bring up.
• When you have a complaint to address with someone, be intentional: Be clear, direct, specific, and positive in your language.

5. PRACTICE GRATITUDE

• Gratitude brings your attention and focus to positive aspects of your life that you might be overlooking.
• When we appreciate one another, it fosters a warmth and regard that supports a loving, open connection.
• In "A neuroscience researcher reveals 4 rituals that will make you happier," Eric Barker writes gratitude activates the dopamine region of the brain, boosts serotonin, and increasing emotional intelligence.
• "It's not finding gratitude that matters most; it's remembering to look in the first place. Remembering to be grateful is a form of emotional intelligence. With higher emotional intelligence, it simply takes less effort to be grateful." By Eric Barker

MENTION:

• Does Complaining Damage Our Mental Health? By Guy Winch (article)
• Why Complaining Is Literally Killing You Sick & Making You Sick By Sharmini Gana (article)
• A Neuroscience Researcher Reveals 4 rituals That Will Make You Happier By Eric Barker (article)
• Description Of Learned Helplessness (video)

PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 065: How Complaining Damages Your Relationship & What To Do About It

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In last weeks episode, How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part One, I discussed findings from several research studies that explore relationship dynamics between men and women when the female partner is more successful. I highly encourage you to check it out, so that you have a foundation for this weeks podcast episode.

Also, I provided the first two ways to strengthen your relationship when she is the breadwinner. You can check out this podcast episode here.

Here are the next 7 ways you can keep your relationship strong: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (7 OF 9):

3. Know what role money plays in your relationship.

• What is the importance of money to you?
• Cultural values and norms will often influence your perspective. What beliefs have you picked up on about money and relationship?
• Is making more money associated with being more important, having more power, being more valuable, having more status, etc.?
• What matters most to you in life? What are your top five values in life?

4. Know what you can provide.

• What can you provide that will be of significant value to your partner and relationship? Typically, men want to provide what matters most to their female partner. (Alison Armstrong)
• What do you enjoy doing?
• What do you care about?
• What are your strengths?

5. Hold value for your partner and your relationship.

• Do you really appreciate your partner and what they offer and contribute to the relationship?
• Do you hold the quality of your relationship as a high priority?
• What would it be like to see your partner as a teammate – seeing your relationship as a team? "We both have our place on the team and that we both feel important and that we both feel valued. And we both honor each other's contribution to the relationship " Dr. Sheri Meyers
• How can you value the "we" in your relationship.

"In marriage, when we honor and celebrate each other, we're freed up to be the best people we can be." -Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

6. Know how you impact your partner.

• How do you participate in a dynamic with your partner?
• If women are afraid of emasculating a man, then they will tiptoe… Creating the dynamic that he can't handle it or baby him. "The more I trust him, then the more I rely on him, and the more I appreciate and am grateful for everything that he does contribute, the more manly he feels." Dr. Sheri Meyers
• How do you feel loved? How do you need to be loved?
• How do you show your partner love and care (i.e. deep listening, appreciation, play, and gratitude)?

7. Allow space for the masculine and feminine.

• "Although the Breadwinning Woman may appear to be this super independent, made-of-iron, can-take-on-anything woman worthy of a cape, many of us can't wait to take off the iron costume we wear all day long and have someone care for us emotionally, physically, and sexually. Come close and I will tell you a little secret… shhh: We actually just want to be taken care of, we want to surrender, we want someone else to plan, decide, execute and control… at least some of the time. If you are a breadwinning woman, your husband better offer more than healthy competition for external accomplishments; he better offer some heart, some soul, and some you know what." Sandra Shpilberg

8. Nurture the relationship connection.

• Now more than ever before, we marry for love and connection rather than for status or financial reasons.
• Therefore, our sense of emotional connection and bond is essential in relationship.
• How can you cultivate warmth and closeness with your partner?
• How can you foster more security in your connection?

9. Focus on the relationship partnership.

• How well do you and your partner work together?
• Can you collaborate and rely on each other?
• Can you negotiate mutually beneficial arrangements?
• Can you learn from your experience together, so that you can improve your partnership dynamics?

When difficulties arise in your relationship, you can work through the challenges to become stronger and closer as a couple.

MENTION:

• Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner, David Bach (book)
• How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson (podcast)
• Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast)
• "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article)
• The Art of Love Series Relationship Series, 2014, "Bucking Traditional Roles in the name of love How to Navigate tensions when the woman is the breadwinner." With Alison Armstrong, Dr. Sheri Meyers, Evan Marc Katz, and Al Watts. (audio series)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 064: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part II.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Are men really attracted to successful women? Does a man feel threatened or emasculated when his female partner outperforms him? Is a marriage compromised when the woman is the breadwinner?

In the episode, I discuss findings from several research studies that address these questions. Please see links below to access articles and blogs (under "Mentioned").

Here are some main points:

• Men are attracted to female intelligence, and it is one of the strongest predictors of romantic interest. (Pincott, 2016)
• However, the challenge arises when men feel they are being outperformed. (Pincott, 2016)
• "Without realizing it, men reframe 'Wow, my partner is successful' as 'Wow, my partner is successful and I am unsuccessful.'" (Pincott, 2016)
• "The blow to the ego, however self-inflicted, appears to hurt how men see their relationship." (Pincott, 2016)
• The good news is that men can feel good, even when their female partner outperforms them, if they view the relationship itself as an emotional resource. (Pincott, 2016)
• Growing trend that women are the primary breadwinners in the home. (Rampell, 2013)
• "Couples in which the wife earns more report less satisfaction with their marriage and higher rates of divorce." (Shpilberg, 2013)
• Men 100% economically dependent on wives are most at risk for cheating, according to study, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. (Wallace, 2015)
• "'Most men don't have affairs,' says Marshall. 'But they stray when they are desperate, when they feel unheard, un-listened to. It is demeaning to say they need their ego stroked, but when you step off the primrose path – and by this I mean the usual path most go down – you need to do a lot of talking.'" (Cavendish, 2015)
• "If a man feels emasculated and as if he has lost his purpose in his life, he needs to ask himself some hard and difficult questions: 'who am I? What gives my life meaning?' The easy question is, 'do I fancy this other woman?' The simple answer to that is often, 'yes'." (Cavendish, 2015)

9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (2 OF 9)

Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

1. Know what kind of life you want to create with your significant other.

• In regards to division of labor, gender roles (i.e. traditional), societal expectations, quality of life (i.e. work/life balance.), personal desires and preferences.

2. Know what it means to you to be a man/know what it means to you to be a woman.

• What makes you feel like a woman/what makes you feel like a man?
• What is important to you and your identity as a man/woman?

Stay tuned for the next podcast episode where I offer you 7 more ways to strengthen your relationship when these tensions exist.

MENTIONED:

• "Acting A fool: Why is female intelligence a turnoff for some men, even those who profess otherwise" By Jena Pincott (Psychology Today: June 2016)
• "U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner" By Catherine Rampell (article)
• "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article)
• "Husbands of female breadwinners most at risk for cheating, says study" By Kelly Wallace (article)
• "The danger of being a breadwinning wife" By Lucy Cavendish (Article)
• How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps By Andrew Marshall (book)
• Sex and the city – Speed dating (video clip)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 063: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part I.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Can you simply have a friendship when you have romantic and/or sexual potential with someone?

Is it a good idea to stay friends with an ex-significant other?

Having a platonic friendship with someone with whom you have romantic potential, sexual attraction, or history with can be complicated for sure. However, it is not impossible.

4 KEYS TO DEVELOPING A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP (WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER):

Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

1. Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship.

• What is your intention for the friendship? What do you want to experience within the friendship?
• What is the purpose of the friendship?
• Sometimes, we maintain friendships for reasons we are not totally aware of, especially when we stay friends with an ex-significant other. For example, we want to feel needed, we want the attention, or we don't want to hurt the person's feelings.
• Here is an article on Psychology Today "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines.

2. Be sensitive to the quality of the friendship.

• How does your friend treat you?
• Ho do you treat your friend?
• Do you want the same things in relationship?
• What kind of relationship are you developing (i.e. do you have candle lit dinners together)?
• Is it a mismatch (i.e. do either one of you want more than just friendship)?

3. Be honest about what you are feeling and sensing.

• Are you being honest with yourself about what you are getting out of the friendship?
• Does your friendship fulfill a need of yours? If so, what is it?
• If you are in a committed relationship, do you include your partner in the friendship to some degree?
• Would you do and say the same things with your friend, if your partner were around?
• Are you hiding, withholding, or omitting aspects of your friendship from your significant other? (If you are avoiding conflict or feeling fearful of your partner's reaction, you may want to get support in how to create a safe, secure connection in your relationship, while maintaining what is authentic to you. This can be difficult to negotiate at times.)

4. Be clear about your boundaries.

• What are you comfortable with in a friendship?
• What are you okay with and what are you not okay with?
• Relating back to point #1 "Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship." Is your behavior in alignment with your intention and purpose?
• Are your boundaries getting blurred?
• Are you behaving in ways that you feel good about?

Developing a platonic friendship with someone you have potential or history with is complicated, but it is not impossible. It does require choosing a friend with similar friendship goals, as well as having some sensitivity, awareness, and ability to communicate your boundaries clearly.

MENTIONED:

• "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. (article)
• How Stay Friends With An Ex (Article)
• How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 062 Just Friends. Is It Really Possible.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.