Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books – The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships – counseling ADHD-affected couples, and teaching marriage professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov runs a very popular and effective 8-week phone seminar for couples, and blogs at www.adhdmarriage.com.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

Melissa Orlov talks with us about the impact of ADHD on marriage and romantic relationships. She describes the common signs and clues of ADHD and how it manifests within intimate relationships. She explains the predictable patterns that couples go through and where couples get stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

"ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation."

Melissa offers insight into her work of helping couples shift out of these negative patterns so that they can work together more effectively and positively. She also emphasizes the importance of managing the ADHD symptoms in a healthy way.

She shared three main points to her work:

1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD.

2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive.

3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner.

Melissa encourages people to view learning about an ADHD diagnosis as a good thing. She shares that between 70-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve the management of their ADHD symptoms with the right treatment.

• Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website)
• ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course)
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book)
• The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book)
• Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift)
• Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his five Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about our evolution and development. He incorporates several different disciplines to offer a rich and comprehensive approach to relationships, love, sexuality, and intimacy. He talks about pain, suffering, and trauma in life and relationship.

"Being responsible means at the point something happens we start working to make it better in a healthy way. We have this power…focused intent and action, in service of principle and driven by result is a super power." Dr. Keith Witt

• Dr. Keith Witt (website)
• Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in – How Integral Mindful Living Makes Everything Better (amazon link)
• Loving Completely (video series)
• The School Of Love (video series)
• Patricia Albere and Evolutionary Collective (website)
• James Masterson (wikipedia)
• Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your desire to learn more about higher consciousness in relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Jayson Gaddis – Chief relationship geek and host of the Smart Couple Podcast is the breakthrough marriage and relationship teacher for smart, successful, people. He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure drove him into a corner where he had no where to go but face his demons. From there Jayson was determined to overcome his blocks to intimacy and self-sabotage in relationship. He spent years in therapy and self-development programs until he slowly figured this relationship stuff out.

In this episode, Jayson talks with us about relationship pain and growth. He addresses three relationship types. If you and your partner have different relationship types, than this is probably causing some level of conflict and stress. This will especially be true if one of you has the growth and development type and your partner does not.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

1. Comfort and Security Type: Partners want to be safe. They don't want to grow.

2. Pleasure & Fun Type: Partners want to have fun. They don't want drama and challenge.

3. Growth & Development Type: Partners wants to grow and learn.

Jayson also talks with us about how to skillfully address your relationship desires with your partner so that you can be on the path towards relationship growth and fulfillment.

• Jayson Gaddis (website)
• Jayson Gaddis' Map (opt-in)
• Smart Couple Podcast (itunes)
• Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest growing and improving your relationship. I hope you are more in the know of what leads to a lasting marriage/relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Any time you make a choice, you say "yes" to something and "no" to something else. Even if you are not overtly saying "no", you are still choosing out of certain relationships and activities, while choosing in on others.

In relationship, you will experience times when your partner wants something different from what you want. What do you do? Whatever choice you make in that moment will probably have no drastic impact. However, if you repeatedly choose to please your partner, then the cumulative effect may pose some very difficult challenges for you down the line. Most notably, you will have lost yourself. Over time, you have essentially taken yourself out of the relationship. You have left your preferences and needs on the sidelines. You will probably feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and maybe even resentful.

`Saying "no" or stating an opposing view to your partner can be an extremely scary and uncomfortable thing to do, especially when you are not in the practice of doing it. It feels counterintuitive but the more you can be honest and authentic, the more you will be investing in the growth of your relationship (and you). How can you have a genuine and passionate relationship when you put your needs aside and take yourself out of the relationship?

Often times, the process looks messy and feels painful. However, if you can believe in the end result of a win-win, then you will be more motivated to deal with the discomfort. If you can learn to tolerate some initial discomfort, then you will be investing in your relationship and individual growth.

• Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey)
• The Invitation (poem)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning how to say "no" in relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

With the new year approaching, it is common to anticipate making changes with new ideas and goals. Some people set new years resolutions and other people focus on setting intentions. As the year comes to a close, it can be an excellent time to reflect on the past year and review. Did you make decisions to support your values and vision for your relationship and life?

If you pull out your calendar and look over the year, you will be able to see where you invested your time and energy. In a calendar year, we all have 365 days, and we have a choice in how we spend this time.

If you look at your checkbook for the past year or your credit card/bank yearly summary, you will be able to see where you spent your money. Money represents value. We trade money for things we want and find valuable.

Did you invest your time, energy, and money into the things that matter to you? Did you allocate resources to support your top values and vision?

If not, can you be non-judgmental and accepting with yourself? Can you see this information as a source of learning? Can you seize the opportunity to improve your alignment in relationships. The more your choices match your values and vision, the happier, healthier, and more successful you will be.

A client recently told me about a book titled "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing." He described the simple philosophy of only having possessions you love and having a place for everything in your home.

There are many approaches to decluttering and organizing your home. Some people believe your physical environment reflects your inner world. If your home is cluttered and chaotic, then so is your inner state. Other people believe the organization of your home creates flow, harmony, and intention into your life. Just like gardeners will weed around the plants the are growing, it can be helpful to get rid of the things in your physical space that no longer serve your values or support your vision.

Every day you are investing in your relationship with your thoughts and behaviors. Are you thinking and behaving kindly, positively, and lovingly? Or are you being critical, judgmental, and resentful? Even your emotions contribute to a positive or a negative cycle with your partner. The way you engage and relate is either supporting your relationship values and vision or breaking them down.

If you realize you are not participating in a positive cycle within your relationship, I want to encourage you to view this as an opportunity. There is probably a good reason why you are struggling to behave in ways that support your relationship goals. Some of the common reasons people have are unexpressed needs, unresolved concerns, and an inability to effectively and constructively deal with conflict.

I understand it can be an incredibly painful experience to be in a relationship that does not match what you ultimately want. However, there is hope. This is a workable situation if you take action to find alignment in your relationship. I recognize this is easier said than done. However, you have resources and help. If you would like my support in addressing these concerns, please contact me at [email protected].

• The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (book)
• Feng Shui (philosophy)
• Mary Morrissey (Coach)
• Jennifer Jimenez (Coach)
• Braveheart (movie)
• Clean Sweep (T.V show)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in how to create alignment in relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Last week I talked about How To Gain Self-Confidence In Relationship. I discussed the positive cycle between assertiveness and self-confidence. The more you can assert yourself the more self-confident you will be. Just as the more self-confident you are the more assertive you will be.

While we might agree with the concept of being assertive, many of us have no idea HOW to be assertive in a relationship. Here's a few reasons why:

1. We think assertiveness is synonymous with being aggressive or confrontational and we are afraid of being mean.

2. We are afraid to "rock the boat". Here is something to consider, the boat is already rocked. There is nothing you can do to hide it or make it go away. The goal here is to be honest and real about what is happening. This will allow you to bring your whole self fully to the relationship.

"Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don't try to become someone else's mirror. We don't try to suppress someone else's uniqueness. We don't try to pretend that we're perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there." ~ Randy Paterson

3. We are concerned about the loss of love, connection, or attention. Everyone fears rejection.

4. Being assertive feels too stressful which can activate your sympathetic nervous system response (i.e. fight, flight or freeze response).

5. We don't know how to be assertive. We don't have any good models to emulate. Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice to develop.

Check Your Beliefs

• Do you believe your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as your partner's (not more important, but equally important)?
• Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity?
• Do you think being assertive is critical to your overall well-being, happiness, and potential?
• Do you think you can get your needs met without sacrificing the needs of your partner?

Know You

• Know your limits and boundaries.
• Identify your emotions, desires, and preferences.
• Know what you want.

Take Action

• Confront people who violate your boundaries or rights.
• Ask for help.
• Learn to say no. Practice saying "no" for an hour or a day as an experiment to see how it feels.

Practice Respect

• Give yourself permission to not be perfect.
• Contribute to win-win conversations.
• Be honest and tactful with your loved ones.

Watch Your Habits

• Are you overly apologetic?
• Do you wait for someone else to recognize your needs?
• Do you feel responsible for your partner's needs?
• Do you strive to please people all the time?

• Start small.
• Be specific.
• Be clear and honest.
• Be respectful.

• Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast)
• The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, Randy Paterson (book)
• Challenge Day (website)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in how to be more assertive in your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

For years, I have been talking with clients about the important balance between assertiveness and consideration. Many times, people are too afraid to assert themselves because they have fear of seeming mean, domineering, or controlling. Yet, if you do not assert yourself at all, it is likely you will feel unhappy with your partner and within your relationship.

When coaching clients I will sometimes put assertiveness on a high-to-low scale. On one end, you have someone who is high in assertiveness and low in consideration for others. They may neglect to think about others and they may appear to be self-involved and self-centered. On the other end of the scale, you have someone who is low in assertiveness and high in consideration. They may be so considerate of others' needs that they do not advocate for themselves because they feel it is inappropriate to assert their needs. Or they may be so focused on others that they don't even know what they want. Both ends of the scale are out of balance. The goal is to be both assertive and considerate in relationship.

(These are my Empowered Relationship podcast notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

One of the tools that I sometimes use with couples is an assessment titled Prepare – Enrich. The test results help identify a couple's strengths and weaknesses so that the couple can work to improve and strengthen their relationship. The assessment is called Prepare – Enrich because it helps engaged couples prepare for marriage and helps married couples enrich their relationship.

Here are some interesting research findings from Prepare – Enrich:

Prepare – Enrich identifies four key relationship dynamics that affect the success of a couple:

1. Assertiveness – the ability to express one's feelings and ask for what one wants.

2. Self-Confidence – how good one feels about oneself and their ability to accomplish what they want in life.

3. Avoidance – the tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly.

4. Partner Dominance – how much one feels controlled or dominated by their partner.

A Positive Cycle Shows:

• Being assertive builds self-confidence.
• Being self-confident builds assertiveness.

A Negative Cycle Shows:

• Avoidance increases the feeling or experience of partner dominance.
• Feeling as though your partner is dominating and controling increases avoidance.

Those That Score High In Assertiveness:

• Score higher in self-confidence
• Tend to like the personality of their partner
• Feel good about their communication and conflict resolution skills
• Score lower in avoidance and partner dominance

Those That Score High In Avoidance:

• Score higher in partner dominance
• Tend to dislike the personality of their partner
• Are less satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution skills
• Score lower in self confidence and assertiveness

If you struggle with being assertive in relationship, then chances are you may struggle with self-confidence too. I encourage you to take one step towards practicing being assertive. This step could be something small like voicing your preference for dinner. Or you may want to spend some time thinking about what you would say if you were to advocate for your needs in relationship on bigger topics. I understand this is easier said than done, especially if you have had very little support or encouragement to articulate your needs. If you would like to support in becoming more assertive in relationship, please contact me. I would be happy to help.

• Prepare – Enrich
• If you are interested in taking the Prepare – Enrich test for your relationship, email me at [email protected].

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in how to gain self-confidence in your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Relationships sometimes fail or end. When they do, it's easy to doubt whether or not you are doomed to be unhappy in love. Recently, a listener submitted a question, "Is it possible to have a successful ...

Mali Apple and Joe Dunn are authors, coaches, lovers, and best friends. Their bestselling book, The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships has helped thousands of people around the world create relationships that are deeply connected emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. The sequel, The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy explores everything from connecting with your sexual energy to using sexual healing to transform challenges into heart-opening pleasure recently won the 2015 National Indie Excellence Award for Sexuality.

In this podcast episode, Mali and Joe talk about why we feel jealous, what you can do to work with it, and more importantly, how to transform it into connection and passion.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

Key Points from Mali & Joe's Interview:

• 95% of feelings of jealousy occur when there is NO risk going on in the relationship (i.e. a partner is having an affair).
• For jealousy in marriage, the feeling can range from a small impulse to very intense and overwhelming sensations.
• Self-exploration is important. Ask yourself, "Where are the jealous feelings coming from?" Look at past experiences of abandonment, relationship, and low self-esteem to help find your answers.
• It's easy to think: "You shouldn't be doing that because I make myself feel uncomfortable when you do that. Because of all the things I tell myself that it means."
• How to become the watcher of what you tell yourself when you start feeling jealousy come up.
• 'What lack do I feel inside myself and how can I address that? "
• How to see your partner as a sexy, attractive, and unique individual.
• We build trust through experiences with our partner, being able to talk openly and honestly.
• The importance of both inner security and relationship security (safe and strong connection).
• You are free to admire other attractive people. You can be yourself. Find a way to expand who you are within your own marriage or love relationship.
• There are foundational principles of acceptance in love relationships.
• Commitments that are self-oriented.
• There is never a guarantee in a marriage, love relationship, or in life.
• The paradox of connection and freedom.

• Mali & Joe's website The Soulmate Experience
• The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships
• The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy
• Mali & Joe's YouTube channel
• Turkey to New Years: 35 Day Challenge (Facebook event)
• Jessie's website: Jessie Rose Strength & Health
• Gay & Katie Hendricks

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear and jealousy in marriage/love relationships! I believe in your success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

Competition is wonderful in many ways. However, when we get stuck in habitual patterns of a competitive mindset, it can bring stress and strain to our lives and romantic relationships.

A competitive mindset assumes limited resources and opportunities, resulting in an "I have to get mine" attitude.

Being in a competitive mindset can lead to a survival mentality. You begin to think that in order to win, you have to beat others – survival of the fittest. This is also a fear based mindset. When fear sets in, we start to view the world differently.

From an evolutionary standpoint, humans are prone to having a negative basis. Having a negative basis helps us pay attention to negative and painful events so that we will learn and be more prepared to handle threats. In doing so, we may be able to better protect ourselves.

The downside to this negative basis is that it's easy to overlook our strengths, assets, resources, and opportunities because all of our attention is focused on the negative. When we focus on the negative, it is easy to become reactive and more fearful, responding to situations from a protective and competitive approach.

When we emphasize the negative, we miss the whole picture.

How do you begin to shift your mindset? The most personal and profound way that I know is through Gratitude. As we shift our attention to what we are grateful for, we will recognize more positivity for that we have been previously overlooking or ignoring. We will acknowledge more resources and opportunities in our partnership. We will begin to feel more relaxed and more regulated. We feel empowered and less threatened, and we start believing in a more generative outcome.

"Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom under encouragement." ~ Donald A. Laird

Start with your own inner universe.

• Can you think of an area in your love life where you are feeling constricted, competitive, or fearful?
• Notice how you feel.
• Now, shift your attention to something you are grateful for.
• Take a moment to stay with the gratitude.
• Do you notice a shift?

Cultivating an environment of appreciation often doesn't come naturally and easily. Many of us do not express appreciation to our partner because:

• We think it is childish.
• It feels awkward and unfamiliar.
• We assume we are stating the obvious.
• We forget.
• We think it is cliché.

When we share our appreciation in a romantic relationship, it has a powerful impact on others. Appreciation is the expression of gratitude.

5 to 1

John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher, offers a formula for happy relationships. He claims that for every negative expression in a relationship (a complaint, frown, put-down, expression of anger) there needs to be about five positive expressions (smiles, compliments, laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude) to counter balance the mindset.

Ideas to Express Gratitude in a Relationship:

• Ask your partner to share one thing they are grateful for and then give one appreciation to them.
• Get out some paper and pens. Set a timer for 3 mins. Ask your partner to try and come up with 100 things they are grateful for. Then, invite her/him to share one or as many they are comfortable with sharing.

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, by John Gottman (book)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving the quality of your romantic relationship! I believe in your success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please post one by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.