Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

On the episode, I mentioned a free gift for how to improve your relationship. Click on the button below to get my free Ebook.

SEND ME A FREE GUIDE

THIS PODCAST EPISODE IS A RESPONSE TO A QUESTION ASKED BY KEN, A LISTENER:

"If you struggle with what the "folks" go through, what chance do we have? You are the bastion of knowledge and I would presume you have the skills to handle situations as they arise."

Here's my answer:

1. HAVING SKILL DOESN'T TAKE AWAY THE DISCOMFORT.

• Having skill and expertise doesn't alleviate someone from having to go through the growth process in a romantic relationship.
• For example, a female OB/GYN physician has the skill, training, and expertise for delivering babies. However, if she gets pregnant, she is still going to have to go through the labor pain of giving birth just like any other mother.
• Being educated, trained, and experienced doesn't take away the pain of growth in a relationship.
• Growth in a relationship often provides certain rites of passage. We have to learn and accomplish certain tasks before we can move to the next stage of love and relationship growth.
• Developmental Stages In Relationship (article).
• Stages Of Intimacy On Life Is A Marathon, with Bruce Van Horn (podcast).

2. BELIEVE IN THE LONG-TERM RESULT.

• Know that there is good to be gained on the other side of the current relationship challenge.
• Believe in the opportunity for relationship growth – more closeness, connection, and intimacy.
• Also, believe in personal growth, which allows for greater strength, wisdom, and character.
• Having a relationship model to believe in is helpful. Many of us do not have a good model for how to improve a relationship, in that we do not want to model our relationship after examples we see in the media or within our communities.
• Having a relationship model provides the opportunity and awareness that there is something greater beyond any current relationship challenge or circumstance.
• You are more prone for relationship success if you want the long-term result more than the immediate relief of discomfort.

3. BELIEVE IN THE PROCESS. TRUST THE PROCESS.

• Often, what we resist persists.
• Trying to fight the challenge only causes more pain.
• We might have the impulse to doubt and give up, but if we trust the process, then we are much more willing to stay the course.

Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.-Alan Cohen

4. DECIDE

• Do you have enough evidence to know the old ways do not work?
• Commit to self. Not to partner.
• Practice. Over and over again.
• Commit to the path of learning how to improve your relationship.

3. DEAL WITH THE DISCOMFORT

• It is normal to feel uncomfortable.
• However, you can't avoid the discomfort. You can try to ignore it, but it will not go away. You can try to fight it, but it will not go away.
• Befriend the process. The more comfortable you can be with being uncomfortable, the more comfortable you will be.
• Deal with the unknown.
• Gather resources.

We are all on the path of growth in life and relationship.

MENTIONED:

• Podcast series in how to deal with difficult conversations with your significant other.
• Episode 24
• Episode 25
• Episode 26
• Episode 28
• Episode 29

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in how to improve your relationship! I believe in your success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching with me.

HOW TO KEEP THE SPARK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

Experts in sexual energy + long-lasting committed partnerships, Drs. Rob + Janelle Alex, Ph.D. are mentoring couples around the globe. They are best selling authors, speakers, and hosts of the Mission Date Night podcast. Being passionate about the secret intelligence of relationships, secret animal powers, and transcendent lovemaking, Rob and Janelle are obliterating long-standing relationships myths.

HOW TO RESPARK YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

• Keep the "mystery" going.
• Stay invested in your individual growth.
• Focus on the importance of nurturing your relationship.

MISSION DATE NIGHT OFFERS YOU A CHALLENGE TO:

• Work together.
• Be playful.
• Be creative.
• Learn together.
• Let go together.

THINGS TO DO TO KEEP THE SPARK IN A RELATIONSHIP:

• Emotional connection supports great sexual intimacy.
• An amazing sex life supports your emotional connection.
• Relationship is the greatest opportunity to grow.
• Sexuality has the opportunity to open you spirituality.

MENTIONED:

• Mission Date Night
• Mission Date Night Podcast
• Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil, by Jenny Wade, PhD.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in how to keep the spark in your relationship! I believe in your success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES PART II

These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

Over the last several weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She essentially asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts in communication as well?"

To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. The third podcast, I discussed How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.

Last week, I talked about How To Clear An Issue With Your Partner. I discussed examples of common marriage issues and the 7 important elements to successful communication- when you have an issue with your partner. I mentioned this exercise titled A Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication. Today, I am continuing the conversation of How To Clear An Issue With Your Partner.

1. DO YOUR INDIVIDUAL PREPARATION WORK.

• Get clear within yourself first. What is your concern or issue? How do you feel? What is your need or desire?
• Getting clear will be helpful to you when you communicate and it will be tremendously helpful to your partner as well.
• Being clear will help your communication be more effective and efficient. You will be able to allocate more time and energy to create a positive outcome.
• It is okay to want space to explore your feelings with your significant other. However, I would let "being listened to" be the goal for the first conversation. It may be too much to address the process of exploring how you feel AND then to try and resolve your concerns all in one sitting. This is especially true if your partner has a limited capacity to process with you (i.e. not their natural style of communication).
• Sometimes gender differences play a role in this aspect of communication. Men stereotypically have a difficult time with long process-oriented style of communication.
• If you are interested in taking some time to get clear before addressing an issue with your partner, here is a good reference tool.

2. SCHEDULE TIME TO MEET.

• Ask your spouse for some time to talk.
• Getting your partner's permission ahead of time will help set the conversation up for success. Your partner will be more engaged and willing to participate when there is an agreement rather than an imposition.
• Being on the same page with your agreement will help promote clear communication and reduces expectations, demands, overwhelm and disappointment.

3. IDENTIFY THE TERMS.

• What is your intention as a couple (i.e. clear communication, understanding)?
• What is your individual goal (i.e. perspective taking, learning, empathy)?
• What is your intention for self-accountability (i.e. try to have an open mind)?
• Create safety. At any point, you and your partner can stop the conversation. You can revisit the conversation when you are both ready to re-engage.
• Plan for an estimated amount of time (i.e. 30 min to 50 mins). You can always plan for another time.
• Choose one topic to address. Stay with the one topic. If more topics come up, take a note and schedule more time in the future.

4. MANAGE YOUR LEVEL OF DEFENSIVENESS.

• Recognize your window of opportunity.
• Strive to remain open, calm, and present.
• Be honest when you are starting to get triggered and defensive. Take a break or end the conversation if you need to.
• What helps you refocus if you start to get defensive? What is the long-term result that you desire with your partner (i.e. more connection, strength, resolution, and closeness)?

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

5. PRACTICE THE COMMUNICATION EXERCISE.

• See this article for the full exercise.
• Decide who will share first and who will listen first.

• Person sharing speaks from a self-referenced place. See examples in full exercise.

• Person listening seeks to really understand, not to agree or condone. See examples in full exercise.
• Person sharing describes experience, feelings, needs and/or desires.
• Person listening reflects back what they hear, stays curious, and checks out what they hear to make sure they are getting the right understanding.
• Listener asks questions until a deeper understanding and learning has been gained.
• When the person sharing feels heard and understood, then you can switch roles. You may need a second meeting to fully complete the process.

6. GAIN A NEW UNDERSTANDING.

• By taking time with this exercise, you and your partner will most likely gain more understanding and perspective about each other's experience.
• The goal is to resolve common marriage issues by having a new learning and understanding- by postponing your position to really get into your partner's worldview.
• Once you have established a new understanding, you will be prepared to engage in a new level of communication.
• When you and your partner truly feel heard, understood, and validated, you will most likely feel a sense of closeness, warmth, and connection.

This exercise takes effort, investment, and practice. If you are interested in getting support for implementing these tools, please contact me for relationship coaching or to enroll in a couples course.

MENTIONED ON THIS EPISODE:

• A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article)
• Susan Johnson's Hold Me Tight and Love Sense.
• Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
• Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in resolving common marriage issues! I believe in your relationship success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES

These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She basically asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts in this regard."

To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Third in the podcast series, I discussed How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.

Today, I am talking about How To Clear An Issue With Your Spouse/Partner. Basically, I am discussing the 7 important elements to successful communication when you are having an issue with your partner. The exercise I refer to in this episode is A Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication.

HOW TO CLEAR COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES: 1. LEARN TO TAKE PERSPECTIVE

• The purpose of this communication exercise is to take perspective.
• As you genuinely put yourself in your partner's shoes, you can gain new understandings and awarenesses you would have not otherwise gained.
• You and your partner will feel emotionally closer and connected as you both share and authentically listen to one another.

2. DON'T INITIATE THE CONVERSATION WITH A ONE TRACK MIND

• You get stuck because you want your spouse/partner to validate and acknowledge your experience.
• You want them to take ownership for their impact on you and you want them to be understanding and sympathetic to your feelings.
• However, if you lead with trying to get them to take ownership, it is likely they will push back and be defensive.
• If both of you are wanting to be heard at the same time, then you can get stuck in a power struggle.

3. REPRIORITIZE THE GOAL

• If your goal is to have more understanding and resolution, then it is important to shift the priority (from trying to be heard exclusively) to engaging in a process together.
• Ideally, you will both be working towards the common goal.
• It is almost like the adult version of sharing when you do not want to.

4. LEARN THIS NEW LANGUAGE TOGETHER

• Communication is a two-way process.
• There is a sender and a receiver.
• It isn't communication if the receiver can't understand the message. It would be like speaking a foreign language to someone but they cannot understand you.

5. RECOGNIZE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

• There is a small window of opportunity to practice this exercise.
• If you are too upset, you may be too defensive and triggered to be open to learning.
• "Do I want to find resolution?" If "yes," then proceed. If "no," then take some space.
• Only you can decide if you will fully participate.

6. MOTIVATION

• What comes first: inspiration and motivation or taking action on a task that you don't really want to do (i.e. cleaning chore or homework assignment)?
• People who think motivation comes first tend to procrastinate. If you wait for inspiration or motivation, it may never come.
• Motivation often comes after taking action.

"Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have — and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up." ~ James Belasco and Ralph Stayer

7. THIS EXERCISE IS HARD!

• It takes a great deal of strength to tolerate your discomfort to be present to your partner's pain, especially when your partner has an issue with you.
• This is part of the growing, developing, and maturing that relationship/marriage offers us.
• Knowing you will feel closer, more connected, intimate, and bonded will help inspire you to put forth the effort.

MENTIONED:

• A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication
• Video clip from "This Is 40".
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg.

Be sure to check out next week's episode where we will continue this conversation of How To Clear Common Marriage Issues.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in resolving common marriage issues! I believe in your relationship success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP

These my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

Dr. Corey Allen and I had a great conversation talking about Asking For What You Want & Getting It.

Dr. Corey Allen is a husband, father, author, speaker, as well as a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy.

"GROWING UP" IN RELATIONSHIP:

• Marriage is designed to help us grown up
• Growth does not have to be a threat
• We can use experiences (good and bad) as a practice ground
• "Get out of the harbor" to gain more skill and mastery
• Dr. David Schnarch and his work for passionate marriages
• Intimacy & Desire book written by Dr. David Schnarch

MIND MAPPING:

• Predicting what your partner is thinking and what they are going to do
• Do you allow yourself to be read?

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY:

• Know what you want is okay. Practice self-validation
• Work with your fear of asking for what you want
• Asking is half the battle. Our fear is usually worse than reality

HOW ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

• Know what you want
• Give yourself permission to ask
• Be in the practice of asking

DIFFICULT DYNAMICS WE GET INTO IN A RELATIONSHIP:

• Placating
• Complacency
• Subtle manipulation – we all want things a certain way
• Obligation
• Expectation

MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY:

• "Call it out." You can dramatically change the dynamic in the relationship
• How important is this to you?
• See varying levels of desire between partners, as merely a difference
• Be honest about what you want
• Be clear about what you want

RECEIVE:

• Be present
• Breathe
• Try to enjoy
• "Let your partner do their job"

SUMMARY:

• Figure out where you get in your own way
• Get out of your own way
• Let your partner do their job, while you do your job
• "Get out of the harbor"

MENTIONED:

• Simple Marriage
• Sexy Marriage Radio
  • Assume your wife is the most spontaneous, adventurous woman on the face on the planet
  • Her job is to say, "no" to anything that she is not interested in
  • When you do hear "no," refer back to number one- 3 Simple Rules For Fantastic Sex (For Men)

Be sure to check out next week's topic, How To Clear Issues With Your Partner.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in how to get what you want in a relationship. I believe in your relationship success!

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

HOW TO OVERCOME HURT IN A RELATIONSHIP

These are my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.

Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She essentially asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts, in this regard."

To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Today, I am discussing How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness can seem like a vague, fluffy, and confusing term.

WHAT DOES FORGIVENESS REALLY MEAN?

Forgiveness is like cleaning the windshield to your heart. Often, we are walking around with resentments, grudges, and bitterness, which gets in the way of our ability to be open, present, and happy in a relationship.

Arlene F. Harder writes, "To forgive another person does not mean you will forget what happened or that the person is not responsible for what he did or that you need to bring him back into your life. To forgive another doesn't even need to mean the other person knows you've forgiven him or her. To forgive another simply means you no longer allow another person's actions or words to cause you resentment, anger and pain. To forgive means you acknowledge that while you would have preferred the other person to act or speak differently, you accept that person just as he is. To not forgive another means you continue to hold onto your resentment, anger and pain over another's actions by essentially demanding the other person be someone other than who that person knew (or knows) how to be."

TIME TO GRIEVE:

When something upsetting happens, it is natural, healthy, and important to give yourself adequate time to feel your emotions. Usually, people take a few hours to a few days for smaller issues and up to several months for bigger grievances.

At some point, you may notice your emotional process switch from feeling genuinely sad and upset to feeling resentment and bitterness. While anger can be an important part of the grieving process, there is a difference between being genuinely angry and holding a grudge.

If you notice that you are harboring ill feelings towards someone, you may be letting the issue impact your life negatively. Resentments, bitterness, and grudges can overshadow your life- tainting your ability to be happy, positive, and healthy.

1. WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ON TO?

• What is getting in the way of your ability to love fully or openly?
• What is getting in the way of your ability to feel positive and happy in your relationship?
• What interactions or experiences do you still have issue with?
• Write a list of resentments and hurts.
• Do you notice any themes?

2. WHAT RESENTMENTS, EXPECTATIONS, ATTACHMENTS, OR BELIEFS DO YOU HAVE ABOUT THE ISSUE?

• What are your take aways (i.e. beliefs)?
• Examples:
  • "You shouldn't express your anger like that?"
  • "You are too sensitive. I can bring up anything with you."
  • "You are looking out for yourself. I don't trust you."
  • "You care more about your way and being right. You don't really care about me."

3. WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD? TO BE STRONGER?

• Forgiveness exercise, by Arlene F. Harder.
• Acceptance.
• Boundaries.
• New agreements.
• New understanding.

4. BE OPEN TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE.

• By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the person in a different light.
• By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the situation in differently.
• New awareness.

5. COME TO TERMS.

• Release attachment.
• Forgive for Good.
• The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness (Newly Expanded Paperback Edition).
• Accept.
• Let go of what no longer serves (surrender).
• Assume new learning and perspective

If you are too focused on the past, you cannot live fully in the present. Forgiveness is a practice. You do not need to let upsetting incidents stay with you forever. You can develop more skill in dealing with hurts and resentments moving forward.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.

Mentioned:

Utilize the power of a "Do Over,"

Next week's topic is How To Clear Issues With Your Partner.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to overcome hurt in a relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

"What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict?"

Most people can remember a time when they did or said something during a conflict that they did not feel good about. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to react and find yourself behaving unskillfully.

Furthermore, we all go through the power struggle phase in relationship. While it can be a painful process, it is all a part of the development of a normal and healthy relationship.

Every master was once a disaster. ~ T. Harv Eker

In last week's episode, The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts, I talked about the importance of making a decision for integrity over the relationship in times of distress. On a plane, we are instructed to put on our oxygen mask first before helping anyone else (in an emergency situation). For some of us, this seems like a very counter intuitive practice, especially when you image sitting next to someone you love dearly that needs your assistance. It almost seems selfish. However, if you think a few steps down the road, you can see the wisdom. How can you protect and help the person you love if you are passed out from lack of oxygen?

If you are experiencing conflict with your significant other and you notice the pattern of a downward spiral, you are not going to be of any use to the interaction by participating in the conflict dynamic. The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to put on your oxygen mask – in this case, the oxygen mask is your emotional health and integrity. It may seem like you are leaving your partner high and dry, but experience and research show that very little good is going to come from continuing to engage in the same problematic patterns.

We put emotional health and integrity into motion by taking action. These steps are a practice. Like any other healthy practice (i.e. eating healthy and staying physically active), we are going to love it at times and hate it at times. But all in all we know the long-term results are worth the struggle at times. We want to feel greater love, harmony, and relationship satisfaction. As with any practice, we are aiming for improvement, betterment, and progress, not perfection.

1. STOP REFEREEING.

In relationship, we are so focused on the wrong doing of our partner and we react and take issue with something they did or said. We are like relationship police officers, blowing the whistle on each other and trying to write tickets to each other. In Dr. Fred Luskin's book, Forgive for Good, he talks about people having a metaphorical glove compartment full of unassigned tickets. We can't assign the tickets so they end up building up, essentially building up resentment and bitterness.

2. PLAY YOUR GAME.

• Focus on your part.
• Don't "play down".
• Have the right mind-set.
• The story we tell ourselves is critical to our effort and play.
• Utilize a "Do Over".

If you think you can or you think you can't you are right. ~ Henry Ford.

3. BELIEVE IN THE WIN.

• To win is to do the best you can.
• A double win is when you do the best you can and your partner does the best that he/she can. Together you will work toward a mutually beneficial resolution and feel good about your progress.
• Believe in the benefit of doing your part.
• In doing the best you can, you will feel good about your behavior, effort, and process.

4. KNOW YOUR BOUNDS.

• Know your boundaries and limits.
• Set the standard.
• What is "in bounds" and what is "out-of-bounds" for you?

5. DON'T PLAY OUTSIDE OF BOUNDS.

• "Don't go for balls that are out-of-bounds."
• Be clear about your limits.
• Let your partner know about your new limit (communicate if you are setting something new into place).
• Do not engage or give attention to behaviors you are not okay with.
• Refrain, redirect, or walk away.
• Follow-through.
• Be consistent.
• You will prevent harm from happening.
• Examples of what you can say for each of the Nine Destructive Behaviors:
  • Name calling & character attacks: "I'd like to hear you. However, if you are going to name call, I am going to leave the conversation."
  • Criticism: "I am interested in what you have to say and what your experience is. However, I am not interested in being criticized."
  • Silent treatment: "It seems like you are upset. I care but I am not going to chase you about it. When you are ready to talk, would you please let me know?" (No, reply.) "Okay. Please let me know when you would like to talk. I would like to hear what you are feeling." Check-in but do not give attention for silent treatments.
  • Assuming: "Sounds like you have some ideas about what I might be thinking or feeling. Would you like to hear what I am thinking or feeling? Or Would you like to check it out with me? I'd like to tell you my experience if you would like to hear it."
  • Trying to be right: "It seems like we are getting caught in the trap of trying to be right? I am interested in the goal of working towards a resolution together. Are you interested in that? If not now let's come back to this when we are both calmer."
  • Defensiveness: "I am feeling defensive. It seems like you are feeling defensive too. Is now a good time to talk? I am not sure if we are going to get anywhere right now."
  • Control tactics: "I would like to be able to finish my thought. I am having trouble being able to finish what I am saying. I would like to feel the space to talk as well as the space to listen. I am not interested in interrupting each other. Let's come back to this another time."
  • Outburst of anger: "I don't feel safe right now. I would like to listen to you but I can't when I feel scared."

On the next podcast episode, we will talk about how clear old hurts, build repair, and work toward forgiveness.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.

Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment!

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in being your best in a relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review of my Empowered Relationship podcast. Please leave your review here.

Thank you!

Conflict is normal, natural, and a healthy part of a long-term, intimate relationship. Yet, it is all too common to get stuck in power struggles and painful conflict patterns, which can lead to negativity loops, relationship dissatisfaction, and discontent.

How do you shift conflict patterns if they have been in effect for a while? How do you change the dynamic if you and your partner have been participating in unskillful or destructive behaviors?

If you didn't read my article, Nine Destructive Behaviors To Avoid, you can find it here. Also, you can find the podcast, How To Stop The Drama, mentioned here.

"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you're not going to stay where you are." — John Pierpont Morgan

1. RECOGNIZE THE CONFLICT PATTERN

• Look at your conflict history.
• What is the dance?
• What is the tendency?

2. EXPLORE OTHER OPTIONS

• Are there other approaches?

3. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT PATH & MAKE A DECISION

• When one person shifts, it shifts the whole dynamic.
• Shifting your priority to "right action" versus trying to resolve the issues in old ways.

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching." C. S. Lewis

• Integrity is doing the right thing, even when your partner is not.
• Commit to yourself. What do you want long-term with your partner?
• Honor your integrity. Have a clear conscience by doing the very best you can.
• Might be a solo journey for the moment.
• Gain self-respect.
• Trust yourself. You know how to handle yourself when things get tough.
• Trust the relationship.
• Foster maturity, strength, and positivity.

Stay tuned for the next episode to learn how to put these principles into action.

I would love to hear your thoughts about your experience with conflict in relationships. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.

Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment!

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in exploring my relationship conflict resolution tips.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review of the Empowered Relationship podcast. Please click here.

Thank you!

If you have ever experienced a time when your significant other is experiencing pain or difficulty for any length of time, then you know – it is extremely challenging to stay balanced, positive, and constructive.

As much as you would like to take their pain or difficulty away, you cannot make it better for them or do their work for them. All you can do is take care of your side of things and show-up in the best way possible.

Here are some tips to help you be more effective:

1. HOLD SPACE FOR STRENGTH & GROWTH:

• Be compassionate and empathize.
• Offer support in ways that might be helpful. If you would like more resources on how to be supportive, then check out this podcast.
• If your partner is having a negative outlook, don't buy into the victim story.
• Hold a mindset that your partner is growing, learning, and is in process.
• Believe in your partner. Believe in your partner's strength and capabilities.
• Don't participate with the bad behavior. Set limits. See #3

"The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity."– Ulysses S. Grant

2. BE A SAFE PERSON.

• In relationship, partners are often very sensitive to each other's criticism, judgment, and disappointment.
• Even if you want to see "better behavior" from your partner, judging and criticizing will not help. (If you have issues, try address them constructively.)
• Try and think positive thoughts about your partner. Catch overly critical thoughts and judgments. Remember your partner is trying.
• Communicate with tact and kindness.
• Offer genuine care, regard, and consideration, when possible.

3. TAKE A STAND FOR HEALTH:

• Set standards for yourself. What you are willing to participate in and what you are not willing to participate in?
• Set limits based on things you can control. You cannot control your partner's thoughts and behaviors. You can control what interactions and dynamics you invest your time, attention, and resources into.
• Listener's example: Not wanting to open up a join checking account because of partner's overspending. "I would love to open up a joint checking account, AND I want to feel solid in our ability to work together financially. I want to feel trusting of our ability to be on the same page."
• "Would you be willing to talk about steps we can take together to get on the same page, work together, build solid foundation and trust together financially?
• For more on Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship, check out this podcast.
• My example: "I am not okay, with how things are going. Would you be willing to look for other strategies to deal with this difficultly? Get support?"

4. STRIVE FOR INDIVIDUAL BALANCE & WELLNESS:

• Allow yourself to be vulnerable in a healthy way.
• Honor your needs. Example: Need to feel nurtured – take a hot bath. Need for support. – spend time with a good friend.
• Be clear about your intentions and efforts with your partner.
• Invite your partner into something that would feel good to you. Be Specific.

5. BE AVAILABLE FOR TRUE COMMUNICATION

• Ask your partner for time to talk more openly. Decide when and where would be a good time. Have a heart-to-heart conversation.
• Take the role of the listener and really seek to understand. Take time. Be patient. Be present. Follow your partner's pace of sharing.
• Use empathy – understanding your partner's perspective.
• Understand your partner's needs.

6. BE AVAILABLE FOR TRUE COMMUNICATION AGAIN

• Share your experience.
• Stay "on your side of the fence."
• Know your needs.
• What are you willing to do to contribute to your needs being met?
• Invite your partner into a creative discussion about how to deal with this difficult time together as a couple.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail."– Nelson Mandela

Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment!

I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

Last week, I started talking about the topic of How to feel more confident in Relationship. A listener asked me to talk about how to deal with social anxiety, awkwardness, and embarrassment.

Most of have felt some level of insecurity, inadequacy, or lack of confidence in relationship. Here are some tips to help you feel more capable, confident, and self-assured when relating to others:

If you missed the first episode, where I talked about the first three points, you can find it here.

FIRST THREE POINTS:

1. Be aware of your posture

2, Focus on your breath

3. Balance your thinking

4. BEFRIEND YOURSELF

• Be you, instead of trying to get it right (i.e. saying the "right thing" or doing the "right thing").
• You are good enough.
• If someone doesn't want to take the time to get to know you, then you probably do not want to invest your time and energy into that relationship.
• You want to cultivate relationships that are reciprocal and mutual.
• Be genuine and honest. People will appreciate it.
• Exercise: Pause. Ask yourself: What do I want to do or say right now? What is natural? What is the truth?
• Love being you. Enjoying yourself is extremely attractive.

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." E.E. Cummings

5. BUILD SOCIAL SKILLS

• Focus on the other person.
• Give eye contact.
• Ask genuine questions.
• Be curious.
• Exercise: Before going to a social event, have a few topics or questions prepared that you are interested in or would enjoy talking about.
• Great article: 12 Habits of exceptionally Likable People, by Dr. Travis Bradberry

6. BETTER DESIGN

• Know if you are highly sensitive.
• You can take a self-quiz to find out. Find it here.
• Knowing what social activities work for you rather than trying to fit into what others like. You may prefer to go for a hike or a quiet cafe versus a loud bar or restaurant.
• Exercise: Plan an social activity that you would like. Or if you plan to go to an event that is more overwhelming, take breaks (i.e. step outside for some fresh air or go for a quick walk) or give yourself permission to leave early.

7. CREATE A HABIT:

• New habits take time to develop.
• Learning something new can be uncomfortable and difficult.
• Give yourself the space to build new patterns.
• Pick one of the six areas to focus on over the next 30 days.
  1. Posture
  2. Breathe
  3. Balanced Thinking
  4. Befriend Yourself
  5. Build Social Skills
  6. Better Design

"Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful people have worries. They just don't let these feelings stop them." T. Harv Eker

Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!