Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Most of have felt some level of insecurity, inadequacy or lack of confidence in relationship. Here are some tips to help you feel more capable, confident, and self-assured when relating to others:

• Neurochemical response to your body posture – Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy
• Shoulders back, chin up, or victory pose
• Exercise:
• Collapse your posture and look down and say "I feel sad."
• Look up and expand your chest and say "I feel sad."
• Exercise:
• Walk with confidence.
• Does it feel different?

• Diaphragm breathing
• Anxiety comes from anticipating the future.
• Be in the moment. Mindfulness.
• Your power is now.
• Use your five senses. What do I see, smell, hear, taste, and touch?
• Slow it down
• Feel your feet on the ground and feel your body to be more centered and solid.

• Explore your Beliefs
• Negative bias: interpreting negatively, ignoring or overlooking the positive.
• Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
• Stress Thought Record exercise
• Check assumptions
• Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
• Possibility that people do care, You are interesting. You are attractive. You are lovable.

In the next episode, I will offer four more ways to cultivate confidence in yourself and in relationship.

Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

What is love? This may be more of a philosophical question or construct (conceptual or subjective), but we do have some information about types of love. Recently I wrote an article referencing the Triangular Theory Of Love and ancient greek words for love, before sharing my nine types of love in relationship. If you would like to read it, you can find it here.

Each person will define love differently, and how you define love is ultimately up to you to decide. You may be able to expand your definition of love and your capacity for love in relationship by considering these nine types of love.

These types of love do relate to the developmental stages in relationship. If you missed that article, you can check it out here.

This last February, Hallmark released a video series, titled Put Your Heart To Paper for a Valentines Day campaign. They asked couples to describe their love without using the word love. It was a very touching and creative exercise. How would you describe your love for your significant other without using the word "love?'

Regard, devotion, appreciation, admiration, liking, adoring, and affection.

• Appreciation: "I love how you are kind, creative, and honest."
• Gratitude: "I feel so lucky to be with you."
• Value: "I respect and value you and your opinion."
• Admiration: "I am proud to be your significant other."

Enjoyment, creativity, flirting, fun, pleasure, and enjoying activities together.

• Fun: "I have so much fun with you."
• Enjoyment: "I love being with you." "I enjoy our time together."
• Video mentioned (couple signing at the gas station).

Special connection, ideals, loving, passionate, tender, and affectionate.

• Special: "You mean the world to me."
• Ideals: "The world is perfect with you."
• Tender: "You are my equal."

Desire, physical intimacy, passion, eroticism, and chemistry.

• Physical intimacy: "I enjoy our physical connection."
• Desire: "Your embrace awakens me."

Depth of feeling and emotion, emotional intimacy, sharing, heart connection, spiritual connection, inspiration, and motivation.

• Inspiration: "You inspire me to be a better person."
• Optimism: "You remind me that everything is going to be okay."
• Expressing life: "I love how you are so full of life."
• Heart connection: "My heart is bigger because of you."
• Emotional intimacy: "I feel connected to you."

Support, reliance, family, belonging, unconditional, loyalty, patience, and tolerance.

• Belonging: "You are home to me."
• Supportive: "You are there for me. I can count on you."

Partnership, teamwork, comradery, common goals, working together, warm fellowship, and companionship.

• Partnership: "I love what we create together."
• Companionship: "I feel so grateful to share life with you."

Selfless love, care and regard for your partner's well-being, wishing well, and benevolence.

• Benevolence: "I want that for you."
• Care for another's well-being: "Namaste" – The light in me recognizes and acknowledges the light in you.
• Bruce Van Horn's Life Is A Marathon

Regard for one's own well-being and happiness, not being self-absorbed, but true regard and care for self.

• Knowing, loving, and honoring yourself.
• "To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I'". ~ Ayn Rand Quotes
• Expanding your capacity to give and receive love.

Building your repertoire of love will help you grow and experience more love within your relationships. You have the opportunity to cultivate and share in love at any moment and at any time.

Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

What is a "Do over?"

A "do over" is having or taking the opportunity to try something a second time.

Learning Curve

When we are learning something new, we rarely get it right the first time. Children playing together are a great example of what is possible with a "do over." Children will commonly ask for a "do over" or freely ask to try again.

Many of us have the expectation that we should know how to address challenges in relationship effectively and skillfully without ever learning or gaining experience. Almost any skill requires negotiating a learning curve.

Reflective Listening Exercise

Many times I am inviting couples into a reflective listening exercise, which can feel like learning a foreign language. It takes practice and repetition before people start to feel comfortable with the skill. Many times, people feel intimidated or afraid of not getting it right. More than anything, I am giving clients permission to get it wrong. The exercise has a step that allows them to check it out with their partner to see if they got it right. Their partner will correct them if they got it wrong.

If you try this exercise, your partner will likely be grateful for your effort and willingness. They will probably be more gracious and generous than you might expect.

Fear & Worry

When we worry, we are often:

• anticipating a future event that seems difficult or overwhelming
• and don't feel confident in how to meet the challenge.

One of the ineffective ways we deal with fear and worry is to avoid, but avoiding restricts our living and expression. Avoiding keeps us small, and keeps our relationship constricted.

A more effective approach to dealing with fear and worry in relationship involves being willing to try something new and to increase one's skill and confidence.

Developing Skill Takes Practice.

Both negotiating difficult interactions in relationship and truth-telling take practice and the development of skill. Relationship dynamics can be incredibly tricky and complex. And yet, we feel we should know how to respond, without putting in the time to learn. We do not give ourselves the space and permission to practice in relationship. We are afraid of upsetting our partner, rocking the boat, or feeling inadequate. We can also feel worried about being dismissed or rejected.

If you have been listening to my previous podcasts, you probably have heard me say, challenges will arise in relationship. It is the way that we dealwith the challenges that determines our relationship experience and success.

If we choose to ignore the difficulty and let it go rather than circle back and address the issue, the we are missing a great opportunity.

If you still have feelings about something, it still has life. The emotions are still relevant, even if they occurred in the past. Time is often not linear in the emotional realm. Have you ever received a delayed thank you card? It still feels good, even if it is late.

"Do overs" give us the opportunity to practice and improve our interactions in relationship. "Do overs" help us cultivate more connection and meaning with our loved ones. Here are some tips to support your next "do over:"

1. Pay attention.

• When an interaction seems off or doesn't feel good, take notice.
• Were you uncertain of what to say, came on too strong, didn't speak up, didn't say what you meant, complained, or criticized?

2. What is true?

• What is true underneath the complaint, silence, or misstep?
• "I want…"

3. What could I have said that would have been more genuine and authentic?

• What would have been a more clear, truthful, and tactful way of communicating?
• What are some options of things you could have said that would have been more true?
• See what statement resonates the most.

4. Ask for a "do over".

• Work up the courage to ask for a "do over" and try something new.
• "I would like a "do over" please."

5. Capture the moment (and essence) and do it over.

• Be as authentic and genuine as possible.
• When you open and connect with what is true and meaningful, your partner will feel your sincerity and genuineness.
• "If I could have the opportunity to do that I again, here is what I would have said…"
• "Before, I wasn't sure what to say. Now, that I have some time to think about it, here is what I would liked to have said…"

6. Feel the difference.

• Does the "do over" seem different in any way?
• How do you feel communicating the best way that you can?
• How does your partner respond? Recognize the impact you have to deeply affect others.
• Honoring and valuing the shared space you are creating with your partner.

Hopefully, you will find that the "do over" approach can be a powerful option to repair and correct missteps in relationship. Even more, I hope you feel the transformational connection with you partner, and that you both feel more known and deeply loved by each other.

Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

In this episode, we are exploring how to deal with feelings of anger in relationship.

Anger is a healthy, normal, and natural emotion. Anger is a cue. It lets us know that something is hurting us or has crossed a line. The way we deal with anger makes it destructive or constructive.

Anger is often a secondary emotion. Meaning, there is a primary emotion underneath the anger, like feeling hurt or scared. Anger usually shows up when we are feeling protective or defensive.

Stereotypically, men are more comfortable with anger than women. Men tend to be able to access the fight or dominant mode more easily. Women tend to avoid getting angry, as to not hurt someone's feelings. Women will tend to prioritize the relationship over expressing their anger. Louann Brizendine discussed the neurological science behind these findings in The Female Brain.

Most of us do not know how to deal with anger effectively or constructively. With my clients, I sometimes ask them, "how was anger dealt with in your family growing up?" Most people say, "it wasn't." Or, some people will say, "not well."

Here are some common ineffective approaches:

• Avoiding anger leads to more tension and build up within the relationship.
• Blowing up when angry can feel scary and unsafe to our partners.
• Passive aggression is confusing and hurtful to our partners

These methods result in little resolution and can negatively impact levels of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Research shows that just venting and expressing anger is not that helpful, and that it can sometimes make us even more angry.

Learning constructive ways to dealing with our anger is critical. It promotes individual health and well-being. It supports the success and intimacy within relationship. A couple will be able to experience more resolution with their conflicts, and they will become stronger, closer, and more evolved as a couple (by dealing with anger constructively).

Choice point: How am I going to react or respond? How am I going to deal with this situation? How am I going to deal with my anger?

1. Recognize:

• How do I know I am angry?
• Body sensations
• Thoughts
• Reactions
• Read Exploring The Feeling Of Irritability

2. Identify:

• How upset am I?
• Red zone: fight, flight, or freeze
• 1-10
• Traffic light
• Label or name it. "I am angry."
• Regulate and calm the nervous system
• Slow down
• Breathing (6-2-7)
• Clear thinking

3. Inquiry:

• Seek to understand
• Be curious without blame
• What happened?
• What am I really angry about?
• Take global anger and look for specific content.
• Ask yourself what does this remind me of? Or what does this bring up for me? Look at the first thing that pops in your mind. How might this be related to my current situation?

4. Self-regard:

• Self compassion.
• Empathy video
• Blame video

5. Need:

• What did I need in this situation?
• What is my need?
• Example Exploring The Feeling Of Irritability

6. Moving forward:

• What could I do to get my needs met in the future?
• What can I ask for?
• What boundaries do I need to set?

Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.

If you missed my discussion of the Stages Of Intimacy on Bruce Van Horn's podcast, Life Is A Marathon, you can check it out here. I had a great time talking with him.

If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you!

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