Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Leisa Peterson is a Business EFT expert and Wealth Coach specializing in helping people clear their fear, doubt and overwhelm to create joyful, profitable, authentic and fulfilling businesses.

In this episode, Leisa talks with us about working collaboratively together, rather than working from a scarcity mindset. With collaboration, we can bring out the best in each other and achieve greatness together. Whereas when we are in "self-concern," we tend to not be as understanding and supportive with one another, and we tend to focus on scarcity and our needs not getting met.

She identified several ways people feel scarcity (see below), and she shared some tips on how to move from a scarcity perspective into a more collaborative perspective, namely with awareness and self-responsibility. She also talked about the importance of compassion and forgiveness.

Leisa gave us a sneak peek into her upcoming book "7 Ways We Sabotage Our Experiences As Entrepreneurs," where she talks about the different types of scarcity. Here are a few:

• I don't have the resources.
• I don't have enough time.
• I don't feel good enough.
• I have to cut corners.
• What I want is not possible.

Leisa's insights and tips are important to any relationship dynamic and are particularly important to intimate relationships. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips.

• Leisa Peterson's website (website)
• Leisa's story about loss and forgiveness (podcast episode)

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 061: How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Monika is a licensed therapist and relationship coach promoting healthy, authentic relationships from the inside-out. She specializes in helping people change their limiting beliefs at the subconscious level, creating much deeper change than in traditional coaching methods. She works mostly with women who are in long-term relationships in crisis, to help them create their desired relationship by first changing their own default modes. Her coaching programs guide individuals through four stages of change that are required for truly authentic, empowered relationships.

In this episode, Monika talks with us about essential keys to shifting your relationship approach, so that can set your relationship up for success. She talks about the "default modes" that get in the way of our ability to show up for a healthy, authentic relationship. She defined "default modes" as the habitual ways we respond to things that are based on old programming.

Monika talked about her approach to helping people create relationship change in their lives with these four stages.

1. Self-Awareness: Getting honest with yourself, taking ownership of your limits, desires, needs, and challenges. Really getting to know yourself.

2. Expression: Expressing yourself authentically. Gaining the tools to express who you are to another person in relationship.

3. Hold the space for your partner's expression: Receiving your partner. Getting your filters out of the way, so that you can hear who your partner is as a separate person. Separate from the past and what has already happened in your relationship. Staying present in the moment.

4. Getting into unity: Getting on the same team. Move out of the "me" versus "you" mindset and into the "we" mindset. The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.

Monika shares her own story and turning point in relationship, where she chose a path of personal and relationship transformation. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips.

• Monika Hoyt's website
• Free 30 minute Relationship Breakthrough session with Monika Hoyt

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 060: How To Step Up To A Healthy, Authentic Relationship With Monika Hoyt.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

"How or what might you be able to recommend for my current situation? I am a 45 year old man who is dating a 41 year old woman who has been married 2 previous times. I have lived the single life and am ready for a change. One of her children is still a child. Her biggest concern is where my career path is leading me…. I changed career direction a couple years ago and has not produced visible improvement in my life financially. I don't want to lose her because of that, she has asked that I find something and has given somewhat of a deadline on our future together. I know we have a connection and she has voiced that as well. My biggest feeling I have currently is Fear…fear of losing her when I know and I know she knows we have a connection."

1. Identify What Is True For You.

• What are your top values in life?
• What are your needs?
• What type of relationship are your wanting to create?

2. What Are Your Partner's Needs?

• What are your partner's top values in life?
• What are her needs?
• What type of relationship is she wanting to create?

3. Be Honest & True.

• Be willing to be vulnerable.
• Reveal what is true.

4. Surrender The Desire To Control.

• Be open to the unknown.
• Let go of your attachment to being seen in a particular way.
• Feel the emotions that come up when you let go of the need to control (i.e. fear, grief, sadness).

5. Just Be.

• Be in the moment.
• Be with what is true.
• There is a tremendous amount of strength and grace that comes for revealing what is true without trying to hide or conceal.

"Hi I am 55 years old, divorced for four years. I'm in relationship and it's pretty serious and I'm not sure at this point when to tell him that I had a gastric bypass surgery. Only a couple of friends know that I had the surgery about eight years ago. I am committed to living a more authentic life and I feel like I need to tell him at some point. We are talking about the relationship progressing to the next level. He retires at the end of the year. He might be moving across the country to live with me. I am feeling like I need to tell him. I am just not sure when. Do we wait until we talk about marriage or until we are pretty sure that we're going to be together or do I just do it now. I guess I feel like I should do it now because if he can't accept that or is judgmental about about my past, I'd like to know sooner rather than later."

6. Commit To Revealing.

• Commit to revealing over and over again in relationship.
• Even if feels shameful, unacceptable, unattractive, and unlovable.
• Otherwise, you will be hiding yourself and taking yourself out of true connection.

7. You Always Have The Opportunity To Choose.

• As soon as you recognize you are concealing or hiding…
• Shift your focus to revealing and being transparent.
• Notice what is true in the moment.
• Share openly and honestly.

8. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Experience

• Be curious.
• How are you contributing to this issue?
• Stay with the question.
• How are you participating in the relationship dynamic?

• Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (book)
• Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast)
• My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast)
• Suzanne Kilkus (website)
• Gosia Meyer Jewelry (website)

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 059: Risk Love To Be True To Oneself.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

After filming over 20 years of couples weddings, videographer and documentary film maker Doug Block, began to wonder what happened to these couples, "Are they still together? Is married life what they thought it would be? How have they navigated the inevitable ups and downs of marriage over the long haul? Are they happy?"

To answer these questions, Doug tracked down 9 couples to interview. In "112 Weddings," Doug explores themes of love, commitment, and challenges, while giving us flashbacks of their wedding day. He asks all the couples: "After years of being married, what would be your advice be for a young couple soon to be married?"

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

1. You are going to experience challenges together.

Every couple talked about some hardship or difficulty that they had to face together. These challenges ranged from financial stresses, parenting and decision-making conflicts, mental illness, having a child with a life threatening illness, and having a child with learning disability.

"I think there's an amazing story behind every couple's marriage. The common denominator is that they're going to face really tough challenges over time." ~ Doug Block

2. You have no idea what to expect within your marriage.

"Wedding is day one. It is easy to make happy. You just throw a ton of money and liquor at it. A wedding is easy to make happy and marriage it hard to make happy." ~ Rabbi Jonathan Blake

Even against our better judgement, we hope our marriage will be easy or that "happily ever after" will happen to us. Yet, a marriage is a living, breathing relationship. A marriage does not survive on it own, it takes a level of intention, attention, and investment that most of us do not know how to do proactively. Couples talked about the mistakes of putting other priorities first and taking their partner for granted.

3. When things don't go according to plan, it is easy to feel shame.

Generally, we don't talk about our hardships with one another. Therefore, it is easy to think everyone else is doing well in their relationship, especially when you look at social media. We tend to privately play the comparison game. When our relationship is not going the way we want it to, it is easy to feel bad and alone. This is especially true, if we expected the relationship to be easy and blissful. We think some version of "Something is wrong with me, my partner, or us."

4. Gather resources to get you through the challenging times.

As with any challenge you set-out to accomplish, you want to be as prepared as possible. If you were planning for a long, rigorous hike, you would want to wear good socks and boots, as well as prepare a pack with extra clothing layers, plenty of snacks and water, and supplies.

One couple talked about marriage being like waves. "Sometimes you love your partner, and sometimes you hate them. Your marriage will go through phases." Couples talked what helped them get through the difficult times:

• Working together.
• Being able to laugh together.
• Remembering why I married this person.
• Having gratitude; Not taking my for granted.

Doug Block answers the question, "What do you hope people take away from this film?":

"When people tend to think about marriage, their thoughts end at the wedding. The wedding is such a big deal that they conflate marriage with weddings. The whole point of the film is that the wedding is just day one. You're going to have a long life together and the only thing that you can expect is that life will throw the unexpected at you. That's your task as a couple — facing life together and the things you can't possibly prepare for."

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 058 Beyond the wedding. What is marriage really like.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Hello Dr. Jessica Higgins, I'm really enjoying your podcast. Thank you very much for all the insight you give us. I am interested in hearing about addiction particularly gambling addiction.

My husband has been gambling for probably seven years. I discovered it about three years ago. Gambling just seems to be one of those addictions that people don't really talk about so much. He's gambling about $30 a day, so it doesn't seem like a lot, but at the end of the year it adds up.

I'd really like to know how to figure out what to do about this, how I want to proceed in my relationship, and how to assess whether this is a deal breaker for me because I have a lot of issue with it. Any information you can give on the effect of gambling on relationships and how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

1. Take An Honest Look

• What is the impact of your partner's behavior?
• Emotionally
• Relationally
• Financially
• Etc.

2. Identify Your Boundaries

• Are you enabling your partner's behavior? (see article below)
• Do you feel resentful, overextended, or taken for granted?
• Identify your boundaries. What is okay with you and what is not okay with you?
• What would holding a boundary allow you to feel?
• What are your underlying needs?
• How would holding a boundary help you? How would holding a boundary help your relationship?

3. Change The Rules

• Do not participate in old dynamics or habits.
• Change the way you relate with your partner.
• Set new limits and standards for yourself.
• Set boundaries that you can control.

4. Communicate With Your Partner

• Express concern without blame or shame.
• Share the impact of your partner's behavior.
• Share the serious nature of the concern. Rate your concern on a scale from 1 to 10.
• Discuss the option of getting help (i.e. therapist, counselor, Gamblers Anonymous, treatment program).
• Explicitly state your boundary. "Here is what I am going to do moving forward."

5. Take Action

• Stick with your plan. It will feel the hardest in the beginning.
• Be consistent. Let your partner know you are serious.
• You are changing the family/couple system.
• Get support (i.e. Gam-Anon, therapist, support group, friends, etc.).
• Gather new information.
• How does your partner respond to your new limits?
• Is your partner willing to get help?
• Are you and your partner communicating?

• Transform Your Life Baja Cruise (cruise details and registration page)
• Brené Brown talking about Boundaries, Empathy, and Compassion (video)
• How to avoid enabling a spouse's gambling addiction (article)
• Stages of compulsive gambling (article)
• Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group (forum)
• AAMFT Gambling (resource)
• Gambling addiction (resource)
• How Can I Help My Husband Stop Gambling? (article)

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 057- How to Avoid Enabling Your Spouses' Destructive Behavior.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Alison Armstrong, author, educator, and creator of the widely acclaimed "Queen's Code" workshop series, asks the question: "What if no one is misbehaving — including you?" She explores the good reasons behind the behavior of men and women such as fundamental differences in the ways we think, act and communicate. She offers simple, partnership-based, solutions to improve our communication and intimacy by honoring ourselves and others. She's known for her insight, sense of humor and ability to articulate the human experience and predicament of gender.

In this episode, Alison talks with us about important points to consider if you are having difficulty syncing up with your partner sexually. She offers key explanations to the variables that are involved with being interested, available, and engaged in sex. She shares important information about our biological and emotional influences. She gives very practical suggestions to help set couples up for successful engagement with one another.

Alison inspires us work in ways that support and nurture our sexual relationship. She provides very practical and effective strategies to gain more intimacy within your relationship.

Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips.

• Understand Men (website)
• Queen's Code (website)
• The Queen's Code (book)

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 056: Secrets To Sex Even When No One Is In The Mood With Alison Armstrong.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your sexual relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

A Gift: A few weeks ago, I announced a complimentary strategy session (to the first 40 people) to help you learn effective strategies to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.

"You've done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique… if you're the one giving it. However, what if you're on the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults? How would you turn that around? My first instinct was to break up with her, that her mind has been poisoned with the opinions of others.

Key members of her family/friends thought I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate. Growing up in small towns, smaller schools, and being a techie… judgmental city folk like that really don't get me. Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I'm compliant, an advocate of self-improvement.

Eventually, it started bothering me. About a year of that was enough, and I started standing up for myself, just straight up saying no sometimes, refusing the critique outright even. She went distant after that, and two months later, she broke things off."

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

1. Trust Yourself

• Listen to your gut instinct and/or inner wisdom.
• Acknowledge your needs.
• Be honest about fit when dating and exploring relationship potential (i.e. values, desires, etc.).

2. Ask Curious Questions

• Get to know her experience.
• Learn what she is thinking, feeling, and desiring.
• What is underneath her complaint? For example, "What would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel?"

3. Set Limits And Boundaries

• Do not engage in dynamics that are hurtful.
• Set a standard for respect.
• Don't participate in communication that does not feel good to you.
• Participate in communication that is constructive.

4. Redirect And Ask For Constructive Communication

• Let her know what type of communication you are interested in.
• Let her know you want to hear her experience in a constructive way.
• Communication your needs and desires around this topic.

5. Practice Self-Validation

• Acknowledge your positive characteristics and qualities.
• Appreciate what you have to offer.
• Validate your worthiness.

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: What To Do When You Are Feeling Criticized In Relationship.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

A Gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.

"If I see that every morning when I work from home my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare and is 5 or so minutes late, every time. She is able to stay in the home. I pay all the bills. I also know that this is happening on days when I am not there. It is very hard to rush 3-5 Yo's, things just take time. I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give herself (and the kids) more time so she can start some of the process's earlier. Usually I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30. I think this would alleviate the stress or being late every day. I'm worried that suggesting such a thing would cause a "conflict" where she would be mad at me. So therefore I won't say anything. I guess I just don't know how to be. I really like/want to talk discuss everything and she doesn't. I realized that her and I have different definitions of peace. She feels peaceful when there is no "confrontation" even if that means we don't talk. I want to talk about everything. I want to work through everything and have all our feelings out on the table. I'm very much and extrovert and she is an introvert, in terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally. I feel like we are so different. Our conversations always go so poorly, I end up feeling like I'm so wrong and in order to have the closeness that I crave I just "can't say anything". I'm not even clear on what is reasonable or ok to say/suggest."

1. Recognize Differences in You and Your Partner's Style and Pacing

• Extrovert's are typically comfortable verbally and processing aloud.
• Introvert's are usually more comfortable reflecting and processing internally.

2.Make Room for Your Partner.

• Slow down so that you can connect with your partner.
• Listen for the emotional tone of your partner and try to attune to them.
• Strive for collaboration.

3. Gain Awareness

• Notice opinions or judgements.
• What is it like for me when she is late? What would her being on time allow me to feel?
• What is it that I am wanting or needing?
• Is this something that I can accept? (This question may give you a better sense of your boundaries.)

4. Get Curious

• What is her experience in the morning?
• What does being late do for her (Is she needing more sleep? Is she needing a deadline to motivate her in the morning? Is she used to running on adrenaline and stress?)
• Get to know her experience more fully.

5. Work Towards Constructive Communication

• How can communicating feel comfortable for both of you?
• Practice relational communication
• Talk about you and your feelings rather than expressing judgments or opinions of your partner.
• Relational communication is very different from other types of communication that you might use at work or in other areas of your life.
• Get support to create a new communication patterns.

• A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article)
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book)
• Meetup groups and meetings (website)

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Bridge A Communication Gap With Your Partner.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

A special gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.

"I know that walking on eggshells is a bad thing. Because whether or not you are doing it, the issue will come up eventually, and if put off it will only be more dramatic later. I've always been such an assertive person, but lately, with my girlfriend, I've not been emotionally assertive. That frustrates my girlfriend and it makes me shame myself. So a couple of things, I know that I need to not shame myself, and I don't want to be emotionally unassertive.

Like I make too many assumptions about how she 'might' react to something. Avoid

Then I get caught in this terrible spiral. I don't want to burden her with my problems, so I'm walking on eggshells, and then when I finally do tell her, another issue has arisen because I have not been good about being clear with what I need and want.

Like this has happened a few other times in the past when I am upset by something she's done but have not addressed the issue right away, tried to take off some of the pressure and heat from the situation by sitting on the feeling for a few days.

I don't know why I do this and I don't want to do it. And then I realize that in my fear of bothering her and in my head thinking she won't want to be with me, I exacerbate the situation even more and it feeds into itself . Which sucks.

My main question for you is, do you have any tips for how I can let my gf know that I am assertive, emotionally and otherwise, and how I can stop myself from shaming myself for having needs? "

Emphasizing Your Best Parts – In dating, it is common to want to show the best parts of yourself. However, if you are too preoccupied with saying and doing the right thing, you run the risk of hiding and concealing who you really are in relationship. If this continues, you don't have the opportunity to build a solid foundation for an authentic relationship.

Men Revealing Emotional Needs – When it comes to revealing emotions, men sometimes have a little more difficult time sharing their inner world. Stereotypically, men are taught to be strong and independent. Therefore, it can be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar for men to discuss their emotional needs and desires proactively.

Relationship Model – Thinking about who you want to be in relationship and what you want your relationship to be like can be a helpful. If you know you want to have open communication in your relationship, than you will be more motivated to broach a topic with your partner.

Interdependence – Relationships involve some level of reciprocity. "The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values." ~ Barton Goldsmith Ph.D.

Feeling Worthy – Being in relationship involves receiving, as well as giving. Do you feel worthy of receiving your partners love?

Being Seen – Having needs and preferences, allows your partner to know you and experience you. Also, expressing your desires with your partner gives you an opportunity to see how they will show up.

Giving Yourself A Chance – Not sharing with your partner out of fear of rejection is like rejecting yourself before your partner has a chance to reject you. Believe me, I understand how scary and vulnerable it is to share what is honest and real, especially when you don't know how it will be received. However, I imagine you ultimately want to be in a relationship where you are loved….not for being perfect, but for being you.

1. Awareness: be clear about how you feel and what you want. 2. Acceptance: What if you accepted your experience as just a part of your process without blame or shame? What if you focused on being real and honest? What if it were all okay? Would you be able to have more compassion and acceptance with yourself? 3. Being Communicative: Proactively sharing with your partner (listen to episode to hear examples). Communicating with your partner creates a climate where it is safe to talk about uncomfortable and difficult topics. Together you will be building a foundation for a lasting relationship.

4. Act With Future Relationship In Mind: What kind of relationship are you wanting to build? Is the relationship reciprocal and interdependent? Is it honest and real? These types of qualities require an investment. If you focus on the long-term benefit 9of what your relationship will be like down the road), you will be more interested in putting forth the effort.

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about building emotional assertiveness in love relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

A special gift: For the first 40 people that contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.

"In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I found an article about attachment styles. I found myself in the anxious insecure attachment style. l also identified my soon to be ex husband's attachment style and my current boyfriend's attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how do we overcome those needs that weren't met in childhood so that we can be more complete adults now and therefore have healthy relationships."

Much of the empirical research in the field of attachment is based on the pioneering theoretical work of John Bowlby(1969/1973/1980). Bowlby's attachment theory was founded upon evolutionary principles and developed from his research in observing the emotional and behavioral reactions of infants when separated from their primary caregiver. Attachment responses are designed to keep infants in close proximity to their caregivers, which help keep them safe and protected from harm. These emotional and behavioral responses are a part of the complex constellation called an attachment system. Any type of threat to the stability of existing attachment bonds is thought to activate the attachment system (Bowlby, 1969), and people differ systematically in the way they cope with distress and regulate feelings of security (Bowlby, 1973).

Another goal of the attachment system is to promote the sense of "felt security" (Treboux et al., 2004, p. 295), which is the perception that an attachment figure is both available and responsive (Bowlby, 1969). Sustaining this sense of felt security is thought to be critical for maintaining satisfying, close attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1969).

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

1. Gain awareness of your attachment style. 2. Understand your attachment response is real and important. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves…wanting to be different and feel different. 3. Identify your attachment need. Sometimes this requires getting in touch with deep pain, which can feel extremely vulnerable. 4. Communicate your attachment needs in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you.Communicate in a ways that your partner can hear it. 5. (When your partner wants you to be there for them) Show up in a way that works for you. Most of the time we can't show up because we are also feeling threatened, reacting, and in pain. 6. Work to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship. 7. Meet your partner in connection. Reveal deep vulnerable truths, see, hear, understand, and validate each other.

Yes, it is possible to heal attachment insecurities. It does take effort and constructive practice. If you are interested in getting support and guidance to work these steps, please contact me. I would be honored to help.

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about attachment styles in love relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.