In Episode 2, Kim revisits the concept of love languages and expands it beyond Gary Chapman's framework to include what she calls childhood love languages: the ways love, attention, neglect, and reassurance were first experienced and internalized early in life.
This episode explores why mismatches around texting, reassurance, effort, and commitment are often less about preference and more about attachment wounds, unmet needs, and early conditioning. Kim answers listener questions about constant texting and delayed replies, surviving repeated infidelity, and feeling pressured to meet perfectionistic expectations in a relationship.
Throughout the episode, the focus stays on empathy, accountability, and learning how to recognize both your own needs and the ways your partner may already be expressing care in forms you're not noticing.
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00:00 – Listener questions preview • Texting, reassurance, and delayed replies • Multiple infidelities in marriage • Perfectionism, engagement, and feeling "not enough"
01:09 – Introduction to the five love languages 02:26 – Why love languages resonated with so many people 02:55 – Perception, CBT, and how meaning is assigned 03:19 – Introducing childhood love languages 03:43 – How early experiences shape what love feels like 04:08 – Neglect, abuse, and miswired definitions of love 04:57 – Repeating unhealthy dynamics in adult relationships 05:31 – Recognizing childhood love languages through patterns
05:59 – Question 1: "Texting is my love language" 06:23 – Anxiety, reassurance, and delayed replies 07:48 – Texting as a bid for safety, not control 08:54 – Inconsistent caregiving and anxious attachment 09:43 – Recreating neglectful dynamics in adult relationships 10:53 – Attention as a valid human need 11:35 – How awareness reduces the grip of reassurance-seeking 12:04 – The avoidant partner's childhood love language 12:25 – Compromise and meeting in the middle 12:45 – Talking about pain instead of policing behavior 13:22 – Noticing love in forms you're overlooking 13:47 – Resistance to meeting a partner's needs 14:07 – Healing childhood wounds through relationships
14:37 – Question 2: Can a marriage survive multiple infidelities? 15:06 – Why infidelity brings couples to therapy 15:38 – The role of remorse and personal work 16:07 – What makes an apology real vs hollow 17:02 – Example of a poor apology 17:28 – Example of a proper apology 18:51 – Accountability, empathy, and rebuilding trust 19:12 – Answering questions after betrayal 19:53 – Misplaced self-blame and comparison 20:22 – Sitting on the "hot seat" after infidelity 20:43 – Long-term reassurance and transparency 21:03 – Knowing when it's time to stop trying 21:35 – Patterns vs isolated incidents 22:03 – Childhood modeling of betrayal and repair
22:38 – Question 3: Perfectionism and the "dangling carrot" 23:06 – Feeling like nothing is ever enough 24:26 – Childhood roots of perfectionism 25:09 – Type A vs laid-back dynamics 25:56 – Losing yourself in goal-driven relationships 26:19 – People-pleasing and suppressed needs 26:43 – People-pleasing as conditional love 27:11 – Exploitation and moving goalposts 27:42 – Premarital counseling and alignment 28:06 – Clarifying values, needs, and future vision 28:35 – Why seeking a "perfect relationship" is a red flag
29:21 – Closing reflections and Gary Chapman quote
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel anxious about communication, stuck in cycles of betrayal, or unsure whether your relationship expectations are realistic or rooted in old patterns.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
