The Problems: There needs to be a lot more exhaustion in this country; we were really tearing through popes there for a while; one hickie, and suddenly you’re out-of-uniform; Billy Corgan: The Seriousest Kid on Earth; retirees and toddlers should NOT be sharing a classroom; why John could never be a full Grateful Dead person; pull up those goddamned pants—like a gentleman; when ganking, you can’t stab your fish until the new shivs arrive; guys, you gotta stay away from the heroin; you get that Trotsky tattoo, and you’re stuck with that Trotsky tattoo; Merlin’s morbid fear of Judas Priest; passing on that Orthodox stress bump? “Tradition!”; history clearly mitigates against the group shower; Paul Shaffer just keeps playing along; crafting an artisanal air guitar; how your “fitness regimen” is literally killing the environment; Jonathan Cain, last of a generation; pondering England’s functional pussies; introducing awkward sharing and constant uncertainty; startling new statistics on what 70% of New York’s men “have”; up to pie on katie bars of kitchen signs—but not me in; John shares how to properly blouse a pant; how did you get this number?; Merlin gives Hodgman a fresh pair of GoldToe®s; introducing new yokes to usefulness; Dave Grohl seems like a pretty nice guy; no skylarking; the little red-haired witch that flew over the moon; an abrupt change of plans for little Tyler Heraclitus; The Varieties of Wangus Experience; debating the indignity of the keytar; silent instruments of the holocaust; now it’s HALF a golf pencil, and you’ll like it; the category of things that are never funny; no excuse, sir; yeah, but, Rimbaud and Mozart were corner cases; functional data points on The Liberty Bell Curve; how come only the keyboard guys ever die?; and that is what you get for wearing a plastic faucet on your head for nine hours; “Shower down to get an ‘A!’”; only takes one shortcut to ruin the rugby photo for everyone; crisscross applesauce; entering Washington’s carnival worm hole; why Merlin may be better at guitar than he lets on; gaslighting the shit out of these kids; one day love will find you; more on helping Gibson find his duck; and, John’s important new plan for helping our young people.

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