Everyone Dies In Sunderland: A podcast about growing up terrified in the eighties and nineties

Remember Christmas TV before the BBC gave up?

You know they have. Even people who actually like Call the Midwife and Mrs Brown’s Boys are like, “what, again?”

Anyway, back when Everyone Dies In Sunderland is set, Terry Wogan would come on at Christmas and present a show called “Auntie’s Christmas Bloomers”, which was like a gag reel for the entire BBC that year. Yes, an entire hour of one of the cast of the Lion and the Unicorn fluffing their lines and saying bugger. There was a funny once when Neil Pearson is doing a tough police interrogation scene in Between the Lines, but you can hear a tiny electronic version of Greensleeves in the background and he says “would you like an ice cream?” while staying in character. That was funny.

What I’m trying to say is, what we are presenting to you here is mechanically reclaimed off cuts from series 1 and 2, including!

·         “My ceramic Romana 2 always due east Toni Basil!”

·         Claire’s paranormal fears!

·         “Fucking Gulf War!”

·         Nostalgia for the Suez Crisis! 

·         “I’m the ruffian with the tank and the gun and the chicken chucker”

·         Claire saying “chickens” for no reason at all!

·         An extraordinarily highbrow joke about Ronald Harewood’s 1980 play “The Dresser” 

·         “I haven’t wanked off a pig since 2006”

·         More poetry from Gareth!

In the words of Andrew Falkous from McLusky “there is a reason why this material was previously unreleased”  

On November 26th 1980 John Welch checked into room 101 of the Swallow Hotel in Newcastle – but he would never check out.

Welch was found murdered in his room the same evening. Nothing had been taken, no weapon ever found. Half a cup of tea and a half-eaten sandwich next to his body. 

After 40 years, the murder is still unsolved . 

We also take a look at the Rendlesham Forest Incident, where aliens briefly invaded Suffolk, and the Southern Television Broadcast Interruption when Vrillon from Galactic Command commandeered children’s cartoons to warn viewers of a coming apocalypse. We’re genuinely surprised you don’t remember. 

Along the way, we remember punk rock provocateur GG Allin and his unlikely role in “He’s All That”, Clarks Hardware and inflatable armchairs and Gareth is attacked with a melon.

You remember the 1993 sitcom The Lion and the Unicorn, right? You must do. 

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Everyone Dies in Sunderland explores some of the darkest moments of North East history, and includes jokes. These jokes will never be at the expense of victims or their families and will always be at the expense of people who deserve to be mocked, robbed of their power and shown up for the idiots they really are. If you’re easily offended or personally connected to the events we’re discussing though,you probably shouldn’t listen.  

If anyone does have information that could help this or any other historic investigation then they can call police on 101 or report it anonymously through Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

Our theme music is the song “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: 

https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay

“I didn’t pour my heart out, for you to fancy me”

On May 23rd 1986 Julie Perigo told a friend that she was meeting a man named “Old Geoff”. A week later she was found murdered in her home.  Police have never traced “Old Geoff” and 35 years on, her killing remains Sunderland’s longest unsolved murder – despite a list of 6000 suspects. 

But could Margaret from the chip shop hold the key to solving this case?

1986 was also the year the bloody and brutal 300 year war between Britain and the Netherlands finally came to an end – we’re surprised you don’t remember it.

Along the way, a baby is stolen – but don’t worry, it’s just one of Janet and Allan Ahlberg’s odder children’s books. 

Gareth explains were all the humans have gone in Pixar’s Cars. Claire’s Christmas present is decided. John is bewildered by aspects of his wife’s romantic past. Berwick declares war on Russia.

Everyone Dies in Sunderland explores some of the darkest moments of North East history, and includes jokes. These jokes will never be at the expense of victims or their families and will always be at the expense of people who deserve to be mocked, robbed of their power and shown up for the idiots they really are. If you’re easily offended or personally connected to the events we’re discussing though,you probably shouldn’t listen.  

For all our snark, there could be someone still out there with a murderous hatred of women who has never been brought to justice. If anyone does have information that could help this or any other historic investigation then they can call police on 101 or report it anonymously through Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

Our theme music is the song “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: 

https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay

This is the inspiration for the Oh Hai, in case it made no sense at all https://youtu.be/pieK7b4KLL4 

Genius steals https://youtu.be/4LOj0T0sm_0 

“Sexting you at the mental health talk seems counterproductive”

It’s spooky season, so the gang takes a trip back to 1683, when the devil arrived in Country Durham and commanded a farm hand named Andrew Mills to murder three children with an axe in a crime described as “the most horrid and barbarous murder that was ever heard in the North”.

And if you so wish, you can try and summon the killer at midnight on Halloween - although you will have to go to the fancy hotel built on the site of the murder these days.

Look, we never said we were growing up terrified in the nineteen eighties. 

We also take a look at the poisoned baby food scare of 1988, when – without the excuse of demonic possession – Rodney Whitchelo put five babies in hospital by spiking their food with acid and razor blades in an attempt to blackmail Heinz. 

John is “desperately trying to be Victoria Coren Mitchell”. Jane is “perfectly memorable”. Gareth makes the devil sound like Rylan standing in your kitchen trying to bully you into getting a vasectomy. Harry’s get some free advertising they could probably do without. 

Along the way: The strange direction taken by the Air Bud franchise! Judith Kerr’s odder children’s books! Murderous Come Dine With Me! 

And if you want to recreate the urban myth of the Ferryhill Demon even though the buildings aren’t there anymore  the what three words is “sprinter.saloons.sulk”

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is the song “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: 

https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay

Some dogs are threatened with poisoned Pedigree Chum in this podcast.

“When you punish a person for dreaming his dream, don't expect him to thank you or forgive you, the Best Ever Death Metal Band out of Denton will in time both outpace and outlive you/ Hail Satan! Hail Satan! Hail Satan!”

In March 1988 Britain experienced an odd couple of weeks of public executions, lynchings and even a gun attack at a funeral. You’d think you’d remember it. 

In the concluding episode of our three episode series  the bodies of the so-called Gibraltar Three – IRA members shot in the street by the SAS – are returned home for burial, but a mourner at their funeral has murder in mind. This in turn will lead to another funeral in which two more people will lose their lives in events described as “the most dramatic and harrowing of the entire Troubles”  

The episode is literally called “The Funeral Murders”. Listener caution really is advised. 

Claire also remembers the cinema of 1988, including nudity in Who Framed Rodger Rabbit, Alan Rickman “doing a German accent and being all sexy and that” in Die Hard and more child sexual exploitation in Big than we remembered. 

Gareth also whets your Halloween whistle with some horror film recommendations – don’t say we don’t do nothing for you!

Along the way: Pornography at disused military bases! Pornography in children’s cartoons! The Lewis Hamilton of Pigeons! (He’s dating one of the Pussycat Dolls)  Benny Hill rape jokes! “Iron Man, but if Tony Stark had a drill for a penis”!

Gareth calls William the Conqueror “a prick”, Claire clearly lies about having seen Rain Main, John mistakes budgie purchasing for an extra-marital affair! Ted Bundy somehow gets involved in all this! 

And there shoutouts to friends of the show @The80sand90sCom @ladyjustice @fmwlpod and @drunktheory – hello! 

If you want to know more about this story, Natasha Engel’s excellent documentary (also called The Funeral Murders) is on Youtube here https://youtu.be/n2AX4zm6R10  - although you should obviously look for it on BBC Streaming Platforms first as these won’t have any associated copyright issues. 

Genuinely not making up that Benny Hill sketch you know https://youtu.be/MmbFdenAb7o 

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is the song “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: 

https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay

One dog was harmed during this podcast. And a bear gets shot up the bum. 

“Not *just* a manic depressive, toting around my own crown/I’ve got a positive message, sometimes I can’t get it out” 

In the spring of 1988, Britain lost its mind. Public executions. Lynching. A gunfight at a funeral. Four million chickens dying in the aftermath of an interview on regional TV. We’re genuinely surprised you don’t remember.

In the second of a three part series we examine the aftermath of the SAS’ very public killing of three IRA members in Gibraltar, as an establishment ties itself in knots trying to explain how three terrorists so determined to avoid casualties that they will go to extraordinary lengths to ensure their bomb only goes off at a specific time on a Tuesday afternoon are such a threat they have to be shot in the street on the preceding Sunday. 

We also take a look at Edwina Curries egg-ceptional efforts to make eggs terrifying! YES! EVEN OMLETTES WERE SCARY IN THE EIGHTIES.

Along the way, Nazi saplings! Pork scratching fatalities! Claire improves her snatch. Gareth doesn’t like egg puns. John has a business proposition for former England goalkeeper David Seaman. Edwina Currie is surprisingly vindicated.

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is the song “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: 

https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay  

Hello this week to @theJaMcastpod and @The80sand90s.com and of course @yeoldecrimepod and @oklahomicide. Always those guys. 

People might laugh at your tattoos, when they do get new ones in completely garish hues

In the spring of 1988, Britain lost its mind. Public executions. Lynching. A gunfight at a funeral. Unforeseen consequences for the makers of Count Duckula and Danger Mouse. We’re genuinely surprised you don’t remember.

In the first of a three part series, we return to March 1988, when the SAS used lethal force to prevent an IRA bomb attack in Gibraltar, when in retrospect they didn’t have to. Or, if you’re less charitable, the British government straight up murdered three people, in public, all unarmed and two actively trying to surrender. 

Along the way, Teletext! Now 10! SAILAWAYSAILAWAYSAILAWAY! Lethal sofas! Prince Charles almost dies skiing off-piste with Tara Palmer Tompkinson’s mum (not a euphemism)! 

John wonders why Dale Winton never got a “fake death” myth. Gareth almost gets a cameo in “Almost Sunny”. Claire is reminiscent of a sexy fish or an allegory for the Nazis. John Stonehouse dies again. 

What is your favourite ever Teletext page by the way? Do let us know! Seriously. We would love to know! 

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is usually the song “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: 

ttps://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay  

But this week it isn’t. 

“This really is an evocative song” https://youtu.be/xjUA3RU4B8E 

There is praise for Paul Rose/Mr Bffo and Scottish Murders

One dog was harmed in the making of this podcast. But not by us. 

Though you repent and don sackcloth and try to make nice, you can't cross the same river twice

On July 8th 1998, Stephen Sweeney didn’t come home from work. 

Maybe this wasn’t unusual – his furniture business had been struggling lately, so it’s to be expected that he was working every hour he could to keep the factory open. But he wasn’t answering his phone. And at 9pm his partner went to the Gateshead factory to see where he was. She found him shot dead at his desk. 

There was no sign of a struggle or break in – and nothing had been taken. There was a security guard on duty, but they saw or heard nothing. There was CCTV at the site but no sign of the gunman was recorded. 

What happened? 21 years later, we still don’t know. And the police interviewed a lot of bus passengers.

There’s also sexy literary parody, yoghurt and robot dogs.

Gareth has a birthday party for a labrador. Claire pursues an anti-tagine agenda and ends up tormented by rodents. John tries his hand at sports coaching.  

Along the way: Deep Blue Something! Killer Net! Spice World! 

For all our snark, Stephen’s partner and daughter deserve to know what happened, and Stephen deserves justice. If you know anything at all please call Gateshead East Area Command on 0191 221 9058.

Recommended podcasts: Maximum Power Up and Whatever Happened to McDonalds Pizza 

Bring yer dinner! https://youtu.be/XVj45yN72uU 

Chicks dig scars! https://youtu.be/Q6E4Oy6pFKQ 

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay  

Some animals were harmed during the making of this podcast. Again.

My self-esteem’s not low enough to date you.

Something you might not appreciate about climbing Everest is... it’s a bit fiddly. Lethally fiddly. And lethally chilly. And lethally tiring. 

In fact that 4% of people die while doing it. And in most cases, it’s impossible to recover their bodies. As a result there are as many as 300 dead bodies on the mountain, including the remains of David Sharp from Teesside. 

In 2006 he climbed Everest at the third attempt, but on his descent cold, fatigue and darkness forced him to take shelter in a cave – and as the story goes, 40 people walked past him as he slowly froze to death, but chose to summit instead of helping him. 

Obviously it’s a bit more nuanced than that.

Inspired by last week’s chat about Apaches we also remember the public information films of our era, a time when Jimmy Savile had some personal safety advice “for all you ladies” and children valued their kites and Frisbees enough to risk being blown to smithereens to retrieve them. Not like kids today!  

The gang also learns the true meaning of SPLINK.

Claire offers to shoot a dog for £1! Gareth is saved from third degree burns by Hale and Pace! John briefly considers making this an entirely Love Island-based podcast in an attempt to use the phrase “the Clausewitz of televised handjobs” as much as he can. 

Along the way: Let Loose! Apache Indian! Albion In The Orient! Mary Roach’s excellent book “Stiff”! An ambitious attempt to get some advertising cash out of What Three Words! 

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay  

Some animals were harmed during the making of this podcast.

I bought fireworks, a big bag in Pennsylvania/I'm gonna light em up
 when I get home to Jersey/ They'll probably arrest me, they'll probably ruin my whole summer/Stop taking pictures with your phone

On July 1st 2010 Raoul Moat was released from Durham prison. 5 days later - after the largest manhunt in Northumbria Police history – he would be dead, having shot three people, declared war on the police, seen 35,000 people join a supportive Facebook group and had a football legend in a dressing gown turn up to take him fishing.

But he was an utter dullard and we couldn’t care less.

This week we instead take a look at a remarkably similar case from 100 years earlier which saw a man called Tommy Craig also leave prison with murderous vengeance against his former fiancée and the authorities on his mind – and also accumulating an alarming amount of fans as he carried out his awful acts.

We also take a look at Harry Roberts, another surprisingly popular cop killer, “creative” baker and maddeningly competent driver FROM WHOM THERE IS MERCH AVAILABLE

And because we have a format to stick to we also travel back to 2010, the year of the Icelandic Ash Cloud, Deepwater Horizon, Swine Flu and, worst of all, Nick Clegg. Along the way, there’s also time to remember the Myrka, an unconvincing monster from Doctor Who, and Cyril Smith, an actual monster.   

Along the way: John checks a healthy child into intensive care so he can go for a Nandos! Gareth is a fox apologist! Claire kills another dog! Former Spurs midfielder David Howells swallows his tongue! One of British Sea Power falls out of a tree! 

Ingrid Pitt trying to karate kick a pantomime horse  https://youtu.be/jUCSlb-jhsU 

You can reach us on email [email protected], on Twitter at @everyonediespod, on Facebook and Instagram. 

Our theme music is “Steady Away” by Pete Dilley and can be found on his album Half-truths and Hearsay which you can/should buy/stream here: https://petedilley.bandcamp.com/album/half-truths-and-hearsay  

One thing that you must understand, We are the monsters of Sunderland, Seaburn to the burning sea, Darwinian animosity.