This life is not easy

And sometimes it is so hard and confusing as to be unbearable

Big things

All around us

And some days it’s just too much

I’ve been feeling this in my own life

And witnessing it in many others

And for all of the resourcing

And all of the self-regulation I practice

It does not go away

These resources do not ‘solve’ anything

They soothe

Soften

Make me more able to bring a mature, caring heart

To what would otherwise be existential panic

They slow me down

And offer a larger context

But they are no bypass

And the pain is there to be felt

Addressed

Processed

And I trust one day resolved

But I have to meet it as it is

Not in the promise of it becoming something else

Today I went and watched ‘planet earth’ to soothe myself

You know, bask in the majesty of nature

And let me tell you, it did not work

Life is a challenge all up and down the line

And sometimes the mystery, while full of marvels and beauty, feels brutal

We are truly in exhausting times

This week I’ve had several friends experiencing existential hardship

Wonderful, intelligent, caring people

For whom this moment of life includes incredible difficulty

That is real and present and hard to parse

And suddenly it became clear to me

They are, we are

The dot in the yin yang symbol, or the taichi

A point of light, surrounded by its opposite

A seed of one in a sea of the other

Holding an incredibly important role

But feeling so very out of place

Seemingly separate from the wave of its likeness

Sharing in its qualities and integrity

But feeling so lonely

Even though we know we’re together

It shows how much we need each others’ active care

How no one can go it alone

Because no matter how resourced,

Sometimes it feels like we are utterly by ourselves

And that idea itself needs care

Feeling separate from the larger wave is hard

But that larger wave truly is a source of sustenance

And the taichi represents energy in motion

This is a moment, a season

And in this season, our energy may be surrounded by its opposite

It won’t always be that way

But it’s hard to be available

To the breath

To the body

To each other

When we’re swimming in uncertainty

Cruelty

Or an impossible diagnosis

Still, our being expresses our nature

Even in a sea of its opposite

And that is strong

Brave

Holding our own

Even as everything is pressing down around it

If you’re in the wave right now,

Commit that feeling of connectedness to memory

Feel your power and the power around you

And ground in your nature and resources

And if you’re feeling like the dot

Remember

Life is in motion

‘No feeling is final’

and

You are not alone

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“Do I contradict myself

Very well then, I contradict myself

I am large

I contain multitudes”

-Walt WhitmanMy inner compass is powerful

I can generally feel my magnetic north

And when my mind gets involved

And talks me into a different orientation

I almost always deeply regret it.

So I’ve learned not to do that so much

But even as I learn to be steadfast to what calls me

I know that doesn’t mean the other options don’t exist

Or are bad

Just not for me

At this moment

I’m so clear on so many things

And so foggy on so many more

Which has been my achilles heel in this job search

But through Sue Choi’s work

I’m seeing that not only is being foggy OK, and natural

It’s essential.

It’s essential to let some things be blurry

In the periphery

So that our attention focuses

On that which piques our curiosity and sparks our imagination

Making a choice to move towards something specific

Right here right now, what i see in this moment

Not an imagined picture I’m looking to attain, but attention to what’s actually here

Which is profound for me

Because whilst I have been in this looking-for-a-job-confusion

I have been choosing again and again

Self-regulation. Alignment. Attunement.

This form and that form and a combination of both

My focus on this has been a choice

I really hadn’t seen it that way

It felt alternately like a cop-out and a genius priority

When it feels like a cop out, it feels passive

But when it feels genius, i can see the diligent action in it

And while it hasn’t helped me find a way to pay my rent

It has yielded a fertile field in which I can be still and receptive

And ironically, for a woman who eschews goal-setting

That was my desire all along

So the contradictions continue

Sometimes specific enough to make me laugh out loud

And to me that highlights the intense inclusion of life itself

This AND that

All having their place.

When I was in high school

Someone handed me a stack of multicolored 3x5 card stock

Each with a bit of spiritual wisdom

One of my favorites was:

“In part, everywhere

In whole, nowhere”

And I don’t mean to insult you

By spelling out the dual meaning

Of “nowhere” and “Now Here”

But I must

Because both aspects are vital

The wisdom of the world

Isn’t held in one place, position, or philosophy

Everything carries a part of it

No one part contains the whole of the truth

It’s the totality that sanctifies it

And wisdom’s configuration changes

As the dynamic assembly of the parts

Form a new and fresh whole

That sometimes contradicts what came before

But is just as integral as the last

Representing the fluidity of the whole in motion

Moment by moment by moment

Here

and

Now

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I believe something big is happening

Quantum

Probably galactic, but definitely planetary

And I believe humans are a part of it

But just a part

Specifically, I believe that for all of our destructive and extractive behaviors

Humans are not fully responsible for the change we’re undergoing

I believe there’s so much more at play

This soothes my nervous system

Because the Mystery is very life-positive

I picture it as if we’re on an airplane together

Humanity

And we are flying from where we were to where we’re going

The itinerary is set, and we’ve agreed to travel

I truly believe that as a species

We’re embarking on this journey towards deeper connection and care

But we’re not there yet

And the current flight air is turbulent

And we’ve got a ways to go

But how we spend this flight is up to us

And it’s meaningful

It will forge the quality of our experience

Though not our destination

We can spend our time worrying over every bump

Or we can distract ourselves with movies

We can sleep or read or write letters

We can chat with the person next to us

Or air grievances to the stewardess

All of our behavior on this flight

Is up to us, each individually

As we make our way towards someplace none of us has ever been

So, right now, I’m choosing to meditate a lot on this flight

To settle my attention into awareness

Of my body, of the life around me, of this moment

But, I should be honest

I spent the first part of the flight at the bar

Those tiny bottles were just so easy to drink

I might have gotten a little loud

And spent a lot of time and attention sketching out plans

To make the world more like i wanted it to be

My next leg of the journey was in the infirmary

Where there were many caring people

To help deal with my pain and confusion

And dontcha know this plane has a chapel

And I’ve cloistered myself in there, too

It’s been quite a long ride

And it’s nowhere near over

But we do get to choose how we spend this time

And we probably each will have many chapters

All sorts of ways we prepare for our landing

We’re having a simultaneously individual and shared experience

And if we care for ourselves and each other tenderly

Providing emotional dramamine as necessary

We can’t make the plane go faster

But we can improve the quality of our ride

Whether we hear it or not

The vibrations of our individual actions

Are writing our song

By the end, perhaps we’ll be singing in harmony

We are being led, guided, transported and shepherded

To a new landscape and language

We’re in transition, and this time in between is important

Our learning to care for ourselves and relate to each other

Is an amazing way to spend this time

So that as we arrive

We’ll be settled in ourselves

Connected to each other

Having bonded on our shared journey

Ready to step forth into Wonder

Because that’s where we Belong

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One of the most painful and corrosive habits I’ve had

Has been trying to do the right thing

Sounds crazy, right?

Isn’t that what we’re always doing

Using our intelligence and experience

To move towards pleasure and away from pain

To get the right answer

And avoid the wrong one?

I’ve come to realize

It’s an enormous distraction for me

It sets the world as a puzzle I’m trying to solve

Instead of a wonder I’m a part of

Striving to figure out the right answer

Keeps life treacherous

A rocky cliff

Where missteps can cost everything

And some magic formula shoots you right to the top

Never, literally, in my experience

Have those stakes been true

I’ve thought them to be true a hundred times

But the truly dangerous stuff, I’ve had little control over

And luck and timing have helped me far more than perfect planning

So maybe there’s no right answer

There’s just what’s here, and my choices in meeting it

How close I’m willing to get

How I let it inform my next choice

Life gets - well, easier isn’t the right word

But less perilous, for sure

In part because my trust in my own capacity grows

And my fear of doing it wrong diminishes

Our educational system creates unnatural structures

Where life is linear

And while some answers are clearly right and others clearly wrong

Truth be told, often things aren’t that distinct

I remember volunteering in my daughter’s 4th grade class

More than once - maybe four or five times in the one semester she attended-

I would be grading tests

And notice multiple answers were technically correct

The first time, I asked to see the chapter reading so I could assess which the test was truly asking for

And the teacher declined: ‘you don’t need to read it, just do what the key says’

It was so frustrating, and so false

Illusions of straightforwardness

May have made sense to produce an industrial workforce

But that’s not quite what we need anymore

And, institutionally, we’re slow to recognize

That just because something worked before

Doesn’t mean it’s what this moment calls for

I bring all of this up

Because I’m staring down my future

And I keep hearing advice

Either encouraging me to ‘manifest’

Or be careful not to misstep

And both schools of thought come from loving places

But I need to remind myself

Again and again

That attuning to the emergent future

Is where I want my energy focused

Not creating what I want

Or avoiding what I don’t want

I have life requirements I need to tend to

And the mix of fear and longing I’ve approached it with in the past

Just muddied the waters

I want to align to the flow of the waters

With trust in both the process of life

And my own capacity to meet it

Right thing

Wrong thing

Left foot

Right foot

All of it moves us forward

All of it knows our name

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I’m very busy on a molecular level

Whether I’m tending to my chores

Or lying on the couch

And I’ve decided to prioritize

That natural, constant, underlying motion

Of the dozen or so systems of my body

Modeling harmony

Working together

With each other

And with the dynamic inputs of the world

To keep my heart beating

And keep this organism

In homeostasis

It’s no small task

But our bodies are exceptional at it

Yet when profound stressors come

Allostasis kicks in

Natural processes responding to intensity

Maintaining stability through change

And bridging back

To allow homeostasis again

More inherent wisdom

Taking active steps

To accommodate any number of possibilities

And most of the time

All of this is happening without our knowledge or consent

Or interferenceMy poor, misguided brain

And all those years thinking it was in charge

Trying to direct the boat instead of take the ride

I’ve been sad numerous times today

Thinking about the unnecessary pain i’ve put myself through

My agony about the world and angst to improve it

All those moments thinking to be OK I had to be ‘there’

I’ve got a lot of compassion

But I also sense a belligerence

So much underlying anger

And a frightened “BUT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT RIGHT”

So many times when I sit and touch peace

These voices pipe up

About how much better it could be if I …

I know it’s an illusion

I know I live in a culture of performance optimizers

But I just want to cozy up with the invisible possibilities

To feel companionship with the unseen

Not trying to bend it to my will

But to listen for its music

And sway along

This period of overt destabilization has me tentative

Witnessing my situation more than directing it

(again the echoes inviting me to engage the power of my mind

And I have to take several breaths to remind myself

I’m choosing a different path)

And today I’ve been able to marvel at it

How well our furniture fits into this house

I feel like I’m being welcomed

And while I’ve got a whole lot to do

I’m feeling the resonance of the space itself

And tuning myself gently

Because I get to choose how I meet this moment

And it’s not going to be yelling at myself to do more

Because I’m sensitive to the delicate, invisible work

That underpins any other form of accomplishment

And the foundation developing now

Can see and appreciate and nurture

The harmony

And the way back to it

As intelligence itself

Choreographs our molecules

Even the stillness is alive

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I woke up this morning to rain that lasted for hours

In the middle of summer. In the desert.

I think life is inviting me to set aside

What I think I know

To simply be

And to witness its unfolding

As my own

Not based on my thoughts, or even my experience

But rooted in openness - receiving and relating

With ample space for surprise

Did you know trees have pulses?

We didn’t know it for the longest time

Because our human heartbeats are fast: 70-90 beats per minute

But the capillary action that pumps water from the roots to the crown of a tree

And pulls down the carbon for sequestration

Takes many hours for a single ‘beat’

But by no means does that reduce the value of its action

Indeed, it makes it more precise

Responding to how much water is in the soil

The temperature and requirements of the day

If I can slow myself down into ‘tree time’

How much more perceptive can I be?

How much more would I be willing to see?

When you’re operating so deliberately

Is there room for expectation?

When we’re busy letting our hearts blend heaven and earth

As we’re all naturally created to do

I want to sit in the possibility

That my inherent design is enough

I don’t need to plan my improvement

I think goal setting is a lot like candy

It’s designed to be colorful and tasty

A bit addictive, a whole lot of tummy aches

For me, at least at this moment, of dubious nutritional value

There’s real freedom in slowing down, accepting

An expansiveness that isn’t compelled to predict what’s next

A receptivity to the full host of possibilities

That’s where my juice is

I moved here thinking one thing

And life is already showing me otherwise

I’m especially lucky because I’m fresh out of ideas of what should be

So can be especially receptive to what comes as it comes

Because I’m really not interested in writing my own story

I’m interested in our story, life’s story, and the power of this moment, as it is

I want to be slow like the tree

So I can fully feel the relief

And take in the refreshment

Of the unexpected desert rain

Arriving right on (its own) time

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My nervous system is changed

I’m more settled than I’ve been in some time

Even as I stare down 100 boxes

And seemingly endless odds and ends

It might be entering a totally new biome

It might be the intensity of practices these last months

It might be sheer exhaustion

Doesn’t really matter

I’m appreciating the spaciousness

Right here in the middle of my overwhelm

Suddenly, I’m somatically comfortable with the not knowing

I work on that quite a bit

Comfort with Discomfort

Curiosity over control

And my moment-to-moment experience varies

But this moment is calm

Perhaps some numbness

But I can feel a whole lot of my body

Given the lifting and cleaning

There’s a lovely resigned-ness

Not in a hurry to set up this new house

And run out and get a job

Even though both those things need to happen

And they will

But a silence

An acknowledgement that the last few months have been a lot

That shifting addresses is crossing a threshold

And there’s this liminal space I’m inhabiting

Where there’s an absence of pressure

Even in the internal dialogue

I am treasuring this moment

Even though I’m not out of the woods

Not by a longshot

But there’s space

And wonder

And that in itself is rest.

For much of the last several weeks

I employed a 45 minutes of work

15 minutes of rest rhythm

Which I’ve found to be remarkably productive

And steeped in self-care

Saturday and Sunday, of course, blew that pattern

And I thought I’d be wrecked today

But I’m not

I’m resting a lot

And moving from inspired action

And when that action dissolves

I’m resting again

I got more done today than I intended

Either thanks to the restful approach of the day

Or the foundation of the patterning of these weeks

Not sure

Don’t need to know

Just appreciating the pause

Between the ending

And the beginning

The in-between

Today’s home

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Thank you for going on the Ganesha journey with me

As I said, I’ve waited a long time to share it

And transcribing it, and imbedding the reflections on it into my days

These very specific and challenging days

Has been simultaneously grounding and lightening

We are moving today and tomorrow

To Indio, near Palm Desert

About 2 hours away

That serves many of our purposes

And all of the ones focused on our pup’s ease

The financial crunch is prominent

But because this is so much more affordable

We’ll be able to take a breath

As we chart a new course

Having these principles this week

Really set the tenor

Within which to meet the many unexpected challenges

Making the bumps along the way

Not impediments

But just what’s requiring our attention

And because Patience Demonstrates Faith As Knowledge

I can know that everything is becoming

And what’s before me right now can receive my attention

Less steeped in resistance or frustration

But welcomed into trustTrust that doesn’t absolve me of the work

But gives the work purpose

Devotion to welcoming the present moment

It’s made all the difference

And i couldn’t have, wouldn’t have, done it without you.

Thank you for being with me

I feel and appreciate your support❤️

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It had been a pretty exciting week

I knew I was in the middle of something I’d remember forever

But I also had busy days with little kids

And the days all kindof blended together

And I hadn’t quite counted if it had been a full week

So, the night after the equality lesson

I tried to sit to meditate numerous times

But my one year old had a fever

And was up quite a bit

By the time he settled

I was too exhausted to meditate

And just went to bed

Chiding myself for blowing my final date with the divine

So the next evening, I went into meditation

Dripping with apology and self recrimination

But, finally, sitting

And as my chime rung out

And I hunched my shoulders

In it came,

A final lesson, this time more of an impression:

Check your math. You did the week. So, here’s your final message:

Quit beating yourself up for what you think you did wrong.

Often, that assessment is inaccurate.I went and checked my math

I had done the 7 nights

All that energy I’d spent being angry at myself

Didn’t need to have happened

How often I do that

How often am I wrong?

What a waste of energy!

How might I better use that energy?

I could think of a lot of ways

But, boy I had bad habits

I turn against myself in little bits

All the time

I’d like not to do that anymore

But I do

And little by little, I continue to grow more conscious of it

See the grand ones and also the sneaky bits

How to reprogram myself?

All the other lessons

Each of them invite softening

Accepting

With room for inspired action

As well as release

I’d received a bespoke guidebook

Delivered directly into my heart

With a slow yet consistent unfolding

That continues to invite me

To deeper levels of attunement

To currents that have existed eternally

And weave the fabric of life

And every bit of alignment to them

Softens and strengthens my heart

To live where there is love

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I went into meditation on the seventh night

Full of frustrations about a variety of people and events

And like the previous nights

Whether deep meditation, or surface sitting

After my chime rang

I received a message, clear as a bell:

We are all equal. All of us. Seriously.

You can see my resistance to it was built into its structure.

It’s so hard to hold this thought

When you’re certain many people are behaving very poorly.

But it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

There’s a line in A Course In Miracles

Where Jesus says

And I paraphrase, but I’m close:

I have nothing you don’t have. God gives to All Equally.

The difference between us Now, is that I have Nothing Else.

That blew my mind.

Instead of reaching to develop our divine nature

Excavating the layers on top of our inherent divinity

I liked that reorientation very much

And i felt it explained all of the discomfort i felt

About philosophy’s “problem of evil”

It’s the mud atop the golden buddha

Taken as a whole, this week of messages

Clearly invited a softer way of living

Setting down my pictures of what success looks like

Being open to learning more

To trust myself, and not criticize others

To be flexible

To be patient

And to get off the ladder of judgment and comparison

The constant measurement of who’s right

And where we stand

We stand together

Even if we’re falling apart

Because the truth is, we’re moving in rhythms

Just like the elements all around us

Combining successfully and catastrophically

And moving on to the next iteration

Creation itself is creating through us

And through everything else, simultaneously.

We all have had the experience of something we thought wrong

Ending up being right

We can offer that grace preemptively to everything

When we recognize the Divine in All

This 7th message

Primed me for the work of Paul Selig

Whose Guides are very adamant

About the holiness of everything

And that what keeps us from it is simply

Denial of the Divine

To deny the divine in another is to deny it in yourself

We don’t have to approve of someone

To recognize they’re part of the same mystery we are

And that goes for situations, actions and events

The edict is everywhere

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

The Tao nurtures all things equally

All humans are considered equal in the eyes of Allah

The fastest way to recognize your own divine nature, is to recognize everyone else’s

Because we are all equal

And we all have our role to play

And none of us is in charge

None of us

And when I remember that

I can look at the craziness in the world

Or in my life

And remember the elements

Swirling, combining

Forming and unforming life

The sun shines on all of us

Equally

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