When you’re hypnotized and quacking like a duck

You don’t even know it

And you come back into regular life feeling fine

Then someone says a trigger word and

Quack, quack, quack.

We like to think we’re in charge of our thoughts and actions

But we are influenced in a thousand ways

Each of us differently

And the effort and intent toward self-actualization or mutual awakening

Is still subject to our layers of hypnosis

Which is at once frustrating and wonderful

Frustrating because we’re doing all this work, and still have great big blind spots or relapses

Wonderful because it’s a demonstration of our interconnectivity with all of life and reliance on the mystery

I have a deep and rich and nourishing relationship with my inner being, nature, and my sense of the divine

I am awake in places and asleep in places

And the part of me that is unsatisfied that i am not fully awake

Is my own personal tyrant who thinks I am solely responsible for everything about my life

As if I exist in isolation. I don’t. None of us do.

I spend a decent amount of time in contentment, trust and curiosity

But say the word ‘job’ and I’m standing on one foot playing an invisible violin.

Just like you probably saw and could name my anxiety when I couldn’t yet

When things become available to us isn’t always up to us

We need each other to remind each other

But that doesn’t mean our reminders are going to ‘take’ each time

We sing the songs of love to each other and sometimes it feels like no one’s listening

And then one day, we find ourselves humming along

It sticks when it sticks - and we don’t get to control it

We are becoming and we’re part of an unfolding intelligence

We’re not supposed to be fully baked

We cannot help but be always in the process of becoming

And we are becoming

Ridiculous example:

Years ago, my dentist told me I brushed my teeth too vigorously

She showed me how I should be doing it

I spent about a month in frustrated quasi-patience trying to do it right

It was a long and frustrating month and I made exactly no progress

So i decided to let myself off the hook

About a year later, I watched my sister brushing the hell out of her teeth

And realized, some time after quitting trying, I’d become a gentle brusher

We are entirely in charge of our direction and devotion

But our unfolding is in the hands of the mystery

Not to worry

While she’s got a great sense of humor

And may entertain the audience with our unconscious antics

She can also snap her fingers and wake us up

We’re all just part of the show

But we can trust

We’re in good hands

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We actually had two wedding ceremonies.

One on the 2nd of October on our porch, and another on the 7th with guests at our friend’s home

As with most holidays for our family, our anniversary is more of a season than a day.

I was never in a hurry to get married

And as I entered my 30’s and people inquired about my intentions I would say

“When I really want to get married, I’ll volunteer for Habitat for Humanity for a month”

I figured that was where I’d meet the kind of person I’d want to marry.

When Tucker divulged that he spent his high school summers

Volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.

I thought, “Oh, thank God…he saved me a trip”

I am a very helpful and resourceful person

But you do not want me building your house.

Turns out my instinct was right on, though, and you know how that story continues…

But, we had been told I wouldn’t be able to have children without extraordinary measures

And we had that conversation and decided not to take them

Doctors are not always right, though, and our daughter was born 50 weeks after our wedding

That was a big change in plan

Anyhow, after having children, I developed PMS

I hadn’t really had it before, and I was never great at tracking my always irregular cycle

So it came as a surprise to me every single month

And as I would feel a very specific flavor of depressed and irritable

Tucker would say, in the kindest way possible,

“I don’t want to be that guy, but do you think maybe…this might have something to do with…”

And I was so relieved

I was so grateful he recognized the pattern I was living but not seeing

I could meet the symptoms entirely differently when I understood the context

That’s how I feel about this naming of anxiety

My financial instability is just the chew toy a larger anxiety has been working through

The dichotomy I’ve been contending with

Between grounded engagement and relentless rejection

Felt like something was wrong. Pathological.

And yes, not working is a problem. But it’s not THE problem.

I’ve been trying to sort out where THE problem is throughout this time

Is it me? Is it the language on my resume?

Is it the world? Is it ageism? Do I smell?

The real problem has been my desperation to escape the condition

Come on, now. I know. You were probably there months ago and I’m just coming around

But the good news is I have a very open toolchest full of tools

and companions (thank you) who can let me be all of this.

Another thing about my husband

When he proposed, with a ring he designed

He included alexandrite, a gem whose color shifts from green to red depending on the light

As a capricorn, who is rooted, structured and disciplined

He used my birth stone (which I thought was pearl. I’m always learning from this guy)

To acknowledge his acceptance of my changing nature.

As you can ascertain: my husband was worth waiting for

I am starting to believe the idea that my next job will have been, too.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

You want your rheumatoid factor to be under 15, if you have one at all

At 60, you’ve got a severe case of rheumatoid arthritis

My factor is 160, so my diagnosis was pretty clear

When I told my doctor I wanted my first course of action to be homeopathic

He told me he’d only treat me naturally if I was seeing a therapist concurrently

That therapist was wonderful

And after just a few sessions, she suggested I experienced significant anxiety

I was somewhat shocked. I’ve always considered myself very Type B

But as she described it, I recognized it in my body

Which, in retrospect, may have been my very first somatic experiencing

And with breath and noticing and softness

A lot of things began to unravel emotionally as I met that anxiety I had never named before.

Sitting with myself today

I remembered that time and that feeling and those processes

And came to two important realizations:

One, I have existential anxiety funneling through my professional life

Two, I know how to meet it once it’s named.

The unwinding I experienced during my first dance with anxiety

Was slow and unpredictable, and very, very generative.

Lately, feeling that low level (or not so low level) panic and trying so hard to end it

Wow. That’s been a lot.

Tightness in my face, my heart, the pit of my stomach, aches in my shoulders…

I have a friend who sees a visceral manipulation therapist

Who posits that the structural tensions of trauma must be literally caressed back into function

That the mind knowing a trauma is over is inadequate

There must be physical encouragement, reminding, restoration

And how, after surgery, the muscles around the incision need to be repeatedly realigned

And how rarely that’s done

All of this to say, I have a new insight to inform my physical practices

To meet this specific, persistent strain and anxiety

Naming it has unlocked something that has been stuck, for all my best efforts

There’s a little more space, room for possibility

And while I can’t afford bodywork, I can caress myself back into function

Between Sue Choi, QiGong, Tai Chi, and a little self massage with focus and intention

I can move some energy already.

Stress is hard enough - and i’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to translate it into growth

Now I can discern that it’s been encased in a thick layer of anxiety

And I can break that glass

Because I’m tired of emergency

And ready for emergence.

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Just as engaging my posture and breath almost immediately soothes my nervous system

Looking for a job almost immediately agitates it

I can psych myself conceptually about a new industry or tactic

But when fingers hit keyboard and resumes are uploaded, i don’t last long

Breaths are taken, calm is resumed

But eventually i’m back to the application process

And the compounding rejection is almost comically consistent month after month

I recently counseled someone to apply their own somatic teachings to their business model

So, how do I apply my life philosophy to my employment status?

I believe that everything is divine

So this situation is - and only my resistance to it is the source of my pain

OK, I can see that

But how to live with this without yo-yo’ing between calm and exasperation?

I’m not sure

And this may be processing more than my usual posts

But a candid exploration feels like it might be productive.

My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 6

Leaving my mom to manage treatments and 5 kids

As the youngest, I’d determined that being helpful would be the way I’d earn love

And i was very helpful

Many years later, when I became ill, it was a real identity crisis to need help instead of give it

And i thought i’d come a long way

But i can feel how absolutely intolerable it is for me to not pull my weight

The desperation not contributing profoundly elicits

Now, I’m completely clear that I contribute enormously to my family in many important ways

But there’s something about this financial piece that’s sticky

And the left foot/right foot of calm surrender and hopeful/dubious/exhausted effort I’ve been approaching this with

Is not moving the needle

Now, I’m a smart, sensitive human

Repeating this non-working pattern so intensely makes no sense

I’m clearly touching a part that isn’t appropriately resourced

Even as I’ve been pouring processes, rituals and space into it

The ache to succeed, to participate, to be valuable remains.

When I was in great physical pain

Sometimes I would imagine myself and my pain

Sitting next to each other on adirondack chairs, looking out at a beautiful view

Just coexisting

I found it helpful.

I have been trying to be with my experience, my emotions, and my inconsistencies throughout this process

But I can now recognize I’ve been doing it with the intent to solve it

You can see how that’s panned out.

So, with specific intention to simply be with

I’m going to be sitting with this ache

Overlooking a desert landscape

Not looking for an oasis or waiting for the sun to set

But with tender compassion

For myself and for the boundless pain that exists in the world

And its beauty as well

You know I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

As we approached the winter of 1999

And the potential unraveling predicted due to the Y2K bug

Most of the programmers I worked with had survival kits & bunkers

I lived on a lake and had a wood burning stove, so I wasn’t worried

But the speculation on technological collapse and societal upheaval continued

Right up until it didn’t.

Similarly, as December 2012 approached

Many of us were curious what the end of the Mayan calendar might mean for humanity

Turned out, not a lot.

But the cultural energy was riled

And all of the hubbub turned out to be unnecessary

1999 and 2012 each held the potential for massive societal change that didn’t materialize

But, as it turns out, they both offered massive personal change in my own life

1999 was the year I met my husband, and my life was completely different from then on

2012, December 21 specifically, is when we pulled our kids out of school and unintentionally began ‘unschooling’

The end of a district-wide calendar having control over our family’s life

Changed everything

So once again, I had this very personal experience of what was supposed to be a broad cultural movement

And this may be part of why I’ve become so comfortable

With my context of Inner Activism

And why, as I witness the atrocities in human rights going on

I again have to turn to how I’m treating my most vulnerable parts and each person I meet

Committing to care

Finding a place to volunteer in my community

As a reciprocal action of inner touching outer

Because the mystery is in charge

I got so many rejection letters this week, there’s no way I can keep doing what I’ve been doing

Maybe my breakdown’s breakthrough can’t help but emerge

When I stop trying to enact the prophecy of ‘getting a job’ as I think it should look

Maybe there’s an entirely different interpretation that will make sense in retrospect

As Kierkegaard said,

“Life can only be understood backwards

But it must be lived forwards.”

I’m curious what my forward looks like

Without past referencing

Because those structures simply won’t have me

And whatever fear I had about failing

Has been well and truly experienced again and again

So, here, 90 days into this daily inquiry

I have to ask

What might what’s next for me look like if not any of the things that I thought?

And I breathe, and I feel, and I invoke my curiousity

As I grieve a startling number of failed efforts

Because I have no idea what to do

But, maybe that’s just where I need to be.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The day my husband introduced himself to me

The final day before GM’s annual 2 week shutdown

When he substituted for a team member

At a meeting I was convening

I distinctly remember thinking

“Isn’t that cute, this farm boy coming over to meet me…

Why can’t Mr. Wonderful come introduce himself to me like this?”

I was 31, he was 24

But he’s an old soul

[I was told at 18 I was going to marry someone younger than me, and thought the guy was an idiot. He was not.]

Two women we worked tricked us into touching base with each other over the ensuing months

And when one of them returned from 3 weeks in Japan and said,

“He is the best person I’ve ever traveled with”

I actually remember my interest in him changing as she finished her sentence.

26 years later, we are celebrating our 24th anniversary

Our wedding date was 10-02-2001

We got married on our lakeside porch on a Tuesday to secure the palindrome

Another sign things were meant to be:

My father’s name was Guy, my mother’s name is Jackie

His mother’s name was Gay, his father’s name was Jack

Astrology did not bode well for us, though

Capricorns are warned to stay far away from Gemini

And in the Chinese zodiac, his tiger and my monkey are inauspicious

But all these years later I can tell you

I have felt loved every single day

And I have loved him every single day

The first 12 or so years, I was surprised every day

I’m happy to report I’ve settled into it

He’s been a tremendously caring and available father

And a profoundly engaged partner

He knows how to fix things, invent things and build things

And he cleans up after himself when he’s done

He’s a total unicorn

He’s put up with more than he should have to

And I’m incredibly lucky to spend each day with him

He’s let me share our difficulties with only minimal flinching

And been supportive truly every day all these years

My heart breaks at my inability to provide meaningful income these last many years

He deserves someone who can pull their own weight

Still he wakes up kind and calm and happy every day

And I am clear I am among the luckiest women in the world

I can vouch for the ‘best person to travel with’ moniker

Although at this moment we’re most content staying close to home

We’ve raised two children to adulthood, which has been wonderful

But, as ‘our song’ says The Best Is Yet To Come

And, with him, I believe it.

I never imagined I could feel so peaceful in my heart

So calm in my mind, so balanced in my days

For all my practices, it’s the field we’ve created that makes it possible

Thank you, Tucker

Happy Anniversary, My Love

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I know a lot of people

I do not know anyone who does not have problems

I know people who won’t talk about their problems

And people who won’t shut up about them

I know people who handle their problems gracefully

And people who pretend they don’t exist

I know people who parlay problems into opportunities

But new problems still arise

Indeed, there’s a carousel of problems that arise

Like the wheel of fortune

Physical problems, financial problems, emotional problems

Relational, existential, social

Some we’re better equipped to deal with than others

Some we have support structures for

But are high and dry when a different kind befall us

All of this leads me to believe

Problems are intrinsic to the design of life

And while I feel our culture has had me chasing a problem-free life

I don’t know if that’s true

And I certainly know such a life does not exist

Not to say there isn’t a way to live life

That embraces problems as enthusiastically as it embraces good fortune

As just the next step, what facilitates evolution

But even then, how to move through the pain of it?

In evaluating my own life

Areas of profound or relative comfort

Areas of profound or relative discomfort

All swirling about, making up the story as I know it

Comparing it to a story I somehow hold of an exclusively positive life

As being a reward for being good, or even validating true effort

I don’t know where I got that story

Or how I believed it

Or, even, not believing it still dangle it over my head tauntingly

When I come back to my breath

There’s patience and curiosity

And lots of compassion

Because even as I continue to be in this difficult place

I’m clear that everyone is experiencing a challenge

And while we may have fantasies of evolving into a life without problems

More poignantly, we’re just trying to get through the day

And you know what helps?

Breath. Nature. Movement. Rest.

And most of all: Companionship

Thanks for being here.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

A coach, a headhunter, and a CEO enter a zoom room…

Sounds like the start of a joke, right?

I mean, they didn’t intend it to be

But by the time they were done, i saw that was exactly what it was

They were part of a group of high net worth individuals

Aiming to solve the problems on earth

They believe only entrepreneurship can effectively address

I can get their marginalization of government

And for a moment, it felt like a real boon to even be in the meeting

But when I asked, “where is nature represented in this discussion”

They brushed me off as missing the obvious: “All of this is in service of nature”

I couldn’t help but feel like this was a meeting to decide a person’s fate

Without including the person

Indeed, excluding the person from the discussion

Patriarchal culture is so certain it knows what’s best

It really doesn’t need to consult those whom they impact

I see it everywhere

The patriarchal dynamic doesn’t just mean ‘men’ either

Lord knows I operated from a patriarchal orientation, even certain I was a feminist

And as I’ve dismantled it in myself

I’ve come to equate patriarchy with the thinking brain - intolerant of feeling

Much like Joseph Campbell’s hero and tyrant:

The tyrant, assured of his exceptionality, is the being of self-achieved independence

Not reliant on anyone or anything

Holding himself above it as he seeks to control it

The hero, on the other hand, is the being of self-achieved submission

A willingness to be in relationship with the world

To expect and receive help as he gives his best effort

The hero submits to life as it’s living

Not an inflated idea of what it should be.

Here in the job hunt

The folks who market themselves well

As knowing, achieving, dominating

Are faring better than the likes of me

But our time is coming, us listeners, carers

And in the meanwhile

I’ll continue to deconstruct any golden or ivory towers I once held myself in

To build the road as i walk it

Listening to the landscape

And surrendering to sentience

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On the first day of first grade, I broke into tears.“Why are you crying?” the teacher asked.“I forgot my psychology book!” I sobbed.

The first day of first grade.I had a sister in high school.I must have overheard her.What a sign of things to come.

I lived under that kind of self-imposed pressure for a long time—chasing impossible expectations,trying to achieve a world instead of participating in one.

It took prolonged illness to slow me down enough to listen—to life, my body, people, nature.And it was worth every ache and procedure.

Because sensitivity, which seemed a distraction during the chaseis now at the heart of everything I value.

And while the instinct to over-expect from myself still pops up,it now meets a practice of breathing in the present momentnoticing tension, releasing to gravity, listening to sensation.

Turns out:Stress morphs into carewhen you stop trying to construct somethingand start trying to get to know something.

Simplicity overtakes the storieswhen the only goal is to be present and relational with what is

We receive hundreds of messages daily telling us to speed up.Let this be our reminder:Slowing down is always available

But it’s too much to think we should be able to ‘just do it’

It takes a field—a shared rhythm—to remember.

Me writing this.You reading.The kind word shared with a flustered cashier.Looking others in the eye.

This is the active, supportive work:That brings us back to ourselves

To feel, share, connect, become

So let’s set down the psychology book, all those expectations

And pick up some crayonsThis isn’t a test or a trick

it’s life

it’s precious

let’s get to play

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My husband has a story about an unassuming demigod on earth

He is humble and kind, unaware of his origins

And wherever he goes, people bow to him

Mind you, no one knows they are bowing to him

Someone sneezes

Or picks up a penny

One ties his shoes

Another pets their dog, who is also at an incline

Even the flowers are in on the act

With the breeze gently tipping their petals

And so it goes

And no one notices

But it’s happening

Research continues to demonstrate

That earth’s flora engages in a wide array of communication

With kin, with companions, with us

Trees have multiple channels in air and soil

Warning of predators or other conditions

Mycelial networks broker nutrient exchanges

Houseplants know when you come home

The world is far more alive than the dominant cultural story has allowed us to believe

That story teaches us to use flora and fauna, but not listen to them

But there are many who have always heard the song, and sing back

And after centuries of silencing those voices

Perhaps we can begin to amplify them

Even growing up in a culture marginalizing the non-human world

Most of us attune to nature from time to time

During a walk in the woods

A particularly captivating sunset

And when we do, it’s a whole body experience

Because the song of nature isn’t singing to our thinking minds

It is resonating throughout our natural being

The whole of the world

Singing to the whole of us

And in those moments when we’re at our most receptive

When awe and wonder are the most natural responses to the world

The beauty of nature is on full display

The signal of nature is cutting through the noise of culture

It’s multidimensionality bursts forth from the backdrop it was relegated to

We are within the splendor

Instead of walking through it

I believe we’re in for more of these moments

As we slow down

As we attune

As we acknowledge and respect

The nonverbal languages

Relentlessly singing the song of being

Ones that we sing, too

As we bow to the holy all around us

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com