Falling Gently Podcast

Imagine yourself as the concrete of a pool

The walls, floor, edge and stairs

That’s you, as a parent

The water is the world

And children, when they’re little

LOVE YOU

They mostly stay on the stairs

When they venture out, they come immediately back

The stairs are where it’s at for little ones

They could spend all day there

And often do.

As kids get older, they get bolder

They spend more time in the water itself

But they’re still very reliant on the edges

Holding on between laps or underwater headstands

The edges are a godsend to young swimmers

Relief. Rest. Rejuvenation.

And they’re able to go back into the depths of the water to play

Because they know the edges are there

They’ll get a break when they need one

That means a lot

Freedom AND security.

Teenagers are a whole different story

They dive in, barely touching the edge

They can tread water virtually endlessly

And it seems the only time they come over to the edge and hold on

Is to push off with their feet to give themselves momentum back into the center.

Which is exactly what you want them to do:

Get lift off and participate fully in the world

But it doesn’t mean that push doesn’t hurt a little

Even if we’re supposed to be concrete.

This metaphor helped me through my kids teen years

When home sometimes felt like the last place they wanted to be

And when they were home, they often left with a push

Don’t get me wrong

My kids have been quite lovely most of their lives

But there have been moments when remembering this has kept me afloat

It’s a metaphor I’ve shared 100 times

And now I share it with you

It’s great being a pool, and having your kids incrementally gain independence

It’s great to have them develop their skills in an environment you can largely contain

The pushing off is natural, too

And prepares both sides for the end of summer

My kids are off swimming in the ocean now

They snorkel and surf and may take up scuba

Adventures await, and I trust their capacity to navigate the currents

I’m not sure what happens to the pool at the end of this metaphor

I’ve heard you can turn them into sunken greenhouses

That feels like a lot of work

Maybe we drain it and take up skateboarding

That would require a whole lot of kneepads

Whatever, a new phase is coming

Time will tell.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Today I am feeling like a complete and utter failure

It is uncomfortable

I have a lot of ideas about how I can potentially move forward

But I am overwhelmed in this moment

In part by all that I have planned and yet not done

Like get a job. WTF. How can it be this hard?

Anyhow, when we’re overwhelmed like this

Working on big projects just isn’t possible

But working on something small can be very helpful

Something too small and familiar to fail

(this is why games like candy crush captivate people’s attention for hours on end)

Anyhow, there has been one little thread I dropped

In the first weeks of this substack

I’m going to pick up

It’s small. Manageable.

It may be interesting, it may not be, but it won’t be hanging there anymore.

Two very significant entries as I laid the foundation of this documentary

Set the stage for my trying to give myself space

That what feels awful in the moment

May become a true blessing

Demonstrations that resistance to life is where the suffering resides

A reminder I can use right about now

The first of these entries, Part One, was about a second surgery for my dog.

And had a bonus fractal lesson from a minivan salesman named Lester Brown.

Part Two involved pharmaceutical intervention for rheumatoid arthritis

After more than a decade of devotion to more natural methods.

I’d said there was a Part Three but never wrote it.

So here it is:

Hip surgery.

Arthritis ravaged my joints for years, always bilaterally

But my left hip had a hard stop

I had a slight limp (I call it slight. Sometimes it was more than that)

But, I couldn’t do child’s pose

I tried all kinds of yoga therapy, moved to tai chi, qigong, massage…

Nothing helped at all

This was during my ‘avoiding relying on western medicine’ phase

But I went to the doctor for an xray to see if there was a structural deformity causing the impediment

She laughed out loud

I think she said something like

“that’s like asking me to inspect your smoke detectors while your house is on fire”

She put me on the list for a replacement

And I figured i’d just defer when my name came up

I had no intention of getting a hip replacement

But it was bone on bone

Having deteriorated gradually after a ski accident I had in 1998

Which led to a back surgery in 1999

But my hip didn’t catch anyone’s eye then.

So, as my limp got worse

And the pain grew

I had changed my tune by the time my name came up for a total hip replacement

And so i got the surgery, much to the distress of my naturopath

I bit the bullet

And was walking upright the very next day.

My volunteer job colleagues didn’t recognize me when I got back to work

I was much taller than they remembered

More stable

Less fragile

And i haven’t had a moments problem with my hip since.

Little side note:

That ski accident in 1998?

I DID NOT want to go skiing that day

I was pressured into it by the three people I was with

I paid dearly and for decades for not listening to myself

Whenever I think about it, I vow to heed my inner wisdom

And I’ll admit:

I’m getting better at it.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The Sea of Tranquility and the Sea of Serenity

Watch over us every night

Often illuminated

Sometimes sharing in the darkness of our night sky

Of course we know they are not what we consider seas

The moon not having water and all

But those large dark spots on the left side of the moon

Are reliable

And I love that noticing them invokes tranquility and serenity in me just by association

That’s some high quality naming, IMHO

Which is especially important when we see something every single day

Which is a little bit weird

Because we’re rotating, the moon is rotating, both of us are spiraling through space chasing the sun

And yet we see the same view of the moon every night

The reason is called tidal locking, charmingly demonstrated here

Which is very common between planets and their larger moons

And it has me thinking about familiarity

How we sometimes forget the newness and vibrancy of people we love

Because we keep seeing the same side of them

There’s more to them

To everyone

So much more than we can see from any one particular point of view

Which never shows us the whole picture,

And often the habits of exchange we’re in together

Keep us in a loop

Where we can even forget some of our own finer qualities exist

Much less fail to recognize the unseen in another

Today i came across this image of a side of the earth we do not often see

Because the earth is a sphere, we’re only seeing about 30% of it from any given angle

Which happens to be about how much of the earth is Pacific Ocean

Feel how your body receives this image of the earth

The Disney film Lilo & Stitch is actually centered on this view of earth

Where a bureaucrat saw earth from this angle

And convinced his superiors that earth was a wildlife preserve primarily covered in water

Of course, Stitch landed on Hawaii, right there practically in the center

Hijinx ensued.

But looking at this image of the Pacific Ocean

Indeed pacifies me.

More great naming.

I know that on the side that I can’t see in this picture

All hell seems to be breaking loose

But this side is big and spacious

And every bit as full of life and with it’s own share of drama

And I have just about as much control over it

As I do over the other side

As I do over the far side of the moon

(Oh, I know we all think of it as Pink Floyd suggested

But in truth the far side is not always dark, it’s just not visible to us)

(Photo Credits: NASA/NOAA)

Which just goes to show

There’s much more to most things than meets the eye

And it’s so very worth getting a new perspective on things and people

Recognizing their valid and true wholeness involves more than we can ever see

And far more than our habitual ways of seeing

If I can offer one little practice to anchor today’s musings

Take a breath into your back

We spend so much time focusing on the front of our body and what’s in front of us

Just for a breath or two, sense into your back and what’s behind you

Though often unsung

There’s a reason it’s called the backbone

It’s support and strength and stability

Is what all that frontal work depends on

Props are due.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I was built for this moment

By the specific trials of my childhood

Now amplified as our current political landscape

A patriarchal system with an unstable individual at the helm…

My dad had a diagnosis that included the onset of periodic rage

There’s no reasoning with that, no preparing for what might come next

Just a need to be ready for anything.

The dynamic between my siblings was not a model of supportiveness

There was a fair amount of acrimony

Blame, annoyance, mutual frustration

We lived together, but it was mostly an endurance game.

I did not find any more warmth or safety in my school or community

And while I’m told I had an invisible friend named Brownie I wish I remembered

My most pronounced friendships were with trees

My nervous system could settle within the branches or the grass beneath

In a way it could not in my home or classroom or playground

That sustained me

I had no idea how much. I just thought I was lonely and wasn’t welcomed in many more places.

I’m so grateful for the shelter the trees offered me, the safety

And their other gifts and lessons, too

Letting me know that the answer to social chaos, cruelty and exclusion

Is attuning to the natural world

Letting ourselves be held

Noticing the infinite natural processes, stories and stillness

Stepping out of the human-centric world

And into the bigger world

There’s more room to breathe, to stretch, to discover

What’s urgent to the mind

Shrinks in the larger context

where space and light play games with reality.

I remember bullies at school

And teachers ignoring it

Other kids enabling

I thought it was bad enough they were allowed to stay at the school

I never could understand how they actually accrued and wielded power

How was it the cruel kids were so influential in how time was spent, resources allocated?

I knew as an elementary schooler the structures were not healthy

Mental health tools were not exactly ubiquitous in the 1970’s

Heck, they aren’t now

But they’re so much more prevalent

Things like NonViolent Communication and the Work That Reconnects

Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, all kinds of tools and modalities

They meet and address real needs with real tenderness

That wasn’t the culture I grew up in

The culture I grew up in had a lot in common with what I’m seeing in the political arena

And I’ve noticed that life moves in cycles, but it doesn’t move in reverse

So there’s a lot about our current situation

That feels painfully familiar to me on the inside

But that doesn’t mean my life’s going backwards

It means I can take the lessons I learned when my wound was smaller

And apply the balm to the larger, current wound

The balm is nature

Which of course includes humans

But is much, much, much, much, much bigger than the human world

Even as we work to destroy it as part of this illness of cruelty and control

But, I trust nature

I do

And I want to align to it, to let its wisdom be my guide

And every minute I spend

In the garden of my own body

In the garden behind my house

In the garden of eden in its many public park permutations

Something in my nervous system restores

In being just a little more safe, a little more held

Than inside the terrarium of human priorities

All of it, the trees, the ground, the sky, the clouds

My own breath

Whisper, not the solution to this chaos,

But the invitation to this peace.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

From time to time I think, “Might I run out of things to write about?”

And my next conversation yields 20 delightful sparkles

That feels sustainable, and relies on relationship

Creation never stops offering us newness

And commitment to the felt sense lets me receive it

Not just think about it

It is in the wholeness of my being

The whole of my body, my thoughts, feelings, stillness, breath, inspirations, and growing pains

I meet myself and the moment and the symphony of life

Because the body belongs to the world and knows it

Can hear its whisper in the breath

And while I don’t stay in this sensitivity all the time

But when I do, it’s time richly spent

Aware. Noticing. Connection.

And I’d like more of my day anchored in earth, gravity moving through me, nature arising

Not in the meanderings of culture, chaos and cruelty

Though those are there, too

And practicing hosting all of it, but not letting my wonder become anemic

And so I practice

And the practice reveals feeling

And feeling leads to relating softly

To myself, to you, to those I meet and the world at large.

In a way, I made this my job all these years

While i was looking for what’s next

I’ve been studying with mindblowingly wonderful teachers

And brilliant, loving co-students

And practicing.

All. Day. Long.

Simple sensing breaths

It’s been very rewarding

It’s paid bonuses beyond benefits packages

My friend asked today the relationship between happy puppy/sad puppy and my job search

And I realized

The job search has elicited sad puppy feelings in me 92% of the time

And still I tried to move toward it

This work, weaving these offerings of many other people’s work and my own experience,

This has always been my happy puppy

The first job search advisor I hired asked what I really wanted to do

I said, “Honestly, I just want to sit with people and talk about god”

He suggested I go back to school for theology

But that’s a claustrophobic house for my God

My sense of divinity is every iota of every cosmos

Exploding forth as nature

And every one of us

The mechanations of culture are loud and crucial, but they’re happening in a larger context

That’s what I want to explore

As you’ve let me so gracefully

It’s not the kind of thing that runs out

Thank you for being here with me these first 100 posts

I’m moving towards Happy Puppy

I’m feeling clarity and potential

Your witness has made a difference

Please accept my deep appreciation.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The thing about anxiety is it thinks it can and should control everything

The tyrant of lore, no matter how well-intentioned

An inner despot who wants us to think

If listened to, will guide us to a knowable future in an unknowable world

This is not a benevolent monarch, even if it tries to sway us with “we’ll be peaceful” language

Back to Whitman:

We are large, we contain multitudes

And creating space for our multitudes to breathe, coexist, and contribute to the totality of being

Feels like an inner modeling of creating peace in the world

There can’t be one ruler, even if benevolent

There can be one organizing principle

But even that feels limited.

Think about it: Air is essential to life. Period.

But maybe that period should be a comma, because

Water is essential to life, too. And food. And love. And the list goes on

Every time we try to make life one thing, it blossoms out into fractals

Dexterity with this constant evolving, that’s where the magic is

A kind of fluidity that we are not taught in our culture so have a hard time trusting

What’s leading the way is an inner allegiance to wholeness

This is where the whole self care movement is sourced

Instead of allegiance to ‘perform your prescribed role to contribute to society’

There’s growing space for:

‘Learn to sense and express what’s actually alive in you to help create society’

I’d say that’s an upgrade

Getting to know ourselves, not just who we think we’re supposed to be, but who we are

Is a sacred journey

I grew up Catholic, but even there, God can’t be reduced to a single entity

The triune nature of the divine is important and meaningful

So, i think three is the bare minimum number of seats at our inner council roundtable

And, in my experience, as I’ve been addressing the parts of myself that cry out in pain in different circumstances

Every time I shut myself down earlier in my life, I created a frozen part that just wants to be heard and cared for

I think I’ve mentioned before, the what are you feeling/what do you need ritual

Has reduced my seating count enormously

Like, I used to need the grand ballroom for the council of me to convene

Now I can just use a conference room

And little by little, I’m identifying as the room, not the points of view in the chairs

Which helps me listen more openly

This feels like a rich laboratory

For listening, sensing, responding, reorganizing

And I’ve come to understand

There is no exiling, no matter how exasperating the part

But the good news is

Each day we breathe, we can make a fresh choice

Every new integration offers a new level of maturity

And life itself is guiding our progress

Our inner council meetings might feel like a rave or a recovery meeting

But in each case brings dynamic council, rich with ambassadors

Playing a game of musical chairs where we add more as necessary

Without a throne in sight

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

When you’re hypnotized and quacking like a duck

You don’t even know it

And you come back into regular life feeling fine

Then someone says a trigger word and

Quack, quack, quack.

We like to think we’re in charge of our thoughts and actions

But we are influenced in a thousand ways

Each of us differently

And the effort and intent toward self-actualization or mutual awakening

Is still subject to our layers of hypnosis

Which is at once frustrating and wonderful

Frustrating because we’re doing all this work, and still have great big blind spots or relapses

Wonderful because it’s a demonstration of our interconnectivity with all of life and reliance on the mystery

I have a deep and rich and nourishing relationship with my inner being, nature, and my sense of the divine

I am awake in places and asleep in places

And the part of me that is unsatisfied that i am not fully awake

Is my own personal tyrant who thinks I am solely responsible for everything about my life

As if I exist in isolation. I don’t. None of us do.

I spend a decent amount of time in contentment, trust and curiosity

But say the word ‘job’ and I’m standing on one foot playing an invisible violin.

Just like you probably saw and could name my anxiety when I couldn’t yet

When things become available to us isn’t always up to us

We need each other to remind each other

But that doesn’t mean our reminders are going to ‘take’ each time

We sing the songs of love to each other and sometimes it feels like no one’s listening

And then one day, we find ourselves humming along

It sticks when it sticks - and we don’t get to control it

We are becoming and we’re part of an unfolding intelligence

We’re not supposed to be fully baked

We cannot help but be always in the process of becoming

And we are becoming

Ridiculous example:

Years ago, my dentist told me I brushed my teeth too vigorously

She showed me how I should be doing it

I spent about a month in frustrated quasi-patience trying to do it right

It was a long and frustrating month and I made exactly no progress

So i decided to let myself off the hook

About a year later, I watched my sister brushing the hell out of her teeth

And realized, some time after quitting trying, I’d become a gentle brusher

We are entirely in charge of our direction and devotion

But our unfolding is in the hands of the mystery

Not to worry

While she’s got a great sense of humor

And may entertain the audience with our unconscious antics

She can also snap her fingers and wake us up

We’re all just part of the show

But we can trust

We’re in good hands

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We actually had two wedding ceremonies.

One on the 2nd of October on our porch, and another on the 7th with guests at our friend’s home

As with most holidays for our family, our anniversary is more of a season than a day.

I was never in a hurry to get married

And as I entered my 30’s and people inquired about my intentions I would say

“When I really want to get married, I’ll volunteer for Habitat for Humanity for a month”

I figured that was where I’d meet the kind of person I’d want to marry.

When Tucker divulged that he spent his high school summers

Volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.

I thought, “Oh, thank God…he saved me a trip”

I am a very helpful and resourceful person

But you do not want me building your house.

Turns out my instinct was right on, though, and you know how that story continues…

But, we had been told I wouldn’t be able to have children without extraordinary measures

And we had that conversation and decided not to take them

Doctors are not always right, though, and our daughter was born 50 weeks after our wedding

That was a big change in plan

Anyhow, after having children, I developed PMS

I hadn’t really had it before, and I was never great at tracking my always irregular cycle

So it came as a surprise to me every single month

And as I would feel a very specific flavor of depressed and irritable

Tucker would say, in the kindest way possible,

“I don’t want to be that guy, but do you think maybe…this might have something to do with…”

And I was so relieved

I was so grateful he recognized the pattern I was living but not seeing

I could meet the symptoms entirely differently when I understood the context

That’s how I feel about this naming of anxiety

My financial instability is just the chew toy a larger anxiety has been working through

The dichotomy I’ve been contending with

Between grounded engagement and relentless rejection

Felt like something was wrong. Pathological.

And yes, not working is a problem. But it’s not THE problem.

I’ve been trying to sort out where THE problem is throughout this time

Is it me? Is it the language on my resume?

Is it the world? Is it ageism? Do I smell?

The real problem has been my desperation to escape the condition

Come on, now. I know. You were probably there months ago and I’m just coming around

But the good news is I have a very open toolchest full of tools

and companions (thank you) who can let me be all of this.

Another thing about my husband

When he proposed, with a ring he designed

He included alexandrite, a gem whose color shifts from green to red depending on the light

As a capricorn, who is rooted, structured and disciplined

He used my birth stone (which I thought was pearl. I’m always learning from this guy)

To acknowledge his acceptance of my changing nature.

As you can ascertain: my husband was worth waiting for

I am starting to believe the idea that my next job will have been, too.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

You want your rheumatoid factor to be under 15, if you have one at all

At 60, you’ve got a severe case of rheumatoid arthritis

My factor is 160, so my diagnosis was pretty clear

When I told my doctor I wanted my first course of action to be homeopathic

He told me he’d only treat me naturally if I was seeing a therapist concurrently

That therapist was wonderful

And after just a few sessions, she suggested I experienced significant anxiety

I was somewhat shocked. I’ve always considered myself very Type B

But as she described it, I recognized it in my body

Which, in retrospect, may have been my very first somatic experiencing

And with breath and noticing and softness

A lot of things began to unravel emotionally as I met that anxiety I had never named before.

Sitting with myself today

I remembered that time and that feeling and those processes

And came to two important realizations:

One, I have existential anxiety funneling through my professional life

Two, I know how to meet it once it’s named.

The unwinding I experienced during my first dance with anxiety

Was slow and unpredictable, and very, very generative.

Lately, feeling that low level (or not so low level) panic and trying so hard to end it

Wow. That’s been a lot.

Tightness in my face, my heart, the pit of my stomach, aches in my shoulders…

I have a friend who sees a visceral manipulation therapist

Who posits that the structural tensions of trauma must be literally caressed back into function

That the mind knowing a trauma is over is inadequate

There must be physical encouragement, reminding, restoration

And how, after surgery, the muscles around the incision need to be repeatedly realigned

And how rarely that’s done

All of this to say, I have a new insight to inform my physical practices

To meet this specific, persistent strain and anxiety

Naming it has unlocked something that has been stuck, for all my best efforts

There’s a little more space, room for possibility

And while I can’t afford bodywork, I can caress myself back into function

Between Sue Choi, QiGong, Tai Chi, and a little self massage with focus and intention

I can move some energy already.

Stress is hard enough - and i’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to translate it into growth

Now I can discern that it’s been encased in a thick layer of anxiety

And I can break that glass

Because I’m tired of emergency

And ready for emergence.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Just as engaging my posture and breath almost immediately soothes my nervous system

Looking for a job almost immediately agitates it

I can psych myself conceptually about a new industry or tactic

But when fingers hit keyboard and resumes are uploaded, i don’t last long

Breaths are taken, calm is resumed

But eventually i’m back to the application process

And the compounding rejection is almost comically consistent month after month

I recently counseled someone to apply their own somatic teachings to their business model

So, how do I apply my life philosophy to my employment status?

I believe that everything is divine

So this situation is - and only my resistance to it is the source of my pain

OK, I can see that

But how to live with this without yo-yo’ing between calm and exasperation?

I’m not sure

And this may be processing more than my usual posts

But a candid exploration feels like it might be productive.

My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 6

Leaving my mom to manage treatments and 5 kids

As the youngest, I’d determined that being helpful would be the way I’d earn love

And i was very helpful

Many years later, when I became ill, it was a real identity crisis to need help instead of give it

And i thought i’d come a long way

But i can feel how absolutely intolerable it is for me to not pull my weight

The desperation not contributing profoundly elicits

Now, I’m completely clear that I contribute enormously to my family in many important ways

But there’s something about this financial piece that’s sticky

And the left foot/right foot of calm surrender and hopeful/dubious/exhausted effort I’ve been approaching this with

Is not moving the needle

Now, I’m a smart, sensitive human

Repeating this non-working pattern so intensely makes no sense

I’m clearly touching a part that isn’t appropriately resourced

Even as I’ve been pouring processes, rituals and space into it

The ache to succeed, to participate, to be valuable remains.

When I was in great physical pain

Sometimes I would imagine myself and my pain

Sitting next to each other on adirondack chairs, looking out at a beautiful view

Just coexisting

I found it helpful.

I have been trying to be with my experience, my emotions, and my inconsistencies throughout this process

But I can now recognize I’ve been doing it with the intent to solve it

You can see how that’s panned out.

So, with specific intention to simply be with

I’m going to be sitting with this ache

Overlooking a desert landscape

Not looking for an oasis or waiting for the sun to set

But with tender compassion

For myself and for the boundless pain that exists in the world

And its beauty as well

You know I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com