I was built for this moment
By the specific trials of my childhood
Now amplified as our current political landscape
A patriarchal system with an unstable individual at the helm…
My dad had a diagnosis that included the onset of periodic rage
There’s no reasoning with that, no preparing for what might come next
Just a need to be ready for anything.
The dynamic between my siblings was not a model of supportiveness
There was a fair amount of acrimony
Blame, annoyance, mutual frustration
We lived together, but it was mostly an endurance game.
I did not find any more warmth or safety in my school or community
And while I’m told I had an invisible friend named Brownie I wish I remembered
My most pronounced friendships were with trees
My nervous system could settle within the branches or the grass beneath
In a way it could not in my home or classroom or playground
That sustained me
I had no idea how much. I just thought I was lonely and wasn’t welcomed in many more places.
I’m so grateful for the shelter the trees offered me, the safety
And their other gifts and lessons, too
Letting me know that the answer to social chaos, cruelty and exclusion
Is attuning to the natural world
Letting ourselves be held
Noticing the infinite natural processes, stories and stillness
Stepping out of the human-centric world
And into the bigger world
There’s more room to breathe, to stretch, to discover
What’s urgent to the mind
Shrinks in the larger context
where space and light play games with reality.
I remember bullies at school
And teachers ignoring it
Other kids enabling
I thought it was bad enough they were allowed to stay at the school
I never could understand how they actually accrued and wielded power
How was it the cruel kids were so influential in how time was spent, resources allocated?
I knew as an elementary schooler the structures were not healthy
Mental health tools were not exactly ubiquitous in the 1970’s
Heck, they aren’t now
But they’re so much more prevalent
Things like NonViolent Communication and the Work That Reconnects
Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, all kinds of tools and modalities
They meet and address real needs with real tenderness
That wasn’t the culture I grew up in
The culture I grew up in had a lot in common with what I’m seeing in the political arena
And I’ve noticed that life moves in cycles, but it doesn’t move in reverse
So there’s a lot about our current situation
That feels painfully familiar to me on the inside
But that doesn’t mean my life’s going backwards
It means I can take the lessons I learned when my wound was smaller
And apply the balm to the larger, current wound
The balm is nature
Which of course includes humans
But is much, much, much, much, much bigger than the human world
Even as we work to destroy it as part of this illness of cruelty and control
But, I trust nature
I do
And I want to align to it, to let its wisdom be my guide
And every minute I spend
In the garden of my own body
In the garden behind my house
In the garden of eden in its many public park permutations
Something in my nervous system restores
In being just a little more safe, a little more held
Than inside the terrarium of human priorities
All of it, the trees, the ground, the sky, the clouds
My own breath
Whisper, not the solution to this chaos,
But the invitation to this peace.
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