Falling Gently Podcast

As we approached the winter of 1999

And the potential unraveling predicted due to the Y2K bug

Most of the programmers I worked with had survival kits & bunkers

I lived on a lake and had a wood burning stove, so I wasn’t worried

But the speculation on technological collapse and societal upheaval continued

Right up until it didn’t.

Similarly, as December 2012 approached

Many of us were curious what the end of the Mayan calendar might mean for humanity

Turned out, not a lot.

But the cultural energy was riled

And all of the hubbub turned out to be unnecessary

1999 and 2012 each held the potential for massive societal change that didn’t materialize

But, as it turns out, they both offered massive personal change in my own life

1999 was the year I met my husband, and my life was completely different from then on

2012, December 21 specifically, is when we pulled our kids out of school and unintentionally began ‘unschooling’

The end of a district-wide calendar having control over our family’s life

Changed everything

So once again, I had this very personal experience of what was supposed to be a broad cultural movement

And this may be part of why I’ve become so comfortable

With my context of Inner Activism

And why, as I witness the atrocities in human rights going on

I again have to turn to how I’m treating my most vulnerable parts and each person I meet

Committing to care

Finding a place to volunteer in my community

As a reciprocal action of inner touching outer

Because the mystery is in charge

I got so many rejection letters this week, there’s no way I can keep doing what I’ve been doing

Maybe my breakdown’s breakthrough can’t help but emerge

When I stop trying to enact the prophecy of ‘getting a job’ as I think it should look

Maybe there’s an entirely different interpretation that will make sense in retrospect

As Kierkegaard said,

“Life can only be understood backwards

But it must be lived forwards.”

I’m curious what my forward looks like

Without past referencing

Because those structures simply won’t have me

And whatever fear I had about failing

Has been well and truly experienced again and again

So, here, 90 days into this daily inquiry

I have to ask

What might what’s next for me look like if not any of the things that I thought?

And I breathe, and I feel, and I invoke my curiousity

As I grieve a startling number of failed efforts

Because I have no idea what to do

But, maybe that’s just where I need to be.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The day my husband introduced himself to me

The final day before GM’s annual 2 week shutdown

When he substituted for a team member

At a meeting I was convening

I distinctly remember thinking

“Isn’t that cute, this farm boy coming over to meet me…

Why can’t Mr. Wonderful come introduce himself to me like this?”

I was 31, he was 24

But he’s an old soul

[I was told at 18 I was going to marry someone younger than me, and thought the guy was an idiot. He was not.]

Two women we worked tricked us into touching base with each other over the ensuing months

And when one of them returned from 3 weeks in Japan and said,

“He is the best person I’ve ever traveled with”

I actually remember my interest in him changing as she finished her sentence.

26 years later, we are celebrating our 24th anniversary

Our wedding date was 10-02-2001

We got married on our lakeside porch on a Tuesday to secure the palindrome

Another sign things were meant to be:

My father’s name was Guy, my mother’s name is Jackie

His mother’s name was Gay, his father’s name was Jack

Astrology did not bode well for us, though

Capricorns are warned to stay far away from Gemini

And in the Chinese zodiac, his tiger and my monkey are inauspicious

But all these years later I can tell you

I have felt loved every single day

And I have loved him every single day

The first 12 or so years, I was surprised every day

I’m happy to report I’ve settled into it

He’s been a tremendously caring and available father

And a profoundly engaged partner

He knows how to fix things, invent things and build things

And he cleans up after himself when he’s done

He’s a total unicorn

He’s put up with more than he should have to

And I’m incredibly lucky to spend each day with him

He’s let me share our difficulties with only minimal flinching

And been supportive truly every day all these years

My heart breaks at my inability to provide meaningful income these last many years

He deserves someone who can pull their own weight

Still he wakes up kind and calm and happy every day

And I am clear I am among the luckiest women in the world

I can vouch for the ‘best person to travel with’ moniker

Although at this moment we’re most content staying close to home

We’ve raised two children to adulthood, which has been wonderful

But, as ‘our song’ says The Best Is Yet To Come

And, with him, I believe it.

I never imagined I could feel so peaceful in my heart

So calm in my mind, so balanced in my days

For all my practices, it’s the field we’ve created that makes it possible

Thank you, Tucker

Happy Anniversary, My Love

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I know a lot of people

I do not know anyone who does not have problems

I know people who won’t talk about their problems

And people who won’t shut up about them

I know people who handle their problems gracefully

And people who pretend they don’t exist

I know people who parlay problems into opportunities

But new problems still arise

Indeed, there’s a carousel of problems that arise

Like the wheel of fortune

Physical problems, financial problems, emotional problems

Relational, existential, social

Some we’re better equipped to deal with than others

Some we have support structures for

But are high and dry when a different kind befall us

All of this leads me to believe

Problems are intrinsic to the design of life

And while I feel our culture has had me chasing a problem-free life

I don’t know if that’s true

And I certainly know such a life does not exist

Not to say there isn’t a way to live life

That embraces problems as enthusiastically as it embraces good fortune

As just the next step, what facilitates evolution

But even then, how to move through the pain of it?

In evaluating my own life

Areas of profound or relative comfort

Areas of profound or relative discomfort

All swirling about, making up the story as I know it

Comparing it to a story I somehow hold of an exclusively positive life

As being a reward for being good, or even validating true effort

I don’t know where I got that story

Or how I believed it

Or, even, not believing it still dangle it over my head tauntingly

When I come back to my breath

There’s patience and curiosity

And lots of compassion

Because even as I continue to be in this difficult place

I’m clear that everyone is experiencing a challenge

And while we may have fantasies of evolving into a life without problems

More poignantly, we’re just trying to get through the day

And you know what helps?

Breath. Nature. Movement. Rest.

And most of all: Companionship

Thanks for being here.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

A coach, a headhunter, and a CEO enter a zoom room…

Sounds like the start of a joke, right?

I mean, they didn’t intend it to be

But by the time they were done, i saw that was exactly what it was

They were part of a group of high net worth individuals

Aiming to solve the problems on earth

They believe only entrepreneurship can effectively address

I can get their marginalization of government

And for a moment, it felt like a real boon to even be in the meeting

But when I asked, “where is nature represented in this discussion”

They brushed me off as missing the obvious: “All of this is in service of nature”

I couldn’t help but feel like this was a meeting to decide a person’s fate

Without including the person

Indeed, excluding the person from the discussion

Patriarchal culture is so certain it knows what’s best

It really doesn’t need to consult those whom they impact

I see it everywhere

The patriarchal dynamic doesn’t just mean ‘men’ either

Lord knows I operated from a patriarchal orientation, even certain I was a feminist

And as I’ve dismantled it in myself

I’ve come to equate patriarchy with the thinking brain - intolerant of feeling

Much like Joseph Campbell’s hero and tyrant:

The tyrant, assured of his exceptionality, is the being of self-achieved independence

Not reliant on anyone or anything

Holding himself above it as he seeks to control it

The hero, on the other hand, is the being of self-achieved submission

A willingness to be in relationship with the world

To expect and receive help as he gives his best effort

The hero submits to life as it’s living

Not an inflated idea of what it should be.

Here in the job hunt

The folks who market themselves well

As knowing, achieving, dominating

Are faring better than the likes of me

But our time is coming, us listeners, carers

And in the meanwhile

I’ll continue to deconstruct any golden or ivory towers I once held myself in

To build the road as i walk it

Listening to the landscape

And surrendering to sentience

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

On the first day of first grade, I broke into tears.“Why are you crying?” the teacher asked.“I forgot my psychology book!” I sobbed.

The first day of first grade.I had a sister in high school.I must have overheard her.What a sign of things to come.

I lived under that kind of self-imposed pressure for a long time—chasing impossible expectations,trying to achieve a world instead of participating in one.

It took prolonged illness to slow me down enough to listen—to life, my body, people, nature.And it was worth every ache and procedure.

Because sensitivity, which seemed a distraction during the chaseis now at the heart of everything I value.

And while the instinct to over-expect from myself still pops up,it now meets a practice of breathing in the present momentnoticing tension, releasing to gravity, listening to sensation.

Turns out:Stress morphs into carewhen you stop trying to construct somethingand start trying to get to know something.

Simplicity overtakes the storieswhen the only goal is to be present and relational with what is

We receive hundreds of messages daily telling us to speed up.Let this be our reminder:Slowing down is always available

But it’s too much to think we should be able to ‘just do it’

It takes a field—a shared rhythm—to remember.

Me writing this.You reading.The kind word shared with a flustered cashier.Looking others in the eye.

This is the active, supportive work:That brings us back to ourselves

To feel, share, connect, become

So let’s set down the psychology book, all those expectations

And pick up some crayonsThis isn’t a test or a trick

it’s life

it’s precious

let’s get to play

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My husband has a story about an unassuming demigod on earth

He is humble and kind, unaware of his origins

And wherever he goes, people bow to him

Mind you, no one knows they are bowing to him

Someone sneezes

Or picks up a penny

One ties his shoes

Another pets their dog, who is also at an incline

Even the flowers are in on the act

With the breeze gently tipping their petals

And so it goes

And no one notices

But it’s happening

Research continues to demonstrate

That earth’s flora engages in a wide array of communication

With kin, with companions, with us

Trees have multiple channels in air and soil

Warning of predators or other conditions

Mycelial networks broker nutrient exchanges

Houseplants know when you come home

The world is far more alive than the dominant cultural story has allowed us to believe

That story teaches us to use flora and fauna, but not listen to them

But there are many who have always heard the song, and sing back

And after centuries of silencing those voices

Perhaps we can begin to amplify them

Even growing up in a culture marginalizing the non-human world

Most of us attune to nature from time to time

During a walk in the woods

A particularly captivating sunset

And when we do, it’s a whole body experience

Because the song of nature isn’t singing to our thinking minds

It is resonating throughout our natural being

The whole of the world

Singing to the whole of us

And in those moments when we’re at our most receptive

When awe and wonder are the most natural responses to the world

The beauty of nature is on full display

The signal of nature is cutting through the noise of culture

It’s multidimensionality bursts forth from the backdrop it was relegated to

We are within the splendor

Instead of walking through it

I believe we’re in for more of these moments

As we slow down

As we attune

As we acknowledge and respect

The nonverbal languages

Relentlessly singing the song of being

Ones that we sing, too

As we bow to the holy all around us

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Any watercolor artist will tell you:

Every watercolor painting has an ugly phase

You’ll be certain the effort is a bust

Keep going.

It’s the nature of the medium

Working from light to dark

Big shapes to small shapes

It’s the layers that give the final result texture

Persevere.

The only way out is through -

The details come at the end and bring it all together.

I did not know this.

I learned it from my daughter

Which, in and of itself, was miraculous

She had been a perfectionist

And had balled up and thrown away many an unfinished piece

Part of her learning process had been a pretty frustrated breakdown

Right before a breakthrough

Until an $80 watercolor workshop series changed everything

Learning about The Ugly Phase

And the necessity to continue, to trust, to be playful, even

Generated a thread of willingness I hadn’t seen in her before

One no amount of encouragement from me had touched

(We never know when the penny will drop

But i think it’s often aided when it’s not a parent telling you)

Nonetheless, learning about the ugly phase as inevitable

Preempted the breakdown, and allowed patience for the process

It even put her in relationship to the painting as it was evolving

Instead of having the painting simply be the execution of a plan

That might have been the moment she went from

‘Kid who likes art’ to ‘artist’

More than once this has come up as a great metaphor for life

Almost everything we’re good at

We were once bad at

And the period in between was not a straight line nor an easy line

But something kept us going

Something drew us forward to learn and experiment and evolve

Got us past the possibility of failure and into possibility itself

I very much feel my next career chapter has been in the ugly phase for a while

The color palette is right, the broad shape feels accurate

But it’s not looking like what I’d like it to look like

And a lot of details need to be added

While my confidence is skeptical

Thank goodness I’ve had this experience and education

This lesson from my daughter and from art

Not to let the ugly phase get me down

But to Breathe. Envision. Create.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Possibly the most beneficial thing I ever did as a parent

Was to teach my kids “Happy puppy/Sad puppy” as preschoolers

Here’s how that went:

Imagine we go to the park, and right when we get there

You see the cutest puppy you’ve ever seen

And she sees you, and her tail starts wagging, and she runs over to you

And you know: this is your puppy

What does that feel like?

Where do you feel that in your body?

What is your breathing like?

Mark that. Remember it. We’re going to call those feelings “Happy Puppy”

Now.

You’re playing with this puppy you love

And she’s so cute, and she throws her own ball!

It goes pretty far and she runs to chase it

But it goes into the street and look up and you see a car coming

What does that feel like?

Where do you feel it?

What is your breathing like?

The puppy is fine in this imaginary story, it was just scary

But I want you to notice the feelings and the places and sensations.

That’s “Sad Puppy”

If you ever feel Sad Puppy, no matter what we are doing, just say “sad puppy”

And we will change our course of action, right then.

That feeling is telling you what not to do

You don’t need to know why you shouldn’t do it

You just need to honor that feeling as knowing something you don’t know

Much like that puppy didn’t know the car was coming

But now you also know the specific feelings of Happy puppy

Go towards those experiences.

Those feelings mean that’s right for you.

Happy Puppy and Sad Puppy are both specific and reliable.

And that was the most important lesson I taught my children

It was supported by a book I read at the time

That also included this fascinating idea:

The body knows more about the environment than the brain

If your body behaves in fear, the reason is immanent

If you can describe your fear, the reason is often imaginary

I’m not sure if that’s true, but it’s held pretty true in my sample size of 4

And at the time, when I’d mention I was teaching my kids this

People told me I was crazy

If you tell your kids they can change your mind by just saying ‘sad puppy’

They’re going to manipulate you all the time to get what they want.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

My eldest only said sad puppy twice in her childhood

Once in a restaurant in Rome,

We turned around and walked out.

My youngest used it a little more frequently, probably about six times

Once as we were about to sign a lease on a house -

Talk about putting your money where your mouth is

We left the office and went to find a new place to live.

I love this lesson because it taught my kids their emotional range

And how to listen to it

And how important it is and should be to their loved ones to honor it.

Recently, my daughter, who is living in Brooklyn

Talked about leaving a party because she just felt sad puppy

I don’t know that I’ve ever been happier than hearing her say that

I’ve spoken before about gaps in my parenting

But this one, this was pure gold

And has had rich and lasting effects on each of us, and our relationship

Making me one happy puppy.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

In one of her books, Martha Beck says,

“There are two kinds of people:

The ones who need to stop talking and start doing, and

The ones who need to stop doing and start talking”

As usual, I am charmed by Oprah’s favorite life coach

And it rings true

I imagine I’m one of the former, given how much I talk

But I know a whole lot of workaholics who are the latter

And when I watch them moving at 100 mph

Making rain, keeping things afloat, dotting all the i’s

I think about how happy they’ll be

When they finally learn to slow down

I hold out hope for most people

One day, something will invite them out of their habits

And they’ll find a safe, warm, receptive reflector

Who will help them get to the heart of their matter

And a whole new kind of adventure will begin.

The talkers…. That’s a different ballgame.

I think, in part, that comes from being overwhelmed by options

Trying to construct the ‘right answer’

It’s a kind of decision paralysis

So. Many. Options.

How to land on just one?

I’ve actually instituted a rule with my husband

Once we’ve decided on a course of action,

We must stop discussing any other possibilities.

Like where we’re going for lunch

On the way to one restaurant, he begins to lists others we might prefer

It comes from a lifetime of being a ‘fixer’

Knowing the options, weighing them, making an informed decision

But, enumerating options meant something completely different

In 1990 than in 2025

How the world has changed

What was once a luxury

Is now ‘too much of a good thing’

Choices weren’t on offer when I was a kid.

And my kids had too many

We are faced with nearly infinite options in almost every corner of our lives

Making a decision is a necessary skill

Cutting out the noise afterward is an act of self compassion

Thomas Hübl has said

Freedom isn’t being able to have all the candy in the candy store

Freedom is knowing which candy is for you.

Leave it to Thomas to take the overwhelm out

And gently drop in clarity

I think I’ve been staring at the candy counter of life

Discussing the pros and cons of the colorful canisters

Hoping one will jump out at me, literally invite me in

But I think it’s time my mature self can step in and make a choice

I think its time

Wish me luck

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Today is the calendaric yin yang

Day and night are of equal length

The year was born at the winter solstice

It gained its footing at the vernal equinox

Before peaking at the summer solstice

Since then, the energy of nature

In the northern hemisphere, at least

Has been Producing, Producing, Producing

It’s bounty is all around us

Traditionally, all over the world

It’s the season for rituals of thanksgiving

For ceremony acknowledging the earth’s gifts

Celebrating the bounty

Of our revered ecosystems

The seed and the soil

The water and the rain

The bees, the trees, and the breeze

Generating stunning varieties of life

Through the essential warmth of the sun

Surely the sun deserves a rest now

After all that work

And our activity will slow as well

As each night comes a little sooner

Enticing us to slow down.

Today is the experience of light and dark in equal measure

There is balance

It’s an astrologically significant day

So perhaps a ritual is in order

Reverence is the only essential ingredient

Thanksgiving is the orientation

Balance is the Muse

Our life is the offering

And on the altar of this day

Let us first recognize

We are a part of nature, of life, of cycles great and small

And we take our part, and feel the influence of our world in our lives

And give thanks in three parts

First, for something fully blossomed in our lives

Be it a zucchini plant, or a skill, or a relationship

Acknowledge this personal mature blessing

And bow to it

Knowing it contributes to your sustenance

During the darker days ahead

Next, turn towards this darkening

It’s what is going to be happening

So let’s align to it

Let us acknowledge the naturalness

Of slowing

Of darkness

Of rest

Let’s participate in the natural rhythm

And select one thing to set down

To let rest

The darkness is the Divine Feminine

The womb of creation

What can you send into the womb of creation

To be born again at the winter solstice?

Something that, throughout this season, when you think of it

You can know it’s in good hands and you’ll see it again soon

Set down something you’ve been carrying

And bless it to the restorative alchemy of the darkness

Finally, consider

What is a support you can offer yourself in the coming months

Be it a breath practice, a warm beverage, or a yoga stretch

Something easy that feels good, warm, soft, curious

Commit to a ritualistic act of care

Even a small gesture at a key moment

To acknowledge the fullness of the light

And bow to the mysteries of the dark

Polishing the scale that holds the center and knows how to come back to it

We’re taking our place in the cycle of nature

One we’ve taken again and again

But there’s something sacred in acknowledging it

Taking a moment

Balancing our busyness

With reverence

As the cooling air signals a change for which we are prepared

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com