Any watercolor artist will tell you:

Every watercolor painting has an ugly phase

You’ll be certain the effort is a bust

Keep going.

It’s the nature of the medium

Working from light to dark

Big shapes to small shapes

It’s the layers that give the final result texture

Persevere.

The only way out is through -

The details come at the end and bring it all together.

I did not know this.

I learned it from my daughter

Which, in and of itself, was miraculous

She had been a perfectionist

And had balled up and thrown away many an unfinished piece

Part of her learning process had been a pretty frustrated breakdown

Right before a breakthrough

Until an $80 watercolor workshop series changed everything

Learning about The Ugly Phase

And the necessity to continue, to trust, to be playful, even

Generated a thread of willingness I hadn’t seen in her before

One no amount of encouragement from me had touched

(We never know when the penny will drop

But i think it’s often aided when it’s not a parent telling you)

Nonetheless, learning about the ugly phase as inevitable

Preempted the breakdown, and allowed patience for the process

It even put her in relationship to the painting as it was evolving

Instead of having the painting simply be the execution of a plan

That might have been the moment she went from

‘Kid who likes art’ to ‘artist’

More than once this has come up as a great metaphor for life

Almost everything we’re good at

We were once bad at

And the period in between was not a straight line nor an easy line

But something kept us going

Something drew us forward to learn and experiment and evolve

Got us past the possibility of failure and into possibility itself

I very much feel my next career chapter has been in the ugly phase for a while

The color palette is right, the broad shape feels accurate

But it’s not looking like what I’d like it to look like

And a lot of details need to be added

While my confidence is skeptical

Thank goodness I’ve had this experience and education

This lesson from my daughter and from art

Not to let the ugly phase get me down

But to Breathe. Envision. Create.

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Possibly the most beneficial thing I ever did as a parent

Was to teach my kids “Happy puppy/Sad puppy” as preschoolers

Here’s how that went:

Imagine we go to the park, and right when we get there

You see the cutest puppy you’ve ever seen

And she sees you, and her tail starts wagging, and she runs over to you

And you know: this is your puppy

What does that feel like?

Where do you feel that in your body?

What is your breathing like?

Mark that. Remember it. We’re going to call those feelings “Happy Puppy”

Now.

You’re playing with this puppy you love

And she’s so cute, and she throws her own ball!

It goes pretty far and she runs to chase it

But it goes into the street and look up and you see a car coming

What does that feel like?

Where do you feel it?

What is your breathing like?

The puppy is fine in this imaginary story, it was just scary

But I want you to notice the feelings and the places and sensations.

That’s “Sad Puppy”

If you ever feel Sad Puppy, no matter what we are doing, just say “sad puppy”

And we will change our course of action, right then.

That feeling is telling you what not to do

You don’t need to know why you shouldn’t do it

You just need to honor that feeling as knowing something you don’t know

Much like that puppy didn’t know the car was coming

But now you also know the specific feelings of Happy puppy

Go towards those experiences.

Those feelings mean that’s right for you.

Happy Puppy and Sad Puppy are both specific and reliable.

And that was the most important lesson I taught my children

It was supported by a book I read at the time

That also included this fascinating idea:

The body knows more about the environment than the brain

If your body behaves in fear, the reason is immanent

If you can describe your fear, the reason is often imaginary

I’m not sure if that’s true, but it’s held pretty true in my sample size of 4

And at the time, when I’d mention I was teaching my kids this

People told me I was crazy

If you tell your kids they can change your mind by just saying ‘sad puppy’

They’re going to manipulate you all the time to get what they want.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

My eldest only said sad puppy twice in her childhood

Once in a restaurant in Rome,

We turned around and walked out.

My youngest used it a little more frequently, probably about six times

Once as we were about to sign a lease on a house -

Talk about putting your money where your mouth is

We left the office and went to find a new place to live.

I love this lesson because it taught my kids their emotional range

And how to listen to it

And how important it is and should be to their loved ones to honor it.

Recently, my daughter, who is living in Brooklyn

Talked about leaving a party because she just felt sad puppy

I don’t know that I’ve ever been happier than hearing her say that

I’ve spoken before about gaps in my parenting

But this one, this was pure gold

And has had rich and lasting effects on each of us, and our relationship

Making me one happy puppy.

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In one of her books, Martha Beck says,

“There are two kinds of people:

The ones who need to stop talking and start doing, and

The ones who need to stop doing and start talking”

As usual, I am charmed by Oprah’s favorite life coach

And it rings true

I imagine I’m one of the former, given how much I talk

But I know a whole lot of workaholics who are the latter

And when I watch them moving at 100 mph

Making rain, keeping things afloat, dotting all the i’s

I think about how happy they’ll be

When they finally learn to slow down

I hold out hope for most people

One day, something will invite them out of their habits

And they’ll find a safe, warm, receptive reflector

Who will help them get to the heart of their matter

And a whole new kind of adventure will begin.

The talkers…. That’s a different ballgame.

I think, in part, that comes from being overwhelmed by options

Trying to construct the ‘right answer’

It’s a kind of decision paralysis

So. Many. Options.

How to land on just one?

I’ve actually instituted a rule with my husband

Once we’ve decided on a course of action,

We must stop discussing any other possibilities.

Like where we’re going for lunch

On the way to one restaurant, he begins to lists others we might prefer

It comes from a lifetime of being a ‘fixer’

Knowing the options, weighing them, making an informed decision

But, enumerating options meant something completely different

In 1990 than in 2025

How the world has changed

What was once a luxury

Is now ‘too much of a good thing’

Choices weren’t on offer when I was a kid.

And my kids had too many

We are faced with nearly infinite options in almost every corner of our lives

Making a decision is a necessary skill

Cutting out the noise afterward is an act of self compassion

Thomas Hübl has said

Freedom isn’t being able to have all the candy in the candy store

Freedom is knowing which candy is for you.

Leave it to Thomas to take the overwhelm out

And gently drop in clarity

I think I’ve been staring at the candy counter of life

Discussing the pros and cons of the colorful canisters

Hoping one will jump out at me, literally invite me in

But I think it’s time my mature self can step in and make a choice

I think its time

Wish me luck

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Today is the calendaric yin yang

Day and night are of equal length

The year was born at the winter solstice

It gained its footing at the vernal equinox

Before peaking at the summer solstice

Since then, the energy of nature

In the northern hemisphere, at least

Has been Producing, Producing, Producing

It’s bounty is all around us

Traditionally, all over the world

It’s the season for rituals of thanksgiving

For ceremony acknowledging the earth’s gifts

Celebrating the bounty

Of our revered ecosystems

The seed and the soil

The water and the rain

The bees, the trees, and the breeze

Generating stunning varieties of life

Through the essential warmth of the sun

Surely the sun deserves a rest now

After all that work

And our activity will slow as well

As each night comes a little sooner

Enticing us to slow down.

Today is the experience of light and dark in equal measure

There is balance

It’s an astrologically significant day

So perhaps a ritual is in order

Reverence is the only essential ingredient

Thanksgiving is the orientation

Balance is the Muse

Our life is the offering

And on the altar of this day

Let us first recognize

We are a part of nature, of life, of cycles great and small

And we take our part, and feel the influence of our world in our lives

And give thanks in three parts

First, for something fully blossomed in our lives

Be it a zucchini plant, or a skill, or a relationship

Acknowledge this personal mature blessing

And bow to it

Knowing it contributes to your sustenance

During the darker days ahead

Next, turn towards this darkening

It’s what is going to be happening

So let’s align to it

Let us acknowledge the naturalness

Of slowing

Of darkness

Of rest

Let’s participate in the natural rhythm

And select one thing to set down

To let rest

The darkness is the Divine Feminine

The womb of creation

What can you send into the womb of creation

To be born again at the winter solstice?

Something that, throughout this season, when you think of it

You can know it’s in good hands and you’ll see it again soon

Set down something you’ve been carrying

And bless it to the restorative alchemy of the darkness

Finally, consider

What is a support you can offer yourself in the coming months

Be it a breath practice, a warm beverage, or a yoga stretch

Something easy that feels good, warm, soft, curious

Commit to a ritualistic act of care

Even a small gesture at a key moment

To acknowledge the fullness of the light

And bow to the mysteries of the dark

Polishing the scale that holds the center and knows how to come back to it

We’re taking our place in the cycle of nature

One we’ve taken again and again

But there’s something sacred in acknowledging it

Taking a moment

Balancing our busyness

With reverence

As the cooling air signals a change for which we are prepared

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In a currency of Crisis

With coins of anxiety and bills of outrage

It’s challenging for a broker of Calm

To assess the exchange rate.

Crisis has become wildly inflated

It is certainly being overprinted

Which one would think would accelerate collapse

But what to do until then?

How to stabilize the market?

Perhaps it’s easiest to cut off trade entirely

But isolation and exclusion have long lines of credit in Crisis

And would only exacerbate the volatility

The whole of the economy needs stabilization

And Calm’s dollars and cents of compassion and care

Can be a flight to safety

If only the market would turn toward it

Smart investors are shoring up the asset

Calm is high-yield, pays compound dividends

It can absorb Crisis, but can also be overwhelmed by it

So it’s important to keep strong reserves

To stabilize the fluctuating market

Lots of people don’t even know the safe haven of Calm exists

Much less how to trade in it

But we can model the economy we want to build

Small, daily investments in Calm

Fortify our personal portfolios

And allow us to bring Calm into circulation

Bolstering market confidence

And offering sound returns on investment

If Crisis is the coin of the realm

Calm is the ethical alternative currency

Letting us make our deposits

In sustainable assets

That honor the long game

We all hope to play

And just like the financial market is built on cents

Energetic equity

Is comprised of sense, born in our senses

Intrinsically linked to the natural world and each other

The exchange is within us all

And we each have a diversified portfolio

But in this market, Calm is a strong buy

Exercise your options.

Thank you for reading! This is one of my favorite entries. I’d love for you to subscribe.

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One of the criteria for getting on the constant improvement escalator

Is a commitment to getting a little better every day

Which might seem like a natural process at first glance

But is actually uni-directional and not representative of the cycles of nature

A less popular orientation, but one I’ve come to value

Is the letting-life-shape-me gyroscope

Maybe bobbling, but finding my center and returning to upright

Again and again

I’m not so committed to improving these days

So much as being

Improving always seemed to have a corresponding image of what is better

And an inherent judgment of not quite good enough yet

I find that exhausting.

Perhaps it’s just time of life

But I’m happy for the shift

It helps me appreciate where I am, or at least get to know it better

There’s a settling in my nervous system

The moving target I chased for so long

Is now a coaster on which i set my water glass

The elusive goal of being happy or feeling successful all the time

Has shifted to experiencing the full range of emotion

From a center that can expand to include it

That goal requires an orientation to feeling what is

Over images of what should be

Because feelings bring us together - we all share the same spectrum of feelings

But no two imaginations are ever envisioning the same thing

If we read the same book, it often evokes similar feelings

But how we picture it in our minds will be wildly unique

It’s why beloved book adaptations so often fail as movies

So if we’re ever going to develop a peaceful world

It stands to reason that it will be based on shared feelings

Not on a shared image of what should be that we all agree on

That feels like a fool’s errand

So, today I’d just like to encourage all of us

Maybe we don’t need to improve anything

Just for today, let’s set down images of what should be

And feel the breath in our bodies

And the range of emotions that come up for us

We might wobble, but we are designed to come back to center

And we will

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It is easy to look at the world

And have grievances

At least for me

And because that condition is so consistent

And yet so at odds with the life I want to live

I needed to explore it more

Now, a lot of my writing seems to vilify the thinking mind

And i don’t mean to do that

Where my frustration lies

Is in the thinking mind being primary in our culture

When it is just a portion of our experience

So the thinking mind is only ok with me

When it’s a part of my experience

Not the conductor of it

Because what I’ve noticed

Is there are broad swaths of my experience

Wherein the thinking mind is a diversion, a distraction

And grief is one of those places

I need to feel grief, without story, to integrate it, to let it shape me

And when I get caught in story

Or worse, when my grief gets trapped in my mind

The mind’s incapacity for feeling

Turns grief, which it can’t control, into grievance, which it sure can.

My own inability to encounter or withstand the painful feelings of grief

Redirects it into finding fault in the world

That whole, when you’re pointing one finger at something

Three more fingers are pointing inward toward yourself

Taking that literally has helped me

Asking again and again and again, what is the real source of this grievance

And so far, every time, there’s an interior grief

A value diminished, a potential unrealized, a love lost

Bringing my most mature and resourced aspects

To meet that grief, to let it be felt and known

Typically takes a few minutes at a time

There’s a question, and then a surge, and then a comedown

My experience of the process seems to have a natural titration

Not that it solves it in one encounter - it doesn’t

But it softens it, familiarizes my resourced self with the territory

And makes a commitment to my hurting parts that they will be tended regularly

Because grievances comes up

And using that as a cue to meet the grief

Honestly, has cut my general mental chatter by probably 80%

Here’s an example:

My son missed an important deadline and the results could be very expensive

I get mad at him and my mind’s chatter is busy with blame, frustration, and imagined futures

But when I sit with it a little more deeply

I feel grief

Grief that I can’t protect him

Grief that my parenting had important gaps

Grief that I’m not in a stable place from which I can absorb financial challenges

And when I meet these waves of sadness, confusion, longing

I’m not mad at my son

The chatter dissolves into compassion towards him and towards myself

And curiosity about what will happen, even if rueful

My grievances with the state of government

Turn me again and again

To my grief about this country’s painful history

And lack of accountability toward it

Which feels too big

So I then turn my attention to my personal grief

At the way I treat my own wise vulnerability

That I was raised in a culture that made the thinking mind dominant

At the cost of feeling, nature, sensitivity

And that exercise

Though painful

Is restorative

As I commit again and again

To my body, my feelings, my relationships, my willingness to take responsibility for my lapses and be available for repair

Using grievance as a signal

To tend to my grief

Has me stop running and striving, to simply be with my grief

And I haven’t exhausted the well

But I have found the water clear and flowing

And nourishing the life around it

Because life grows where water flows

As the saying goes ‘tears are the sweat of a heart that’s doing its work’

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I believe social activism is essential to a responsible life

But I’ve had to change how I approach it

I was out with clipboards and signs regularly

Yet, very few of my chosen causes have been ultimately successful

There’s a lot I don’t understand about how and why the world works the way it does

And my part in it

And I still go out and sit or stand with my sign

But my real activism work is now on the inside

During my years of stillness

And the various health protocols I explored

I became very aware that the way I treated my body

Uncomfortably paralleled the way my species treats the planet

I had normalized ingesting pizza and coke, and staying up til 2am

Still expecting top performance the next day

Or exercising as a way of commanding my body into a shape

Impatient with fatigue or a need to rest

Popping up after the flu and immediately getting back to 12 hour days

Or being angry for not being able to.

It was unsustainable and extractive

And for all my organic groceries in cloth bags, and turning off the water while brushing

I was forgetting to tend to the tract of earth fully within my stewardship

My body.

Once my environmental activism

Became recontextualized to start with my own body

I noticed some other external priorities

Had compelling internal expressions

For example, in my commitment to wanting to stand up for human rights

I saw and felt my intolerance for my own vulnerabilities

Parts of my being that wanted to control and be separate from

My tenderness, my fragility, my grief, my specific heart and its idiosyncrasies

Holding myself to expectations of rising above myself

Demonizing my attributes that weren’t up to some mechanical expectation of

Strong, efficient and worthy

Holy smokes can I be intolerant of myself

And that is hypocritical in a world where I want everyone treated fairly.

This transferred pretty quickly to my feelings about economic justice

But of course, the economy of time and energy supplants money in my interior

How often I spend my time and energy on what my thinking mind wants to achieve

Over a deeper sensitivity to what the moment is asking of me

I have far more tolerance for the literal pain and stress of applying to jobs on LinkedIn

(my shoulders start aching by the third application, every time)

Than I do for resting and doing nothing for an afternoon

Which I do, because I now know rest and playfulness are valuable

But I still often feel guilty about it

And so, when I see authoritarianism in the world

I can sense into my internal parallel:

My thinking mind believing it is the most valuable aspect of me

That it should be in charge of everything

With little to no regard for the needs of the body

Denying the mind is entirely dependent on the body

Vilifying any need of the body that doesn’t serve ‘progress’

The left-brain domination that has no regard for the right mind

Would drive my life to the brink of disaster

Expounding on its own superiority.

And after a solid decade of softening, I continue to find insidious examples

Of how entrained I am to exploitive

And that pain

Reminds me to focus on the holiness of the whole of my being

And sensing my breath in my body,

And feeling the world in its wholeness

This feels like the most important activism of my life

Because that inner tyrant arises often

And it’s my job to dethrone the spectacle

Again and again

So that the whole of me has the space and time

To be in this world

Whole, curious and receptive

The ultimate upgrade from the fragmented self

Feeling the possibilities

Instead of swimming in grievances

Because if I’m ever to be effective in the world

It will be because I’ve embodied my principles

Within myself.

Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it.

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My friend once told me a story

About a time early in her family’s life

When they were constantly just a little behind financially

Scrounging the couches and asking for extra hours to be able to buy diapers and formula

After several years, they’d stabilized, and saved up to buy a house

As they were moving

She noticed the Maxwell House coffee cans they’d used as door stops

To keep the breeze moving through the apartment

Those coffee cans were full of change

That’s what made them heavy

And there were hundreds of dollars between them

More than enough to have provided what they needed during those years of struggle

So, now she knows to ask:

What are the coffee cans?

What are the resources I’m overlooking

Hidden in plain sight

That are in my possession right now?

It’s a helpful inquiry

And gets me thinking outside of the box

I did not find any coffee cans full of money during our move

But I did find my favorite earrings, lost during our last move

That’s a win

And overall, we’re feeling a sense of optimism again

Which might be even more valuable than a can full of quarters

We like our house very much

The dog loves the yard and seems to be getting brighter every day

Which was our priority

And my husband’s gotten some work

Which is a great relief since we’ve had multiple unexpected expenses

But against a backdrop of reducing overall costs

And so it is

Like the inhale and the exhale

Blessings and challenges

So, drawing from the Chinese Farmer’s wisdom

No need to decide what’s good and what’s bad

Just that there’s a mix

And I’m trying to be softer in my experiencing of it

So that I can see my coffee cans for what they are

And know abundance can be quirky

In how it makes itself available

To eyes willing to see things differently

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I have had an especially challenging day

And this time, it’s impacted my ability to write

First time in 70 days

Dang.

It does, however, give me a chance to share a story

One I’m sure you know

But the whole point of this exploration

Is bringing to mind tools we might have forgotten we have

And how we need each other

To remind each other

Today I need the story of the Chinese Farmer

The one whose horse ran away

And all of his neighbors came and said, “oh, what bad luck!”

To which the farmer replied: “Maybe”

And how the next day

the horse returned, bringing wild horses with it.And the neighbors said, “Oh, my! What good fortune!”To which the farmer replied: “Maybe.”

Then, when the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses,And broke his leg.The neighbors said, “Oh, that’s too bad!”And the farmer said, “Maybe.”

And of course, then, soon after, soldiers came to draft young men for war.They saw the son’s broken leg and left him behind.The neighbors said, “You’re so lucky.”And the farmer said, “Maybe.”

Judging the moment isn’t helpful or true

We know this, but we forget

So, today, may we witness without judging

Feel the sun warm on our faces

And know lots of people care about us

Whether we’re Lucky or unlucky

Today

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