Falling Gently Podcast

The message on the first night of this journey

“Where there is Love, Nothing Else Matters”

Let me know and experience a possibility I’d only ever fantasized about

Following it with

“It does not have to be what you expect in order to be meaningful”

Let that possibility take on infinite expressions

As I sit here 18 years later, I realize

I probably should’ve gotten a tattoo.

It’s a lesson I invoke and forget with great frequency

When I invoke it, I can be curious and open

When I forget it, pain becomes suffering

I am sitting in the middle of it right now

The overwhelm of packing to move

As my son blithely moves into his first apartment

Still scoffing at the idea of needing things like dish soap

As the costs of moving drain our already leaky pot

And we’re moving to a place that will be 116 degrees when we arrive

But still somehow i have all these pictures of how things should roll to let me know I’m ok

Even though I SWORE OFF THOSE PICTURES YEARS AGO

They keep showing up, taunting me

Telling me that’s when I’ll know god is with me

Oh, friend, thanks to that day and this writing and this remembrance

I can assure you, god is with me

As I can assure you god is with you

Because when you’re in the ocean, the water isn’t lacking

And for all of the stress and uncertainty

Acts of kindness continue unabated

Big and small, grand gestures and sly winks

There is so much love in this world

Even when it seems to be falling apart

These circumstances? They’re fleeting

It’s life

And we’re in it

And that’s enough

Whatever it looks like.

Thank you, Night two.

Now, let me tell you about Night Three

I had fewer expectations

And after a completely unremarkable meditation session

Came the words

“If you don’t like something, it is a call to learn more”

This one I actively resisted.

But as i reflect today, this one has been the slow burn

This was a decade before I began studying with Thomas Hübl

Who consistently invites us to be warm, accepting, and curious about our triggers

And throughout my life, I’ve experienced that learning more does soothe the savage beast within me

Stupid things: I did not like The Simpsons because I thought the animation was ugly

Turns out, I appreciate The Simpsons’ social commentary

And important things: I had anxiety in dominantly Asian environments in my youth

Through traveling, I learned about differences in norms around personal space

That shifted how I received the unfamiliar

As I’ve built capacity to slow down and investigate

Instead of reject

I’m expanding my ground instead of preserving it

I still can’t say I can completely reveal the beauty of night three’s invitation

I can get caught in many slippery slopes

But it turns out I’ve been living this lesson and it’s been revealing its wisdom to me

Etched into my days

No tattoo needed.

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So, after stepping into infinity

And finding it spacious, welcoming, alive, and so loving

Some things shifted in me

I had gone into my first meditation invoking Ganesha with an agenda

It had two taproots, one of my lifelong spiritual devotion

And one of trying to accomplish something

But I was immediately swept into love and devotion without agenda

Love and devotion aimed at me

Which was surprising

I was always trying to increase the purity of my love and devotion I extended

I never expected to be the recipient of love and devotion

The experience that god is as devoted to me as I am to god

I don’t remember that from mass

There’s a section in Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass

Where she opens an ecological biology course with the question

“Who here loves the earth”

And all the hands go up

Then she follows with

“Who here thinks the earth loves them back”

Fewer hands, and a lot of quizzical looks

Even though the earth is consistently and freely supplying

Everything we need to live

That it cares for us? Generally or specifically?

That gets relegated to the invisible

When we center the human experience as an epicenter

Instead of a relational orbit

Receiving the abundant love that takes the form of air, water, food

Acknowledges the dynamic, intimate relationship going on in every minute

Instead of being on a mission to create a relationship that looks or feels a certain way

So, anyhow, this is the way I move towards my meditation pillow

On the second night of this journey

I can’t wait to go back

I want to get very acquainted with this feeling, this frequency, this level

Make it my home

Live and operate from there

And so I set my chime

I bow to Ganesha and invite him in

And I sit

And breathe

And wait to be transported

And wait some more

Were my expectations diminishing my capacity to go there?

Was I doing something wrong?I sit

Trying to stay in my breath, or come back to it

And this goes on until the chime rings again

I was bummed

And as I sat with that bummedness, perhaps a feeling of failure

I hear, clear as a bell:

“It does not have to be what you expect in order to be meaningful”

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh

Daaaaaaaammmmmnnnnnn

That landed

It may not have had the magnitude of emotional impact from the get-go

And in my surprise of that, or reaching for it, came the lesson

Things do not need to be what I think they need to be

Things do not need to be grand to have impact

Small, simple, seemingly inconsequential things

Can be just as profound as the experiences that bring us to our knees

[But the ones that bring us to our knees are so affirming! I like to be affirmed!]

My categorization of experience into meaningful and not meaningful enough

Is simply a construct of my myopic mind, an interpretation

Having nothing to do with the quality of experience itself

Which is operating in a realm of mystery and relatedness

Beyond assessment

So my feeling of failure is what got encompassed into a much bigger world

That took (almost) all the sting out

And opened a vista where a judgment had been

And i could relax

Feeling deeply supported by great love and wisdom

Once again

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Over the years, I’ve started several businesses

A nonprofit to teach kids geography & culture

A children’s book publishing company

And a toy company to produce action figures

Of traditional heroes from around the world

The idea was to make high quality representations

With the same appeal markers as pop culture toys

To popularize some of the wisdom and wonder

Of earth’s historic and pervasive stories

We were going to start with Indian cosmology

And as with any startup, things were uphill

So, when I learned that the elephant-headed Ganesha

Was the god of beginnings

AND the remover of obstacles

I knew I had to spend some time with him.

I’d spent a lot of time in and around Hinduism

But Ganesha had never hooked me before

One of the nice things about Hinduism

Is that there is a broad array of deities

And while all are respected

You pick your own exemplar

Everyone’s altar can be different

I love Durga, you love Krishna

Same religion

And I’d spent time learning many stories

So, when I sat down to meditate

And invoke Ganesha

Ask for his blessings

And go through my long list of obstacles

I knew him as the son of Shiva and Parvati

That the universe was contained in his belly

And that hundreds of Ganesha statues all around the world

Mysteriously drank milk in 1995 and again in 2006

So my sense of him was ancient, powerful and active in the modern world

And so I set my meditation chime

And began my sit

What happened next was a touchstone moment in my life

Here, as I am in the thick of packing and moving

I’m going to tell the story of that meditation

And the subsequent evenings, over the next several days

Partially to share its deep meaning for me

Partly to anchor my learning from that time into this moment

And wholly to invoke and appreciate Ganesha

His influence and role in my life

As I begin this next chapter

Ask for his blessing

Because when I sat that evening

List by my side

I entered the purest experience of love I’d ever known

I was carried into a vibration of joyful presence

That utterly captivated me.

The moment my chime toned

Was one of the most disappointing moments of my life

As it shifted me out of the fullness of the experience

Where I’d spent 25 blissful minutes

So, first, I was disappointed to have been distracted out of that state

Then, I was disappointed because my meditation was over

And I hadn’t addressed a single thing on my list

At which point I sensed a warm chuckle within me

And heard in my head, clear as a bell

“Where there is Love

Nothing else Matters”

And as that resonated in me

I could laugh at my list

At anything, really

Because those moments and that feeling

Surpassed all others I’d had

And truly nothing else mattered

I can’t recall right now if I heard a voice

Or just had the impression

Of being called to meditate with Ganesha

For the next seven nights

But as you can imagine, I was eager to do it again

And we’ll hear about that tomorrow

But that meditation is still the most connected I’ve ever felt

And I cherish it, the memory of it, the echo of it

And bow to Ganesha

Again

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I love the wholeness of recognizing the divine being in both friction and flow

That ease is rarely full-time

And that the ‘not ease’ parts are holy too

It’s all divine favor, not just the happy bits

The whole of the yin and the yang rests in the tao

I remember the moment

In my Calypso blue laundry room in Rhode Island

I realized I had been spending my life

Trying to erase the yin side of my inner taiji

I wanted to be all light

Any darkness was to be transformed

Overwhelmed by light

It was exhausting

And ineffective

I hadn’t realized how much anxiety I’d had about it

And it was a lot

I’ve been training for years

To get curious about the darkness

To take refuge in the Divine Feminine

For the rich, nourishing aspects

And the opportunity to gently meet the shadows

From my own life

From my ancestors

And from this intense collective reality

Believing the divine is in all of it

I know this in theory

And I’m inviting it in practice

And writing and discussing it reminds me, reflects more deeply

I’ve done Michael Brown’s The Presence Process several times

In it he describes joy, not as constant happiness, but as

presence/confidence/dexterity through the full range of emotions

Knowing we have the capacity for all of it

Without making any aspect wrong or lesser

Being present to each in its season

I am here now in this

That’s the mantra

There’s no succeeding so well you don’t have problems anymore

Succeeding is meeting life fully

In relationship with it as it’s unfolding

Not compared to an image of what it’s supposed to look or feel like

What it feels like now

And now

And now.

Straight lines are not expected

And often we’re too engaged with sensing life in the moment to try to imagine it any better

What ‘favor’ might look like

What my life would look like if I were doing it right

Maximizing my full potential

Contributing at the highest level

That’s exhausting, too.

I feel like the river in the valley between the mountains

I am not trying to climb anything

I’ve given up holding my petticoats from getting dirty

They’re dirty

And that’s ok

I have a full ½ of the Taiji

On which the stains won’t show

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The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda contains 8 volumes

Which I didn’t know when I picked up the one marked 9

Instead of his teachings, I received his letters

Which were often mundane, but became a delight

Because he, Swami Vivekananda, a true beacon of God Consciousness

Was worried about money and health and schedule conflicts

Experiencing plenty of uncertainty and frustration

Navigating it in trust - but that did not necessarily bring quick comfort

How freeing to have one of the spiritual greats

Experiencing life like the rest of us

Tending to ‘the full catastrophe’ with concern and complexity

His rich spiritual embodiment

Not a magic wand

That kept him above troubles

He walked with troubles, anchored in the divine

Even still with confusion sometimes, and struggle.

That was a revelation to me

Although it shouldn’t be

Wasn’t Christ’s life full of struggle? Buddha’s? Muhammad’s? Gandhi’s? Mother Theresa’s?

Why do I have this idea that if God was pleased with me, if I were ‘in flow’, my life would be easy?

No spiritual story tells the tale of the divine having a favorite making everything easy on someone

But ‘that it should be that way’ flavors the water inside my head

And makes struggle a problem. An indication I’m out of favor.

A referendum on my worth or capacity

But it’s not.

It’s just what is happening

And my job is to meet what’s happening to the best of my ability

Even if the best of my ability

Might be lying curled up on the couch

breathing with care and attention

Tending to the overwhelmed child

Because in the course of a single day

I am experiencing a huge swath of emotions

From trust, surrender, sometimes even curiosity

To breakdown, frozenness and fear

With appreciation, frustration and mindless administration all getting their time, too

And with that village’s worth of emotional states

It takes a whole spice shelf of practices heavily seasoning my days:

Meditation, somatic breathing, postural alignment

Interpersonal work, walking, biking, strength training

Listening to Paul Selig’s work, journaling, writing this,

Conversations with dear ones and sitting with trees

It’s generally keeping me soft

Except for where its not

For example:

I have always considered myself an Olympic Sleeper

As in, if Sleeping were an Olympic sport,

I would definitely medal

But not lately

Sleep has been challenging

My digestion is off

Sometimes I catch myself staring blankly into space in a way that

If I saw it happening to you, I’d insist you see a doctor immediately

But I’m trying to remember these as natural experiences in a time of stress

Not proof life hates me or that I’m doing it wrong

A sign of process

And I’m in a process

As everyone is, in seasons of varying intensity

God is the friction and the flow

For each of us.

Even the greats.

And that takes some of the sting out of it for me, and helps me remember not to beat myself up.

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Oh cosmic birther of all Radiance and vibration

Soften the ground of our being

And carve out a space within us where your presence can abide.

Fill us with your creativity

So that we may be empowered to bear the fruit of your mission.

Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance with our desire.

Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share

What each being needs to grow and flourish.

Untie the tangled threads of destiny

That bind us as we release others from the entanglement of past mistakes.

Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true purpose,

But illuminate the opportunities of our present moment.

For you are the ground and the fruitful vision,

The birth power and fulfillment

As all is gathered and made whole once again.

And so say I = Amen

This translation of the Lord’s Prayer, translated directly from the Aramaic to English

As opposed to translated from Aramaic to Greek to Latin to English

Turned up on Buddha at the Gas Pump many years ago

It’s weirdly controversial

Not to me. At one point I had more than 20 translations of the Tao Te Ching

Each of them different

Translation is an art, and can’t be separated from the translator

It’s today’s poem because I need its grace so deeply myself

I hope you find it soothing also

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

A pastor was walking down a country road

He came along a beautiful farm

It’s fence was straight, beyond it the orchard was well tended

He saw rows of vegetables, neatly trimmed and growing strong

Before long he saw a beautiful farmhouse with a well and shade trees

And then a freshly painted barn, with contented animals milling about

As he continued, he saw a farmer in the field and called out to him,

“God has blessed you with a beautiful farm!”

The farmer looked up, and paused a moment and smiled,

“He has,” he called back, “and I’m grateful”

“But you should’ve seen it when he had it to himself”

When I was a child, my father often listened to Earl Nightengale

Whose deep, expressive voice told dozens of these stories I still remember

This has long been my favorite.

I loved the cooperation between effort and grace

Blessings bestowed, blessings cultivated..

It’s odd to share this story here

Given that my life feels like the mirror opposite right now

Any pastor walking by would cringe at the crooked fence, peeling paint, wild brambles

This is not my moment of bucolic resonance

But we’re here, lifting and carrying, planting and watering

Hoping the seeds take even as the land looks somewhat dry and barren

(We’re moving to the desert in 2 weeks)

Still, there are patches I have tended

Aspects of my life that are beautiful even in the midst of the instability

People have called out to me how blessed I am

And they’re right. And I’m grateful.

Because what’s growing here isn’t finished yet

And will be the result of many factors, seen and unseen

Effort and Grace

Regulation and Relationships

Weather and whatever seeds are able to germinate

Your support is part of it, too

And i can tell you this:

I sure am glad I don’t have it all to myself

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I came to meditation the long way

I tried for years, but really couldn’t pull off a daily sit on the regular

Meditation often felt like just one more thing to do

Worse, it felt like one more thing to beat myself up for not doing

And do we not all have more than enough things to do

And far too many things we beat ourselves up about?

So my relationship with meditation was fraught

At some point, maybe 15 years ago

I learned that you can’t think and feel at the same time

(though you can move between them very quickly)

I began taking single, slow, intentional breaths

With the focus of my attention on the feeling state of my body

Simply to get out of my mind

Because I was definitely in my head too much

And it was affecting my quality of life.

Committing to a single breath focused on my feeling state

Did not feel like one more thing because I was breathing anyway, this one was just conscious

And it felt like a teeny bit of sanity

And, because I was often a little distracted for that one breath

I’d usually take another

And that second breath felt so good, and was so somatically interesting

It was easy to take a third

Thich Nhat Hanh spoke about “three breaths and a smile”

So, I’d throw in a smile

And that felt good, too.

Now, I started A Course In Miracles in 1989

And many of its lessons invited repeating something every 10 minutes all day long

In 1989, in order to do that, I had to carry around a stopwatch

No sweet little iphone prompts or automated reminders like they have now

So, I got pretty good at bringing something into awareness multiple times per hour

Which has served me well with these ‘focus on feeling’ single or multiple breaths

I think on average I do it about 30 times per day (better if I do it 50-100!)

And those single breath turned multiple breath interludes

Developed my capacity for tuning my attention inward

Which naturally developed a capacity for sitting in meditation

So that both a longer sit, and periodic breaths, has become natural and supportive

Not another thing on my to do list

But a regular dose of sanity, of care, of calm

It doesn’t feel like it’s stealing my time

In fact, it feels like it expands the time available to me

It slows down the moment I’m in and the ones around it

It gives me more time and more resource and more gentleness with myself

So, I offer

If you struggle with meditation

Consider committing to a single, intentional breath each day

Where the focus of your attention is on the feeling state of your body

It will contribute immediately to a sense of regulation

And may evolve into a rich and supportive practice

Because without our intervention

Time is speeding by relentlessly

Adding more and more things to our plates

But they’re our plates

And we have permission to pause the onslaught

At least for a breath

Because we know, cellularly

Every breath counts.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

In the beginning

There was hydrogen and gravity

Gravity gathered hydrogen

Building heat

Forging stars

Within those stars

Gravity + hydrogen became kinetic energy became fusion

Creating the elements

First helium, then carbon, then oxygen…

Eventually all of the material world

And all of the invisible energetic forces

In all of the permutations of the universe

From giant stars to a baby porcupine

All of this

started from one relationship

And the dynamics at play

Started billions of years ago

And ongoing

Creative in every moment.

When I was little

I believed that the stars were planets

On which my other choices were actualized

So, if I wanted peanut butter and jelly

But got a tuna sandwich

On some planet, i was happily munching a PB&J

On some planet, that bully was a friend

On some planet, my dad wasn’t dying

I remember looking at the stars

Wondering which was which

Not jealous, really, but tender

Glad that at least some version of me had what I wanted

Wondering what wish they had that I was unknowingly fulfilling.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit

I am not thoroughly convinced that childhood paradigm isn’t true

It’s wildly complex - every choice having a different reality

Multiplied by 8 billion people and all the choices we make each day

And those made for us

It’s bigger than my imagination can begin to conceive

It actually hurts to try

Which brings me to

The peace of God which passeth all understanding

When I seek to understand this vast universe and all its complexity

There’s something fun and exciting and engaging

But ultimately, it's too much

Its too big and I feel empty and frustrated in my trying

When i can sit and breathe and listen

Experience surpasses any desire for understanding

Which actually feels like a distraction

I know more processes than I can count are going on right here in my own body

And I don’t have to worry about any of them

It becomes an experiential softness

And that peace arises

In my body, and in my nervous system

And it is restorative

I sit, as many times per day as I can muster

Sometimes for just a breath or three

In that softness

That is both still and carrying all the motion

It lets me along for the ride

And i can trust it

And let it carry me

Because i cannot carry myself, no matter how hard i try

But that peace?

That peace is possible, if only for a few minutes a day

Trusting in whatever made that first element and that first force

And is continuing to make all of this

Even a glimpse of that peace

In my body

In my breath

In my heart

Brings me into relationship with life

Instead of trying to orchestrate it

Letting it orchestrate me

In concert with you and all of creation

Because relationship is what created us

And it is surely what will sustain us

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I keep expecting to spontaneously combust

Like, any moment now

It feels like it might be a relief

The density of this season’s financial and housing stress

Exacerbated by what feels to be a consistent stream of schedule, requirement and rule changes

Moreso than just in regular life

It’s unsustainable

It’s taken every skill, every practice, every tool I have

And very often lately that has not been enough

I’ve relied on triads - spacious human contact- quite a bit

The kindness and patience of friends and family

And spent lots of time just somewhat numb

Just enduring

Breathing into my back as my coping mechanism of choice

Exhaling through my mouth

I never breathe through my mouth

Yeah, well things change

Desperate times, desperate measures

Being responsive to what today requires

What this moment requires, what this breath requires

And tending to it

And not judging myself for the perceived imperfections of that tending

Not looking too far ahead

(Nothing to see there)

Today’s focus is today

The breath provides just enough safety to be ok in this moment

Certain things are falling away, tho

Pictures of what should be

Ideas of how I should be

A lot of shoulds

Just falling off a cliff

Giving way to what is in its most basic form

Which is great

Perhaps freeing

(I’ll know more when I’m less numb)

I just don’t want the shoulds to climb back up the hill

Like dementors unburdened by gravity

I’d like to recognize the mirages

That have had a grip on my vision

Once seen clearly, never to be mistaken again

This reorganization is daunting

But the potential for transformation is like never before

It may feel low today, and i may feel out of oxygen

But I feel like I’m touching the floor at the bottom of the pool

It’s a matter of re-orienting

But once i get my footing,

Watch out!

Perhaps I’ll be able to push off with power

And jet to the surface

For that much needed air

In the meanwhile, I’m acutely aware

The kindness of others, sometimes just their presence, is like scuba divers’ air sharing

Kindness isn’t just nice, it’s vitality itself

Perhaps this time of upheaval

Is to turn something very significant upside down

From an m to a w

From me to we

♥️

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com