Falling Gently Podcast

Avon Road, in Rochester, Michigan, dead-ends into Adams Road

Just southeast of Meadow Brook Music Festival

It’s a road my family traveled often on our way home

And for about a 9 month period when I was in my early teens

I had a recurrent experience with a stunning wisteria tree

Which sat in a yard a few houses east of the light

If we were the 7th or 8th car in line, I could view this tree out the passenger window

And when I did

The tree played with me

It was a specific exchange

I consider it the most spiritual experience of my life

And I’ve tried to reconnect to this tree specifically

And to any part of nature in general in the same way

But, no dice

What happened, time and again, when all the conditions were right

Is that as I gazed upon the tree

I felt her gazing back at me

The space between the tree and me remained the same

But the distance collapsed entirely

I could go back and forth between regular gazing

And this kind of communion

And the tree seemed amused that I would do that

And, as weird as this sounds

The tree acted as a kind of portal

In that, when I was in the orientation of communion

I felt like I could understand the whole world through her

She was the focal point

Through which everything was more intimate than what I normally experienced

It would last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes.

These two states were visually distinct

Like when you look exclusively through your right eye, and then through your left

And it even had a physical sensation - subtle but pervasive

It was absolutely fascinating and truly fun.

I loved it when our ride home included Avon Road

Though it was still dependent on being stopped for the light

This was not something that could be achieved in a drive-by.

Genuinely curious if this was something others experienced, I mentioned it to someone I respected

Who suggested it sounded occult, and I was young, and it was dangerous and probably not good

I still regret heeding that advice

Because no amount of will has been able to recreate the sensations and perceptual shift that tree offered

And, here, most of my life later, I recognize that kind of communion

As my highest aspiration

Jack Kornfield has a book

After the Ecstasy, The Laundry

Detailing the longing that often takes place

In the aftermath of a profound spiritual experience

I’ve found that book very helpful, and am going to pull it out and read it again

But what is alive for me today as I reminisce about that gift

Is the total shift in perception that tree afforded me

And the world beyond it that became palpable

It was absolutely heavenly

And it was right there, on Avon Road

Occasionally I argue with letters, commune with trees, and question reality. Subscribe if that sounds like your kind of thing.

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Well over a year ago, in conversation

My son told me he was ‘chalant’

I told him that wasn’t a word

He insisted it was

I insisted it wasn’t

My son is an extremely laid back young man

He could be late for something he cares about

And still saunter from the car to the door when I drop him off

I have literally never seen him run

I assumed he meant nonchalant

Because, well, he is

But it turns out, he is sometimes, out in the wild

More invested, proactive and engaged

Not afraid of people seeing his interest and care

And thereby referred to by some as chalant

A term I found both incorrect and ludicrous

Until about 5 months ago when I started seeing articles about being chalant

Popping up everywhere

This idea of being unabashedly emotionally available

I had to call my son and eat crow

Luckily, he’s pretty gracious about it

It’s not the first time I’ve had to update my files

Via a little scuffle with my kids I was sure I was right about

It feels that somewhere between puberty and driver’s licenses

The dynamic shifted

The flow of information no longer went from me to them

But slowly began to reverse

Instead of me informing them

They began updating me

It’s humbling

And often hilarious

And it makes me feel better about the future

I was happy to learn that my laid-back son isn’t afraid to be present and engaged

Indeed, he told me

“I can’t wait to see how emotionally intelligent my kids are’

‘Oh yeah?’ I asked

“Yeah. I mean, you’re so much more emotionally intelligent than your parents

And i’m so much more emotionally intelligent than you…”

After I stopped laughing

And maybe wanting to kick him

In all his sincerity and all of mine

I kindof like that what I think I know isn’t necessarily ‘right’ anymore

That new things are always emerging

I just hope I can keep up

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I spent the first half of my life aggressively pursuing peace

In myself (Meditate more! Read more books! Find the Magic Formula!)

In my family (See how smart I am and do what I say and we’ll be fine!)

And in the world (Protest! Lobby! Canvass! Convince! Enroll! Recycle!)

Yet those heartfelt efforts did not generate the experience of peace

They kept an idea of peace just out of reach

And dependent upon herding colonies of wildly disinterested cats

Eventually, all that well-intentioned aggression fried my nervous system

A nervous system, like so many others, tuned to chronic urgency

The floor was always lava

It was not a game

My individual reorientation came through illness

My sister’s came through grief

The list of specific mechanisms is endless

But the dynamic at play was:

All these ideas you have about what’s right and wrong

Maybe take a breath

And learn to listen instead of dictate

To participate instead of compulsively organize

Align instead of direct

For a person who thought her devotion necessarily had to pay dividends in the world

It’s a radical reorganization of identity and purpose

It’s also extremely relieving

I’m not sure if hamsters think the wheel will get them out of the cage

But it doesn’t, no matter how hard they try

The wheel appeals to their natural desire to run in their environment

But it doesn’t fulfill it

Instinct redirected to futility

It also has an antidote

An intentional design that harnesses the instinct

Because while sometimes little rodents are desperate to find food or escape predators

Even well-nourished hamsters in the wild continue to run and forage

As a participatory act in the ecology

But those are two very different points of origin

One is panicked, the other is more relaxed.

Both are active

One is generative

Like if the hamster wheel powered an Easy Bake Oven of hamster treats

All my strain didn’t yield peace

But my growing peace continues to dissolve strain

It doesn’t make me passive

But it surely makes me less anxious

And more than even my best organizing

Meeting hard things softly

Invites a generosity of care

That lets peace grow

Stay tuned to see if I invent an Easy Bake Oven for hamster treats…

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My Tai Chi teacher used to say I practiced Dead Spider Tai Chi

I was always poised to collapse

I swore I was standing straight and ‘strong’

But when I got tapped even lightly from the side

My leg would collapse into center

Same with my torso or my arms

I can now feel that it originated in the tilt of my hips

And the relationship from hip to ankle to foot to earth

But for years, this stability eluded me

Five minutes with Sue Choi shifted the dynamic forever

I finally found Unbreakable Leg

Practicing her work, I experience the body’s promises

I am supported

I have power without strain

And I am at ease

These aren’t affirmations

They’re the felt sense of a body organized for coherence

What’s funny is I remember being awkward in my body as a kid

And hoping I’d learn how to inhabit it correctly someday

Sue’s work brought that day into being

By aligning reliably into what she calls the neutral body or the body of resource

I can feel the weight of gravity move through my bones

And the more settled I become, the more I can notice and release tension and bracing

Oh-so-much tension and bracing

Although I would’ve assured you I didn’t hold tension

I was so enmeshed in it, I identified it as my ‘self’

Sue’s work also brought into clarity something I’d been dancing around with dozens of somatic teachers

The body of story, my habitual posture made up of accumulated tensions

The residue of a lifetime of bracings, small and large

Compounded into fields that literally restructured my posture

I began to notice that my body took on specific shapes during different emotions

And when I could intentionally organize my body differently

It loosened the weight of my mood

Attention to aligning to and exploring the neutral body

Has helped me reclaim my body’s natural resources

My stories were organizing my posture to a huge degree

Now my design is

And as I get better at this

I notice these little tensions that have run via my subconscious

Just in the background

All the time, perhaps from last week, perhaps from 50 years ago

But now they get the light of attention

And the structure of alignment I can relax into and move from

Coherent Body gave me the reference and knowing I never learned as a kid

How to organize myself to receive the natural support and power of a living being

Counterbalancing so much accumulated bracing

I was trapped in a web of my own tensions

And didn’t know the simple shifts that could release me

Now I do

I wish I’d had this knowledge straight out the gate

So I could’ve been a nimble panther in my Tai Chi and in my life

Without that pesky Dead Spider phase

Join me in exploring the felt sense of freedom and possibility even when things are tough.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My partner greatly contributes to my well-being

But he is not who I would’ve chosen for myself.

My younger self romanticized a partner who was dazzling

I worked backstage at a music venue in my youth. It was a lot of fun.

I quickly adapted to proximity to influence

I expected to be in the center of arts and culture

Laughing with a glass of champagne in one hand

Watching world-class musicians sitting on the couch playing Beatles songs

I expected a flashy life

My husband is not flashy

I knew him for months and would not have considered dating him

He was a bit quiet for me

Incredibly understated

Very laid back

It was not until Janet Goings came back after a three week business trip to Japan with him and said

He is ‘the best person to travel with’

Did I open to seeing him in a different way

And it was like a bell being struck

I had dated many wonderful, charismatic men

With often turbulent dynamics

I’d traveled with several

And it was usually fraught

Someone wonderful to travel with piqued my interest

So, I gave him a shot.

The harmony I experienced in our relationship was almost a shock

Not only “not turbulence”

But actual harmony

Respectful, mutual care and active appreciation

Not flashy

But very compelling

I was, actually and literally, surprised every day for the first decade of my marriage

Low-key waiting for reality to set in

The honeymoon to wear off

The low-level discord to creep in

What I didn’t fully realize

Was that we came from two different relational orientations

I hadn’t even known his existed

I grew up with fiery, maybe contentious communication

Yelling was not uncommon

Defending one’s rightness was the dynamic

My husband speaks his words, quietly and curiously

Because of that

I have never felt like he was questioning my goodness

Even if he was inquiring about a choice or behavior he didn’t care for

He’d ask me about it

He didn’t challenge me over it

He’d ask how I got to that conclusion

And then listen while I explained what I was thinking

He did this so many times, so gently and so consistently

He taught me to, too

Prior to him

I thought disagreement necessarily involved discord

The idea that the other person wasn’t somehow attacking or invalidating me?

I’d really never imagined it

Because of this, we could address things when they were tiny

With curiosity

His communication style set a field of safety I’d never imagined

But it didn’t come fully formed

It came as a bud

After Janet planting the seed

And, it’s true, he really is great to travel with.

Once we went to Sicily, where my grandfather built a shrine

And on the ferry ride there

My husband was on the bow with all the Italian day-trip truck drivers

At first, he thought dozens of fights were about to break out.

All these guys in each other’s space, gesturing wildly

Their facial expressions -

My husband’s Swedish. That’s not the way his people converse.

Watching the whole ordeal unfold uneventfully

He eventually recognized they were just Sicilians talking about sports and the weather.

He laughed. At them. At himself.

At how what looks dangerous to one person might be commonplace to another

When we re-joined, he said, “I think I understand your family better”

‘Yeah, Welcome to my world,’ I said

‘And I’m so glad you introduced me to yours’

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

There are only so many times a person can be earnestly trying for something

Watching other people seem to get it easily

And remain chipper in their congratulations

Even when those well-wishes are heartfelt and without reproach

It’s hard to keep envy entirely out of the equation

And curiosity about what makes it unavailable to me

This is hard. And tricky. And no one dances through it unscathed.

And a well of compassion for so many people in so many situations erupts in me

Even as I encounter my own flavor of it

I’ve had the same pain point for years

I can derive meaning, glean insight, and wax poetic about it

I can also even notice and appreciate advantages it affords me

Even as I cannot deny the disadvantages

So many things can be true at once, it’s mindboggling

But as I move through the days where my efforts fall flat

I feel it’s a little bit like living in an apartment I don’t like

Just wanting to GTFO

And maybe washing the windows

To make being here more bearable for today

I had a friend say a few weeks ago: “Maybe you’re just not meant to work”

And the cascade of bristling

“Tell that to the electric company”

“How is that fair to my husband?”

“Do I just capitulate and accept that there isn’t a place I can serve society?”

Came into direct opposition to some burdensome belief

That I have to try

No matter how many people ignore or reject me

I have to keep offering myself

That’s what my therapist said

And I don’t know if it’s true

(I have, actually, fired that therapist)

But, today, my approach is about getting comfortable in Limbo

There’s a Catholic belief that babies who die before baptism

Have to wait out the Second Coming in this in-between place

Not heaven

Not hell

Just limbo

Feels familiar

And if I’m going to be here a while

As I have been in this specific area of my life

I may as well exercise my acceptance muscle

Stop being certain there’s a different expression of life

Wherein my role in the world is flourishing in a way that is evident to myself

I have tried every door, every window, every mouse hole with both left hand and right

Limbo is not releasing me

So, I may as well wash the windows

Maybe get a new bathmat

Hang a picture or two

Get comfortable

And make the desperate parts of me some tea and crackers

Not because anything has changed

But because I’ve lived long enough to know

Resistance costs peace

So I may as well make myself at home

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We had a deal with our kids

They could participate in pixels

(TV, computers, iPads, phones)

For the exact amount of time they spent being creative in the day

Spend an hour or two drawing, writing, building, playing music or sports

I will give you no grief about that game you want to play

You want to binge it?

You’re going to need to bank some creative time

Which often got them into deep-focus projects.

We also had pixel free days and sometimes weeks

At the beginning of the week, there was little but complaint

By the end of the week, integrating pixels back in was almost awkward

Those days have passed

Kids have become adults and my rules no longer apply to them

But I now apply this rule for my own engagement with exterior voices

I can’t consume more than I create

And for every tale of Armageddon I ingest

I owe myself its antidote: ascension narrative

For every political outrage

A tale of heroism in service to life and love

It’s not far from my food philosophy

For every dark leafy green and rainbow-colored meal I eat

I can have latitude with a less than ideal option

And while I can bank dark leafy green days

I can’t accumulate cheat days

So, the old Taoist approach of ‘moderation in all things’

The seed of an antidote in every poison, and potential for poison in every antidote

Might just apply to everything

Even today

Nothing we’re experiencing here is new

It’s the current expression of ancient dynamics

Ever at play

My relationship to the friction between

Citizenship and mental health

Has me consuming a certain amount of media

Balancing the crazy with the inspirational helps me

And key to grounding that balancing act

Is spending an equal amount of time in expression

Writing. Painting. Rearranging a shelf. Making a sign.

That’s how I keep from being overwhelmed by the very real s**t show

And far more optimistic about what’s possible in the world and between each other

And within myself

Perhaps this can be my conversational orientation as well

Yes, I’ll listen to your political views for exactly as long as you’re willing to explore what you want to create

And even: I’ll indulge my periodic disillusionment as long as I commit to a one-drop drawing

I recently read: the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s expression

To think

The best of my parenting is now parenting me.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

At almost any hour of any day

If you ask me what time it is

My impromptu response will be within 3-4 minutes of what the clock says

And usually right on the nose

It’s uncanny

But made infinitely weirder by the fact

That I have zero precision anywhere else in my relationship with time

I’ve never worn a watch

I rarely carry my phone

I’ve recently heard the term “time drunk” and was a little scared at how much it resonated

And it’s not just me

My sister’s friend once summed up my father:

“I picture your dad, a martini in one hand, a handful of peanuts in the other

Having to be somewhere 15 minutes ago, and deciding to take a nap”

Yup.

There was a belligerence in his relationship to time all of his life

We were all effected, and most of his children have some form of time wonkiness

Wreaking all kinds of havoc

My favorite dentist lied to me about my appointment time for years

I was grateful, but once I knew, we were right back to rolling the dice as to when I’d be there

Parenting made me able to act more responsibly, but just kindof

During the few years my kids went to school

I routinely showed up just as they were sending attendance to the office

“Hey, kid! Hand me that clipboard! I’m just going to erase this little checkmark…”

Contrast that with my husband

When he took the kids to school they often had to wait for the teacher to come unlock the door

My daughter is like my husband. My son is like me.

I wish we were all somewhere in the middle

But life is full of nebulous wishes, stubborn proclivities, and unpredictable transformations

As well as specific wishes, remarkable growth and intentional shifts

I am very clear that I can control very little of it

Even, often, my own behavior

But, I’m equally clear that I can be curious about my relationship to it, my experience of it, and my participation in it

Without it being a referendum on my worth

Not running to or from this state or that state, but knowing all the states arise and fall

Not ‘a good day because I was on time’

Or ‘a bad day because i repeated a pattern I’m ashamed of’

Just a day

A day full of wonder and heartbreak on this earth

Billions of instances of each

And the sweet and salty taste of participation.

With homage to the great Chicago song - Yes, I generally know what time it is - and also, No, historically I have not cared - but this seems to be changing as the inquiry continues…

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I am a coiner of aphorisms

One of my favorites is:

“Wonderful capacity. Terrible default setting.”

The first time I used it was counseling my nephew about a job interview

His capacity to inflate himself would come in handy

But be perilous if it was all he brought to the conversation

I knew, as I said it, it was going to stick

And I’ve returned to it again and again

Empathy is a wonderful capacity

As a default setting, we get lost in others’ experience.

Drive is a wonderful capacity

As a default setting, it bypasses satisfaction and leads to burnout

Recognizing our own faults is a wonderful capacity

But as a default setting it is grueling and self-eroding

We’re naturally multidimensional

And it is a disservice to ourselves and others to rely on a single mode of being.

No matter how well we think it works for us

Cross-training is an excellent physical example we would do well to apply more broadly

When my daughter injured her ACL and the doctors recommended surgery

A gifted physical therapist told us:

“The way she moves is centered on her strengths, which led to the injury.

Get the surgery without changing the pattern, she’ll have the same problem again

What she needs is strength and flexibility through her full range of motion”

She had been playing to her strengths

And who could blame her for that default setting

But without fully tended foundations

Those strengths were going to collapse

And so we postponed the surgery to develop her capacity

And she never needed the surgery

In fact, instead of being on the injured list that season

She ended up winning conference honors.

With “strength and flexibility through the full range of motion”

Rotating our capacities as appropriate

Becomes our default setting

Responsive to the moment

Harnessing the fullness of what we’ve done before

To apply it in a responsive and sometimes new way

This isn’t just a physical ideal

It applies broadly to our lives

It doesn’t diminish our strengths

It supports them, and makes them sustainable, and gives us range

When our focus becomes too narrow, too repetitive, too default

Important things are left to atrophy

Reducing the ground that supports us

Even if we really enjoy relying on our favorite strategies

(they’re so comforting)

(Hollywood loves a good formula)

But life is a broader spectrum

And every moment asks me to meet it anew

Even if I’ve gotten into a habit of responding as if today were a repeat of yesterday

And I want to repeat the trick that got the most applause

I mean, it’s a wonderful capacity, but a terrible default setting

And as I notice how many subtle defaults I employ every day

I’m trying to appreciate them, and invite them backstage

To the raucous afterparty

Where I never know what is going to happen next.

Whatever happens next, I’d love for you to join me in this exploration of bringing our whole selves to participate in life

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I polish the orb of spiritual devotion as a vocation

My belief in the Divine as All is ever-revealed the more softly I look, the more openly I feel

Everything in life is singing

We are all humming along

Creating.

Relating.

Attention as currency

We invest in what we value

Or what we’re compelled by

Isn’t it beautiful when those two things are the same?

When attention isn’t hijacked

I’m still trying to slow down enough to discern the trigger

That moves my attention from polishing the orb of my appreciation

To inadvertently pushing it down a slippery slope to a well of despair/dread/insecurity

This is the conundrum with which I began this journey

How can so much of my life be so replete

And this existential insecurity sometimes take over

The polarity is alive within my life as peace interspersed by panic at varying intervals and intensities

And even while peace has the bulk of the real estate

It doesn’t take long for a tornado to tear up a town

I was just reading about the triumphs of community after disasters

How the swell of need brings a focal point for our natural care, love, service, compassion, connection

We want to make a difference in each others’ lives

We just often don’t know how

Care is a current

I feel like I look into it as if it were double dutch ropes

Waiting for my opportunity, tripping with my attempts

But I know what it feels like to jump in rhythm

I know what it feels like to be in community where those who temporarily have more can fill the gaps for those who temporarily have less

But I also live in a world with a freshly minted trillionaire

As the world burns

So, living with the full spectrum of what’s happening

Perhaps it makes sense I’d vacillate between connected wonder and abject horror

Here’s what I want:

I don’t want the orb of wonder on a pedestal it can fall from

I want to quit wearing smooth the incline of insecurity that allows attention to fall

Like a marble through a vertical maze each time the world seems unacceptable or unaccepting

I want to cultivate a rich loamy soil

Terrain my wonder can traverse

And be shaped by.

Meditation and somatic practice open and clear my relational channels within and without

But the nuance I’m going for here

As I look at how I want to treat myself and move through the world

Is entirely relational

Where my inner first responder can care for my lamenting victim without either part feeling shame

Receiving care as well as giving it, and giving it freely

Letting it be part of the community of me in the vastness of ongoing creation

Recognizing that wonder, grief, outrage, tenderness, helplessness, and service are not competing realities

But movements within the same field.

This field.

The field we share.

Humming along.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com