Falling Gently Podcast

I’ve been tasked with composing a single sentence description of ‘what I do’

Never have I felt more verbose and less clear

What do I stand for? What do I want to say?

I stand for so many things

Chief among them, remembering our wholeness (which is immediately fractured by naming a slice)

Connection, Interdependence, a context of becoming

While fully imperfect at it myself, I’ve made tremendous advances

By slowing down

Inhabiting and identifying as the whole of myself

Expanding my sense of self beyond my thinking

Accepting a dynamic role in the complex web of life

It includes spirituality, somatics, psychology, ecology, social and economic justice

The whole thing is about relationships

And approaching all of our relationships, including our relationship with ourselves

With openness and curiosity, not labels

A nimble readiness to meet the moment anew

Feeling the subtle and natural resources supporting us, despite very real challenges

Acknowledging those challenges

And having a relationship with life that believes we can meet them

With curiosity, creativity & collaboration

I believe I have a unique capacity to listen inside a context of becoming

And reflect the wholeness taking shape even in what feels like fragmentation

I know we need each other to remind each other of our light and life’s potential

How do I put this into a sentence?

I get that it would be helpful

Much like staring at a counter full of colorful, perfect vegetables

And not wanting to cut them up to make a soup

But a girl’s gotta eat…

All these words… so many words

Ideas and contexts and practices and remembrances

Want to breath and flow, swirl and intermix

I know that whatever sentence I come up with doesn’t have to be “it”

But I sure would like it to represent the heart of my devotion

It’s just that my devotion is so big

Utterly unified but wildly diverse

The tagline of this Substack is “daily chronicles of a resourced life in crisis”

Because that was true

I’ve had many people say “you’ve got to change that phrase: it’s not what it is at all”

But i have yet to receive a suggestion for what it actually is

I don’t like labels. I think labels are a huge part of our collective problems

Taglines can be fun, but I have yet to come up with one that settles my nervous system

That sets the field I want to live and work within

And so, I continue to float without landing

But I’m tired, and I do want to land.

“Remembering wholeness as life emerges through us” is what I’ve come up with so far

But it needs more -

How this remembrance chips away at anxiety, recontextualizes pain, and connects us

The role of nature, of our bodies, of our approach

The sacredness of inquiry, presence, and rest

Here I am with a whole lot of words, and yet not much closer

Thanks for witnessing

And if you have any ideas, recipes for vegetable soup

I’m wide open

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My favorite at-home retreat is a 45/15 schedule

45 minutes of activity followed by 15 minutes of active rest, all. day. long.

It’s beautiful.

The first time I did it, I set myself up with timers.

Activity. Alarm. Laying. Alarm. Activity. Alarm. Laying. Alarm

It took about 5 hours to sync up with the rhythm

And then I didn’t need the timers - the pace became natural

Tidying and laundry, and then laying down.

Then I’d get hungry and get up to make a snack, at which point the laundry was done

After which I laid down again, paying attention to my sensations, maybe writing, maybe reading, but mostly laying and breathing and noticing my body

At which point, the doorbell would ring…

What I’m trying to say is that after just a few hours, my day would reveal itself to me in that rhythm, where I would actually get quite a lot done, but I would also be very rested and grounded.

I’ve used it in preparation for holidays which is amazing, because I think I have too much to do to have time for rest

But getting the rest actually gets the stuff done, too

And I feel good

Today, I noticed that same invitation - my day offering itself in a pattern of activity and rest

And I’m so grateful

One thing leads to another and to another, and then to the couch

Then an activity arises, and another and another, and then out to the bench in the sun

The sun becomes too much, and the cycle starts again, and I think ‘I want to do this every day’

Because I stop directing my day and let it reveal itself to me

My typical overlay of my perspective and opinions and ideas about what I must do

Makes way to listen and move from that listening

Quite an upgrade to my experience

My thinking mind says I’m being irresponsible

My lived experience watches things get done between rest periods

And acquiesces

My cognitive mind doesn’t quite receive messages from staring at a bush for 10 minutes (I believe some people do)

But my body is getting more messages than I know how to translate

My nervous system is having a very different time than it does when i’m plotting my next action or evaluating my progress

Nature is speaking, always

Listening isn’t only cognitive

Listening does not need to translate what it hears

To shape my energy field

There’s a quote attributed to Alan Alda that says “true listening is letting yourself be changed by the other person”

I want to be changed by nature, too

That my wordless receptivity to wordless expressions of life living dynamically in the present moment

Align me with the heartbeat of nature and all of her beings

Lord knows listening in this day and age must be curated

The noise is loud. Everyone’s sharing their point of view. We all have visions of the world

But the world itself, that’s what I want to pay attention to

Not assessments or predictions

And when I listen to the voices in our culture inviting us into deeper relationship with the pulse of nature in all of her expressions

The ‘horizontal download’ of light from these sources shapes me

Listening is a privilege and a pleasure

Which is a welcome counterbalance

To the equally true atrocities also happening everywhere

I like to listen to Philip Shepherd and Tara Brach and Thomas Hubl

And let that listening shape me - and shape me it does

Yet it’s my own body and my own back yard where the shaping is most precise

Listening

Acting from that listening

Resting

It’s a beautiful pacing

And time for me to go lay down…

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We’re funny when we’re defensive

Ridiculous may be a better word

We’re all trying so hard

We want to be acknowledged for the intelligence in our efforts

Even when they’re fruitless or ineffective

There is intelligence there

And care

And that is a beautiful thing

And we’re protective of it

An inner allegiance

The result isn’t nearly as important as the care put into a macaroni necklace

When a kid presents a macaroni necklace to you

They know it’s not just what it looks like that matters

They know the care they put into it is part of the gift

And should it be received with criticism

It doesn’t feel like the macaroni necklace that’s being judged

But the maker and the care

There’s a dynamic here that I’m interested in

How tenderly we hold our inner being who is trying so hard

And how inadequate we can simultaneously find that same inner being

There is a story in Hinduism

That Brahma wanted to extend divinity to humans

But when humans walked around as gods, they abused it

So he had to hide it, so that it would be realized only when approached with humility and care

There was much discussion among the gods about where to hide divinity

“Shall we hide it at the top of the highest mountain?”

No, humans are industrious. They will find and climb that mountain.

Shall we hide it in the bottom of the deepest ocean?

No, humans are determined. They will conquer the ocean at any cost to seize the treasure.

Where shall we hide it then?

At some length, Brahma came to a decision, “I will hide it deep in the center of their own being. They will never think to look there. For those who do, the excavation will soften them to honor the heart of all of life”

We know this treasure is within us

Defensiveness comes up when something sacred feels unrecognized

I’ve felt it, and I’ve seen it - and bowing to the inner divinity diffuses the constriction

Yet, settling in to know our sacredness is a little harder sell for most of us

We seem to be hardwired to look for divinity outside of ourselves or at least at the end of some achievement

Which is sad in a host of ways, but I believe basically simply an expression of our social nature

Our need to reflect and be reflected

The outer world isn’t the place to discover our divinity

But the place to watch it dance, sing, and evolve.

So, I’m trying to receive those moments of defensiveness

As a reminder of the divinity within me

That doesn’t require my defensiveness but my own acknowledgement

The heart of divinity within my own heart

Sovereign and inherently connected

Alignment to the divinity within

Aligns me to the divinity in all

A place where success doesn’t come from conquering or achieving

But from feeling and participating

A witness to the wonder

A macaroni necklace

Held with the value of the crown jewels

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The Vedanta Society was formed around an exemplar named Ramakrishna in the late 1800’s

Once, one of his disciples was on a ferry and heard people disparaging the saint

When he got to the ashram, Ramakrishna scolded him

“You can listen to people speak falsehood about me and say nothing? What do I mean to you? You must defend the truth with all your strength!”

Months later, another devotee came across some folks being pretty unkind about Ramakrishna

And he let them have it, “How dare you! I know this man as you do not and I will defend his honor with my every breath.”

When he got back to the ashram, Ramakrishna scolded him

“You don’t need to defend me. Let people think what they will, it’s none of your business”

The disciple was confused. In fact, all of the students were confused

“But you said…”

“Yes, there is not one answer for all beings

I don’t give one direction to each of you

But speak to the development of each individual’s character and spiritual disposition

Tom is too timid, he has not found the fire of his devotion and must stoke it

Speaking up for that which he loves will cultivate that important trait

Jerry’s got no problem with fire, his center needs the cool flow of surrender

These are not contradictions but prescriptions

There are as many roads to God as there are human hearts

And each heart is unique and requires different interventions to realize its true nature”

I love this story because it makes perfect sense -

Of course you respond in the moment to the needs of the moment

To the individual about the individual

But it also speaks to this human proclivity of

Wanting to know the hard and reliable answer so i can play by the rules and do it right.

We keep looking for standards, when what we need is sensitivity

We are uncomfortable with what Philip Shepherd calls “the vagaries of the feminine”

The feminine will never predict or label you, she meets you exactly as you are in this specific encounter

We want the hard answers of the masculine with clear lines and things to do

But life is only kindof like that - we really need dexterity with both

Remember in The Sound of Music when the children had to be in line all the time with short, choppy answers, all treated the same,

The Captain trying to mould them all into rigid, predictable versions of themselves

And how they seemed a bit mean

And then Maria came with the arts and creativity, noticing their unique talents and interests, and they began to thrive individually and as a group?

I swoon about Maria

Then act like the Captain

I want the quirky, creative, laughter, but I also want it to come in clear, straight lines

Oh, sweet human heart. Breathe. Relax, and remember.

Left foot, right foot. We are built for this.

Luckily, we have reminders

Luckily, Life invites us again and again to get to know it

And if we slow down just a pinch

We get our own, sweet, personalized invitation

Come, bring your strengths to meet your vulnerabilities

To be in real relationship with ourselves, each other, life, and God.

photocredit: one of the students at the Sunday School program at the Ramakrishna Monastery in Trabuco Canyon California in March 2019

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I can’t remember what prompted me, in meditation one day, to shift my upward and outward orientation of devotion by 90 degrees

But it’s one of my favorite remembrances

Always, I prayed up and out, to the Light, to heaven, transcendent and supreme

Even when I knew God Is Everywhere, still I had some sense of preference for an “up there’ home base

Illness shifted me down and in, and that has been a stunningly robust and experiential orientation

But this 90 degree business was really interesting

When my north star shifts to the horizon

I am always walking toward God

And God is inhabiting the fullness of the landscape

The throne itself is on this plane

Heaven is right here.

And in this orientation, God’s intermediaries are also right here

Angels don’t have to come down from on high in metaphysical intervention

Angels can sit down for a cup of coffee, share a story, write a book

While I know and can feel my central core and sometimes can sense the light coming from the vertical

This orientation has me know and sense light coming from the horizontal as just as potent

And far more accessible

In addition to the wholeness of the beauty of nature as divine emissary on this plane

We become the conduits of God for each other

The kind word

The timely insight

The loving act

These horizontal downloads come at us from every angle all the time

But like everything, are more potent when noticed and appreciated

And when we look at the symbology of the cross

It’s the intersection of the vertical flow and the horizontal flow where our heart sits

The symbol does not prioritize the vertical as the place of holiness, but this meeting point

There’s a lovely practice from Access Consciousness

Where you bring your greatest longing as a crystal into your heart

And you just amp up this little crystal full of your highest vision of this longing fulfilled

The sensory attributes, the narrative, just the ideal expression of what it is you really want in full bloom

And the crystal grows and glows and begins to spin

And as you continue to fill it with aspiration and intent

Poof! It has so much energy it explodes

And while the original crystal shard remains in your heart

Its fragments have blown out into the world for you to discover

Distributed throughout time and space still holding the light and vibration of your longing

Your inner crystal will know when it meets another shard - they’ll both light up in recognition

Magnetized to each other as they are

And meet them you will

Out in the world, where they sit shining in nature, in people, in experiences and events

Waiting for you to discover, recognize, and receive

As you walk, open and knowing, across this horizontal plane.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Surely you’ve heard Alexander Den Heijer’s wise and wonderful:

“When the flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”

I’ve had no problem at all applying this to broad issues of the day

It’s at the heart of trauma-informed care

But it really never occurred to me that it could apply to my life and situation.

Today, I was in Thomas Hübl’s community call which is always chock full of wisdom, acceptance and care

He never tires of finding new ways to explain and explore the universal principles inviting us to wholeness

And I’ll need to watch the recording to pinpoint when I realized I needed to raise my hand

But the dynamic was this:

As we are willing to be present, curious, and caring, we integrate and things flow

And I was like:

Excuse me. I am so very present and so very curious and pretty dang caring and things are very much not flowing

He asked what that not flowing felt like

And I said, well, it’s like i can see what you’re talking about, but there’s a big glass wall I cannot breach

So, of course, he asked about the wall and what it felt like when I encountered it

To which I replied: it feels like a bird hitting a window. Hard stop. Equally dangerous fall.

So, he led me on some exploration of the nature of the wall (grief, sadness)

And I realized a couple of things:

One: I used to be really impatient. Especially with patient people. Come on, folks, get with the program.

Then I developed patience, and recognized its many gifts

But guess what

I also have maybe been using patience as avoidance

I’m not saying for sure, I’m just saying it doesn’t sound entirely false

And I have to take a couple of breaths and sigh just saying that

Because patience was hard won, and is wonderful, and is maybe sometimes also a crutch

Sigh.

The other thing I realized is that I have been a bird flying into a window trying to figure out what I have to do differently to get through the window.

Not my best choice.

But even naming that dynamic has a little freedom in it

Like, anthropomorphizing a flower, the moment the flower realizes it’s not exclusively responsible for its lack of blooming

There’s relief in there

And then, quite clearly, some work to do, shifts to make

But very different attention than the nonfunctional infinity loop I’ve been in.

So, I’m very happy for the experience

Very happy for the nascent sensations of space and relief

And curious about how that space and relief may expand as I meet my inner walls in new ways

You know, not just smashing up against them

Wondering what’s wrong with me

Wishing things were different

Maybe I can open that window

Maybe I can fly in a different direction

It remains to be seen

I’m just happy the pattern’s interrupted

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Ninth grade English probably taught me the difference between jealousy and envy

But it didn’t stick

I just wrote a whole post on jealousy

And in speaking to my sister learned that what I’d written about wasn’t jealousy at all!

Humbling, but wonderful, to always be learning.

So, as you probably already know, jealousy is fearing losing something you have to someone else

Which makes sense now with jealous husbands and the term jealously guarding

Envy is wanting something someone else has

So, now that I’m using the proper terminology:

I attended a seminar in maybe 2013 by a woman named Sheva Carr

It was very good in a lot of ways

But my biggest takeaway was this:

When you covet what someone else has

That’s a sure sign of your values - there is something in there informing you what you truly want

And something about the way she offered it landed it right in my heart

And this teaching actually made me appreciate when others had something that evoked a response in me

Allowing me to be truly happy for them, and grateful for their holding something up to let me know I wanted it too.

And that has been a very nice relationship with witnessing others’ success

Until this week.

For the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long, but a long time

I was reading a book, and I got angry, envious, with a knot of frustrated tension in my heart

It was an awful feeling

Someone had recommended Jen Hatmaker’s book Awake, chronicling her divorce, split from evangelicalism and shift to social justice advocacy.

In it, she talks about being coerced into hosting a woman’s group at her husband’s church years ago

And how she immediately loved it and it became her thing, and now she has 13 books, etc., etc., etc.

Do you know how many women’s groups I’ve started?

At least 15. Spiritual circles, creative spaces, health support groups, so many groups.

I immediately loved it, too

But she has 13 books, and I cannot buy myself shoes

She was even allowed to completely change her tune, and she is flourishing professionally

And I am flailing

And it got me. I felt angry and envious. And it felt awful, but I couldn’t stop it.

I looked for brokenheartedness under it, but that’s not what I felt

What I could find was a tender, patient, ‘that’s not your journey’

And an inner plea, “then take me to my journey!”

And a wisened, “you’re on your journey”

And my anger downgraded to frustration

And my envy went back to: I guess that’s showing me what I really want.

But, boy, has it been uncomfortable

What’s funny is:

Just a few days later, a friend got bad news at work on a Friday, filled out some online applications, and got another offer on Monday

I was wowed by her badassery

And I was humbled, and even a bit ashamed that my experience bears no resemblence to hers

But I wasn’t envious at all

But truly delighted that she just showed me that it can even happen that way

Honestly, it surprised me at a biological level

That having found this negative emotion around someone else’s success

It didn’t apply to the most obvious, immediate example

It is relieving, though

To be genuinely happy for someone who had what I would also like

I prefer that energy, for sure

As I continue to learn about myself

And the world

And the English language

That life is subtle and complex, simple and surprising

And it’s reassuring to know

There’s always more to learn!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I could spend the next six days getting more and more granular about all of the ways life is supporting me

I don’t think I could fill thirty minutes listing the ways I feel life is not supporting me

Oh, I know I’ve filled many hours complaining about it

But it’s really just a small handful of things. Important things, far-reaching things, but just a few of them

Objectively, it is astonishing that I continue to spend an inordinate amount of time

Paying attention to the 10 things that aren’t going my way, compared to the 9,532 things that definitively are

My daughter’s first report card contained over 40 “Outstanding” marks and 3 “Satisfactory” ones

Which do you think she focused on?

Where do you think she got that proclivity?

This weekend of Thanksgiving accentuated the broad highways of gratitude coursing through my life

Only a few of which are under construction or closed for repair

And I can muster a little tenderness for the part of me stopped at the closed exit thinking this is the only way for me to go

Instead of moving into the flow of the wide open road

What is it that stays banging my fist on the closed gate?

Who knows, perhaps the gate will open

There’s no ‘right’ way to move through life, but there sure are softer ways

And that softness starts on the inside

The tenor of the conversation starts on the inside.

Why is it that we can be so hard on ourselves?

Why has hard work and discipline become more revered than support and encouragement?

It’s a weird dynamic, and part of the signature of this current moment in history.

When my daughter wanted to go to college, we had to make a transcript

Because she only went to 7 weeks of high school, we had only the barest frame to start with

She was convinced she’d done nothing of value that could be counted towards a meaningful transcript

Obviously she had

But because it didn’t come in all of the prescribed, inspected, and dated packages of the common experience

It was easy to pretend all those benefits and experiences weren’t quantifiable or didn’t exist

But they did exist. They developed naturally and instinctively and to the exact degree of interest and usefulness.

It’s like this gorgeous meadow of experience not getting counted because we’re counting only roses and dahlias as valid or important

There is a moment when we stop making life come to us in roses and dahlias

And the tidal wave of beauty becomes available where once there was a feeling of lack

My daughter did eventually develop her free-range experience into a valid transcript

Not a single college questioned it

And now her cycle has come around to making her established curriculum-based college experience

Meaningful for employers

A no less formidable task

But it’s just a challenge of the day

In a life being constantly supported and upheld by air and nourishment and biological processes

Constantly singing the song of belonging and care

A song I hum along to, even as I sometimes bang my head against my circumstances

Today, I will focus on the melody

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Landscaping makes me feel guilty

I’m sensitive to all the life that’s been pulled out of its natural habitat

To be organized to please somebody, to look a certain way, even perform a function

It is rare that i actually sense a plant is really unhappy with its location

They’re so good at blooming where they’re planted

But some of my closest friends have been trees

And one of the things I shared with those trees felt like a certain loneliness

Not that they couldn’t be themselves out there on their own - they were

But there may have been a biological preference for community these trees never got the chance to know

Science shows trees know their kin

But a lone tree in a broad meadow can only know its kin remotely

Can’t feel it the same way as sharing direct nutrients

There’s such a nice satisfaction in sharing with those we love

Many of us would like to do it more often, but aren’t quite set up for it

How many of us are living outside of our biologically encoded expectations of community

And, the questions I always ask myself when I get that uncomfortable feeling around landscaping

Are “what is my true, natural habitat? Does it exist? Could I even go there if I knew where it was?”

I’ve yet to come up with a satisfying answer

But it seems to swirl me around a center of kinship, community, and place I find elusive

This correlates with my conflict about zoos

We went to a wonderful zoo on Saturday, and learned a ton about their admirable conservation efforts

But I still struggle watching an eagle or a jaguar in an enclosure.

These beings have hundreds-of-mile territories

And while not having to worry about the next meal takes away much of the struggle for survival

Freedom feels like its own reward, and without it, it’s hard to quantify the harm

I imagine different species, and different individuals, have more resilience

There were a bunch of wallaby’s that looked clinically depressed.

When instinct butts up against circumstances, or in this case protective netting, it’s hard to know how to thrive

But the simple fact is: human, animal or plant

We don’t always get to pick our circumstances.

But, we are wired to live, to grow, and to adapt

My discomfort with constructed environments is itself a construct

Setting acceptable conditions for thriving

When life demonstrates remarkable adaptability and innovation

I want to be respectful and loving towards all of life, and not interfere for my own amusement or benefit

But mostly I want to take nature’s reliable example

I want to bloom here, where I am

Every environment is divine

And I do not need to know the cosmic purpose of my being at this place at this time

But my flourishing here is a prayer of thanks

I would very much like to feel and offer.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I think it’s fairly proven that we have complex energy centers in the brain, heart, and gut

Brains think. It’s what they do. But it’s not all that’s happening.

Hearts beat. Relentlessly. The defining motion of life.

And the pelvic bowl contains our center of gravity and moves us within the world

These three centers work together

But for decades I really only identified with my thoughts. Especially the spiritual ones.

Then, one day, I moved the locus of my attention into my heart

It was a revelation

My brain was still chattering about

But with my sense of identity in the heart, which doesn’t think, it wasn’t ‘me’

The only way I can describe it, is like if a master goes into a sanctuary, the servants may be chatting at the doors, but they don’t disturb him. They are not the focus of his attention.

When thinking recedes, being’s natural sensing lens is in reciprocity with all of life

‘Who I am’ becomes significantly bigger and how I encounter the world is far more resourced and curious

The distribution of identity throughout the body exchanges thoughts for experiences

— an upgrade of the highest order

It is not just what I focus on but who I think is doing the focusing

When my identity is packed in my head

My experience is lacking

Not, as my head is so sure, because my environment/conditions/circumstances are lacking

But because I am only bringing a part of my whole being to the party

I am not experiencing my life as my whole self, sometimes barely a third

I begin the experience of wholeness when I experience myself as the whole of my vertical axis.

Head/heart/gut is the staircase into a simultaneous field

Flourishing through attention as identity

And, as one, generating receptive, aware, multidimensional habitation

The trinity within us. One being in three aspects. Simultaneously.

We’re not stuck in one, occasionally giving time to another out of the beneficence of that one,

But whole.

Feeling our way through the world as we encounter this moment

And letting thoughts arise, but not emcee.

Paid subscribers will receive my original identity expansion meditation on Sunday. I hope you enjoy it.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com