Falling Gently Podcast

It is very true that my best friend in middle school was a tree

I’ve actually had numerous tree-best-friends

And even a couple of mystical experiences with trees

While the human world often feels foreign to me

Trees make me feel right at home

So, I totally understood it when forest bathing became a thing

It’s a thing because it’s wildly effective in nervous system regulation

It’s wildly effective because nature physiologically operates on multiple levels simultaneously

Psychologically, we know we’re dependent on trees and the oxygen they generate

We know they model resilience, rootedness, and coregulation with the environment

But it goes way deeper than that

Trees speak directly to our immune and nervous systems through phytoncides

Which we often extract as essential oils

And even visually taking in the organized chaos of a tree’s leaf system rewires the amygdala

We are fluent in the language of trees at a biological level

So, with permission, I’m a tree hugger. A tree climber. A tree appreciator

And lately I’ve been spending time laying beneath the branches

Of my little tangerine tree

Just looking up

Softening my gaze

Moving in and out of focus

A leaf here

The dappling light

A baby tangerine or cluster of them

The whole, vibrant picture.

One day, my focus landed on a dead branch and all its little twigs and spurs

Surrounded by life and greenery

“Hmmm…” I thought, “my life is like this tangerine tree.

Most of it moving along nicely, and this one dead branch”

Which I equated with my career.

As I wondered why it was even there, how it survived the last pruning

A hummingbird came and perched on a branchlet

Easily alighting right above my head

Because of all the places on this tree

This empty area was the most hospitable to a hummingbird.

I try to spend 10 or 20 minutes under that tree every day when the temp is under 100

And the hummingbird joined me for two weeks solid

Sitting, breathing, sometimes sticking her filament tongue out at me

Which i took as a sign of affection

If I brought my phone with me, she protested

Flying down and hovering in a distinctly reprimanding fashion

All this to say

That empty branch became meaningful

It opened a relationship

So maybe I can rethink the association I made

And recognize nature’s wisdom and purpose

Exactly as it is

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

When I was 8 years old, the University of Pennsylvania quarterback came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner

He didn’t have time to travel home between games and we were happy to have a local celebrity join us

After dinner, he’d told us about his summer job at a sugar mill

Suffice it to say, I remember every word of that conversation

And it is front and center literally every time I encounter white sugar

That was nearly 50 years ago

How many times do you think I’ve encountered white sugar?

Lots of times.

He wasn’t even talking to me. He probably barely noticed I was in the room

But his casual words have visited me many thousands of times over the years

Here’s my question:

Why can’t I pick the ones that flood me like that?

I spend a lot of time being conscious about my thoughts - sometimes easy, sometimes difficult

But you never know what left-field comment is going to stick.

Happily a few decades ago, someone said a single sentence about how easy laundry was for them

And laundry has been no big deal to me ever since

(Though I’m sorry to say I do not remember what the sentence was!)

But, this developed a theory in me:

I imagine a young woman working in a baroque bakery

Pregnant. Scared. Sweeping the floor.

An older woman comes in with her baby grandchild

As they wait in line, the grandmother delights in every coo, every giggle

And when this little child tastes her first cookie, it’s as if the whole bakery transforms

The young woman watches. Sweeping. The joy contagious.

She chooses to have the child.

Let’s say her child turns out to be Mozart

Who, then, do we have to thank for The Magic Flute?

Mozart? His mother? Some unnamed woman from Mozart’s mother’s past? The child? The baker?

I think we play this role for each other all the time

We have no idea the various graces that support our trajectory

Or the casual cautions that provide subtle guardrails on our path

But our identity, beliefs and stories

Have been shaped by every single being we’ve ever encountered

We think we’re the sculptor

But we’re very much the clay

And for every intentional habit or thought, every chisel we wield in our shaping

We’re matched by the impact of erosion, plate tectonics and gravity

Forces all around us, beyond our control

Having their way with us

It’s worth keeping in mind

We’re shaping each other much more than we know

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Philip Shepherd tells the story of his niece losing her bracelet at a big family picnic

Everyone had been searching the grass of a huge field for ages

But when Philip arrived and heard of the quest

He looked into the vast field and invited his pelvic floor to find the item

And he walked right to it

I was skeptical

Except not long after reading it

My husband and son had made boomerangs

And gone to fly them in a nearby field surrounded by hilly brambles

As often happens with novice boomeranging

My son’s, the cool one, the purple one with special symbols

Overshot its mark and did not come back

It effectively disappeared

They searched and searched, and came home with tears

But, I had just read that story

And so I turned them around and we went back to the field.

I’d like to tell you that I walked right to it

Because I did

But I also need to tell you that it did not feel that way while I was walking

Philip says, “don’t be aware of the pelvic floor, be aware from the pelvic floor”

Which is not nearly as difficult as it is unusual.

All kinds of uncertainty accompanied me as I walked into the brambles on the far side of the field

But the pelvic floor does not commentate on uncertainty

It stays receptive for signals

So, when thoughts like ‘this isn’t working’ came up

I returned to the sensing of the lower body

The part in contact with the surroundings that knew where the boomerang lay

Doubt -> breath -> curious sensing

Again and again for about 10 minutes

And, trite as it may sound

Just when I was resigned to not finding it

There it was

A glimpse of purple

The boomerang deep in a bush

Pulling it out was a triumph on many levels

The best of which was my son’s relief

But when this memory came to mind the other day

I was shocked that I cannot remember using the technique since.

My professional expression has been lost for some time

And my best efforts of searching have been fruitless

Perhaps it’s time to invite my pelvic floor to lead me to my next expression

Led solely by sensing

Remembering not to be distracted by the uncertainty between start and finish

But stay in the sensing curiosity and keep moving

Slowly, deliberately.

Not directed by my thoughts

But moving via my center of gravity

Today, I’m enchanted

I’m glad that lessons come back around

Like boomerangs

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I read a book in the 90’s titled “Wholeness or Transcendence”

I remember little more than the title

And having thought, “Transcendence. Obviously.”

Transcendence was my spiritual path to unity with all of life

And conceptually, I could get so close

But the world and circumstances refused to cooperate.

While striving for transcendence, I experienced distinct separation in my body

“I” lived behind my eyes and “had” a body

Which, while handy for carrying my thoughts through space, rarely behaved as I wanted it to

Weight, shape, gracefulness, abilities

My mind had notes

What turned out to be fortunately for me, my body had notes for my mind, too

And sort of went on strike through physical disability

Which shifted the dynamic dramatically

The elusiveness of transcendence and the reality of life in a painful body

Made me much more inquisitive about wholeness

And over time, as my body morphed from servant to jailor to teacher to field

Identity went from centralized in my head to distributed throughout a dynamic system

I became more of myself. Literally.

Intelligence is acknowledged more broadly and has more space

And often, especially when a part of my body hurts quite a bit

Recognizing it’s not the only thing happening in the body is quite helpful

Anchoring my sense of self in the multitudinous harmonies that keep me alive

Heart and lungs, stomach and liver, muscle and skeleton all coordinating like sections in an orchestra

And the conductor, who I previously considered the thinking mind

Turns out to be the pulse of life itself

Moving through this gift from earth and ancestor

Fluent in the ancient languages and the fragrance of the present

I believe the body reads the breath the way the mind reads a newspaper

And would be fascinated to have cognitive understanding of the multitude of exchanges in each breath

But, it’s too much information for cognition

And just the right amount of information for evolutionary participation

So in expanding identification of self throughout the fullness of the body

Distinction between self and world becomes more fluid

I have come to experience identity as a relational exchange more than a structural constant

And the more I play with it

The more I can notice subtle, unconscious tensing in my calf

Or bask in the expansion in my chest when I encounter a flower

And how that echoes down to my toes and beyond

It feels ironic that the physical aspect of life which for so many years I considered an impediment

Became my threshold

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

There’s a tangerine tree in my garden

It’s speckled with hundreds of squat neon balls

When we moved in, they were still green and many had brown spots from the sun

But now they are bright orange and very few show their burn scars

This is a beautiful tree and looking at it brings me joy every day

It is the centerpiece of the yard

And it anchors the surrounding trees and bushes

I just love it

But, also true: I’ve got a citrus sensitivity bordering on allergy

If I eat much citrus, my mouth breaks out in painful ulcers that take ages to heal

So I can appreciate this tree, but I can’t engage with its fruit much

And today I realized how much that tree and I have in common

This is a healthy tree, resplendently bearing its gifts

In a specific moment wherein its gifts are lovely but indigestible

I imagine in the 20 years this tree has lived here, it has been more fully appreciated

And will be again

But this moment? At this moment its fruit is not meeting a need

Still, it grows. It does its thing. It keeps fulfilling its natural expression

Birds eat the fruit. It’s quite charming. It’s like a living bird feeder

But there is simply more fruit than my little ecosystem can receive

So, I cut some off from time to time and give some to a friend or take them to the shelter

I don’t want the tree to stop producing simply because I can’t keep up with its fruit

But I do imagine a situation where each fruit is treasured and not a burden

I mean, the fruit of this tree is sweet and delicious

It comes in a little package that keeps it fresh and portable, and then in sections perfect for sharing

To a dry mouth, this fruit is manna

To a hungry stomach, a most welcome reprieve

But for me

A mismatch

Even though both parties are earnest and doing our best

I sat with this tree this morning appreciating its resilience and beauty and natural, generative creativity

Feeling guilty for not thrilling at its offering

It seemed nonplussed

My citrus allergy isn’t its failure

And while picking its fruit helps next year’s harvest

It seems perfectly in rhythm with what is happening now

It will have many cycles in its life

Many neighbors who each will have a different response to its being

This tree is beautiful and responsive to its environment

Water, Sun, me, the birds

It will adapt and adjust and live

It doesn’t seem to be neurotic about it

It’s not producing its fruit to feed me

It’s producing fruit because that is what happens when life moves through it

Not titrating its output based on response

I have a lot to learn from this tree

And I’m grateful nature school is always in session.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I had an epiphany on the Epiphany, January 6

All these years, especially this last year,

I’ve been looking for a job for my values instead of for my skills

The window I’d been flying into, trying to break through

Has been the self-development/ecological stewardship/social justice (collective trauma healing) world

“I’d do anything” to help in this world. See me. Let me help!

Slam into the window again.

But when that epiphany about values and skills revealed itself

Monetizing my values was never going to work

My values are my orientation

And I’m happy to have them as the active engines in my life

My skills are monetizable labor.

I really couldn’t distill my skills these many months

And the only thing I was really listing was partnership management

But, partnership management isn’t a skill - it’s a delivery posture

The skills are underneath it

So I started thinking about my actual and natural skills, not what I can do

So my skills:

Organizing strategy into workable plans

Navigating bureaucracy

Talking to people other people find intimidating

Softening any room I walk into

These are things people need.

And as soon as I sussed that out

A picture began to form

Taking into account my daily rhythms

What I think is fun

What I can confidently do

The market I live in

And you know what?

I have a business idea.

I’m not going to write about it here today

But it’s the best I’ve felt in years

I don’t want to get a job

I want to provide a service that people need and are willing to pay money for

And I know who can identify those people most readily

And it’s a small group to market to.

So.

It’s too early to tell

But this epiphany changed everything

My values are the soil in which this skill-seed offering can grow

And I’m going to focus on marketing my skills to perform a specific service to a specific market

And do you want to know the funny part?

All my desire to be a reminder to slow down, sense into the body and this moment

This service removes a problem

Which should naturally and somatically help the client to have a broader foundation of rest and ease.

So, same result

Totally different approach

Because the universe is funny that way.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My guiding word for 2025 was “Reverence”

It was both a resource and a lot of pressure

Which shouldn’t surprise me, because as I learn to appreciate the Divine in All

I often have to expand my idea of something to include its opposite

Dichotemies seem to be the double helix of progress

Whether soothing or pressure, Reverence kept inviting me to bow

To trust that the Divine is expressing in every aspect

And, that is humbling, sometimes confusing, and sometimes completely ignored

But, I really, really wanted to honor that which I encountered and my commitment to honoring it

And overall, I’d say I did so-so

But I’m glad for every time Reverence came to mind

Just the thought of it softens my edges

But this year I couldn’t choose a word

Although my friend chose Wonder and I was like, Oh, that’s a good one

It took me 2 weeks to really distill what I’d like to be both my rudder and my north star for 2026

I toyed with Surrendering to the Life that is Naturally Moving Through Me

Because I want Nature and Her Intelligence and Her Motion front and center

And who I think of as me deferring to Her as my orientation

I repeatedly had great experiences of this during the holidays

When I could press pause on the stressors I’ve been actively juggling

Intentional relaxation made space to just participate

Not to plan or construct or generate

But to allow the natural flow of the day and my companions

To shape a series of unknowns into meaningful moments I could just receive

I am so tired of trying to make things happen

And when I stop doing that, Life can happen to and with me

My choice is to let Life choose.

And so my mantra for 2026 will be “Let Life Live”

I like it because it’s got 2 faces

One is a reminder to let what is outside of me evolve without my judgment

And the other is an invitation to drop my internal resistance so life can live through me

This is the orientation I want as my north star.

My brother-in-law would occasionally call something: “A lot of stir and no biscuits”

When he thought it was a lot of work with no visible payoff

I spent a lot of 2025 stirring, and there were indeed no biscuits

But soil was cultivated, and priorities shifted

Making the intention to let go of the reins

And have Life do the guiding

Irresistable

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

One job that did not materialize for me was for a Dark Retreat company

Weirdly enough, a body worker I love had suggested spending time in the dark just a few months before I met these folks

Just be in the dark, he said, not meditating or chanting, just be

I’d been practicing it, with towels at the doorjamb of my bathroom

And quite liked it

Speaking with friends, I learned of several who had done multiple days in darkness

And found it extraordinarily meaningful

Liz Gilbert had just done a piece on her first dark retreat

So, to hear of a company providing dark retreats at resorts around the world,

I was intrigued

Seemed timely

But, not every person can or should be left for days in the dark on purpose

I imagined they had a serious intake form, and local mental health resources

Nope.

My skepticism didn’t do me any favors, but being that I would’ve been Ops

It was a responsibility I wasn’t willing to assume, which didn’t rattle them at all, they just moved on

Days in darkness is a repeated ceremonial ritual across spiritual traditions

It’s just not for the faint of heart

Reading the next segment of The Aquarian Gospel

After receiving the scroll of Sincerity

Jesus was left for days in the dark

I recognized it as a rite in a way I hadn’t before

But then, one evening, again, two men enter through a heretofore unseen door

They have little lanterns, and once again ask Jesus to follow them

~We used to be priests here. This place is crazy. These priests are nuts. You won’t find what you’re looking for here, there is some creepy stuff going on. Follow us, we know the caverns, we can lead you out~

Once again, Jesus wasn’t having it.

“Your little tapers show the light you bring.”

And he goes on to continue the theme of my misunderstood but deeply relevant

“I don’t follow fear”

But with a spin of: ~why would I judge these people based on your experience and not my own?

I didn’t come here looking for anything. I’m not participating in these rites to become more blessed - we’re all all the way blessed all the time by the light of God, unless we give our minds to deceit, which is what you’re asking of me. You know where the door is, use it.~

And that was how Jesus earned the second scroll

The scroll of Justice.

Not taking someone’s prejudice on as your own

Trusting your experience and your own knowing

Not being deterred by naysayers

I was a naysayer for the dark retreat company, which was true for me and my risk assessment

Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t do it

Just means I shouldn’t do it

We get to make choices

And we should make them through our own knowing

Not someone else’s

We need each other

We each have a role to play

Best to follow the ones that ignite our inner light

Not wave us forward with dim little lamplights

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

You may recall, 125 posts or so ago, I discussed my extremely productive misunderstanding of

The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ

In the story, Jesus arrives to a sacred temple essentially to take the test to get the title of the Christ

And once settled, a couple of men secret into his room and say,

“The temple masters are jealous and plan to kill you. Play along until we can break you out”

And for two decades at least, I interpreted Jesus’ response as,

“You come asking me to follow you in fear. Fear doesn’t motivate me. Go ahead, be on your way”

And that story realigned my thinking 1,000 times

Reminding me not to move from fear

But, as it turns out, I had the story wrong all along, and hadn’t noticed until rereading to write the Sincerity Scroll

What actually happened was:

These guys encouraged Jesus to play along, pretending to be copacetic but planning to leave

And Jesus was like, “How dare you ask me to lie”

Which is a related but distinct admonition

So, bonus for me

I got the very valuable lesson of my original understanding “I do not act from fear”

The precise lesson of the actual intention of the story “I will not deceive”

And some meta lessons about the fallibility of interpretation, openness of mind even when you think you know, and happy accidents

All of them useful and contributory.

I love The Aquarian Gospel because it humanizes Jesus and demonstrates divinity through choices

And that the title of the Christ was waiting for someone to actually live into, not bestowed

It’s one of those books that I still carry even though it’s kind of a slog to read

When I published “The Sincerity Scroll” my dear mother commented

“Please do more stories like this”

Four months later, here I am, finally fulfilling that request.

There were seven scrolls awarded Jesus in accomplishing the title of the Christ in this telling

And here as we march towards Christmas

I’m planning on retelling the circumstances of each of the scrolls next week

To remind myself and inspire all of us

About how simple choices distinguish a life lived in connection and integrity

From a life navigating fear and positioning

I think we’re faced with tiny choices every day

And we all do our best to choose wisely

So remembering that wisdom is alignment to love

Not constructed result

Feels timely for me, and I hope for you

Because as cool as it would be to turn water into wine

Living fully aligned to love

Is something we can do

Choice by choice

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I don’t have a lot of specific, major regrets

Having married the wrong person, taken a meaningful wrong turn

I mean, I’ve made plenty of odd or suboptimal decisions

There are plenty of things I’ve said I wish I had crafted more intentionally to land more beneficially

But I’ve softened my approach through my mistakes

And while it doesn’t erase the errors, it does parlay them into something contributory

So regret isn’t something that bogs me down tremendously

I am curious about what would have happened if I had made different choices, though

I just finished Matt Haig’s “The Midnight Library” for the second time

Which proposes a space between life and death where you can join the life of the version of you that made a different choice

At any choice point

The first book you encounter is the book of regrets

To give you a jumping off point to look at what you may want to have changed

Then, the consciousness you know as you lands in a body of a version of you that made different choices

It’s a quick and pleasant read

Very life positive, including the nitty gritty hard parts

And offers a reflective invitation

That has me looking back at my life

And my most accessible regret is

‘I wish I hadn’t worried so much when life was happening”

I know the feeling of worry has dampened the light that was available

With all my practices, I do ok, but there was a LOT of unnecessary worry in there

And while I can’t do anything to change how it was

I can let how it was inform how much I let anxiety in now

And I notice anxiety has a very specific physical signature in me

I take on a posture where my head comes forward, chin up

My shoulders curve inward

The small of my back rounds

If I interrupt that pattern when I recognize it

It stops the train

And if I begin shifting my posture with what I know about deep alignment

I can spend several minutes completely removed from the original worry as I explore my body organization

Add a few breaths, and it’s a different person encountering the worry

A person who knows how to put it down

Or at least not give it carte blanche

And a person curious about how energy is moving (or not) through my physical structure

And that is better than must-see-TV (a phrase I don’t believe represents a truth)

But, I guess I’m lucky that I find the subtle sensations of posture and energy fascinating

In this version of my life at least

And when I bring my attention to the present and how my body is organized

I think I’m unwinding old tensions that I allowed to accumulate and literally shape me

I’m not only relaxed and willing to become

I’m setting myself up to reduce my recurring regret of, “I wish I hadn’t worried so much”

Even when there’s a lot to worry about

Replacing it with awareness, curiosity, receptivity

Regret, worry, and anxiety have much less stickiness here.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com