Family Looking Up

I feel like I have a split personality during the Christmas season. At the first of December I am Andy Williams singing,”It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the year.”  I blast the Christmas tunes, pin every beautiful dish from Pinterest, and string lights on every wall in my house. By mid-December something changes in me. I am starting to feel the stress and THE GRINCH starts to come out in me. The toys, the parties, the bags! The food, the shopping, the tags!  I start to hate the whole Christmas season. But unlike the Grinch, I do know the reason! There is a lot of pressure on moms to make Christmas the most magical, perfect time of the year.  

Our guest this week, Kathi Lipp, author of “Get Yourself Organized for Christmas: Simple Steps to Enjoying the Season,” said the problem is not Christmas. The problem is the expectations we PUT UPON OURSELVES.  It is possible to truly enjoy this season that was meant to bring families together and celebrate the birth of our Savior. In this FUN conversation, Kathi provides doable tips to stay sane and get organized for Christmas.  

1. How to deal with expectations for the Christmas holiday
2. First things first: figure out what is MOST IMPORTANT to our family and the people that we are celebrating with
3. Ask ourselves what about Christmas is MOST important to me
4. Gathering Christmas stuff to determine what is needed
5. Allow others to help
6. When to start planning for Christmas
7. Get dates on the calendar early for holiday celebrations
8. Make a holiday mission statement
9. The value of a Christmas binder
10. Keep ALL Christmas items together
11. How to set a Christmas budget
12. Plan gifts as early as possible and then BE DONE.
13. How to blend different holiday traditions within your family
14. Planning December meals
15. Kathi’s favorite Christmas hacks
16. Online resources to get organized for Christmas

Mom Squad Challenge: Get the all your important holiday dates on the calendar!

kathilipp.com

How do grandparents figure out grandparenting?   They do what they did to figure out parenting: stumbling forward doing the best they can to love all the adults and kids in their lives.  We have received numerous requests to do a show on grandparenting from our many listeners trying to navigate this exciting yet dicey road.  

We have gone to the experts to bring parents and grandparents a “survival guide” in this episode!  Richard and Linda Eyre are among the most popular speakers in the world on parenting and families. Their clients and audiences range from The Young Presidents’ Organization (YPO) and major corporations and associations to a wide array of school, civic, church and community groups.  They’re also N.Y. Times #1 Bestselling authors of 30 Family and Parenting books, two of which, just released, are on Grandparenting!

The Eyres offer solutions to help grandparents AND parents in their crucial roles.  Below are some of the things we discussed:

• How do grandparents navigate situations when there is conflict between what you as a grandparent want and what your kids want in relation to the grandkids?

• All grandparents have to deal with trying (or not trying) to bite their tongue when they don’t exactly agree with how their kids are parenting.  (Cue the inner voice saying “Can’t you just say ‘No’ for once and be done with it?!?)  What are grandparents to do? The question really becomes “To bite or not to bite...that is the question.  
• • Richard warns about going to either extreme: saying too little OR saying too much.  Communication is the key to finding that balance. One thing that has worked really well for the Eyres is a pact that they have made with their children.  Both sides acknowledge that grandparents have wisdom and advice that could help the parents. The pact is that the grandparents will share their advice and the parents agree not to be offended.  In return the grandparents agree that if the parents don’t take the advice that they won’t be offended. The Eyres have found that this pact has reduced conflict and bad feelings.
  • Richard stressed above all, that the most important thing for grandparents to remember is that the parents are in charge.  Sometimes that’s hard, but it’s the truth.

• Family Culture.  Every family has a culture whether that has been developed consciously or unconsciously.  It’s crucial to recognize your family culture and develop it. The positive aspects of that culture are going to spread into your children’s homes and become even better.  There have been studies done that show how important a child’s connection to their family heritage is to their own success and resilience in life. Linda referenced an article in the New York Times that showed that post 9/11 kids who knew the most about their family narrative had the most resilience in their recovery.  If you would like to read that article, here is the link: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html

• What are some ways that grandparents can share these family narratives?  Richard and Linda shared three of their favorite activities. Listen in to hear an in-depth explanation of these ideas.  
• • Turn these family stories into bedtime stories that can be read to the grandkids at night.
  • Put a family tree up in a conspicuous place where kids can see how they are connected to the names they hear.
  • Create a “Grandma Hazel Day”.  Hazel is Linda’s mom. Each year they have a day to celebrate her by doing things that she loved such as play football, work hard, and eat Hershey’s bars.

• What kind of Grandparent do you want to be?  Each grandparent has a decision to make about what KIND of grandparent they WANT to be.  Linda and Richard have created four groups that grandparents fall into.

• Disengaged: These grandparents have the mindset of “I have raised my kids and now I’m done.”

• Limited:  These grandparents love to see their grandchildren in limited doses and on their own terms.

• Supportive:  These grandparents know their kids need all the help that they can get and they want to be there for them.

• Proactive:  These grandparents know that their children are the stewards over the grandkids, but they know that they have something special to offer as well.  This is a multi-generational approach and requires a lot of communication with the best end result.

• What about those who feel overwhelmed by the idea of being the proactive grandparent?
• • Don’t give up, even when it’s hard.  Kids are forgiving and they know when you’re really trying and making the effort.  That is the most important thing you can communicate to them.
  • Grandparents can give unconditional love to the grandkids, often more easily than parents because they aren’t in the trenches.

• What are some actionable ideas about how grandparents can connect to grandchildren?
• • Don’t just think of grandparenting as Collective.  If large groups at once overwhelm you, remember that most of the really important stuff happens one on one.
  • Take grandkids to lunch.  While you are talking, take notes so you can remember the details of their lives, their thoughts, and feelings.  They know when they see you writing it down that you care enough to remember.
  • Have a Grammy Camp.  Bring the kids over according to age groups and have some bonding time.
  • Share your loves, interests and talents with them.  Let them see you as more than just grandma or grandpa.
  • Ancestors Day.  Have grandkids come over and dress up as ancestors and have them act out a scene from that person’s life.

• What are some helpful ideas about how grandparents can handle Christmas?
• • Give the grandkids financial parameters and have them make a wish list on Amazon.  It makes it easy for you to get them something they actually want, and it’s still a surprise because they don’t know which item they will receive.
• What are some helpful ideas about how grandparents can handle birthdays?
• • Richard writes a handwritten letter on each of the kids’ half birthdays.  That way he knows it won’t be overlooked by everything else they are receiving.  He tells them all the things that he loves about them.
  • Linda sends a little money with a letter telling them her favorite memories of them.

MOM / GRANDPARENT SQUAD CHALLENGE

RICHARD:  The best way to become a better grandparent is to become a better marriage partner.  Find a way to be a better partner this week and see how that skill translates into becoming a better grandparent.

LINDA :  If you don’t know how to text, learn how this week.  This is the best way to contact grandkids (especially teens).  They’ll answer right away! This week text your grandkids (who have cell phones).  Tell them you love them, joke with them, or invite them to lunch!

We want to thank the Eyres for spending time with us!

To learn more about Linda and Richard Eyre, visit www.valuesparenting.com

Or visit @RichardLindaEyre on Instagram or visit Linda’s grandmothering book site which contains recipes and more at www.grandmotheringbook.com

LINKS TO BOOKS WE DISCUSSED:

Being a Proactive Grandfather

Grandmothering

Life in Fall

I Didn’t Plan on Being a Witch

Whenever I hear about families that are creating humanitarian kits for kids in South America, sewing quilts for people in Africa, or serving at the local soup kitchen,  I always say, “I want our family to be one of THOSE families.” But, when it really comes down to it, I feel overwhelmed and never really know where to begin. This week we bring back Merrilee Boyack!  Merrilee has a passion for serving. She and her family have made helping other a priority in her family. This culture of service has had a lasting impact on her children. Merrilee has noticed how giving can unify a family, build leadership skills and build self confidence in children.   Here is what we talked about in this incredible and inspiring interview:

1. Where Merrilee learned to serve and why she implemented it in her own family.
2. The effect service can have on our families
3. How to START teaching our kids to serve
4. Simple ways to teach little kids to serve
5. How to help introverted kids to serve others. “The quiet servers”
6. What to do when our kids don’t want to serve
7. Leadership skills are built when our kids plan to serve
8. How to plan service into family time
9. Doing service with immediate recognitions versus silent service
10. The importance of teaching kids WHY we serve
11. Celebrating vs rewarding children for time spent serving
12. Inviting extended family members to get involved
13. Where can our listeners find out more about you and purchase your books?

Mom Squad Challenge:

1. If you have young children: Have a family meeting and pick one service you can do within your family
2. If you have children 8 and older: Have YOUR CHILDREN PICK one thing you can do in the community
3. If you have adult children and extended family: Pick one thing your extended family can do to change the world

Resources:

 www.merrileeboyack.com

Merrilee's Book: 52 Weeks of Fun Family Service

YAY!  We have so much to celebrate this week! We are celebrating our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!  We started this crazy podcast one year ago. We have loved learning from our many experts, laughing at our many mistakes and challenging ourselves to do better.  We are so grateful for our amazing Mom Squad. You all continually inspire us. In this week’s episode, in addition to celebrating our podcast anniversary, we also talk about one of our favorite holidays...THANKSGIVING.  This episode is full of laughter and holiday hacks. Here is what we talked about:

1. Our anniversary episode
2. How to win our “I’d Marry That Basket” (see instructions below)
3. The highs and lows of our first year of podcasting
4. Sharing our episode on social media
5. Thanksgiving is about being with friends and family
6. Ideas to encourage gratitude in our families
7. The great pie making event
8. A typical Thanksgiving day for our families
9. Our favorite Thanksgiving traditions
10. Our Thanksgiving hacks
11. Black Friday craziness

Mom Squad Challenge: Encourage your family to WRITE and MAIL a thank you note to a different person every day for a week.

How to win our “I’d Marry That Basket”

1. Post your favorite episode of Family Looking Up on your Instagram or Facebook Feed.  Be sure and tag us and use the hashtag #FLUgiveaway
2. Make an instagram story with your favorite mom fail or mom success.  Again, make sure to tag us and use the hashtag #FLUgiveway
3. Every day we will reveal a new item in our “I’d Marry That Basket.”  Repost our post and tag us and use the hashtag #FLUgiveaway.

The winner will be announced November 19th.

Does it seem right  that when you have children you suddenly lose your sleep, your free time, your sanity and YOUR BODY?  In my naive mind, I thought I would say good-bye to my pre-baby body for nine months while I was pregnant and then life would go back to normal. HA! I am still searching for that body. I hope someday I find it.

Maintaining a healthy weight and healthy lifestyle is a constant battle in the busy lives of mothers.  Too often we are trying so hard and it is easy to get discouraged when the number on the scale is not reflecting our hard work.  This episode is going to help women accept their bodies NOW. We don’t have to wait for that “someday” when we finally fit in our skinny jeans from college.  In this episode, we talk to Amber Brueseke. She is a certified personal trainer, a fitness instructor, a registered nurse and most importantly a mother of four kids. She gives great advice about improving your body image, setting attainable health goals and how to avoid letting the scale rule you. Here is what we talked about:

1. Amber's family
2. Why Amber started the website Biceps After Babes
3. Having a positive body image
4. The importance of taking care of yourself to set an example for your kids
5. Things you can do now to love your body
6. Identify your thoughts and change the story in your mind
7. Indifference, when it comes to loving your body, is not a bad thing.
8. How to maintain a healthy lifestyle without letting it control you.
9. What the number on the scale means to you.
10. Defining success in different ways, not just hitting the prepregnancy weight.
11. Setting behavioral goals. Setting a goal that you can control.
12. Where to start when starting a health plan
13. How to maintain LONG TERM healthy habits
14. What are Macros. (carbs, fat and protein)
15. The first step is establishing small habits you can add to.
16. It is a journey and everyone’s journey is unique

Mom Squad Challenge: Choose ONE health or fitness goal to work on for the next four weeks. Write it down. Practice it.

Resources:

 www.bicepsafterbabies

I am a planner.  When I am entering a new situation, I like to know what is happening, visualize the outcome and plan for all variables,  So, needless to say when I was pregnant with my first child, I PLANNED. I read numerous parenting books and observed what other parents did (and of course, I told myself I would NEVER make the same mistakes they were making).  Well, it turns out that no matter how much planning AND praying I do, these little humans come with their own personalities and ability to choose. I can’t control all aspects of their lives- DANG IT! So even though I had visions of all my kids being great piano players...some are- some are not. I was sure all my kids would be great athletes...some are, some are not.  I put my kids in singing groups to ensure they would be beautiful singers...NONE of them are. And most importantly I wanted my kids to always be kind and obedient...sometimes they are, and a lot of time they are not. Letting go of the “perfect son or daughter” and my “perfect parenting” that I had in my head can be frustrating and disappointing.

In this episode, we talk to Jill Savage.  Jill is the founder of Hearts at Home, a non profit organization that focuses on educating and encouraging moms.  We discuss letting go of that “perfect kid,” ideal and loving our kids for who they are...flaws and all. Here is what we talked about:

1. The difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfection.
2. Setting unrealistic expectations.
3. Indicators/Warning Signs that you are expecting perfection.
4. What is “Perfection Infection” and how to recognize it.
5. The antidote for “perfection infection”
6. Using compassion with your kids.
7. Ways to show more compassion to your kids.
8. Using LOVE to combat perfection.
9. Three steps for “keeping your love on.”
10. Helping your kids to feel accepted.
11. The importance of evaluating what you are trying to change in your children.
12. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you always agree with your child.
13. Perception is being able to perceive the INDIVIDUAL needs of your kids.
14. How to know when it’s time to let your child quit and when they should persevere.
15. How to help kids to see their own unique worth.

Mom Squad Challenge: When you see someone on social media or in person and you start the comparison trap, just say to yourself “she has a backstory I don’t know.”  This will help you to keep proper perspective and to pursue conversations you might not have had otherwise.

There is a scene in the Disney animated version of Robin Hood that often comes to mind.  (Please watch it with your kids. It’s important to their development. And yours. I promise!)  All of the characters are animated animals. Prince John and the Sheriff of Nottingham have just discovered that Robin Hood is at their tournament and they are trying to catch him.  At one point, Prince John’s guards (charging Rhinos, naturally) storm into a tent where Little John is hiding, carrying the tent across the tournament field. Little John’s head pushes through the top of the tent and he sees that he is at the front of a stampeding tent powered by rhinos that can’t see where they’re going.  He exclaims, “Who’s driving this flying umbrella?”

How many times have I asked myself that question? I’m at the front of the family, my head is out where I can see the trajectory of my path, but something else is choosing the speed and direction under the surface.  I should be happy---this is what I wanted! I’m taking care of everyone and it looks like we’re….fine…but I’m so angry, ashamed, TIRED, sad, anxious or enraged.

We all know that pregnancy does a number on our bodies.  But we forget that our brains are part of our bodies too, and OF COURSE they are affected as well.  At least 20% of new moms experience Postpartum depression. Even when baby and mom seem “fine”, there could be a lot going on under the surface that is confusing and a little scary.  And don’t forget perinatal depression (DURING pregnancy), which can really take the shine off that “glow” all prospective moms are supposed to have.

Remember: WE’RE HERE TO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!  This week we talk to Erin Shepard and Kate Jones about perinatal depression, postpartum depression, and the many aspects of women’s mental health. Listen for yourself or for someone you love. Here’s what we talked about:

1. What is perinatal depression.
2. Mood disorders triggered by pregnancy.
3. What does perinatal mood disorder look like.
4. Red Flags to look for in perinatal mood disorders: intensity of your mood, do your symptoms immobilize you, what is the duration of these feelings and how often are you feeling these strong feelings.
5. The importance of talking about the different signs of perinatal depression.
6. Treatment for postpartum depression.
7. Risk factors that increase the chance of postpartum depression.
8. Taking a holistic approach to treating women’s mental health.
9. Creating a women’s wellness plan. (See SNOWBALL visual below)
10. Treating symptoms during pregnancy will help prevent postpartum depression.
11. The many emotions perinatal depression can present itself as: rage, anger, guilt, anxiety, shame, and sadness.
12. Recognizing inconsistent emotions in yourself.
13. The importance of a preventative plan.
14. Barriers to treatment.
15. The lifespan of a mother’s mental health.

I honestly believe there were lines that we could get in before we were born.  One of those lines was for potential parents and it was labeled "Those Who Want To Spend Your Life Running Around Like a Chicken With Its Head Cut Off Line Up Here."  The other was probably something like "Living With Purpose and Having Your Junk Together, Line Up Here."  I don't know if I was attracted to the chicken theme, the headless theme, simply illiterate, or just plain dumb, but I CLEARLY joined the wrong line!

Laura Hintze, our guest today, on the other hand, was far better at either choosing correctly or line jumping before it was too late.  She's here to help all of us who feel like human pin balls, running from one fire to the next, only to feel at the end of the day like nothing that you wanted to accomplish had happened to find some order and peace in our lives.

Living each day with purpose and with a plan allows for:

1. You get done the things that you wanted.
2. You make sure the important parts of your day actually happen.
3. Scheduling allows for free and family time to take place instead of getting shoved aside ... again.  This eliminates so much of the dreaded mom guilt that we all deal with!

True story...one day, on a mom fail DAY, I allowed my sons to play video games for HOURS.  Finally after I finished whatever project it was that had distracted me from paying attention to my boys, I told my boys to get off their devices.  As soon as my boys got off, it was like a fog had been lifted from them. They told me they were starving and had to go to the bathroom. They had been so sucked into their devices that they had completely stopped paying attention to their basic needs. My boys could literally could spend their ENTIRE day playing video games on their devices if I didn’t regulate what they were doing.  I HATE regulating screen time! I am constantly looking for ideas to regulate their screen time. I was so excited to find Andrea Davis and her website, “Better Screen Time.” Andrea is the mother of five children. Through both research and her own family’s experiences she has created a great resource for parents to learn about managing screen time and cell phone use. In this week’s episode we get the opportunity to learn from Andrea.  She talks to us about strategies for regulating screen time and helping our family buy into regulating their own screen time. Here is what we talked about:

1. What family life event lead Andrea to create her website, “Better Screen Time.”
2. Andrea’s tree frog experience and how it relates to screens in our home.
3. How to get your family to buy into controlling their screen time use.
4. Taking back cell phones when you feel like your child isn’t ready.
5. The value of teaching our kids the WHY.
6. What a Family Tech Think Tank is.
7. How to start a family tech think tank
8. How to  get the whole family to buy into a new screen time plan.
9. Topics to discuss with your family about monitoring screen time.
10. Teaching kids to come up with their own consequences.
11. Managing the amount of time your kids are on screens.
12. When is a child ready for a cell phone.
13. When and how to transition a child from a flip phone to a smartphone.
14. Teaching kids the dangers of social media.
15. What “technoference” is and how to avoid it.

Mom Squad Challenge: Schedule a time on the calendar when you can have your first Family Tech Think Tank.

This week’s episode is SO MUCH FUN!  We talked with four normal (amazing) moms who shared some of their funniest and most outlandish mom fails with us.  This is an hour of stomach-clenching, tear-streaming, head-shaking laughter that you are sure to enjoy!

We love mom fails because ALL MOMS have them but our society is so aimed at perfection that no moms WANT to admit and share them. Instead, they are hushed. And shamed. Instead of moms having a cathartic laugh at all the imperfections, they  feel underqualified and overly flawed.

We believe in being the best moms that we can be, but we also believe that there is a HUGE difference between a mom who is trying and a mom who is perfect.  Perfection doesn’t actually exist (outside of social media)! Real life equals successes and failures with a goal to learn from the past and do better on the next go round...maybe….it might take a few go rounds.  So let’s enjoy life’s imperfections and let’s have a good laugh at those times when we mean to soar but instead we trip on our own feet, hit the wall, and fall down the stairs into a laundry basket full of dirty socks!  

In addition to the great mom fails in this episode, listen in to also hear:

• Why no one wants Beth, Andrea and Camille to watch their kids anymore.
• Why you can say whatever you want if you preface it with “Bless your heart…”
• How Andrea got her boys to start BEGGING to mop the floor.  Whaaaat????

Bios

Natalie Haddock:  Natalie is pretty much the greatest and she hates writing bios.  Ok. Fine! I’m the mother of 4 boys. Miraculously they’ve only had 1 broken leg and 1 set of staples among them, so I guess that makes me a pretty good mom.  I’ve been trying to lose the last 10 pounds for the last 6 years and still haven’t figured that out.

Melissa Parr:  I’m currently a stay at home mom with two adorable and sassy little girls. I, quite recently won a year-long potty training battle and am teaching my baby to crawl (which is harder than it sounds because her head is twice the size of her body).  I love dancing, reading historical fiction, and eating chocolate chips dipped in peanut butter when there are no “official” snacks in the house...every single night.

Biz Hancuff:  I’m a wife and mother of three beautiful, smart, funny, amazing, sassy, smelly,  stressful monstrous children...who I adore. Like most of you, I’ve had many different jobs, none of which even came close to preparing me for the job of mothering.  It’s joyous and nightmarish in one breath. It’s beautiful and ugly simultaneously. And it is exhilarating and exhausting all at once. It’s an experience unlike anything else...one I would not trade for the world!

Danna Parker:  I’m a mother of three smart and fun boys.  I love working out, especially zumba and power tone classes.  I love the great outdoors and enjoy spending time with my family on hikes, paddleboarding and boating.

Advice given:

• Just be you.  Embrace who you are and just do mothering how you do it!  If you are doing mothering authentically to who you are, you’re doing it right.  - Biz
• Stop yelling at your kids...just whisper.  It’s proven to be more effective at getting their attention.  - Danna