Bite Your Tongue: The Podcast

Your adult child calls. Again.

The rent is due. The car payment is late. There’s another financial crisis — and once again, you’re being asked to help.

So what do you do when you know your adult child is struggling, but you also know that some of the struggle comes from their own financial choices?

In this short episode of Straight from the Listener Line: Real Questions, Real Answers, Denise turns to psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein to answer a question many parents wrestle with:

“What do I do when my adult child keeps asking for money after making irresponsible decisions?”

Dr. Bernstein talks about the difficult place where love and limits collide — and why repeatedly stepping in to solve a financial crisis may actually keep an adult child from learning to manage one.

You’ll hear:

• The difference between rescuing and supporting
• Why “I can’t afford it” may not be the best response — especially when it isn’t true
• What you can say instead of automatically saying yes
• Ways to offer help without simply handing over cash
• Why an adult child’s anger about a new boundary doesn’t necessarily mean the boundary is wrong
• How parents can manage their own anxiety and resist the urge to rush in and fix things

Sometimes real support isn’t about making today’s problem disappear. It’s about helping our adult children become more capable of handling tomorrow’s.

Have a question for Straight from the Listener Line?
Call us at 719-347-1106 or email us at [email protected].

Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

What does it really mean to be a “good daughter”?

For many women, it means remembering birthdays, making the phone calls, planning the holidays, buying the gifts, checking on aging parents, keeping siblings connected—and carrying an enormous amount of emotional and mental work that nobody else sees.

Dr. Alison Alford, author of Good Daughtering: The Work You've Always Done, the Credit You've Never Gotten, and How to Finally Feel Enough, calls this work “daughtering.” Her research explores the active—and often invisible—ways adult daughters work to keep families connected. 

In this episode of Bite Your Tongue, we speak to Dr. Alford about what daughtering looks like today, particularly when women are also juggling careers, partners, children, friendships and households.

We discuss social reproductive labor and the “first, second and third shifts”: our paid work; the work of running a household; and the wider work of maintaining family and community relationships. Dr. Alford points out that men certainly do this work, too, but women are still more often expected to do it. 

We also explore:

• The hypothesis of generosity. Rather than assuming an adult child's silence or absence means something is wrong in the relationship, what if we make the most generous assumption possible? Maybe they love us very much—and have simply run out of resources. 
• Rumination. Dr. Alford compares replaying our hurts and worries to repeatedly running water through the same coffee grounds: eventually everything becomes bitter. Filling our own lives and practicing gratitude can help break that cycle. 
• Connection versus information. When we finally get our adult children on the phone, are we peppering them with questions? Dr. Alford suggests preparing a few interesting things we can bring to the conversation instead. 
• Conversational “doorknobs.” Offer topics your child can choose to open—or not. An article, a funny story, something happening in your own life. Every doorknob doesn't have to be opened. 
• Judgment versus curiosity. Even positive responses such as “That's great!” can sometimes close a conversation. Instead, try curiosity: “How did you come to that?” 
• Matrophobia—the fear of becoming one's mother—and why a daughter's desire to be different from us doesn't necessarily mean she's rejecting us. 

And one final challenge for parents: Are we asking our daughters and daughters-in-law to carry responsibilities we don't expect from our sons? Dr. Alford suggests distributing the work. Sometimes, simply text your son instead.

Resources Mentioned

Dr. Alison Alford's Good Daughtering and her work: Daughtering 101

Dr. Alford also recommends Eve Rodsky's Fair Play, which looks at the often-invisible work required to keep a household and family functioning. Learn about Fair Play and the book

There is also a Fair Play card deck designed to help couples talk about and redistribute household responsibilities. I'm intrigued by this one! The Fair Play Deck PenguinRandomhouse.com

And here's the article Dr. Alford mentions about creating conversational “doorknobs”: Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

How do you set boundaries with an adult child struggling with addiction when every limit feels frightening—and potentially dangerous?

In this episode, a listener describes the painful cycle her family has been living through: addiction, crisis, promises, hope and then another setback. She loves her adult child and wants to do everything possible to keep them safe. But she is also exhausted, frightened and no longer sure whether repeatedly stepping in is helping—or allowing the cycle to continue.

Therapist Joe Nucci joins us to talk about one of the most difficult situations a parent can face.

We discuss:

• Why addiction changes the way parents need to think about help, responsibility and boundaries
• The difference between supporting recovery and repeatedly rescuing someone from the consequences of addiction
• Why parents cannot control another person’s willingness to seek treatment
• How fear of the worst possible outcome can keep families trapped in unsustainable patterns
• Why setting a boundary is not the same as abandoning an adult child
• The importance of deciding what help parents can—and cannot—continue providing
• Why parents need support and guidance of their own
• How to remain loving and emotionally available without taking responsibility for another adult’s recovery

This is not a conversation about becoming cold or turning away from someone who is ill.

It is about recognizing that love does not give parents the power to control addiction—and that sacrificing their own emotional, physical and financial well-being cannot guarantee their child’s safety.

Listen to the full episode for more/

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

If you've listened to Bite Your Tongue for a while, you may remember this conversation with friendship expert Shasta Nelson. I'm bringing it back because when I listened to it again, I realized just how much is packed into this episode.

Yes, we talk about friendship—but we also talk about something at the very heart of this podcast: How do we build a healthier, more adult relationship with our grown children?

Shasta introduces us to what she calls the Friendship Triangle: positivity, consistency and vulnerability. And while she developed it around friendship, those same three things can tell us a lot about our relationships with our adult kids.

One part really stayed with me.

Shasta says vulnerability with our adult children isn't telling them what we think they should do differently. It's having the courage to ask what we might have done differently.

Can we ask: How did I impact you in ways I may not even realize? What was hard for you growing up? What do you wish I had done more of—or less of?

And then comes the really hard part: Can we listen to the answer without defending ourselves?

But there's another piece of this conversation I think is equally important.

We need lives and relationships outside our children.

I said during this interview that the fuller my own life is, the less I feel I have to depend on my kids. Shasta takes that idea even further. Our adult children can be incredibly important relationships in our lives—but they don't have to be our best friends. We need people our own age who can listen to us, challenge us and help us process our own feelings.

Maybe those two ideas are more connected than I realized the first time we recorded this episode.

The stronger and fuller we are outside the relationship, the better able we may be to show up inside it—with less need, less judgment, more curiosity and more vulnerability.

So whether you heard this episode the first time around or you're discovering it today, I hope you'll listen again. I certainly heard some things differently this time.

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

If you've ever stared at your phone wondering whether to send that text, this episode is for you.  Sometimes the silence lasts longer than you want.  Sometimes you feel them pushing away.

That's why this episode of Straight from the Listener Line: Real Questions, Real Answers, tackles one of the most emotionally difficult dilemmas parents face.

If your adult child isn't reaching out, should you call? Text? Wait? And how do you stay connected without feeling like you're chasing them?

We talk to one of our favorite therapists Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein (Dr. Jeff).  

Together we discuss:

• How often should parents reach out?
• The difference between inviting connection and expressing frustration
• Why "keeping score" damages relationships
• How to talk about communication without sounding critical
• What to do when you're afraid you're doing too much—or not enough
• Are you inviting connection or pushing them away. 

We found Dr. Jeff's advice to be spot on and we hope this listener who posed the question finds help, but also that all of the listeners find a kernel of support or help that they can take with them. 

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is an episode re-run and one that is still so relevant and needs a re-listen. It seems actually that it is even more relevant today.  Parent's are still asking Parents are still asking, "How do I stay close to my adult child without pushing them away?" Francine Toder's answer isn't another communication technique—it's something much harder: look at yourself first.

When our children become adults, many of us assume the hardest years are behind us. But for countless parents, the challenges simply change.

In this thoughtful conversation, psychologist and author Dr. Francine Toder explains why building healthy relationships with our adult children requires something many of us never expected: changing ourselves.

Drawing from her book Your Kids Are Grown: Parenting 2.0, Francine explores why parents often experience anxiety, disappointment, and even physical stress over their adult children's decisions—and why those feelings are often signals that we need to pause before reacting.

Together we discuss:

• Why our expectations often become our biggest obstacle
• What that "knot in your stomach" really means
• How parents unintentionally push adult children away
• The importance of treating adult children as equals
• Why advice—even well-intended advice—can feel like criticism (we've heard this before!)
• How gifts and financial help sometimes come with hidden strings
• The role of self-awareness in repairing relationships
• Why our children don't need us to fix everything—they need us to understand them
• How to create a meaningful life beyond parenting

If you've ever wondered whether you're helping—or accidentally hurting—your relationship with your adult child, this episode is filled with compassionate insight and practical wisdom.

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

When an adult child moves back home once, many parents see it as temporary. But what happens when it becomes a pattern?

In this episode of Straight from the Listener Line: Real Questions, Real Answers, Denise is joined by psychotherapist Joe Nucci to answer a listener's heartfelt question about her adult son, who has returned home five different times.

Together they explore the difficult balance between offering support and fostering independence, why curiosity is more helpful than assumptions, and how parents can have honest conversations without losing compassion.

We discuss:

• Why adult children may repeatedly move back home
• The difference between helping and enabling
• Questions parents should ask before making decisions
• How curiosity can uncover the real issue
• Why temporary discomfort can sometimes lead to long-term growth
• Navigating guilt while remaining true to your parenting values

Key Takeaway

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't opening the door—it's knowing when it's time to close it.

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Some conversations are worth revisiting.

As we prepared to re-release this conversation with therapist Rachel Haack, I listened to it again for the first time in several years. I thought I knew exactly what Rachel was going to say. After all, I was the one asking the questions.

But that's the gift of listening again. Sometimes the conversation hasn't changed at all—you have.

This time, Rachel's insights on defensiveness, curiosity, perfection, and the evolving relationship between parents and their adult children landed in a completely different way. I found myself reflecting not only on my parenting, but on how much I've grown since we first recorded this episode.

Whether you're hearing this conversation for the first time or listening again alongside me, I hope you'll discover something new, too.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why defensiveness is one of the biggest barriers to healthy conversations with our adult children.
• How choosing curiosity over certainty can transform difficult discussions.
• What it really means to know your adult child as the person they are today—not just the child you raised.
• Why asking, "I know I have blind spots. Would you help point them out to me?" can deepen trust and connection.
• The changing role of parents as adult children build lives, relationships, and families of their own.
• Rachel's compassionate perspective on mothers-in-law, shifting family roles, and the grief that can accompany those transitions.
  
  
• Why perfection is an impossible goal—and why embracing life's complexities leads to healthier family relationships.
  The wisdom behind Rachel's grandfather's saying: "Those who know the most know to say the least."

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is our first in a series of our new shorter segments called: 

Straight from the Listener Line – Real Questions. Real Answers.

In this new series, we take one real listener question and bring in an expert to help us think it through honestly, thoughtfully, and with real-life experience behind it.

Today’s episode tackles a topic many grandparents quietly struggle with:
“What happens when you’re trying your best to help… but it still feels like you can’t do anything right?”

A listener shares the emotional challenge of being both a stepmom and mother-in-law while navigating the first year of a new baby’s life. 

From formula instructions and changing nap schedules to feelings of criticism, boundaries, and the complicated dynamics between a daughter-in-law’s family and a son’s family, she describes what feels like a “no-win situation.”

Joining Denise is grandparent expert Kimberly Bepler, founder of GrandparentDoula.com and a returning guest from Season 5, Episode 95.

I thought I had the answer to this one. But I was real off and Kimberly was spot on.

She offers a compassionate and eye-opening perspective on what many new parents — especially first-time mothers — are experiencing beneath the surface:

• The intense pressure and vulnerability of new motherhood
• Why control can feel so important during the first year
• How social media and modern parenting expectations affect confidence
• Why grandparents often feel criticized even when they mean well
• The importance of supporting parents’ goals, even when they seem rigid or constantly changing
• How empathy, reassurance, and flexibility can strengthen family relationships

This conversation is thoughtful, practical, and deeply validating for grandparents trying to navigate changing family roles with love and grace.

If you’ve ever wondered:
• “Why does everything feel so sensitive?”
• “Why do I feel like I’m always getting it wrong?”
• “How do I stay supportive without overstepping?”

— this episode is for you.

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This week we're revisiting one of our  most talked-about episodes.  Clinical psychologist and bestselling author of the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,  Dr. Lindsay Gibson joins us discuss emotional maturity, self-awareness, and why we need to play the long game.

Many parents struggle with the feeling that they are constantly being asked to listen, validate, and accommodate their adult children while their own feelings go unheard. Dr. Gibson offers a different perspective. She argues that when the goal is preserving and strengthening a relationship, sometimes the most important thing is not proving who is right but understanding the other person's emotional experience.

In this conversation, we discuss:

• What it means to be an emotionally immature parent—and why emotional maturity exists on a continuum
• Why every parent, even the most loving parent, has moments they regret
• How stress, anxiety, and defensiveness affect our relationships with our adult children
• What to do when your adult child remembers an event very differently than you do
• Why intentions and impact are not always the same thing
• The difference between surface-level family relationships and emotionally intimate relationships
• Why validation does not mean admitting guilt or agreeing with everything your child says
• The listener question many parents ask: "Why is it always on us?"
• Dr. Gibson's perspective on estrangement and the role therapy should play in family relationships
• How parents can develop greater self-awareness and self-knowledge at any age
• Why building a healthy relationship with an adult child often requires playing "the long game"

One of the most memorable takeaways from this episode is Dr. Gibson's reminder that relationships are not courtrooms. When an adult child shares something that hurt them, focusing on understanding their experience may be more helpful than debating the facts.

Whether your relationship with your adult child is thriving, strained, or somewhere in between, this conversation offers thoughtful insights into connection, communication, and personal growth.

About Dr. Lindsay Gibson

Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the bestselling author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Her work has helped millions of readers better understand family dynamics, emotional maturity, and the path toward healthier relationships.

To send us your own question for a future episode:
Call our Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic."  We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.

Please follow us on social media now.  It helps us so much.  Facebook Instagram

Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

Website: biteyourtonguepodcast.com
Substack: Behind the Mic
Listener Line: 719-347-1106
Email: [email protected]

And remember…
sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

Support the show

The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.