Family Looking Up

Overwhelmed.  Too busy. Too much stuff.  Who else is feeling this? I don’t know about your family, but my family is constantly running from one activity to another.  Quality family time seems to be a precious commodity now. This week we are talking to Jillian Johnsrud of the popular website, “Montana Money Adventures.”  Jillian coaches people to live an intentional life. Her popular website provides resources to reduce spending and increase freedom. Jillian and her husband were forced to live a minimalist lifestyle when they adopted three foster kids and had a child of their own in one year.  With the foster kids came numerous state appointments and challenges forcing them to simplify their life. At one point Jillian even removed all colored clothing from her wardrobe to reduce the choices she had to make every day. As their family has grown they have become really good at evaluating their family life and eliminating those “good” activities in order to make room for the “great” activities.  The lessons in minimalism Jillian has learned are applicable to all of us who are running around, like chickens with our heads chopped off, trying to keep up with the many activities our children are involved in. If you’re looking to reduce stress and increase time with your family you are going to want to listen to this one! Here is what we talked about:

1. Big family minimalism and why Jillian’s family found the need to implement it.
2. Jillian’s year of “easier not harder.”
3. Taking out the extras in family time.
4. Learning to let go of the unnecessary things in family life.
5. Making a “quit list.”
6. How to get kids to agree to cut out activities.
7. Evaluating the cost of a busy life.
8. Evaluating family priorities.
9. Cross training your life (doing something that is intentionally difficult.)
10. Teaching kids to do hard things.
11. Helping kids exercise their “struggle muscle.”
12. Having the courage to take out good things to be replaced with GREAT things.
13. Creating time for connection.
14. Investing in the learning curve of living together.  Learning to enjoy time together.
15. Minimizing your STUFF.
16. Labeling THINGS as hard working or lazy.
17. Teaching your kids to reduce their possessions.
18. Where to begin living more of a minimalist lifestyle.

Mom Squad Challenge:  Try to opt out of all your family activities for two weeks and see what really is adding value and enriching your life.  Add those enriching things back in and hopefully have more confidence to cancel all the other stuff.

Resources:

To find out more about Jillian, get all her resources and join her email list visit her website: www.montanamoneyadventures.com

Favorite Parenting Book: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Favorite Book: Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

I  saw a meme the other day that said “I don’t do the KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON thing.  I do the spontaneously combust and go totally mental thing.   Just FYI…”  It made me laugh and think that most parents INTEND to do the keep calm thing, but END UP doing the spontaneously combust thing instead.  Why?!? Well, today we bring you HOPE and HELP from none other than Ralphie Jacobs of “Simply on Purpose”.  If you’re not familiar with Ralphie’s instagram site where she teaches parents, then you are in for a treat!  In addition to all the great tips we receive from Ralphie, listen in to hear our segment called “What?!? What could that hurt??” to hear more funny stories of parenting fails where we GREATLY underestimated the impact of 1 bad decision!”

Ralphie lives in Austin Texas with her husband and their 4 amazing daughters.  She graduated in Early Childhood Education from Utah State University and has worked as a preschool teacher and creator of children's organizations and curriculum.  Ralphie quickly learned that the best way to impact a child's life for good is to teach parents, so she founded the Instagram feed @simplyonpurose where she writes about parenting, family culture, and living with purpose. She travels the country teaching workshops on positive parenting.

In this week’s episode Ralphie shares how she decided to dedicate herself to helping parents through teaching.  

She also spent time laying the foundation of staying calm by teaching us the importance of respect.  Most people think of respect in relation to a parent/child relationship as children needing to respect their parent.  While this is true, it is just as important for a parent to respect the child. It is through modeling respect that children will learn HOW to respect.  

“You do not want to teach your children that the way to gain respect is to lash out at people lower than you on the totem pole.”

5 coping strategies to help parents stay calm...even when they’re triggered:

1. Don’t take it personal.

“With parenting we have to check our ego at the door.  When we yell, we are taking it personally. It is a personal affront.  What’s actually happening is purely developmental.”

1. Learn how to stay curious.
2. Be consistent (have clear expectations).
   1. Walk away...especially if you are the one who’s triggered!
3. Use time to your advantage.
   1. Change the don’ts into do’s.
   2. Stop the threats.
   3. Switch a negative into a positive.
4. Wrap what you are saying carefully.

“The number 1 reinforcer for a child is parental attention.”

THE FANTASTIC FOUR QUESTIONS:

1. Favorite parenting book:  All of Dr. Glen Latham’s books.  Here are a few Ralphie mentioned:  “The Power of Positive Parenting”, “Parenting With Love”, “Christlike Parenting”.
2. Favorite fictional book:  “Blackmoore” by Julianne Donaldson.
3. Advice you wish you had been given before you had kids:  Remember that little things really are little things. Don’t sweat the small things.  Sit back and enjoy the chaos.
4. Mom fail:  Listen in for an awesome story about a time Ralphie was distracted in a place and at a moment that turned out to be very unfortunate!

MOM SQUAD CHALLENGE

Look for the good in your child.  Change the ratio of positive to negative interactions with your child to an 8:1 ratio.  (Eight positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction). The most effective way to get rid of the “junk” in your childs behavior is to pay attention to the good.  If you pay attention to the good, statistics say that 80% of the junk will go away.

We want to thank Ralphie for spending time with us and sharing all of these insights!  You can find out more about Ralphie and listen to all of her parenting lessons on instagram @SimplyOnPurpose.

Assertiveness?  Who else is a little afraid of that word?  In this week’s episode, Dr. Julie Hanks talks to us about the value of being assertive and how it is a benefit to both you and your family.  Julie is the owner of Wasatch Family Therapy. She is a licensed therapist and the author of both The Burnout Cure: An Emotional Survival Guide For Overwhelmed Women and The Assertiveness guide for Women: How to communicate your needs, set healthy boundaries and transform your relationships.  If you feel like sometimes your needs aren’t met in your relationships whether it is as a mother, spouse, friend or co-worker, you are going to want to listen to this episode!  Here is what we talked about:

1. What it means to be assertive.
2. Common misconceptions women have about being assertive.
3. How to act on your own needs without feeling selfish.
4. Why it’s important for women to learn to express their needs.
5. The three different communication styles.
6. The “Lantern Stance” style of communication and its benefits.
7. The five skills to improve your assertive communication:
8. Using self-reflection to impact your ability to be assertive in the present.
9. Using self-awareness to understand what you think, feel, want, and need.
10. Self-soothing to connect with your current emotions.
11. Using self-expression to express what you are feeling.
12. Self expansion: allowing yourself to be changed.
13. The importance of modeling proper assertive communication for you family.
14. The value of practicing self-compassion.
15. How to learn to say “no” and be ok with it.
16. Why it’s important to learn to say  “no”.
17. How Julie used the five skills to assertive communication skills to turn a heated discussion into a relationship building experience with her daughter.
18. Learning to be curious in your parenting instead of shameful.

Mom squad Challenge: Practice Self Compassion.  If you’re suffering, treat yourself kindly instead of beating yourself up.  We all have times where we’re feeling something we don’t want to feel. Give yourself a break and tell yourself it is ok.

This week’s show is all about saving lives!  Dr.  Greg Hudnall is with us and shared some incredible insights in how we, as parents, can help our kids, our kids friends, and community members to keep hope alive and prevent suicides.  Dr. Hudnall is a former high school principal, student service director and associate superintendent with the Provo City School District. He has been involved with suicide prevention for the past twenty years and has personally been involved with over forty-five suicides as a first responder or consultant
is considered one of Utah’s leading experts in community and school-based suicide prevention, intervention and postvention.  

Listen in to hear the specific, and easy things you can do to begin making a difference today for those you love.  Also, you can hear our thoughts on traveling with kids, including a story of Beth’s daughter having her face caressed by many members of a tour group….every girls dream.  Aaaaaand...find out what Dr. Hudnalls 5 year old screamed for all to hear as he carried him out of church one day. This is a must listen!

Suicide is a heavy topic, one often avoided.  Unfortunately, the lack of knowing exactly how to prevent suicides led the Provo City Utah School District to average one to two suicides per year during the late 1980’s and early 1990’s.  Dr. Hudnall began his journey toward suicide prevention in that district as a principal. Provo was not unique in its high suicide rates.  Students across the nation were struggling with this devastating problem...many still are.

Through a collaboration effort with many different experts, Dr. Hudnall created the Hope4Utah Foundation and Hope Squads in over 300 schools in Utah and several states nationwide.  According to the Hope4Utah website, a Hope Squad is defined as “... the eyes and ears of your school. They are comprised of students who are trained to watch for at-risk students–provide friendship, identify warning signs, and seek help from adults. HOPE4UTAH works with school advisors to train students who have been identified by their classmates as trustworthy peers to serve as HOPE Squad members. Through evidence-based training modules, HOPE Squad members are empowered to seek help and save a life.”  The decrease in teen suicides across Utah has been dramatic since in implementation of Hope Squads.

Suicide prevention is a community issue.  No one person can solve the problem. Students, teachers, principals, and therapists all have a significant role to play.  They cannot be alone in this endeavor. Parents are an integral part of this equation. Dr. Hudnall recently released a book called “Hope Squad:  The Successful Suicide Prevention Program For Youth.” This book outlines what specific things parents, educators, and community members can do to immediately begin helping to prevent suicides.  Below are some of the topics (called LIFE SAVERS) we discussed in this episode that are found within the book.

1. How to begin a conversation with someone about suicide.
   1. Talking about or making plans for suicide.
   2. Expressing hopelessness about the future.
   3. Displaying severe/overwhelming emotional pain or distress.
2. The warning signs of suicide:

1. 1. Showing worrisome behavioral clues or marked changes in behavior, particularly in the presence of warning signs above.
   1. People who talk about suicide won’t really do it.
   2. Anyone who tries to kill him/herself must be crazy.
   3. If a person is determined to kill themself nothing is going to stop them.
   4. People who commit suicide are people  unwilling to get help.
2. Common misconceptions about suicide:
3. Protective factors and resiliency:

The following protective factors are personal characteristics that are critical to helping your child, and those characteristics that also help children build resiliency.

1. Effective behavioral care.
   1. Family dinner
   2. Create opportunities to make and keep friends.
2. Connectedness
3. Self esteem and a sense of purpose or meaning in life.
4. Cultural, religious or personal beliefs that discourage suicide.

It's just us on the episode today!  We asked our Mom Squad to ask us questions that they have been DYING to know the answer to and today we are answering them.

Who are we?

How did we meet our husbands?

How did this podcast start?

What goes into starting and running a podcast?

Why are we so amazing? Ok no one asked us that :)

We talk about how Family Looking Up got started, why we put in the hours to keep it going, and a little about each of our personal lives and families.  

Mom Squad!  This week's episode is for you!  We have Chanelle Neilson, from the Moms Who Know podcast, talking with us about why moms need to take care of themselves, why moms don't, and why it is SUCH a big mistake!  

Listen in to hear a great story about  how Chanelle found out she was pregnant with her fifth child (a major surprise), at age 38, and how Chanelle began her writing and podcasting career in China....whaaaat?!?  Plus find out Andrea's best tip for breastfeeding moms.

Chanelle Neilson is the host and creator of the Moms Who Know Podcast. She is the author of Parenting with Purpose, which has been translated into Chinese. She has worked in the fitness industry for 20 years and is a certified yoga instructor. She loves sunshine, healthy living, and dark chocolate. Chanelle is the mother of 5 kids and is married to her best friend. 

"When we take care of ourselves we can take BETTER care of everyone else." - Chanelle Neilson

A major part of being able to care for ourselves is connected to our ability to let go of our responsibilities ... at least temporarily. This is nearly impossible for some moms!  Why?

• Part of this is caused by mom guilt...an affliction known to many.
• Part is a control issue.  We, as moms, want things to go a certain way.  If we're not there, doing things our way (the right way), we worry about it getting done wrong...if at all.  We have to be willing to let go of the control over those things to properly take care of ourselves.

5 Areas of Self-Care

1. Physical
2. Mental
3. Nourishing your body
4. Relaxation
5. Social

Chanelle explored each of these areas, why they are so important, and how moms can easily implement them.

•  PHYSICAL:  
• Exercise is definitely one aspect of physical self care that is important.
• We should listen to our bodies.  The needs of our body change from day to day, but those needs MUST be met.  Perhaps one day you need a good, hard run, but on another your body may need rest, or a really good yoga stretch.  
• Sometimes a physical need may not have to do with our bodies at all.  Perhaps we desperately need order and loveliness in our home or garden.  It could be the need to help our house or garden look better.
• How can we be aware of our physical needs?
  • It takes time to learn to slow down and listen to what our body is saying about its needs.  It becomes easier with practice.
  • In the chaos that is motherhood, we need to be able to FEEL and THINK.
• MENTAL
• A huge part of mental self care has to do with incorporating things into our life that stimulate us, such as podcasts (shameless plug!), books, puzzles, etc.
• Sometimes mental self care can mean taking a mental break.  We live in a world where we are constantly needing to  process information.  Sometimes the goal needs to be finding peace.
  • We may need to turn off the TV or music in the background in order to create and hear the peace.
• "Turn it all off once in a while and have silence and see what comes up in your mind.  Mental self care might mean putting more in and it might mean letting more out and giving yourself space."
• NOURISHING YOUR BODY
• Feeding our bodies needs to be done with care and consideration.
• Chanelle talks about the benefits of an 80%/20% rule when it comes to food and indulgence.  Essentially that means that 80% of the time we should choose healthy choices.  That gives us the freedom to indulge 20% of the time without guilt.  This rule lends itself to a huge mental shift where food is concerned so that we can nourish our body AND our souls.
• RELAX
• This area is more commonly thought of as PAMPERING.
• If moms have the time and money to have manicures, pedicures, and massages, then that certainly is one way to pamper ourselves.  If not, here are some ideas on how moms can pamper for little or no money:
  • Hot bath with epsom salts or essential oils.
  • Foot bath with marbles at the bottom so you can move your feet around on them and accomplish a foot bath along with a massage.
  • Ask friends over for a night of pampering and do any above along with facial masks, eye cucumber treatments, soothing music, etc.
• SOCIAL
• The most important part of social self care is to be with people that FILL you!  Notice how your friends make you feel.  If you feel worse about YOU after being with them, that's a good indication that being with them is not good social self care.
• Stay at home moms can be very lonely which strains not only themselves, but their relationships with their children and their husbands.  
• Here are some ideas for social self care:
  • Call friends---old and new---and connect.
  • Make play dates for your kids and spend the time connecting with their moms.

How can busy moms fit self care into their lives?

• It's all about making tasks a habit!
• Morning routines
• Night routines
• Daily effort works better than weekly to truly nourish moms and make them better able to nourish others.

MOM SQUAD CHALLENGE:

Chanelle is issuing a challenge to all of her podcast listeners and would like to include our listeners in it!

The Fill Your Own Cup Self Care Challenge!  August 20-25.  Spend 5 days focusing on a different aspect of self care for you!

To participate go to www.momswhoknowpodcast.com/selfcare

TO LEARN MORE ABOUT CHANELLE:

www.momswhoknowpodcast.com

Apple Podcast: Moms Who Know

facebook.com/momswhoknowpodcast

Note:  This is a continuation of episode 22.

Today we have Niki Olsen…AGAIN!  She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor.   She has spent over 16 years working with youth and families specializing in a modality called Mind Body Bridging which can help a variety of issues. She is married with two little girls in elementary school. She currently lives in Utah but is originally from Oregon. Niki loves to be with her family, and in her free time can be found exercising or sleeping.

We are focusing on using the technique known as “Mind Body Bridging” to help manage our stress.  Everyone experiences stress in their lives, but sometimes stress becomes so overwhelming that the stress then interferes with our ability to function.  We will identify the cause that impairs our functioning and creates a dysfunctional Mind and Body state. We will also experience ways to help manage this dysfunctional Mind Body State.  

This is the second part of our mind body bridging interactive episode.  To listen to episode 22, the first part of this interactive episode, click here http://familylookingup.com/2018/03/27/stress-management-interactive-post-with-nikki-olsen-episode-22/

Listen to this episode when you have time to participate in the activities with us as you will be pausing the episode to complete some writing exercises.  You will need three pieces of paper and a pencil.

We will be focusing on:

1. Becoming aware of the Identity System that creates the overwhelming stress.
2. Mapping out our thoughts.
3. Coming to our Senses to decrease body tension and mind clutter.
4. Identifying depressor thoughts and mapping them out.
5. Identifying fixer thoughts and mapping them out.
6. Understanding how depression and anxiety are natural results of these thoughts.
7. Discussing the harmful cycle of depressor and fixer thoughts that occurs when our Identity System is awake and in control.
8. Learning how to cope with these thoughts and end the harmful cycle.

If you would like to learn more about Mind Body Bridging, please visit their website at MBBcharity.org.  There you will find scientific studies, more in-depth information on the theory and ways to become trained if you desire. You may also contact Niki at [email protected] for more ways to become trained or certified on the theory. If you would like to continue your personal Mind Body Bridging learning, we have linked many of these books on our show notes at www.familylookingup.com to purchase.

We want to thank Niki Olsen for her time, insight, and understanding.

Every parent wants their children to grow up and be independent, responsible adults, right?  But how do we do this? This week we have the opportunity to talk to Merrilee Boyack. Merrilee Boyack is an estate-planning attorney.  She is also a professional lecturer and speaks all over the country. Merrilee has been featured for many years at BYU Education Week and Time Out for Women, and is a published author.  Her current passion is working with Family Watch International as President for Utah. She is working to protect families and children at the international level at the United Nations and in supporting governments around the world to institute measures to protect families.  

This week we enlist the help of Merrilee Boyack to teach us her “Master Plan” for teaching kids the life skills they need to be prepared to leave our homes and live on their own.  Here is what we talked about:

1. Merrilee’s family
2. Why Merrilee decided to write a book about teaching life skills to kids.
3. The three basic parenting principles.
4. Principle #1: You are not responsible for making your children happy all the time.
5. Looking at your child’s frustration and unhappiness as learning opportunities.
6. Principle #2: The best self-esteem for children comes from being able to do things on their own.  
7. Self esteem comes from doing things kids know are important.
8. How parents can give up control to allow kids to learn important skills.
9. Principle #3: Remember that we are the parents and we are in charge.
10. Making marriage the center of the family instead of the children.
11. Merrilee’s “Master Plan” for teaching kids life skills so they will be ready for adulthood.
12. How to implement the “Master Plan” without total rebellion from the family.
13. The importance of giving children ownership over their own life skills.
14. Best time of year to work on life skills.
15. How to approach teaching life skills to teenagers.
16. Involving other people in teaching your kids life skills.
17. Rewarding your children after mastery of a skill.
18. Helping kids find their own desire to master skills.

Mom Squad Challenge: Come up with your top three goals for ALL your children. Write them down and post them somewhere.  Figure out the first steps necessary to reach those goals.

Recognizing Gifts in Yourself and Others/ Guest Eric Richards

Eric Richards teaches at Utah State and speaks all over the country and is known for his constant smile and his popular ‘brotherichards’ Instagram/Facebook accounts. His upbeat CDs at Deseret Book are best sellers.  Some random facts: He can clap with one hand. He’s part White, Black, Polynesian, and Native American. He’s left-handed. He eats chocolate every day. He grew up as an only child; his mom is an only child, and his grandma was an only child, so…his family reunions were pretty small.

On the podcast today we talked to Eric about recognizing what talents and abilities each of us have.  He argues that we all have at least one and we can use that to make the world better. Whether your gift is an incredible voice or the ability to recognize that someone is sad, those gifts were given to you and should be used.  We also discuss finding gifts and abilities in all of our family members.

Mom Squad Challenge:
Write a list of 10 gifts that each of your children have.   

Eric’s Favorite Parenting Books:
The 7 habits of highly Effective Families- Stephen R. Covey
Raising up a Family to the Lord- Gene R. Cook

Favorite Fiction Book:
You Are Special- Max Lucado

Eric’s Parenting Advice:
“Mucho Take it Easy”
-Nacho Libre

Holly Thurgood is a stay at home mother of seven.  She is a trained Parenting With Love and Logic Facilitator.  Parenting with Love and Logic is a parenting philosophy founded by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.  Parents who use the Love and Logic approach can help their children to be accountable for their choices.  This philosophy encourages parents to disengage from confrontation and allow the kids to come up with solutions for their own problems.  It also gives parents strategies to get children to complete chores without nagging and fighting. Sounds pretty amazing, right? Holly’s fun personality and hilarious examples made this interview both fun and informative.   Here is what we talked about:

1. Why Holly first sought out the Love and Logic parenting philosophy.
2. What Love and Logic parenting is.
3. Putting an end to arguing, backtalk and begging.
4. Teaching responsibility without losing love.
5. Setting limits without waging war.
6. How to use strategic training sessions to eliminate specific bad behaviors.
7. How to avoid power struggles.
8. Guiding kids to own and solve their problems.
9. How to get kids to complete chores without being asked or being paid.

Mom Squad Challenge: Instead of arguing with your kids or trying to solve their problems when they come to you,  just come up with a phrase you say that disengages you from the situation and lets them work on solving their own problems. For example, when they are upset about a situation at school, just listen and say, “That’s too bad.”  You don’t need to say anything else.

Holly’s favorite Parenting Books:

Smart Money Smart Kids

Parenting With Love and Logic

The Child Whisperer

Growing Up

Favorite Fiction Books:

Harry Potter

Pride And Prejudice

Jackaroo

Wednesday Wars

Advice Holly wished she had had before she became a parent:  We are enough just the way we are, no matter how we are doing it.  Plan on a lot of mom fails and know that that is normal!