Fight for a Happy Life with Sensei Ando: Martial Arts for Everyday Life

Welcome to Episode #51 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast. In this episode, I sit down for an interview with Mr. Jeremy Lesniak.

If you don’t know Jeremy, he is a lifelong martial artist as well as the founder of Whistlekick Sparring Gear and Apparel.

Jeremy is also the host of Whistlekick Martial Arts Radio, a weekly podcast devoted to the promotion of traditional martial arts. If you haven’t listened to his show, you should! It features over 200 episodes, mostly interviews, which makes it a great resource for meeting other martial artists.

In case you missed it, I was actually a guest on that show. You can listen to that here.

But here’s the funny thing about my interview on Jeremy’s podcast—we ended up chatting longer AFTER the recording than during the show! Since I found him to be both funny and knowledgeable, it only made sense to invite him on to my show.

So, grab your headphones and listen in as we discuss…

Sound good? Then let’s meet the man himself!

To LISTEN to the interview, you can either:

If the player won’t play, you’ll find some highlights of our chat below.

If you’d like to support the show, share this link with a friend or leave a quick review over on iTunes. Thank you!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

The post #51: Jeremy Lesniak Interview [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #50 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Catching a Thief.”

I live a pretty quiet life. So, when I got the chance to help catch a thief, I felt like Batman!

In this episode, I share the story and the lessons learned about self-defense and living a happy life.

To LISTEN to, “Catching a Thief,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, share this link with a friend or leave a quick review over on iTunes. Thank you!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life, catching a thief.

[00:24] Welcome to Episode #50—yes, 50!—of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better. My name is Ando and thank you for being here on a very special day.

It took over four years, but we finally hit 50 episodes of this podcast. I’m actually embarrassed because it should have happened months ago, but I took a little break. I got caught up making videos, which I love, but it’s not the same.

But don’t worry! I’m happy to tell you that I’ve already got six more podcasts outlined, I’ve got a bunch of interviews lined up, I’m ready to go. I’m committed to getting to 100 episodes as quickly as I can. But today, it’s the big 5-0.

I thought maybe I should do something special to mark this milestone, but before I could come up with any clever ideas, something interesting happened all on its own. Something involving criminals and police and me. Today, I’m going to tell you exactly what happened and what I learned from it.

But before I do, please, let me just say again, thank you for being here. Without you, I’m just a lunatic with a microphone talking to himself. Honestly, I talk to myself anyway, but thanks to you, I’m not a lunatic ALL the time. That’s why I’m grateful for every email, comment, and review you send me.

For example, I just saw a new review over on iTunes from my friend, DPNet. DP wrote that this show is soothing and inspirational. Quote, “I always feel just a little bit happier and more at peace after listening.”

Come on, man. Don’t make me cry. Thank you, DPNet. You just made me a little bit happier, too.

Okay. On to the show. Here comes a story of cops and robbers…and me.

[02:41]  The day was Sunday. The time was 1:00 in the afternoon. I had just returned home from Kung Fu class. I walked inside, greeted my wife, Kate, and headed into the kitchen to make a protein shake.

Suddenly, two people come running down the driveway of our apartment building and disappear into the backyard. Now, this is odd because our driveway leads nowhere. It’s a dead end. All you’ll find in the back of our building is a laundry room, a dumpster, and our cars.

So, who were these guys and why were they running down our driveway into the backyard? Our first thought was that they were the friends of a young man who lives upstairs. He has friends over once in a while and they usually hang out in the back, which is usually no big deal. But at this moment, my wife was just about to throw in a load of laundry and the idea of walking through a horde of young men didn’t make her feel comfortable. No problem. I said I’d walk back with her.

So, we grabbed the baskets and head into the backyard. I was in the lead, of course. I mean, everyone knows if there’s a chance that someone’s going to get punched or shot, it should be the male, right?

As we round the corner to the back of the building, we saw the two guys who had run down the driveway climbing over the wall to get out of the yard. The bigger of the two looked right at me. I looked right at him. I said, “Wassup?” He said, “Nothing.”

Then he threw his skateboard over the wall and hopped over. That’s when we noticed a multi-tool—one of those all-in-one knife, scissor, corkscrew doohickeys—on the ground. I keep one in my glove compartment. So, I asked my wife, “Is that mine?”

Now, let me tell you, Kate is always on high alert, so she was way ahead of me. She was already inspecting our cars. She saw right away that one of the car doors wasn’t closed all the way. “They were in our cars!” she said.

My first reaction was that she was overreacting. Like I said, Kate is always on high alert, so this felt like another false alarm. But sure enough, when I took a look inside my car and saw the glove compartment wide open, I knew she was right.

Kate jumped into action, “I’m calling the police.” I did my part. “I’ll see if they’re still out front.” I ran out to the street and immediately spotted the bigger punk standing with his skateboard a few doors down yelling for his friend. Apparently, the first punk took off on him.

An idea popped into my head—take his picture! Get some evidence. So, I ran back into my apartment, grabbed my phone, and sprinted back to the street. He was still there. I wasn’t close enough to take the picture, so I started walking towards him.

Well, maybe “walking” isn’t the best word. Even though I wanted to play it cool and not scare him off, I was also annoyed, which means instead of a casual stroll, I found myself marching straight at him like Yul Brynner in Westworld. Or the Terminator. Or a torpedo.

The punk felt my death stare and he stiffened up… but he didn’t run. Maybe he didn’t want to look guilty. Maybe he wasn’t sure what my intentions were. But as I got closer, when he could tell I wasn’t coming over to offer him a piece of pie, he took off. I shouted, “Hey!” and ran after him.

Now, here’s a quick tip for all of you punks and thieves out there—pull up your pants. This punk was wearing those baggy jeans that hang off the butt, so when he threw down his skateboard to run, he actually tripped himself up. As he stumbled to his feet, a flashlight—my flashlight—fell out of his shirt on to the street. We ran to the corner.

When he realized he couldn’t outrun me, he spun around and he squared up. I barked at him like Batman, “Why were you in my yard?” He barked back, “I wasn’t in your car.”

Wow. The fastest confession of all time. This guy was stupid… and a little drunk, I noticed.

Suddenly, the punk puffed up like he was going to punch me. In that moment, the idea of taking his picture was long gone. Once we were face-to-face, I had forgotten all about taking pictures.

I could the feel the phone in my hand, but there was no way I was going to break eye contact to turn on the camera. Instead, I glared at him, sending him the message that punching me was a bad idea.

The punk shifted his weight a few times, we exchanged a few more words, and then he deflated. He stuck out his hand, hoping to make peace. “We’re cool. We’re cool.” I slapped down his hand and said, “No, we’re not cool.”

At that point, I saw Kate in the corner of my eye. She had caught up. I prayed that that she wouldn’t attack him. I prayed that she wouldn’t tell me to attack him!

Thankfully, before anyone could attack anybody, we heard the sound of police sirens. When the punk heard the cops coming, he ran off.

A half a block away, his friend, punk number one, popped out of hiding and joined him. By the time the police arrived, a few of our neighbors had also come out of hiding. Apparently, the two punks had broken into other vehicles before breaking into ours.

According to one guy, he caught the punks taking a break with a bottle of brandy in his laundry room. He chased them off which is what caused them to come running down our driveway. Ah ha. Now it all made sense.

Okay. Fast forward a few minutes…

The officers asked me if I would be comfortable identifying the suspects. That’s right! They caught both of them. Drunk and stupid. You can consider that citizen’s arrest report filed. One point for Team Good Guys.

Interesting side note… the police said they would need to keep my multi-tool and flashlight so they could be used as evidence in the trial. That was about three months ago. Which means, bottom line, I’ve still been robbed!

[09:12]  All right. Now, let’s talk about what I learned from all of this. First, the lessons that apply to self-defense, then the lessons that apply to living a happy life.

As far as self-defense, let’s start with this—chasing bad guys is a stupid idea. In this case, I got lucky. The punk wasn’t armed and he decided not to fight.

Don’t get me wrong—I think my original plan to just get close enough to take his picture was still pretty good. Take the shot, give it to the police, let them do their job. But pursuing the punk all the way down to the corner? That was unnecessary. I’m not even sure why I chased him.

Who am I kidding? The answer is ego. I was upset that someone ripped me off. More than that, my wife was upset and I didn’t want to hear her sniping at me for the rest of my life because I didn’t do anything about being ripped off.

But don’t be fooled—those are just ideas, not actual threats. Recognizing the difference between threats to your self-esteem and threats to your physical safety is a critical issue in self-defense. So, lesson one—

Now, even though I’m sure you’re mature enough to understand that, ego still happens! So, if, like me, you do find yourself chasing down and squaring up to a bad guy for no good reason, do it right.

Thanks to my training, I was careful to control the distance, so I wouldn’t get caught by surprise with a punch. I also had one foot in front of the other so I could keep my balance. I also kept both of my hands up in front of my body, ready for action. And most importantly, I kept my eyes on the punk’s hands.

In most cases, unless your attacker is a talented Capoeira practitioner, or a deranged Cirque du Soleil performer, the hands present the greatest danger. A punch, a push, a grab, a knife, a gun… watch the hands. Even when he says, “We’re cool,” and tries to lull you into a feeling of safety—especially then!—watch the hands.

Oh, that’s another good lesson. Don’t let the bad guy change your feelings. It makes sense that the punk went from freezing, to running, to squaring up, to puffing up, to backing down… as much as I was under stress, he was under more stress.

Why? Because he’s the bad guy! He’s the one who got caught doing something wrong and he’s the one scrambling to figure out how to get out of trouble. Not me. I’m the good guy. Why should I be stressed? My priorities should be clear.

That’s the advantage of being the good guy—clarity. You know who you are, you know what you stand for, and you know what you’re willing to fight for.

Boy, that all sounds great, doesn’t it? Sadly, it’s not that simple. Alas… even though I live a simple life—and by simple, I don’t mean boring, I mean, focused—I was confused.

I wasn’t confused when I grabbed my phone and ran after the punk to take his picture, but boy, my mind got cloudy when we ended up eyeball to eyeball. “Should I hit this guy? Should I restrain this guy? Should I walk away?”

When we squared up, I had no plan. Neither did he. So, you had two guys staring at each other, waiting to see what the other one was going to do. It may sound nuts, but if he had thrown a punch, it would have been a relief! Even if he had pulled a knife, at least I’d be able to say, “Whew! Time to run.”

Instead, we ended up in a staring contest, which is not just stressful, but dangerous! I mean, where was his friend? Did you forget about him? I sure did.

The other punk could easily have been hiding in the bushes, snuck up behind me, and stabbed me to death. The fact is I was so focused on the big punk’s hands, a parade could have gone by with ponies and marching bands and I wouldn’t have known about it.

So, while I give myself a point for staying focused, I also have to take away a point for staying focused. The lesson?

[14:05]  So, what should I have done? Simple. I should’ve taken a step back, checked out my surroundings, tapped on the camera, taken the picture, and walked away.

Yes, it’s so easy to see now. A little space could have made a big difference. To be honest, maybe the only reason the punk puffed up and pulled his arm back ready to punch was because I was too close. Maybe in his mind, I was the bad guy!

I chased him down, got into his space, and was ready to punch. Seriously—I was so busy managing the distance for a fight, that I didn’t think about managing the distance to avoid a fight. That’s a major lesson, my friend.

The longer we stood there, the more my thoughts stressed me out.

“Should I have chased this guy? Did he really break into my car? Was that really my flashlight?

Am I the bad guy here? Is there a chance that I could end up in jail? Is Kate going to mock me for the rest of my life if I don’t punch this guy?”

The stand-off seemed to last forever. The truth is we might still be standing out there if it wasn’t for those police sirens. In the end, neither one of us made a decision. We were both confused and stressed out. Which brings us to the big life lesson…

I hate every word of that advice, but it’s true. If you listen to this show, you know I’d rather tell you to turn your doubt into action. To move forward even when you’re not sure what to do. To trust yourself to figure things out along the way.

Yes, yes, yes… those all make great motivational posters, don’t they? But all of that “rah rah rah”, and “go go go” spirit is meaningless when you’re stuck.

Getting stuck doesn’t happen that often, which is why I don’t talk about it that much.

In this case, I felt stuck, but I could easily have stepped back and walked away. I just didn’t realize it. When you think about it, that’s really what most self-defense training is all about—making you aware of how much more you can do when you think you’re stuck.

In almost all cases, you are more capable than you realize. Not just in self-defense, but in every part of your life.

Trying to make friends, make money, make connections—whatever it is you’re doing to build a happier life for yourself, you have more options and more power than you realize. That’s an important message that I’m committed to repeating over and over again, for you and for myself.

But sometimes, you really are stuck. Like sitting in your car waiting for an accident to be cleared off the highway. Or waiting for a storm to pass. Waiting to hear back after a job interview. Waiting for medical test results. Saving your money to move to a new town or start your own business.

Many times in life, you must wait before you can act. You want to control your fate, yet you end up at the mercy of the gods. It’s humbling. It’s horrible.

[17:56]  In the martial arts, I feel that humility and horror fairly often. The other day, for example, I was rolling with a guy who outweighs me by 70 or 80 pounds. I ended up on my back in his side control for about an hour.

Okay, it was more like five minutes, but it felt like an hour. That’s the effect stress has on time. Time flies when you’re having fun, and stops dead when you’re stuck.

I bumped and thrashed, I grunted and groaned, but went nowhere. I had time to try my A-game, B-game, and my wild card techniques. I had time to try every move I had ever seen, heard about, or imagined, and still, I went nowhere. I was stuck.

The only strategy left was the one I hate the most—wait. I had to wait for him to make a move. Until he changed the situation, my situation would never change. On this occasion, time ran out before he made any moves of his own, which means I lost. Symbolically, I died.

It’s sad, but true—sometimes you have no control over what happens to you. Sometimes, even if you do everything right, you just are not going to get what you want. At least not when you want it.

The best you can do is: 1) prepare yourself to survive whatever life throws at you, and 2) prepare yourself to take action as soon as you get a chance. If you get a chance.

That’s why it’s so important to stay healthy, keep learning, make friends, figure out your strengths and weaknesses, decide on your priorities, and set clear goals.

Again, I hate talking about getting stuck because we’re not really stuck as often as we think. How many times have you talked with a friend who whines about being unhappy with part of their life and the whole time you’re thinking, “Well, stop that! Do something else!”

Guess what? Some of your friends are thinking the same thing when they hear you talking about your life. It’s so easy for us to see the options available to others and so difficult to see the options available to us. It’s so easy to think that life has stuck us into a bad situation and so difficult to admit that most of the time, we got stuck all on our own.

[20:48]  My advice today is, first, to let your vision of a happy life stay as wide as possible. Tunnel vision may help you when you’re moving forward, but it works against you when you hit a wall. When you hit a wall, all you’re going to see is darkness ahead.

Don’t let your focus blind you to all of the options around you. If the road is blocked, drive in the shoulder. Turn around. Shift into reverse. Go off-road and blaze your own trail. Leave the car and walk away. Ask somebody else for a ride.

Remember—when you’re stuck and can’t see a way out, whether you’re toe-to-toe with a bad guy or toe-to-toe with a bad situation, take a step back and look around. There’s almost always another path you can take.

My second piece of advice is to stay cool while you wait. When you’re truly stuck, when you’ve exhausted every option, when everything has failed, when you’re at the mercy of circumstance, don’t waste your energy complaining about the past. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t feel sorry for yourself.

Prepare yourself to explode into action the moment circumstances change. When the pressure is lifted, move. When the pain subsides, attack. When the tides turn, row. Preparing for an uncertain future isn’t easy, of course, but you’ve got to trust yourself to figure out what to do when you finally get the chance.

Instead of being upset about the opportunities you missed, get ready to grab the opportunity that’s about to appear. Make your next move your best move.

Let me wrap this up. Learning how to wait is the most difficult strategy to master in the martial arts or in life, but make no mistake—how you manage your feelings and thoughts when you’re stuck will either lead you to becoming a winner or a loser.

So, make it your goal to keep moving forward in your mind even when everything else is stuck. Turn your inaction into action. A thief may steal your car, but don’t let him steal your cool.

Save your energy, widen your vision, and prepare for your moment to fight.

CLOSING: All right! There is episode 50. Onward and upward to 100.

If you liked this show and want to catch the next one, be sure to subscribe on iTunes or your favorite podcast platform, then head over to FightforaHappyLife.com and sign up for my free email updates.

Until next time, smiles up my friend. Let that smile be your shield and your sword. Keep fighting for a happy life!

The post #50: Catching a Thief [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #49 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Wining and Losing in the Martial Arts.”

In the martial arts, winning can mean life and losing can mean death… but some martial artists seem to forget that. Or maybe just want to!

In this episode, I share my thoughts on how to manage the emotions that come along with victory and defeat while training in the martial arts.

To LISTEN to, “Winning and Losing in the Martial Arts,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, share this link with a friend or leave a quick review over on iTunes. Thank you!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life, Winning and Losing.

Welcome to Episode #49 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better. I am your host, Ando, and you are my most honored guest. I’m always happy when you can find the time to be here. Thank you.

Today, I want to get right to it. I’d like to talk about winning and losing. When you train in the martial arts, you have the opportunity to experience victory and defeat on a regular basis. That’s why I love it so much.

When you’re fighting, you experience success and failure at the most primal level—you’re either protecting your life and surviving or you’re losing your life and dying.

Those two extremes make martial arts interesting and exciting. But not everybody is prepared to face those psychological and emotional extremes. As a result, here’s what happens—they either hold back in training, go overboard in training, quit training, or change their goals for training.

Does any of that sound familiar? Let me share a couple of thoughts and see if we can figure out how to manage the extremes of winning and losing.

[01:55]  Meet Charlotte. Charlotte is a powerful young woman who I’ve seen training in the martial arts for a few years. She’s smart, a natural athlete, and a hard worker, which makes her an ideal student.

But at some point, I noticed something curious about the way she trained. Over and over, she’d fight hard, get into position to choke somebody, but then let it go. Or she would drive in headfirst for a takedown, but give up her advantage as soon as she gained it.

In short, Charlotte would never finish her techniques. And you could tell she was letting go and giving up on purpose because she would always smile or giggle as if to say, “I didn’t really have that.” But she really did.

Eventually, I sat down with Charlotte and suggested that she was holding back and I asked her why. It took a little digging, but eventually she told me, “If I try to win and fail, then I’ll feel like a failure.”

Wow. Think about that. Charlotte would rather execute a technique 95% and let it go with the belief that she could probably finish it if she wanted to, then take a chance at actually finishing the technique 100% and failing.

Can you relate to that? I sure can. Don’t we all have areas of our lives where we push hard for a while, start to gain some momentum, but then pull back and slow down or stop? It’s so common, right? Here’s why.

It’s easier to hold back because you never have to risk failing. It’s easier to stop short because you never have to lose. Instead, you can just step back and say, “Well, I could win… I just don’t want to right now.”

Let me give you another example of how the fear of failure can affect your training. This strategy is my personal favorite for sabotaging success.

Before I signed up for martial arts, I thought of myself as a real winner. I had been the lead in the school play, president of the student council, MVP in Little League, top of the class academically… I was an all-around A+ guy, which led me to becoming incredibly cocky. I thought I knew it all and could do it all.

So, when I signed up for Tae Kwon Do, I expected the dojang to be just one more domain where I would dominate and excel. But that’s not what happened.

I got punched in the face. I got kicked in the stomach. I mixed up my forms. I couldn’t do a full split. Bottom line—I was losing… a lot!

[05:02]  Now, the failures themselves are not all that interesting, but my reactions to the failures are worth talking about. You see, when I got hit in the face or kicked in the stomach, rather than admit I was failing, I changed the definition of winning.

Instead of figuring out how to block or attack, I changed my goals to staying calm, seeing opportunities, going with the flow, being tough, and not taking a hit personally. All very high-minded pursuits to be sure, but all denying the basic fact that I was getting my butt kicked!

Of course, changing my definition of winning was not a conscious decision, it’s just what my ego felt it had to do to protect my self-image as a winner. My very fragile self-image. I only realized what my ego was doing when I looked back years later.

But seeing a problem doesn’t solve a problem! If I’m not careful, I still lie to myself!

Even today, if go to class and see a big, tough guy ready to work out, my ego will start making excuses and changing goals. I mean, after all…

I’m older than the big guy. And I’m tired. My knee hurts.

Besides, I don’t want to show off or discourage him. My goal isn’t to beat him—that would be immature.

My goal is to keep cool under pressure. Let’s see if I can control my breathing and manage my fear. Let’s see if I can detach from the outcome and be okay with losing.

After all it’s not really losing if I’m not trying to win, right? And hey—shouldn’t I just be proud of myself for showing up? That’s what I call winning.

Boy. Doesn’t that all sound great? My ego has designed a hundred different ways for me to drive home feeling like a winner. But it’s all lies.

When the big guy makes me tap out, he knows I lost. If my teacher sees me tap out, he would also say I lost. If any other human being sees that big guy on my back, squeezing my throat until my face turns purple, they would say, “Man—that skinny dude lost.”

So, does it make any sense that I should be driving home thinking I’m a winner just because I didn’t take it personally?

No! No, no, a thousand times no! This is the most dangerous lie in the martial arts. The idea that if you are spiritually balanced, if you have detached from the goal of winning or losing, that you are a winner… even when you’ve lost. Even when you’ve been beaten into the ground.

I talked about this in our show about relaxation. [Relax: The Worst Advice in Martial Arts] In that episode, I suggested that telling someone to relax is the worst piece of advice you can give because it leads to somebody thinking that they’re winning just because they’re successful at staying relaxed. Don’t kid yourself.

It’s better to win with tension than lose with relaxation.

Why? Because in the context of martial arts, winning means surviving. Do you think a real-life attacker will stop stabbing you because they recognize how cool you’re staying under pressure? No. They’ll just keep stabbing you. That’s why martial arts training should be focused on the practice of winning, not on being comfortable losing.

Now, let me be clear—I know that it sounds immature to view training as a win-lose situation. Obviously, we have to lose in order to learn and improve. We have to make mistakes. We have to fail. But here’s my point—

You are going to lose no matter what you do.

There’s always someone bigger and better than you who will happily serve you up a big plate of defeat. You’ll also always make your own mistakes and be faced with the limitations of your own capabilities. Losing happens naturally, you don’t have to seek it out. That’s why you’re better off focusing on winning.

[09:47]  Again, I’m not saying that you should be that competitive jerk who never lets his partner work on what they need to work on. I‘m not saying you should never put yourself in bad situations just to figure out how to get out of them. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to control your ego or develop good character. But I am warning you—

If you get so wrapped up in the spirituality of martial arts that you have no ego at all, that you take nothing personally, that you always go with the flow, that you don’t mind being killed, then you, my friend, are making a fatal error.

Nobody ever signed up for martial arts classes with the goal of learning how to be a better loser. Quite the opposite. Everybody signs up for martial arts to be a winner.

Didn’t you? In one way or another, didn’t you want to improve yourself, improve your life, and improve your chances at being a winner? It doesn’t matter if you signed up to take control of your body, to get into shape, to learn self-defense moves, to build discipline… you are practicing to be a winner, not a loser.

Admit it. Accept it. There’s no shame in wanting to win. You should want to win! You should want to grow! You should want to succeed!

But here’s what happens—you start training and immediately, you start losing. You are then faced with a choice. You can either get to work figuring out how to win, or give up trying to win.

Which brings us back to those early successes of my childhood that I told you about. Were those early successes the result of figuring out how to win or were those just activities where winning came easy?

If I’m being honest, and I usually am, there were many activities that I quit simply because I wasn’t able to win right away. Piano, for example. I gave up piano lessons because it didn’t come easily to me. Every time I sat down to practice, I felt like a loser.

The same was true for basketball, tennis, painting, dancing… I quit all kinds of things!

So, when I really think about it, the reason martial arts was such a life-changing experience for me is because it was the first time that I tasted failure and didn’t quit. But before you say, “Good for you!” remember that my first reaction to failure in the martial arts was to change my goals.

Instead of trying to win, I tried to stay calm, cool, and clever. I focused on throwing pretty kicks, looking sharp when I practiced forms, and earning rank. And on all of those measures, I was a winner. But I couldn’t fight. I looked good, but still got my butt kicked.

My ego refused to label a face kick as a failure. Instead, each bloody lip and black eye became a badge of honor. That might still sound noble… but it’s not. It’s denial in its most dangerous form. I was getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being killed.

A while back, we talked about what it takes to be a good sparring partner. [The Perfect Sparring Partner] That issue goes right along with what we’re talking about today.

Do you want to train with someone who is sincerely trying to beat you or not? If I’m training with someone who’s not trying to win, someone who not only doesn’t mind losing, but believes that losing is actually winning in some spiritual sense, then am I really winning?

No! Which is why if you ever train with me, I want you to win. No, wait. Correction—I don’t want you to win, I want you to TRY to win. Don’t hold back. Don’t think you have to be nice. Don’t think you’re doing me a favor or showing respect by losing on purpose.

If you truly respect your partner, you will try to win. That’s how you will become the best martial artist you can be and that’s how you’ll help your fellow students be the best they can be. Whether they like it or not!

[14:28]  Let’s get technical. What is a fight? A fight is the meeting of two people with opposing goals. I want to control you, you want to control me.

What you do once you gain control is a separate discussion. You may choose to hurt the other person or you may not. But the point of training is to give yourself that choice.

Can you say that winning a fight means doing whatever you have to do to not get hurt? Yes. That’s one option. Can you also say that winning a fight means both of us walk away without getting hurt and maybe even becoming friends? Sure. Why not. That’s also an option.

But there is a third option. That’s the one where I completely and utterly dominate you and gain the power to decide whether you live or die. That decision is the most extreme expression of winning we can experience as martial artists. Practice for anything less, and you may be a good martial artist, but you will never be a complete martial artist.

So, my advice is not to give up on the spiritual goals of the martial arts, it’s to accept that winning is also one of the spiritual goals of martial arts!

Martial artists love to talk about humility and being in service to others, but if your spiritual development stops there, then you are training to be a loser. Your spirituality as a martial artist should also include the belief that you’re allowed to win.

You should accept that your true nature wants you to win… needs you to win. You’re allowed to fight and survive. You’re allowed to get what you want. You should train yourself to never give up. To make things happen. To succeed.

How to lose with honor is only half of what a martial artist should be working on. The other half is how to win with honor. Otherwise, you’ll just be a black belt in losing. A black belt in designing failures. Not just for you, but for everyone who looks up to you.

Your friends, your family, your students, your peers—they will all be inspired to lose just like you.

Let’s forget about you for a minute—what about them? Don’t you want the people you love to win? Who will be their role model for success if not you? Don’t just show them how to accept defeat with dignity, show them how to win with integrity.

Don’t fool yourself—there is just as much spiritual value in achieving greatness as there is in accepting defeat. True defeat, I mean. There is zero spiritual value in defeat if you weren’t trying to win in the first place!

…are you in it to win it? In your business? Your friendships? In the martial arts? Do you want to be a master?

If so, then focus on winning. Go back to the goals you set for yourself on the first day you signed up for martial arts classes. Go back and relight the fire of your desire to be a winner in body, mind, and spirit.

The next time you train and someone hits you or chokes you, don’t just shake it off with a smile. Not unless you were trying to stop them with 100% of your powers.

Again, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not saying there is any shame in losing… there is only shame in losing your desire to win. There is only shame in denying your ego’s need to be a winner.

Even as I say that, I know some people will still feel uncomfortable ever admitting to want to win when they practice. Well, if that’s you, let me ask you this—why is it okay to be noble in defeat, but not in victory? Why do we see the good loser as an example of an enlightened spirit, but not the good winner? Shouldn’t they both be inspiring? Shouldn’t they be equals?

[19:04] Now, if I’ve expressed any of this in a clumsy manner, I apologize, but don’t let that make you miss the point—the main purpose of training in the martial arts is to help you succeed.

You should be learning how to win. You should be practicing how to win. You should be figuring out how to get exactly what you want, when you want it, and how you want it.

If you go into training thinking it doesn’t matter who wins, then you’re already losing. It does matter who wins. You should win. Because if this is a fight for your life, which is what every martial arts exercise represents, then you are either going to live or die.

If you just want to break a sweat or have some fun, hey—go to a dance club or shoot some hoops with your buddies. If you want to develop your spirituality, great—join a Bible study group or read philosophy.

Martial arts should be more than a good sweat or meditation. It should tap into your primal mandate of survival. If you are not building skills to stop the people who would try to control you, then you will lose. You might even die.

Yes, I believe half of your journey in the martial arts will help you learn how to be a good loser. You will have the opportunities to face defeat whether you want them or not.

The other half of your journey, however, the part that so many nice people push aside, is to learn how to be a good winner. Those opportunities won’t just come to you… they must be created.

Hopefully, you’re training in a school or style that allows you to find a balance between winning and losing. You don’t want to be the best guy or the worst guy. Not for long, anyway.

If you’re winning all the time, you may need to find a different school that offers more skilled training partners. If all of your drills are choreographed, like one-steps, leaving you no room for failure, then be aware that you’re likely building a false sense of victory.

You may be building good habits, but you’re not building ALL the habits you’re going to need to win in a freestyle situation or a real fight.

It’s also true that you may be advancing in rank, but not advancing as a human being. Or at least not as far you could be. Blah blah blah. Just remember this—

[21:47]  So, starting right now, don’t lie to yourself. Losing is losing.

Give yourself permission to start winning. Give yourself permission to start using your creativity and your courage to become more efficient and effective at dominating your training partners.

Don’t worry—winning doesn’t automatically make you a jerk… only acting like a jerk when you win makes you a jerk.

Give your ego permission to protect you from what might hurt you, but not from what might help you.

Give yourself permission to be the person you wanted to be when you first signed up for classes.

Give yourself permission to be a winner.

CLOSING: All right! There it is. Get out there and don’t hold back. Win or die trying.

If you liked this show and want to catch the next one, be sure to subscribe on iTunes or your favorite podcast platform, then head over to FightforaHappyLife.com and sign up for my free email updates.

Until next time, smiles up my friend. Let that smile be your shield and your sword. Keep fighting for a happy life!

The post #49: Winning and Losing in the Martial Arts [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #48 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Practice Time Tips for Martial Arts Mastery.”

How much time do you spend practicing martial arts? Is it enough to become a master?

In this episode, I share two pieces of advice to help anyone make the most of their practice time.

To LISTEN to, “Practice Time Tips for Martial Arts Mastery,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, share this link with a friend or leave a quick review over on iTunes. Thank you!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life—Practice Time Tips for Martial Arts Mastery.

Hello again! Welcome to Episode 48 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better. I’m Ando and I’ve got a quick headline…

As I record this, our little show just hit an all-time record for downloads. Yeah! There were more downloads the past month than any other month, going back four years. And that only happened because of you.

So, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for telling a friend or leaving a review on iTunes, or heck—even saying hello in an email… all of it. I thank you for all of it. Let’s keep it going.

Today, I want to talk about practice time. It’s no secret that the key to being great in the martial arts, or anything, you have to practice. I don’t care who you are or what you know, if you don’t put in your time on the mats, or in the park, or in your garage, you will never be great. Ever. There’s a good chance you won’t even be good.

Hate to say it, but without practice, we’re all just a flaming pile of trash.

But how much practice does it take to become great? Is there a formula to maximize your results? I think there is… and I’m going to share it with you right now.

[01:57]  Let me start by asking you a question—how much time do you spend every week practicing martial arts? When I think about all the students I’ve known over the years, I would say the most common answer would be no more than six hours. That would probably be three two-hour classes a week.

Of course, some people can only get to class twice a week, so that would be four hours of class time, but maybe they practice at home a little bit, too. Now, here’s another question—do you think someone can be great at martial arts practicing four to six hours a week?

That’s an uncomfortable question, isn’t it? Uncomfortable because we all know that six hours isn’t very much time. We know that Olympic athletes might be practicing six hours a day, every day, to achieve greatness.

So, how the heck can we even compare the practice time of a professional athlete, or a professional martial artist, to someone who practices martial arts as a hobby?

I’m not saying someone who practices martial arts as a hobby isn’t serious-minded and committed to being their best, but we all know that the more you put into something, the more you get out, and six hours a week will never get you what six hours a day will get.

Now, let me back up a step. We can’t really talk about the ideal practice schedule without first considering who you are and what you’re trying to accomplish. We have different goals in the martial arts. We also have different backgrounds and capabilities.

If you’re taking martial arts classes just for fun, hey, two classes a week might be ideal. If you’re athletically gifted and you’re able to learn complex movements quickly, then you may not require as many reps as someone less athletic.

So, the formula for practice time is actually a secret formula. Not because I won’t tell you, but because the only person who can figure it out is you.

Fair enough? Okay. Having said that, no matter who you are and what your capabilities may be, I still believe that even a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better. You know that. So, if you only practice four to six hours a week or even four to six hours a month, keep going.

You don’t have to be a full-time martial artist to be the best you can be. You may not be the best martial artist you can be, but you can still be the best person you can be. And that’s a journey you should still be proud to take.

If you’re curious about my practice schedule, I train every day. Well, almost. Always have. Birthdays, holidays, snow, rain, sick, tired… for over 30 years, I have always made time to practice something. Even if I’m stuck on a plane. I’ll look through my notebook, visualize moves in my head, practice breathing, and then go throw 20 elbows in the bathroom.

Hey, QUICK TIP for you! Do not yell “KIAI” when you train in an airplane bathroom. Unless you want to meet the air marshal.

Now, I’m not telling you that I practice every day so you’ll think I’m some amazing or super-disciplined student. The truth is I’m just a bit compulsive. That’s why I don’t drink, smoke, or play video games even… I’m deathly afraid if I start, I’ll never stop!

Seriously. Some days I wish I didn’t feel like practicing, so I could just sleep in or stare at the clouds. But that hasn’t happened yet.

The funny part—or sad part—is that for a guy who studies, takes classes, teaches, and practices all the time, I should be a lot better than I am! I’m nowhere near where I want to be. Which just goes to prove that—

It’s easy—so easy!—to waste time on drills that don’t develop practical skills. It’s easy to waste time on low priority goals while avoiding or being completely unaware of more important issues. But figuring out what to practice and how to practice, that’s a discussion for another day. Right now, let’s assume that you practice practical drills and high priority skills.

[06:42]  Here are two pieces of advice to make the most of your practice time.

…is something I say to my students all the time. “A little practice every day goes a long way.”

That means if I have the choice between practicing one hour a day/six days a week or two hours a day/three times a week, I would choose the former.

Yes, both practice plans add up to six hours a week, but in my experience, practicing one hour every day builds up more momentum. Consistent practice, as opposed to sporadic practice, taps into that timeless success strategy that you already know well—slow and steady wins the race.

When you were a kid, someone told you that if you put a nickel into a piggy bank every day, before you know it, you’d have 20 dollars. Put that same nickel into an account with compounding interest and you’d be a millionaire by the time you’re 50.

Obviously, I’m not a math guy, but you know what I mean. The same principle applies to martial arts. If you practice your skills every day, if you keep making small investments of time and effort, you’ll ultimately be rewarded with a large gain.

It may not look like it at first and I’ve talked about that before in Episode #6, The Invisible Path to Success. The idea was that you can’t really see or measure progress in the short-term. But after six months? After a year? You can definitely look back and say, “Wow! Look what I did!”

More often, other people notice your improvements before you do. Maybe you’re trying to get into shape and lose weight, but you get discouraged because you’re not seeing any changes on a day-to-day basis, but then you run into a friend who hasn’t seen you in a month and they say, “Wow! You look great. You’ve really lost some weight.”

So, my first piece of advice for anyone who wants to master a martial art is to practice every day. Whatever skills you believe to be important, make time to review them every day in some way. If you only have five minutes, hey—that’s better than no minutes.

The fact is, and I think I’ve said this before, the mind is smart, but the muscles are dumb. Which means every day you don’t remind your body how to do something the right way, or challenge your body to find a better way to do something, your skills start to erode. You lose ground. You drift backwards.

Sure, practicing every other day, or every two or three days, that will still lead to improvement. But when you follow a sporadic schedule, part of each training session is always spent reminding your body how to do what it should already know how to do. Instead of picking up where you left off and getting ahead, you waste time catching up.

Now, I’m not saying you have to sweat and push yourself to the limits every time you train. No. That’s stupid. Your mind needs time to process what you learn and your body needs time to recover. But that doesn’t mean you can’t practice at all!

Even if you just spend 15 minutes moving through your kata, maybe at 20% speed and power, or shadowbox at half-speed, or hit a bag lightly, that small investment will pay off. You will keep your momentum going.

Just be careful. The slow and steady approach demands that you set realistic expectations. You can’t expect your skills to make a leap every day. Your goal instead is to simply take one step forward.

Actually, that’s too much. A step is too high an expectation. If you can just shift your weight forward, that is a good day. If you keep shifting forward a little bit more and a little bit more, maybe in a month you’ll have taken a step. That’s how it works.

Most people are not patient enough to invest in that kind of training. They want to see their skill level make a leap or a jump every time they hit the mats. But that’s not the path to mastery.

The path to mastery requires patience. So, my advice—make daily deposits into your practice time piggy bank.

[11:36] …on the subject of practice time is to go deep. What does that mean? Going deep might mean attending an all-day seminar or a weekend retreat. Or maybe a full-week training camp. Maybe you travel to Okinawa to visit dojos for two weeks. Maybe you travel to Thailand to train at a Muay Thai school for a month.

For most students, a trip like that may be something you can only take once in a lifetime, but I assure you, it will be worth it. I’ve shared my feelings about this before, I think. Seminars and retreats are a special occasion. Your brain puts those experiences in a separate folder from your regular, routine classes. What you learn at a seminar gets a big gold star on it.

I have personally had experiences with weekend camps, week-long camps, and a large number of day seminars. Each one of them has usually lead to a leap forward in my skill level, as opposed to a step or slight shift forward.

That’s why my big goal in the near future is to organize live training events, either for a weekend or a full week. I want to set aside a time and place where good people can come together and immerse themselves in their martial arts training.

Something like those foreign language courses where you’re not allowed to speak your native language and you’re only allowed to speak a new language for an extended period of time. Or learning to swim by being thrown into the water.

There’s something magical about experiences like that. Of course, that’s not the only way to learn, but I think it’s the best way… and here’s why.

A long time ago, back in my Aikido days, I heard this saying: “If you cut with a sword 1,000 times, they can’t all be wrong.”

I love that. I find that idea oddly encouraging. The concept is if you pick up a sword and swing it 10 times, it’s possible that none of those strokes will be any good. In fact, if you have a bad habit, you’re probably just going to reinforce it.

But when you practice a large number of strokes, like a thousand, at some point, maybe around 200 or 300 cuts, your body will start to fatigue. That will force you to find another way to execute the same movement. That leads to becoming more efficient.

Hundreds and hundreds of cuts will also take that vision of how you think you should look when you swing a sword and smash it. When your shoulders and wrists are burning, you stop caring what you look like. You just focus on the function of the cut. That leads to becoming more effective.

So, first the body breaks down and then your mind and ego break down. By the time you reach 700 or 800 cuts, you’ll probably find yourself asking WHY you’re swinging that sword. Why are you putting yourself through this torture? What is your true motivation for training so hard? When you find that  answer, that leads to your practice becoming more meaningful.

At least for me, going deep with a high number of repetitions breaks down your body, mind, and spirit. By the end of an experience like performing a thousand cuts, or practicing several hours a day for several days in a row, your technique, your art, will never be the same… and neither will you. And isn’t that the goal of martial arts training?

By breaking down, rebuilding, and strengthening our techniques, we break down, rebuild, and strengthen ourselves—physically, mentally, and spiritually.

So, don’t wait for those opportunities to appear… create them.

[15:57]  Yes, I know—a commitment of time and money to take trip overseas, or take a week off from work, is not easy. Most people are not professional martial artists, or school owners, or personal trainers who can devote hours every day to go deep into their practice.

For most people, martial arts is a hobby. You have a job, a family, and let’s be honest—you enjoy doing other activities. And that’s fine. It really is. You can still achieve a high level of skill without participating in immersive, deep training sessions. Slow and steady can still win the race.

On the other hand, life is short and unpredictable. If you can take a leap forward today, then I say you should take it. Who knows if you’ll ever get the chance again? But if that’s truly impossible, if running off to the mountains and standing in a waterfall for a year is never going to happen, don’t worry. I have a plan for you, too.

First, no matter how busy you are, I bet you can find time to attend at least one seminar. Even if it’s just once a year, do it. I’ll make it even easier. The seminar doesn’t even have to be in your style!

Any multi-hour martial arts training experience will give you a lot to think about. I know I’ve had some of my greatest insights into martial arts working outside my own style.

Now, if the idea of meeting new people or trying new styles makes you uncomfortable, I get it. No problem. I have another plan for you.

Attend your regular classes more often. Let’s say you normally go to class twice a week. Okay. Choose one week in the next year when you double that and go to four classes. If you normally go three times, go six.

You don’t have to do this forever, but pick at least one week when you will show up more than you’ve ever shown up before. If there’s a morning class, go to the morning class. Then go to the evening class. Then show up for the morning class. Whatever your school or teacher offers, show up like it’s your job.

If you do this, I guarantee that you will change how you view your techniques forever. You will learn new lessons and they will stick with you. It’s not magic, it’s just how learning works.

Yes, your body’s going to be sore. Yes, you’ll have less time for other activities. Yes, you’ll have less time for your family, but you still must do this.

If you feel like you’re being selfish for spending so much time on yourself, STOP! You’re not being selfish.

You’ve committed to being a martial artist because you know that improving your skills also improves you, and improving you means you’ll have more to offer your family, and friends, and the world.

Now, hang on. What if you don’t belong to a full-time school or your class sessions are limited? I got you. The answer then is to simply make the time on your own.

What are you doing tomorrow? Can you wake up early, before you have to work, before you have to run errands, and just go to the park and spend three hours working on stances? Yes, you can. Just go to the park, or your backyard, or in the alley, and move through the stances and footwork patterns that you should know. Don’t even throw a punch or a kick. Don’t make it complicated.

I promise, if you just do that one time, you’ll not only gain new insights into your footwork, you’ll also discover new questions to ask your teacher the next time you’re together. You’ll have a brand new idea to look up on YouTube.

There is just no way that you’re going to leave a focused, three-hour training session without a deeper understanding of what you’re doing. It’s impossible. Your body will break down, you will change your vision of the perfect technique, and you will build a more meaningful connection to your practice. Guaranteed.

[20:30]  I challenge you, first, to practice every day in some small way. That’s what my seven-day martial arts challenge is all about. If you’re not aware of that, click over to SenseiAndo.com and you’ll find a video explaining what to do. But the big idea is simple: “A little practice every day, goes a long way.”

Second, I challenge you to make time to go deep. If you decide to go deep on your own, as opposed to attending a retreat or a seminar, you can choose one of two approaches.

One, you can name a specific skill that you want to improve and just focus on that. If you want to improve your sparring, then go to as many classes as you can for a week and spar like an animal. Take notes, ask questions, video tape yourself, find a partner to spar before class, find a partner to spar after class… just spar, spar, spar.

Two, if you can’t think of a specific skill to improve, just show up. Show up to the park or class and whatever you do first, stick with that. So, either way, choose a goal or let a goal choose you. Then work it.

One more piece of advice—going deep doesn’t have to be a one-time-a-year occasion. Why not go deep one week every three months? Maybe one week every month? Maybe one day every month, wake up early and give yourself three hours to explore one skill.

I leave the schedule up to you, but just remember the old saying, “If you cut with a sword 1,000 times, they can’t all be wrong.”

So, if the first time you throw 1,000 punches, or 1,000 kicks, or 1,000 takedowns on a heavy bag, and you only feel you did it right one time, perfect. Maybe the next time you practice 1,000 reps, you do it right two or three times. Then maybe 10 times. I promise, the more often you go deep, the quicker your percentage of successes will increase.

Logically speaking, it’s tempting then to predict that, one day, you’ll be able to cut with that sword 1,000 times and each cut will be perfect. But I’m not going to say that. To me, that’s unrealistic.

If every move you make is perfect, then there would be nothing more to learn. You would no longer be a student. So, if you ever feel like that, be careful—your confidence has spilled over into arrogance. Your awareness has been dulled by ego.

A master is not someone who does everything right all the time. A master is someone who does things right most of the time, but also knows when a mistake is made.

A master is someone who is not only able to identify that mistake, but knows exactly how to fix it. A master is someone who is honest enough to admit his or her flaws and humble enough to face them.

So, if you want to become a master, if you want to keep taking steps and leaps forward in your art, make a little time every day and a lot of time every once in a while to practice. That’s the secret to becoming your best as a martial artist and as a human being.

END SHOW.

Want more advice on mastering your practice time? Check out…

Podcast: Episode #22: How to Be a Master

The post #48: Practice Time Tips for Martial Arts Mastery [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #47 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Whining and Complaining.”

Okay, I admit it—I like to talk. But if you ever catch me whining and complaining, do me a favor and slap me in the face!

But before you do, give me one chance to whine and complain about people who whine and complain. Don’t worry—I have a plan to defeat them, too!

To LISTEN to, “Whining and Complaining,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, share this link with a friend or leave a quick review over on iTunes. Thank you!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life… whining and complaining.

Welcome to Episode #47 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better.

 Ando here and, as always, I’m happy you could drop by.

I want to start off today with a quick shout out to a couple of listeners who were kind enough to leave a review for the show over on iTunes. In case you didn’t know, adding reviews helps this podcast rank higher in the search engines, and that helps other people like you and me to find the show. So, a big thank you to my friends KidAlvis, TrueThrashGod, and Lucy McQueen. Bless your sweet hearts.

And if you enjoy this show, and you’d like to help other people find it, leaving a review over on iTunes, Stitcher, GooglePlay, or whatever platform you enjoy, it’s a big help. Thank you for that.

Now, if you don’t leave a review, do you think I’ll be angry? Do you think I’ll whine and complain about it? Nah. You know why? Well, that’s what I’m going to talk about right now.

[01:45] You’ve heard me say many times, 46 times if you’ve listened to every episode, that a smile is your shield and your sword. I also claimed way back in Episode #10 that a smile is your greatest self-defense weapon. But let’s face it—it’s not always easy to smile.

To me, smiling is a skill. It’s no different from a punch or a kick. It takes practice. But the funny thing is, unlike punching and kicking, some people out there will be uncomfortable when you smile. Upset. Angry even. I’ll give you an example…

I was walking through a supermarket the other day. I liked the song that was playing on the sound system, so I started whistling along. So, I’m shuffling down the aisles with a little pep in my step, and I noticed that my good mood got three different reactions.

The first group of shoppers gave me a little nod or a little smile. They saw that I was in a good mood and they were happy to share in it. And isn’t that the way life should be? Unfortunately, that was just a couple of people.

The second group was the big one. The silent majority. I split that group into two halves. The first half is made up of all the people who didn’t notice me because they were too busy living their own lives, and that’s fine by me. Do your thing, people.

But the second half is made up of all the people who heard me whistling, saw me smile, and then ignored me. They made a choice not to look up or engage in any way. I figure they were either happy I was happy, but didn’t feel comfortable sharing that with a stranger, or because they weren’t happy I was happy, but resisted the urge to hit me over the head with a jar of applesauce.

Of course, it’s also possible that they heard me and just didn’t care either way. I don’t know. Anyway, to the people who just didn’t care, or who resisted smashing my dome with a jar of applesauce, thank you for your patience and restraint. Carry on. But to the people who were uncomfortable to make eye contact, or smile back, or whistle their own happy tune, you make me sad.

When good, happy people feel uncomfortable connecting with other good, happy people, well, then the critics, cynics, and cranky pants of the world win.

Which brings us to the third group—the critics, cynics, and cranky pants. These are the people who, when they see someone happy, they roll their eyes, huff and puff, or make snarky comments. These people aren’t afraid to connect. They’ll look right at you. Not to share in your good mood, but to challenge it. They’ll look right at you with a sour face as if to say, “What are you so happy about, you idiot?”

Man. If you’re in that group, I have a message for you. $%# you!

That’s it. I have no respect—zero—for anyone who not only refuses to plant flowers, but thinks it’s okay to step on someone else’s flowers.

And do you know who I respect the least? Do you know who I think are the worst people on the planet? I mean, after terrorists and criminals, of course. Old people. Not all old people, of course. I’m talking about grumpy, rude, intolerant old people.

You’d think that the older you get, the kinder you’d become, right? You should be more patient and more understanding. But have you visited a nursing home or a retirement community lately? I can’t believe how many senior citizens are shuffling around on their walkers with a scowl on their face and a nasty comment on their tongues.

Losers. You heard me. They’re losers because even after 70, 80, 90 years of life, they still haven’t figured out how to make themselves happy or how to make the people around them happy. I just want to kick out their walkers and hide their teeth.

Look, if a kid is eight years old and you tell him he’s going to Disneyland for his birthday, and then at the last minute, you cancel the trip, I get it, I completely understand if that kid gets angry and throws a tantrum. I get it if the kid says he hates his mom and hates his dad and wants to kill himself. He’s eight years old! He doesn’t know how life works yet.

But when you’re 80 years old? Heck, even 70 or 60 and you’re still throwing tantrums? No, you know what? If you’re over 20 and you’re still blaming other people for your problems, or playing the victim, or thinking the world is out to get you, grow up.

I have no sympathy for bitter old people. You know who I feel sorry for? I feel sorry for their grandkids. Those poor kids have to spend time with a terrible role model for living a long, happy life. I feel even sorrier for the senior citizens who did figure out how to live a long, happy life, but got locked up with a bunch of losers.

So, if you’re over 20, this is what you should know—life is tough. But guess what? It’s tough on everybody. Everybody! We all feel heartbreak and disappointment. We all miss opportunities and fail to achieve dreams. We all get mocked and cheated.

So, if you think pain makes you special, you’re wrong. Doesn’t matter who your parents are, where you were born, or how much money you have. You, me, and everybody has good days, bad days, triumphs, and tragedies. We’re all on the same emotional journey.

So, if you can’t find a reason to smile, then you, my friend, are a failure… and I can prove it. I can prove it simply by looking at people who are suffering just as much as you, or maybe even more, and can still smile. If they can smile, so can I. So can you.

Now, I’m not saying we should all walk around laughing like a bunch of lunatics. I’m saying that if you’re committed to fight for a happy life, then you will find a reason to smile no matter what. You won’t let disappointment ruin your day and you won’t use pain as an excuse to ruin someone else’s day.

Again, I’m not saying that smiling is easy. It’s not. Smiling is hard work. Whining and complaining, on the other hand, scowling and sneering, those take no practice whatsoever. That’s why the only people who should be allowed to cry, scream, and throw tantrums are babies.

Babies don’t know any better. But you do. You know that losing your temper and lashing out at other people is not something to be proud about. Whining and complaining are lazy, ignorant, and childish behaviors.

If you want to be proud of yourself, try smiling when you’re in pain. Even better, try helping someone else smile through their pain.

[10:04] I know this all sounds obvious, and yet, you will find whiners and complainers everywhere. Another example…

A couple of years ago, my wife and I were at the airport. We were lined up, ready to board, and an announcement came over the speakers to let us know that our flight was going to be delayed 20 minutes because the President of the United States was about to land.

When I heard that, I perked up. I thought, “Cool! I can see Air Force One!” And I did. But do you think everybody was excited?

Nope! Even as the announcement was still being made, I mean, as soon as the word “delay” came over the speakers, you could hear people groaning and mumbling. Now, keep in mind, we’re talking about a 20-minute delay here. The announcement wasn’t, “Sorry, suckers. Your flight’s been canceled. And we’re keeping your bags. Go home.”

No. It was a 20-minute delay. But there we were, broken up into three groups.

One small group was excited. One big group went back to texting and chatting like they didn’t even hear the announcement. The third group, of course, whined and complained, and that’s who we all had to listen to for the next 20 minutes.

How crazy is that? Here were more than a hundred human beings all going through the exact same situation, but reacting in completely different ways. Now, again, I’m not saying we should all be the same, but shouldn’t we all be mature enough to recognize that some behaviors are healthy and constructive while others are unhealthy and destructive?

Feeling anger and frustration is natural. I admit that. I’m angry and frustrated on a daily basis, but I have worked hard to transform those negative feelings into positive thoughts and actions. Allowing yourself to not only stay angry and frustrated, but to then amplify those negative feelings by choosing to whine and complain is absolute insanity.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from martial arts is how to roll with a punch. How to let go of pain and frustration. In the martial arts, if I hold on to anger and frustration, I’ll get beat up. If you take a punch and don’t immediately move on to your next move, you’re doomed.

In a real fight, whining and complaining will literally get you killed. To survive, you need to figure out what you can gain from the pain. You need to stop boo-hooing and get back to doing.

So, if you’re complaining about your sparring partner being too rough… try moving and blocking better. Or stop sparring that guy. If you’re whining about how you’re not flexible enough for high kicks… try making more time to stretch. Or stop throwing high kicks. If you’re angry about everybody else being promoted to a higher rank except for you… try training harder. Or find a new school.

The heart of martial arts is self-reliance. Taking responsibility for yourself. For me, the first goal of a martial artist is to seek control over your body, your thoughts, and your feelings. The second goal is to seek control of somebody else. Specifically, a bad guy who’s trying to take control of you.

Which means, as a martial artist, if you’re walking through the world without a smile, or without the power to find a smile, well, you’re not much of a martial artist.

Straight up. Your training is deficient. Your training should be helping you to not only throw a punch, but to take a punch. You should be a master at moving from failure to opportunity. And as far as controlling someone else? Your training should not only be developing the power to raise your own spirit, but the power to raise the spirits of the people around you.

What’s the alternative, really? To wake up in the morning and immediately whine because you’re still alive? To start your day with a tight neck and an upset stomach? To walk outside hoping you won’t make a new friend or learn something new?

Come on. I mean, if you think like that, okay. I respect your right to make yourself miserable. But you don’t have the right to actively campaign to make other people miserable. I don’t respect that.

If you think it’s okay to roll your eyes at someone who’s happy, or sneer at someone who’s enjoying their day, or criticize someone who has overcome their pain, hey—do me a favor and just drop dead, okay?

Does that sound too harsh? Deal with it. This is self-defense. Emotional self-defense.

You want my wallet? Take it. You want my smile? You can’t have it.

Make no mistake, my friend—we are at war. The critics, cynics, and cranky pants are the enemy. We must not allow the scowling, snarling whiners and complainers to steal our smiles.

Happiness is not easy. You know that. Happiness is fragile. Which is why it helps to know you’re not alone in fighting for a happy life. So, if you can build a team, an army, of positive people, around you, do it. Yes, you can still be happy even if the whole world is cranky, but when you can find positive partners and friends, life sure gets a lot easier.

So, part of your emotional self-defense strategy should be to surround yourself with people who will strengthen your smile when you’re feeling pain. In turn, you’ll strengthen their smile when they feel the same way.

If the people around you today, your current partners and friends, are not on Team Happy, get rid of them. Is that too harsh? I don’t think so. If your friend stabbed you in the heart with a knife, would you keep them as a friend? So, why would you allow a friend to stab your heart with insults, insensitivity, or indifference? Why would you allow a friend to inject you with the poison of a bad attitude?

Again, this is self-defense. We’re all in the same boat, my friend… a lifeboat. And if someone in the boat doesn’t want to help you paddle for shore, dump them overboard. Or eat them.

Okay. So, I’ve admitted that grumpy people, particularly grumpy, old people, make me angry. But I’ve also told you that anger is a waste of time. So, what is the appropriate way to respond to the whiners and complainers of the world? What should you do when a dragon breathes fire in your face to burn up your good mood?

The answer is simple. Smile.

Your smile is a shield to protect you from the heat of their hate. Do not let tension in someone else create tension in you. Do not let someone else’s bad mood tear apart your good mood. Do not let a dragon transform you into a dragon.

That is self-defense on the most fundamental level. The fact is you may never need to defend your body from a punch or a kick, but you will need step up and defend your optimism, hope, and good mood every day of your life.

Your smile is not just shield, however, it’s also a sword. Surviving a dragon attack is one thing, slaying that dragon is another. So, go to battle and defeat the dragon by killing it with kindness. Stab them in the heart with your smile.

In any situation, especially disappointing situations, let people see that there is an alternative to whining and complaining. Maybe the grim and grumpy simply forgot how to be happy. Maybe they think being happy makes them foolish or weak. Maybe when life feels out of control, swearing and snarling makes them feel powerful again, like babies throwing tantrums.

That’s what this is all about—control. Remember what I said—as martial artists, we train to take control of ourselves and others. But many people—most people—have no such training. Therefore, they have little control over anything or anyone, including themselves. So, when they can’t get what they want or when they want it, they react with lazy and childish behaviors to feel in control again.

What they don’t understand is that smiling is also a way to take control. It’s also a choice! A more difficult choice. A choice that will not be available to you if you don’t practice. It’s just like a high kick to the head.

What complainers don’t understand is that when I smile, I’m fighting back. I’m not only defending myself, I’m marching forward.

I will not allow a red light, a delayed fight, or even a punch to the face, steal away my good mood. Life is simple… if you’re smiling, you’re winning. If you’re frowning, you’re losing.

So, my advice, don’t ignore angry people. No matter how angry or out of control someone behaves in a bad situation, stand up to them with a calm and friendly spirit. Smile. Make a joke. Point out the positives. That’s not just good for you, it’s good for the whole world.

When you stay positive, no one can ever claim that everybody was whining and complaining. Whether the cranky pants like it or not, they know there was an alternative, because they saw it. They saw you.

If you want the world to be a more positive place, then be a role model of positive behaviors. That brings to mind a thought written by Mahatma Gandhi, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.”

Exactly. That’s because, whether you like to admit it or not, we’re all still monkeys for the most part. Monkey see, monkey do. If one person gets angry, that gives someone else the idea to get angry. If one person stays silent, that makes it easier for someone else to stay silent. But if one person smiles, that makes it easier for someone else to smile.

I’m doing my part. I try to smile no matter what. Not just for my own health and sanity, but as an attempt to change the world. That sounds arrogant and crazy, I know, but again, what’s the alternative?

Should we let the sourpusses and sad sacks lead the way? Should we let the doomsayers spread their anger and hostility? No. We can’t let that happen. We can’t lose the war.

So, let your smile be your shield and your sword. If you want to walk down the street and see someone smile at you, smile at them. If you want someone to hold the door for you, hold the door for them. Monkey see, monkey do.

I know it’s not always easy to be the first one to do something, but that’s why I’m asking you to do it. You’re a martial artist. You’re a fighter.

If you see yourself as a warrior in any way, if you believe you’re tough, if you believe you’re strong, then just ask yourself—what are you fighting for? Are you fighting to make the world a nastier place by losing your temper and starting fights?

Are you fighting to be left alone so you can become part of the silent majority? Or are you committed to fighting for a happy life for you and the lives of the people around you?

You have a choice, my friend—be a warrior or a whiner. A winner or a loser. A leader or a monkey. You can wait for someone to show you how to live or just start living the life you want to live.

Get it straight—if you’re a whiner and complainer, it’s your own fault. You’ve been whining and complaining for so long that it’s become a habit—a bad habit. Break it.

I know that lashing out, calling names, criticizing, and complaining make you feel powerful. They sure feel more powerful than saying and doing nothing, right? But never forget that losing your temper is a lazy, childish, and ignorant reaction to a problem.

Anger won’t help you get out of a headlock. Insults won’t help you build a business. Making excuses won’t help you attract powerful people to your cause.

You always have another choice. Don’t forget that. A choice that is good for your digestion and immune systems. A choice that uses your creativity and resources to help you achieve goals and improve your life. A choice that’s not only good for you, but good for the people around you.

Smile. Laugh. Whistle.

I promise, when you make the most out of a bad situation, when you stand up to the dragons, you won’t be alone. You may not see them at first, but there is an army of positive people hiding within the silent majority.

They’re waiting for someone to show them that it’s okay to smile. They’re waiting for someone to slay the dragon. They’re waiting for someone to show them how to live a happy life.

They’re waiting for YOU. 🙂

The post #47: Whining and Complaining [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #46 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Think for Yourself.”

Are you a leader or a follower? Do you go with the flow or think for yourself?

Be warned—these are two very different ways to live your life. For me, only one will lead you to success in the martial arts and beyond. Let me tell you how I figured that out.

To LISTEN to, “Think for Yourself,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, sharing a link with a friend or leaving a quick review over at iTunes would be great. Thanks!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life… think for yourself.

Welcome to Episode #46 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better.

 Ando here and if you could see me, I’ve got a big, stupid smile on my face today. That’s because since the last time we were together, my YouTube channel hit two million views. [CLAPS]

Yup. Thank you. That is crazy. I mean, I never thought I’d have a million of anything, let alone TWO million. So, if you’ve helped me in this, if you’ve ever watched one of my videos over on YouTube or on SenseiAndo.com, thank you for proving to me that anything is possible.

And if you don’t care about the videos, you prefer the podcast maybe, well, thank you, too! The podcast was actually my first love. I started this podcast more than a year before shooting any videos. Before the podcast, when I started babbling about the philosophical side of the martial arts, most people would either fall asleep, walk away, or just tell me to shut up.

It really does take a special kind of person to put up with my babbling. Which means if you’re listening to me babble right now, you, my friend, are a special person. And I thank you for that. When this podcast hits two million downloads, I’ll let you know. But for now, let’s get to today’s topic.

Surprise! We already started. I just pointed out that you are a special kind of person. First, because you’re probably a martial artist. So, that puts you in a minority group right off the bat. Second, you’re listening to a podcast about the philosophical side of the martial arts. That puts you in a minority group within a minority group.

Which leads me to ask—what’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you like everybody else? I mean, you realize that most of your friends and your family think you’re a whacko, right?

You probably do know that, don’t you? But you do what you do anyway, which not only makes you special, it makes you cool. Cool because you think for yourself. And in my experience, thinking for yourself is the key to success not only in the realm of martial arts and self-defense, but in everything you do. So, let me babble about thinking for yourself a little more right now.

[03:11] Imagine this—you are confronted by someone aggressive. It could be at work. It could be on the street. Some jerk stares you down, calls you a name, and gets in your face. Maybe this jerk even gives you a push. Now you’re wondering, “Am I about to be in a fight or not?”

To me, this moment is the most difficult part of self-defense. Punching and kicking is easy compared to figuring out when you should start punching and kicking.

Does this guy intend to hurt me or is he just blowing off steam? Did I do something wrong or is he crazy? Should I apologize or push back? Should I run, throw a punch, or wait to see what happens?

Sure, sometimes, it’s easy to figure out. If somebody kicks in your bedroom door in the middle of the night, hey—you’re in a fight. If someone stands up next to you on an airplane with a box cutter, yelling, you’re in a fight. Now, whether you’re emotionally and physically prepared to take action in those moments is another question, but at least you know you should take action.

But what about this jerk who’s yelling in your face? Or those two punks who seem to be following you? Or that weirdo who keeps staring at you? If you run, are you overreacting? Will your friends laugh at you? If you throw the first punch, will you be justified? Will you be sued? Will your friends visit you in prison?

It may sound crazy, but even when I’ve been sucker punched, I mean, literally punched in the face, I wasn’t always sure if I was in a fight. Back then, when I had no martial arts training, getting punched in the face just confused me. Pain, fear, denial, shock… any of those reactions will freeze you from thinking clearly.

Later on, when I had some martial arts training, getting punched in the face wasn’t confusing—I knew I was in danger—but I was also way better at keeping my cool. I could take a punch and not freak out. I was mature enough to think, “Whoa— this person has lost control… but that doesn’t mean I have to lose control.”

I didn’t take the jerk’s aggression personally. Which meant I could take my time to consider my options. And doesn’t that make me sound wise? Well, don’t be fooled, because saying that I could take my time is just another way of saying that I was stuck up to my waist in the swamp of indecision.

So, whether you’ve trained yourself to take a punch or not, you can still end up wondering, “Is this a real fight or not? Should I run, fight back, or wait to see what happens?”

It would be so much easier if someone would just tell you what to do, wouldn’t it? “Run! Fight! Push back!” Of course, sometimes, people DO tell you what to do, but then you’ve got to figure out whether you should listen to them or not. And that’s not always easy.

The bottom line—no matter who you are, or who you have in your corner telling you what to do, or what experiences you’ve already lived through, in most cases, the biggest issue holding you back from making the decisions and taking the actions that will lead you to success is the courage to think for yourself.

Why is it so hard to think for yourself? Why does it sometimes feel like your own brain is holding you back from taking action, even when you’re under attack and in danger of losing everything?

There’s really no mystery here. We’ve talked about it before. We fear making a mistake. We fear failure. We fear looking foolish. We fear standing alone. You know all that.

But here’s the confounding part— you also know that letting someone else make decisions for you can be a mistake. You know that hesitating to make any decision can also lead to failure. You know that even if you listen to the wisest teacher and follow the smartest crowd, you can still end up looking foolish and standing alone.

So, what are we supposed to do? Lead or follow? Step up or step back? I have the answer. I’m not saying it’s the right answer for everybody, but it’s the answer for me. Let me tell you how I found it.

[08:08] When I was 20, I jumped out of a hot air balloon. Don’t worry—I was attached to a bungee cord. I was down in North Carolina for an Aikido summer camp and was catching a ride back to the airport with a fellow student. At some point, he cut through a country road lined with tobacco plants.

Up ahead, sticking above the giant leaves, a hand-painted sign called to us: Bungee Jump. $50. And sure enough, hovering above the green fields, we saw a hot air balloon. So, feeling invincible after surviving the Aikido camp, I asked my buddy, “You want to do it?” My buddy said, “Yeah, sure!”

Now, to be clear, this was not a professional amusement park or the type of establishment that would ever file for a business license. This was just a dude who somehow got his hands on a hot air balloon trying to make a little extra money. There was no safety net or crash pad or any evidence that a safety inspector knew what this guy was doing. But did that stop me? Heck no! Did I mention I was 20?

So, we drove up and found this dude and his girlfriend hanging out by a balloon. When my buddy saw how bare-bones the operation was, he bailed immediately. But did that stop me? Heck no! I hopped out of that car and I gave the dude 50 bucks.

He told me to step into a harness and then stand on a wooden ledge that was sticking out from the side of the basket. The outside of the basket. The ledge was only, I don’t know, five or six inches wide, which meant you had to turn around, set your heels on the ledge, and then reach back to hold on to the basket.

Can you picture that? Okay. So, he fires up the balloon and we lift off. At about 20 feet up, I sensed that the pressure on the harness was tighter on my left leg than my right leg. So, I said to the dude, “Hey, I think the harness is loose.”

Balloon Dude leans over, takes a look, and says, “Oh.” That’s it! Then he reaches over and tightens the buckle. Yikes! Talk about a confidence booster! But did that stop me? Heck no.

So, up, up, up we go. Soon enough, the balloon reached the end of its tether and we stopped. It was dead silent. It felt as if the entire world had stopped to watch me jump. Then the dude mumbled, “Anytime you want.”

And that was it. The moment had arrived. It was up to me and me alone to make the decision to jump off that ledge. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.

It would have been so much easier if the guy had just pushed me. Or if the wind had blown me off the ledge. But he didn’t push me and there was no wind. It was just me. Me, the dirt below, and my thoughts.

“Why am I doing this? What if the bungee cord breaks? Is there a hospital around here? Would everybody think I was a coward if I don’t jump? Would I think I was a coward if I don’t jump?”

Ultimately, I decided to jump. And because I was raised on cartoons, I decided to jump high up in the air and swan dive off the balloon in a long, graceful arc.

So, here we go. I bent my knees and jumped. But there was no swan dive. It turns out gravity doesn’t work that way. Here’s how gravity works—3… 2… 1… jump—AGHHHHHH!

The second your foot leaves that ledge, you’re dropping headfirst. But not for long. A moment later, I was dangling upside-down, seeing stars. The freefall itself was exhilarating. Hanging upside-down like an idiot while you wait for the balloon to descend, not so much.

So, was the jump worth $50? Yes. Absolutely. As it turned out, that jump was the most difficult and thrilling moment of my entire life.

[13:00] Okay. So, now let’s jump ahead 10 years or so. I was in Las Vegas with my family on vacation. My step-dad found a brochure advertising parachute jumps over the desert. He was excited by the idea, I think it was on his bucket list, but nobody wanted to join him… except for me. I wanted to feel that thrill again. The thrill of standing high up in the air and making that decision to jump. So, we drove out to the airstrip.

Unfortunately, it turns out they won’t just let you jump out of an airplane on your own. No. You have to do a tandem jump. That means you have a professional jumper strapped on your back. He gives the countdown… he makes the decision to jump… he pulls the cord… he steers you back to earth. You’re just along for the ride. Which ruins everything.

Believe it or not, jumping out of the airplane was not thrilling at all. The hot air balloon was only about four or five hundred feet off the ground… and I screamed. The plane was thousands and thousands of feet high, but my pulse never quickened. You know why? Because I didn’t jump. The parachute pro jumped. I just fell.

Once the freefall was over and we were just floating around over the desert, the pro said to me, “You can scream if you want to.” I said, “Nah. I’m good.” What a disappointment.

And just in case you think the Vegas jump was a fluke, maybe my belly was so full of buffet food that I was too tired to care, I actually tried another tandem jump just this past summer in Georgia. I thought maybe things would be different. Nope.

Now, don’t get me wrong— free falling and feeling that cold wind blasting you in the face is fun. It’s better than sitting on some air-conditioned tour bus, that’s for sure. But for me, the tandem jump was nothing compared to the bungee jump. Which taught me a valuable lesson—

But forget about adrenaline for a minute. Let’s talk strategy. Let’s talk about thinking for yourself on the mats. Like when you spar, for example.

When you square off with your opponent and you hear the word GO, you have a choice—attack or counter-attack. Take the initiative or go with the flow. Do what you want to do or react to what they want to do.

Of course, to be a master fighter, you should be competent at both skill sets, but I would like to acknowledge that they do not feel the same. I would say that acting is rooted in a completely separate part of your soul from reacting.

There is a huge difference between creating and managing. Scrapping and controlling. Taking what you get and getting what you take.

For me, the goal of an advanced student is to manage a bad situation and turn it to his or her advantage. The goal of a master, however, is to design situations and make them come true.

But you don’t have to wait 30 or 40 years to start fighting like a master. You can start designing situations right now. Or at least try. In my experience, it’s better to try to make your idea come true than go with the flow of someone else’s idea.

When I’m sparring or rolling against someone who’s better than I am, the worst thing I can do is wait to see what happens. If I wait to see what happens against someone who’s better than I am, then all I’m going to see is me getting beaten to death. That’s because you can’t counter-attack if you don’t recognize the attack. Or if you don’t have the skills to stop the attack.

[17:28] Everybody loves to talk about going with the flow, but listen to me, my friend—there is no advantage to going with the flow when the flow is leading you to your death. If you can’t ride the tides, you’re going to crash on the rocks.

Instead, you should focus on starting your own flow. You want the other guy reacting, defending, countering, and going with the flow. Your flow. Which means, when I face someone who’s better than I am, I think for myself and I attack. I may still lose, sure, but I was going to lose anyway. At least now I do it on my terms and I give myself a chance to win. If I follow the path that he’s laid out, I’m going to die for sure. I’ll give you a quick example.

A few weeks ago, I was rolling with a much stronger and more experienced grappler. I quickly ended up in a position where the right thing to do would be to curl up like a possum and wait. It was such a bad position, you could only defend yourself. The only other move I could have made was to sit up and turn my back, which is a huge no-no. So, that’s exactly what I did. I sat up and turned my back. Not out of fear, but on purpose.

My partner was shocked. He actually said, “Now, why in the world would you do that?” Think about that for a second. Up until that point, we hadn’t spoken a word. I didn’t even know the guy. But when I broke the rules, when I stepped off the path of predictability, when I thought for myself, he stopped.

And that is the first step to beating someone better than you. I disrupted his game plan by breaking an expected pattern of behavior and creating a new situation. The second step is to know how to take advantage of that new situation. In this case, I didn’t. I still lost. But it’s a start. At least I was smart enough to know that going with his flow meant losing his way. By thinking for myself, I started my own flow and changed the situation.

To be clear here, I’m not saying you should only think for yourself and ignore the advice and experiences of other people. Not at all. If you just run around doing whatever you want, whenever you want, well, that makes you a sociopath. Worse, you’re an ignorant sociopath.

If you refuse to listen to teachers and people who have gone before you, you will severely limit how much you can learn. I’m just saying you should never limit your learning to what you learn from others. That will also limit how much you learn.

Instead, always allow yourself the freedom to go beyond what you’ve been told and shown. When you choose to heed someone’s advice or follow someone else’s path, fine—just be aware that you’re following. Don’t be led blindly. Don’t be tricked into thinking someone else’s thoughts are your thoughts.

As much as you listen to others, make time to listen to yourself. Your feeling. Your instincts. No matter how much you respect someone else’s experience, no one’s journey is yours. You’re on your own. Think and act accordingly.

It’s a difficult balance in the martial arts, because we have to have faith in our teachers and in what we’re being shown. Without faith, why would you keep going to class? Why would you keep practicing?

Look—don’t waste time and energy reinventing the wheel or figuring out how to make a fist. So, listen to your teachers and practice what they tell you. Take advantage of the headstart they can give you.

But as time passes, ask yourself if what you’re practicing is worth it. Does it work? Does it work for you? Will it get you where you want to go?

Make no mistake, we are insecure creatures. So, when your personal experiences match up with someone else’s experiences, it’s a beautiful moment. It feels good. It builds confidence. It upholds a tradition. But we can’t let the rush of finding affirmation in others cause us to give up the thrill of finding affirmation within ourselves.

[22:29] Does this all make sense? I fear like I’m babbling, so let me sum this up.

The hot air balloon jump was the most thrilling moment of my life. Why? Because it was my idea. I did it by myself. The decision to jump was mine and mine alone. The tandem parachute jumps were a group activity. I followed along. The decision to jump was not mine. I was just along for the ride.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re living your life in one of these two ways. Are you jumping on your own or are you just along for the ride? Are you choosing your own battles or getting pushed into fighting someone else’s battles? Are you doing what you want or have you been persuaded to do what everybody else is doing?

Are you the artist or the fan? The general or the soldier? The leader or the follower? The original or the copy?

I warn you, these are two very different lives. In one life, you are pushed and pulled, floating through circumstances, hoping things will work out the way you want them to.

In the other life, you do the pushing and pulling. You shape circumstances to match your vision of how you want them to be. If you float at all, it’s because you choose to float. Otherwise, you take control and you make the decisions.

You accept the stress that comes with thinking for yourself, but you also enjoy the fulfillment that comes with it.

The more you embrace each moment of decision and make it your own, your life will transform from boring to thrilling. Ordinary to extraordinary. Forgettable to memorable.

So, I hereby challenge you to think for yourself. To take the initiative. To create. To jump.

Don’t wait for someone to push you. Don’t wait for the winds of fate to shake you. Don’t go with the flow. Don’t play someone else’s game.

No matter how you live your life, there is always a chance you will fail. There is always a chance you’ll end up lost and alone. But there’s only one way of living that will thrill you. That will make you proud. That will put a permanent smile in your heart. That will give you give you a chance at making your life exactly the way you want it.

Think for yourself.

The post #46: Think for Yourself [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #45 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Self-Doubt in the Martial Arts.”

Do you suck at martial arts? Do you ever feel like you’re wasting your time practicing all those fancy moves?

Be warned! When it comes to success in self-defense or any part of life, doubting yourself won’t just hold you back… it might get you killed!

So, let’s get real. Join me for a reality check that will help you see yourself a little more clearly.

To LISTEN to, “Self-Doubt in the Martial Arts,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, sharing a link with a friend or leaving a quick review over at iTunes would be great. Thanks!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life… self-doubt in the martial arts.

Hello again and welcome to Episode #45 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better.

 Ando here again and, man, am I glad to be back! For the first time in three years, I took a break from the podcast… and now I feel like a total loser.

You see, I didn’t plan on taking a break, but training, teaching, working, making videos… it all got the best of me. Well, the best of my voice anyway. I apologize for that. But I couldn’t wait any longer. Because even though I’ve enjoyed the last three months, I was never really, completely happy. I just kept thinking, “Hey, man! You gotta do a podcast!”

No joke—my stomach has been upset for weeks… then months. And actually, I think that’s a good thing. Good because all that stress proved to me that part of my fight for a happy life is making time to sit down and talk to you about fighting for a happy life. And if part of your fight for a happy life is making time to sit down to listen to me talk about fighting for a happy life, well, then let’s get to it!

Today, I want to talk about doubt. Doubting your skills is a common problem in the martial arts, yet I don’t hear much talk about it. What we usually talk about is the problem of confidence. Over-confidence.

We talk about the over-confidence that can result from light sparring instead of full contact sparring. Or practicing choreographed self-defense drills instead of live drills. Or training in only one style instead of cross-training in multiple styles. We all love to make fun of that self-proclaimed master who thinks he knows it all and can’t be defeated.

But what about the dangers of UNDER-confidence? Everybody says that the martial arts build confidence, but how many of us are still walking around with low self-esteem? Do you ever get the feeling that you’re wasting your time taking classes? Do you ever worry that your techniques won’t work in a real fight? Do you ever feel like a wanna-be warrior?

Well, you’re not alone. So, let me share a few thoughts that might help you gain a clearer picture of who you really are and what you can really do. I’ll be right back.

[03:00] Quick story. I was sparring with a student named Edward the other day. Now, Edward is a fearless young man. His strategy is to run straight in, crash into me, and just start punching. On the one hand, I love his spirit. On the other hand, I hate his strategy. But even though I kept suggesting that he set up his attacks, or attack on an angle, he wouldn’t listen. He just kept charging in straight at me.

So, finally, I grabbed him. I tied him up and started swinging him around. He didn’t like that. Edward wiggled and grunted to free his arms, but I just held on. Had to make my point. And then—BAM! He hit me in the face. How, you may ask. Well, Edward jumped up and headbutted me in the mouth.

I was shocked. I never saw it coming. I had completely underestimated Edward. I was guilty of being over-confident. And why wouldn’t I be? I mean, Edward has only been training for about a year and a half… I’ve been training for 30!

And it gets worse. Did you catch the part when I said that Edward jumped UP to hit me? Well, that’s because Edward is six years-old. That’s right. He’s just a kid. Not even a big kid. He’s a tiny six-year-old. And he gave me a fat lip.

Now, some people are surprised when they see me walking around with a black eye or a scratch across my face. They think that as a professional teacher, as a martial artist with a fancy website and, hey, a podcast, I should win all the time. I should be untouchable.

HA! Sorry, folks, but the truth is I get touched all the time. Not just touched… punched, kicked, choked, thrown, and yes, headbutted. And not just by other teachers, mind you, but by all kinds of people.

Which leads to an interesting question—if I’ve been training in the martial arts for 30 years and I’m still taking hits, am I a terrible martial artist? After spending thousands and thousands of hours, and thousands and thousands of dollars, training to be the best fighter I can be, does getting hit by a six-year-old kid make me a joke? A wanna-be warrior?

The dark side of my ego says yes. The bright side of my ego says no. Which side is right?

Before I answer that, let’s take a step back to remember how many of us got started in the martial arts in the first place. For me, and maybe for you, it all started because of what I saw in the movies and on TV. I saw amazing people like Bruce Lee, and Jackie Chan, and Steven Seagal, do amazing things, and I said, “I want to do that!”

Yes, you heard me—Steven Seagal. Get over it.

It doesn’t matter. Whoever it was who first inspired you, we all went out and found a teacher. And even though that teacher probably wasn’t a movie star, they were amazing in their own way. Maybe they were the founder of a style. Or the first generation student of the founder of a style. Or a world champion. Or the head of a special forces group in the military.

When I went out looking for a teacher in the late’80s, every ad in the phone book seemed to feature a world-class killer. It was shocking how many 9th degree world champions were running around out there… and maybe a little suspicious.

Anyway, if you were like me, you found a teacher and signed up. And because you were a beginner, your skill level jumped up several notches in no time. “Hey! I can punch! I can kick! I know a wrist lock!”

You felt amazing. Like a movie star. Your goal of dominating the bad guys and bullies of the world not only seemed possible, it seemed inevitable.

Ahh… the joy of being a white belt!

Until one day…

I can’t say exactly how long it took, but at some point, reality smacked you in the face. Your learning slowed down. Your skill level plateaued. And despite your enthusiasm and dedication, you realized that you were NOT amazing. You realized you were NOT a champion or a world-class killer… and probably never would be.

You caught yourself making the same mistakes over and over. You got hit and tapped by people who were newer than you. You accepted that there were techniques that you’d never be able to do. You understood that you’d never be the best in the world. Heck, you wouldn’t even be the best in your class.

Uhh… the depression of every rank after white belt!

[08:18] In those dark times, especially after a few years, it becomes harder and harder to measure your progress. You might even suspect that you’re not making progress. You might even think you’re getting worse!

Now, we talked about this pitfall within the learning process once before in Episode #6, The Invisible Path to Success. In that show, we talked about how improvement seems to disappear at some point. It becomes invisible. But that’s a delusion. And when you buy into that delusion, that’s when you open the door to self-doubt.

And this can happen to anyone. Believe me, after 30 years of training, my ego tells me I should be much better than I am all the time. It tells me that fighting should be easy by now. It tells me I should not only win, but I should win with a smile on my face and a milkshake in my hand. But that’s crazy talk.

A true fighter, a true martial artist, knows that those are unrealistic expectations. Look—setting high standards for yourself is one thing, but setting unachievable goals, that’s something else.

The quickest way to crush your spirit and bring progress to a dead stop is to set unrealistic goals for yourself.

So you still get hit. So you’re not the best. So you’re not perfect. So you’re not a movie star or a master. SO WHAT? I’ve got news for you—movie stars aren’t real. Masters aren’t perfect.

Let’s be clear about that—any teacher who wants you to believe that they’re perfect, or can’t be hit, or never loses, is not a teacher—they’re a cult leader. Go find a real teacher.

A real teacher is someone who is still learning and isn’t afraid to let you witness their own ups and downs. They’ll let you know that it’s okay for you to slip, miss, and lose because they still slip, miss, and lose. As a matter of fact, a great teacher will insist that you slip, miss, and lose, because they know that’s the only way you’ll ever learn how to win! So, consider this—

The vision of who you want to be. The vision of who you think you should be.

If you’re demanding a level of skill from yourself that’s not only impossible for you to achieve, but impossible for anybody to achieve, then you’re just hurting yourself. You’re beating yourself up. If you expect your training to yield a continuous, never-ending string of quick gains, and giant leaps in ability, you’re going to end up frustrated and bitter. And that doesn’t leads to building self-confidence… it leads to self-doubt.

That’s why, for me, when it comes to martial arts, and everything really, there’s only one question you should ever ask yourself—

Am I better today than I was yesterday?

Do I know a little more? Am I a little tougher? Did something get a little easier? The only mea surement that matters is comparing the you of today to the you of yesterday. That’s it.

For example, compare you at your current rank to you before you started training. Are you the same person? Of course not! I have no doubt that you are far more developed as a martial artist and as a person than when you first started. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget how far you’ve come. Any other comparison is a damaging, delusional waste of time.

I take that back. There is one other comparison that you should make. You should also compare yourself to people who have no training whatsoever.

No matter what style you do, if you’ve been training for six months to a year, then, yeah—you should have some skill to show for it. Your skill may be physical, psychological, emotional, or tactical, but you should have some advantage over your family and friends who don’t train. Which brings me to the topic of baseball…

[13:05] Now, I’m going to guess that you’re not a professional baseball player. I’m guessing you haven’t stood at the plate and seen a thousand pitches fly past your face at 90 miles an hour. I’m guessing you haven’t trained your eyes to recognize the difference between a curve and a slider.

Which means if, right now, I challenged you to grab a bat and go up against a professional baseball pitcher, how do you think you’d do? Could you hit that ball or not? Let’s say you took 100 pitches—how many could you hit?

Me? I’m going to say one or two. MAYBE one or two. And make no mistake, those would be lucky swings. It’s also possible I’d be so afraid of getting cracked in the head, I’d throw the bat down and dive into the dirt.

Okay, so now imagine being able to hit that ball 20 or 30 times out of 100. Wow! Doesn’t that sound like magic? But isn’t that exactly what the best hitters in the league do?

The professional baseball player takes a task that seems impossible to a beginner and makes it possible. But it’s not magic… it’s skill. It’s years of training. It’s years of experience.

And yet, even with all of that training and experience, do you see any pro hitting 100 pitches out of 100? No! If you’re hitting 30 out of 100, if you’re batting .300 in baseball, you’re an all-star. They’ll pay you millions of dollars for that 30% success rate.

More importantly, even though the pro doesn’t hit 100% of the time, he still hits a lot more than you. That’s important to remember because, in the same way, even if you’re not winning your fights 100% of the time, I’ll bet you’re winning a lot more than all of your buddies who don’t train would. Don’t forget that!

Speaking of percentages, years ago, I went to a Ryukyu Kempo seminar featuring the late, great Seiyu Oyata, founder of Ryu-Te. At one point, Master Oyata made the claim, through an interpreter, that his art works 80% of the time.

Now, I was a younger man, in my early 20’s, and my head was still filled with action movies, so when I heard him say 80%, I thought, “That’s it? You’re bragging about being 80% effective? Wait—I’m paying you to teach me how to lose 20% of the time? What a rip off!”

It took me years, many years, to appreciate, that what Oyata said only proved what a true master he was. He accepted reality. He admitted that he couldn’t control everything. He allowed himself a margin of error. He knew it was okay to miss, to slip, to lose. And if he could do that, so should you.

[16:25] So, don’t be fooled by the highlights reel. When you watch highlights, you only see what works. You only see success. You see the big homerun, the big slam dunk, the big knockout… but those are just brief moments of very long games. Instead, go watch a full Judo match, or BJJ match, or Taekwondo match. What do you see?

Miss… miss… almost… miss… almost… hit.

You know why? Because it’s a fight, not an assassination! In real life, people miss all the time.

Interestingly, in BJJ, you hear people talk all the time about “high-percentage techniques” and “low percentage techniques”. That means they already know that some moves have a higher chance of success than others.

But the headline here is that there is no such thing as a 100% technique. There is no technique that always works. Again, that’s because in a real fight, or even a combat sports duel, it’s not easy to get the submission, the knockout, or the throw. Not even for the world’s toughest fighters and highest paid professional athletes. The best of the best.

So, why the heck are you expecting better results than they get? Why do you expect all of your techniques to work? Why do you think you’re never going to get hit? Why do you feel like a loser when you fail? Get real!

The odds are you’re not even training to become a world champion or a world-class killer. If you’re listening to this show, there’s a good chance you’re just a nice person who wants to make your life better and martial arts is a fun way to do that. You want to stay in shape, give yourself an edge in bad situations, sharpen your wits, and toughen up a bit.

Well, guess what? Even if you’re just practicing once a week, you’re probably succeeding at all of those goals. That’s why I say even a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better. So, give yourself some credit for a change and feel good about what you’re doing.

The fact is if you’re training, then you’re getting better. Period.

Yes, you’ll still get hit, but you’ll get hit less. You’ll still make mistakes, but your mistakes will be smaller and easier to recover from. You’ll still grunt and sweat your way to victory, but you’ll use less energy and become more efficient. You’ll still get scared and intimidated, but you’ll be able to breathe sooner and take action faster.

And that starts by being realistic with your goals and patient with your progress.

Look—fighting is hard enough without you telling yourself that you’re no good. You wouldn’t yell at a flower to bloom faster, would you? “Let’s go, flower! We’re waiting!” You wouldn’t scream at a baby while it’s learning to walk, would you? “What’s your problem, baby? Stop being so lazy and walk!”

So, don’t talk to yourself like that, either. Train yourself to see what you’re doing right, even when you’re outmatched and overwhelmed. Especially when we’re outmatched and overwhelmed!

Don’t give into self-doubt and insecurity when you’re not dominating the dojo like an action hero. Just be you. Just focus on doing what you can today. Tomorrow is another story. My point—

If you allow yourself to feel like a loser, you will lose. Guaranteed.

[20:27] Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hard on yourself. I’m extremely hard on myself. But I also forgive my mistakes. I learn from my injuries. I laugh at my slip-ups and misses. I accept the learning process.

It’s a paradox, really—a great martial artist must be both a modest, humble student and a fearless, fiercely confident warrior.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t always accept the learning process. I have quit many, many things. I played little league baseball… and quit. I took piano lessons… and quit. Played tennis in high school… and quit. Painted… and quit. Cooked… and quit. I could go on all day, but you get the idea.

In each of those activities, I actually started out very well. My natural abilities gave me a head start and my skill level jumped up pretty fast. But at some point, I hit a wall. I wasn’t getting better. Or so I thought.

Each time, I knew if I really wanted to be successful, I would have to invest time, more effort, and probably more money. To make even the smallest improvement, I would have to suck it up and join the grind.

But I didn’t love baseball that much. Or piano. Or tennis. Or painting. Or cooking. And once those easy wins stopped, I stopped. Which is okay. Part of growing up is figuring out what you want to do. Where you want to spend your resources. Where you’re willing to suffer.

For me, I chose writing and martial arts. And I’ll be doing both of those for the rest of my life. The proof is that even when I feel like a loser, even when I think I suck, even when my progress seems invisible, I keep going. I love the grind.

So, don’t let movies and TV, masters and superstars, strip away your confidence. Don’t let what inspired you to start martial arts also inspire you to quit martial arts.

Of course, you should still set high standards and big goals for yourself… just don’t let them crush your spirit when reality adjusts them for you. When you find out you’re not invincible… when your technique doesn’t work… when you lose… hey—it’s okay. That’s part of the process. Enjoy it. Be proud of yourself for even being part of it. Because here’s the danger…

Whether you’re a beginner or a black belt, if you don’t accept failure along with your success, you’ll end up drawing some crazy conclusions…

You might conclude that since you’re not talented or tough enough to be a world champion or a movie star, that there’s no point in training. So, you quit. Or maybe you conclude that your style is not good enough, or your teacher is not good enough, so you leave and find a new school. But hang on a second…

The problem there is not your style or your teacher, the problem is the pressure you’ve been putting on yourself to be perfect. The problem is training to be a movie star instead of a martial artist.

Now, sure, it’s possible that finding a new teacher or a new style will improve your success rate, but guess what? You still won’t be perfect.

So, if you’re upset with your current progress, if you’ve been struggling with self-doubt, before you burn your bridges, before you throw out all of your hard work, ask yourself if your feelings of failure are rooted in your style or in the expectations you have set for yourself within your style.

In my opinion, it doesn’t matter what style you do. It doesn’t matter who your teacher is. If you’re training with unrealistic expectations, you’ll always feel like a failure. The fact is, even on your best day, your best move won’t always work. That has nothing to do with how hard you work, or how much passion you have, or how pure your lineage is, or how long you’ve been training… failing is just a natural part of life.

Does that mean training in the martial arts is a waste of time? Not at all. It just means that when you get hit, or when you miss, you shouldn’t waste a moment thinking you’re no good or that you can’t win. You’ve got to train yourself to see the hit and the miss as normal and keep fighting.

[25:29] So, my message today—get real. As you drive to your next class or prepare for your next training session, think back to when you got started. Think about who you wanted to become. Think about how you’ve changed since tying on a white belt. Think about all of the experiences that have made you tougher and wiser. Think about who you are today.

If you can take an honest look at yourself, I think you’ll realize that you don’t suck. You’ll figure out that you’re better than you thought.

You’ll finally accept that you’re not a movie star… and that’s a good thing! Because movie stars aren’t real… you are!

Remember— if you’re still getting hit, even by a six-year-old, good! You should be. Still losing? Well done. Keep it up.

Once you get your head out of the movies and comic books, once you set realistic expectations, once you get back to the grind of making small, almost invisible improvements, self-doubt will naturally give way to self-confidence.

You’ll start to appreciate all of the things you’re doing right. How skilled you are. How your hard work is paying off. As a bonus, you’ll start to see those same skills in others. Instead of always noticing what your partners are doing wrong, you’ll see what they’re doing right.

So, if you’re thinking about quitting something you love, don’t. Instead, get back to work. Before you work out, ask yourself, “What can I improve today?” After you work out, ask yourself, “What did I improve today?”

When you have answers for both of those questions, you, my friend, will become a true student. You’ll have discovered the secret to eliminating self-doubt, becoming your best, and living a happy life.

The post #45: Self-Doubt in the Martial Arts [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #44 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Black Belt Diet Tips.”

Food can be our best friend… or our worst enemy! It took me years to figure out how to maintain a diet that would help me, not hurt me.

So, if you’re interested in my journey to become a master eater, here are three diet tips to help you earn your black belt at the dining room dojo!

To LISTEN to, “Black Belt Diet Tips,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

Oh—I shot a quick video that sums up these ideas, too. Whatever works for you! 🙂

If you’d like to support the show, sharing a link with a friend or leaving a quick review over at iTunes would be great. Thanks!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

Today on Fight for a Happy Life, how to become a master eater.

Hey! How’s it going? This is Episode #44 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better.

 My name is Ando and in case you didn’t know, I love martial arts. But you know what I love almost as much? Food.

Martial arts and food–these are my two great loves. Oops—and my wife. Oh, boy… maybe I should start over. Nope. Here we go. Don’t overthink it.

The point is I love to eat. I’m also pretty good at it. Now, that might sound like a stupid thing to brag about. I mean, is eating really a skill? Yeah, I think it is! Because the fact is that millions of people struggle every day with what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. Food brings them joy, but it also brings them discomfort and disease.

That’s no way to live! No. Not if you’re a student of self-defense. A student of self-defense, to me, in the broadest sense of the term, should follow a diet that keeps them strong and healthy. But that’s not always easy to figure out.

It actually took me years and years to figure out how to eat in a way that helps me and doesn’t hurt me. But at this point in my life, well, I’d say I’ve earned my black belt in the dining room dojo. And today, I want to share a few tips with you.

Yes, even though I know talking about diet is almost as controversial as talking about religion, I’m going to do it anyway. That’s because no matter what your dietary beliefs may be, I think we can all agree that food should strengthen and protect us from harm and not make us weaker and sicker.

So, if you agree with that, tuck in your napkin and let’s dig into what it takes to become a master eater.

[02:26] I am not a nutritionist. Let me be very clear about that. But I’ve been eating for 46 years now, so I feel qualified to at least talk about my experiences with food. Now, over those 46 years, for the last 30 for sure, I’ve been a student of peak performance. I have constantly tweaked and experimented with what, when, and how I eat in order to improve my abilities to think clearly, move freely, recover from injuries, and just generally live an energetic, healthy lifestyle.

And I’m not kidding. I’ve tried a million different diets. High carb, low-carb. High fat, low fat. High protein, moderate protein. I’ve taken vitamins and supplements. I’ve tried to gain weight, I’ve tried to lose weight. I’ve given up red meat. I’ve given up dairy products. I dabbled in being a vegetarian. I replaced solid meals with juices and shakes.

Small meals, big meals. Early meals, late meals. I’ve even tried waking up in the middle of the night—I know that sounds crazy—to swallow down an extra meal. Now, in case you’re wondering, no, I’ve never tried steroids. I’m not into drugs, pills, or needles. I’m just a normal guy experimenting with natural foods.

Okay. So, after all those years of experimenting, the results are in. I figured out, finally, how to achieve my peak performance. But heads up—my advice is going to disappoint a large number of people. I know that already.

That’s because a large number of people put their faith into shortcuts and hacks. They want “10 easy steps” to get the body of their dreams. But it doesn’t work like that.

Yes, we all love a good list, so I am going to give you three simple diet tips to become a master eater, but they’re not shortcuts. They’re merely guidelines for people who are willing to look inward for wisdom instead of outward. People capable of trusting their own judgment and making their own decisions. You know, someone like you.

So, here we go… three tips to earn your black belt in the dining room dojo.

[04:51] When I was a kid, I actually took pride in how much I could eat. My brother, JD, who you heard interviewed in Episode #26, was bigger than I was, but when Thanksgiving dinner came, I would always out-eat him.

I also remember one time going to dinner with my brother and his buddy. We found this Italian place and they had a platter of food that was really supposed to be shared by a family—something like two pounds of pasta, meatballs, sausage, salad, bread, the works. Well, we each ordered one platter. One each. They couldn’t finish it… but I did.

Even in my late 20’s—this is kind of embarrassing—I would still challenge my friends to eating contests. Now, I don’t know why I associated eating gross amounts of food with manhood, but for some reason I did. And there was a big downside. As you probably know, when you gorge yourself, you crash. I would eat and then want to die. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. I definitely learned a lesson..

When you stuff yourself, you stop yourself.

So, if you’re looking for the secrets to peak performance, start by limiting how much you eat. It doesn’t matter if you’re a vegan or a carnivore, if you’re into paleo or pasta, always leave a little room in your belly. Don’t stuff yourself.

[I forgot to mention in the podcast that you should also never STARVE YOURSELF! If you allow your hunger to get out of control, then you’ll be out of control at your next meal. When you’re “starving”, you end up eating anything you can get your hands on… and way too much of it.

That’s why I travel with snacks and drinks at all times. Just remember—

You should control your hunger, your hunger shouldn’t control you!

Now back to the show!]

Now, one of the most effective tricks to help you avoid popping your pants is to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. According to my research, it takes the brain time to register that the stomach is full. There’s a time lag there.

So, by slowing down, you give your brain time to catch up with your body. So, as you’re eating, put your fork down… sip some water… take a breath. Grow up—it’s not a competition and it’s not a race.

Here’s a mathematical way to think about it…

Let’s say I just bought a pie—a warm strawberry-rhubarb pie. I break the crust with my fork and I take that first bite. Now I go back for a second bite.

Tell me—what’s the difference between the first bite and the second bite? Or the third bite? Nothing. It’s the same pie—same flavor, same texture, same pleasure. It’s not like the pie just keeps getting better and better with every bite, right?

So, what’s the difference really between eating 10 bites of pie or 20? The only difference is duration—the amount of time I’m going to spend eating pie.

So, let’s say it takes me 10 minutes to eat 20 bites of pie. That means it takes five minutes to eat 10 bites of pie. All right. Well, if I slow down and I savor the pie in my mouth just a little bit longer, then I can take 10 minutes to eat 10 bites of pie. The experience will be exactly the same. I’ll be eating pie for 10 minutes. Same amount of pleasure, BUT half the amount of pie.

So, if you’re looking for a way to cut calories or not eat more than you should, you’re not going to find an easier or more effective diet tip than simply slowing down.

If you think about it, it’s really kind of strange how we take pleasure in swallowing food as opposed to simply tasting it, don’t you think? I mean, you can’t taste food in your stomach. The pleasure is all in the mouth. So, what’s the hurry? Take your time and really be aware of what you’re eating.

Ideally, meal time should be meditation time.

That’s why another good trick is to cut out distractions when you eat. Watching TV, or scrolling through Facebook, or even reading can make you forget that you’re eating. You just keep shoveling food down your throat like a machine.

So, treat your food with a little more respect. Find a quiet spot and give it your full attention.

[09:02] This is where things get a little tricky because when it comes to listening to advice, it’s human nature to favor the opinion of experts, and teachers, and best-selling authors, and even celebrities over our own intuition. But listen—nobody is you. Nobody else lives in your body.

So, no matter how trusted the source, every piece of advice you hear must agree with your mind and your body.

Yeah, we all share similarities and, for sure, there are patterns in behavior and biology that make it valuable to listen to each other’s experiences, but ultimately, your journey is your own.

So, whether you’re choosing a martial art, a car, a career, you have to figure out what makes you happier, what makes you healthier and what doesn’t. You have to learn to trust your own intuition and your own judgment. You must become your own “sensei”.

This is why I’m not a big fan of diet plans. Or workout plans. Or any plans for that matter. Sure, designing specific meals and counting calories, that’s all great when you’re experimenting with your diet, but no plan could possibly fit your life forever. It’s like this…

Imagine you bump into an old friend at a coffee shop. You sit down, you start talking. Now, during that conversation, are you reading a script? Of course not. You trust yourself to choose words as you go.

Same with martial arts. If I’m going to spar tomorrow, I don’t waste time today planning exactly what I’m going to do. Why not? Because I know that I can’t predict or control everything that’s going to happen. I can’t even predict how I’m going to feel. Or if I have a pulled muscle. Or if my stomach is upset. Instead, I trust myself to make decisions in the moment.

That’s true preparation—learning to trust yourself.

And it’s the same with food. When I feel hungry, if I listen to my body, it will tell me exactly what I should be eating. Some days I crave a strawberry. I don’t know why, but the idea of a strawberry is just locked into my head. Other days I might want a glass of milk. Or a piece of steak.

Now I don’t want to get into a whole thing about the right or wrong of any of those food choices, the point is that your body will tell you what it needs if you’re willing to listen to it.

As martial artists, we’re already working on that connection between our mind and our body, right? We should be aware of our breathing, our posture, our emotions… so, being aware of our nutritional needs? Well, that should just follow along naturally with the rest of our training.

The deeper the connection you make between your brain and your body, the better you’re going to be at making decisions about what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. Some days I eat more, some days I eat less. Some days I eat early, some days I eat late. Some days I eat a lot of protein, some days I don’t.

So, the point is, as you walk through a supermarket or scan a menu, take a second and ask your body what it wants. Take a second look at your food, smell your food, and maybe even talk to your food. Give your body a chance to react, to talk back.

Your body is wise. Your mind just has to be wise enough to listen to it.

Here’s something interesting. When I was a kid, I was confused by carrot cake. Cream cheese frosting, cinnamon, walnuts… all that made sense. But carrots?

Who’s the maniac who decided that it was good idea to put pieces of shredded carrot into a cake? And if that was such a great idea, then why isn’t there celery cake? Or cucumber cake? Carrot cake made no sense to me. But a funny thing happened…

Years later, after I had started cleaning up my diet, after I cut back on chocolate and candy and junk food, I went to the refrigerator—I was probably 20 at the time, which is actually kind of embarrassing to admit, that it took so long—anyway, I went to the refrigerator and the only food I could find, down in the bottom drawer, was a bag of carrots.

Blech. It’s not that I hated carrots, but you know, when you’re hungry and you open up the fridge, that’s usually not what you’re looking for. Whatever. I grabbed a carrot… I peeled it… I bit into it…

Whoa! I stopped. Literally, I just stopped moving. I just stood there. It was like this was the first carrot I had ever eaten. And it was sweet! Never in my life had I associated the word “sweet” with a carrot, but there I was eating a carrot like it was a candy bar.

Suddenly, it all made sense. I understood why someone put carrots in a cake. The way I see it, before processed food, junk food, and ice cream became part of our mainstream diets, a carrot was relatively sweet compared to other natural foods. To a pre-Industrial Age palette, that carrot was like a dessert! But once we started adding more and more salt, and sugar, and fat, and whatever the hell Sour Patch Kids and Warheads are made of, our tongues got burned out.

Heads up, my friend, your palette is under constant attack. Food makers are trying to get your attention by boosting flavors to ridiculous, unnatural levels. And as a result, your tongue stops working. It stops giving you accurate information. You don’t really know what sweet or salty or sour taste like anymore.

Here’s how you know for sure that your tongue isn’t working—if you’re bored by a fruit cup. Or what about if you feel the need to jazz up every salad with bacon, and cheese, and friend wontons? Or how about vanilla ice cream?

Look, ice cream is already over the top with fat and sugar, yet people still feel the need to add fudge, and peanut butter, whipped cream, and—oh, my favorite—candy bars. I mean, come on!

How insane is breaking up a candy bar and putting it on top of ice cream? Listen to me—a healthy body is never ever going to ask you to put a candy bar on top of ice cream. No way!

If your tongue is working correctly, one scoop of plain vanilla ice cream will amaze you. One scoop of plain vanilla ice cream will be more than enough to satisfy your sweet tooth.

Believe it or not, your body wants you to perform at your best. It wants you to be healthy. It will tell you exactly what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. But when you give it junk food, you screw up the system.

So, help your tongue help you. Give your palette a chance to re-calibrate and redefine what it means to be sweet, salty, and sour. When you do that, foods you used to love will suddenly repulse you. Foods that used to bore you will suddenly thrill you. I’m not kidding—thrill you!

That’s how you know you’ve won the battle–when you put a carrot or a strawberry in your mouth and it completely commands your attention. That’s a beautiful moment. Once that happens, I don’t think you’ll ever go back.

You’re going to take a sip of soda and spit it out because it’s just too sweet. You’ll open up a can of soup and spit it out because it’s just too salty. Someone will offer you a bag of chips and you’ll say, “No, thanks.” Not because you’re so disciplined, but simply because the thought of all that fat and salt in your body really does make you feel a little sick.

Black Belt Diet Tip #3: Fuel first, fun second.

[17:42] Look, as much as we talk about exercise and conditioning in the martial arts, the fact is that food is the foundation of your health. Your strength, your speed, your flexibility, your memory, your reaction time… it’s all tied to the support you give yourself nutritionally.

Let’s say you train three times a week in a martial arts class or at the gym. Okay, now let’s say you eat three meals a day. Add that up. In one week, you’ve worked your body three times and sat down to eat 21 times.

So, which one of those two factors—3 workouts or 21 meals—do you think is going to have a greater affect on your health and your performance? I mean, even if you work out seven days a week, you’re still eating three times as many meals, and that’s not including snacks or protein shakes.

Imagine if you flipped that. What if you worked out 21 times a week and you only ate three times? How important would those feeding sessions suddenly become? What would you eat?

My point is that I’ve come to approach each meal as if it’s as important as a workout. Each meal is a chance to connect and communicate with my body. My body tells me what it wants from me and I tell my body what I want from it. Ask yourself, what messages are you delivering to your body when you eat? What messages are you telling your body three or more times a day, every day, for as long as you live?

Are you telling your body that you want to be healthy or sick? Strong or weak? Firm or flabby? Flexible or stiff? Clear-headed or clouded? My advice is to treat each meal as a chance to get ahead on the next challenge in your life, not a reward for how you performed on the last challenge.

Food is fuel for the future, not a treat for your past.

Once you view food as fuel, or even medicine, then it’s simply a matter of experimentation to figure out what you need to perform at your best. Now, there are so many variables when it comes to diet, I don’t want you to lock yourself into just a couple of options.

Try big meals and small meals. Late meals, early meals. Big breakfast, little breakfast. More meat, less meat. More fruit, less fruit. More snacks, no snacks. More fat, less fat.

Your body is a laboratory—a beautiful laboratory–pure and simple.

Pay attention to how you perform after eating certain amounts of certain foods at certain times. Your body doesn’t keep secrets. You will know very quickly whether your energy, attention, and strength are getting better or worse.

But be careful! The minute you think you’ve got it all figured out and you start designing a diet plan that’s going to last the rest of your life, you’re doomed to fail.

Think about it–if you are constantly evolving and changing as a human being, well, then your nutritional needs are also constantly evolving and changing. What works for you today will probably not work two years from now. Or even tomorrow. So, keep experimenting. Don’t lock yourself into anything.

Now, I know when I talk about food as fuel, you might be thinking, “Hey, man—life is short. Lighten up. It’s okay to eat food just for the joy of it. I don’t always want to be stressed out about perfect health or peak performance.”

Yeah, I get it. If you know me at all, you know I love pie, so there’s your answer to that. Sure, you can make a little room for fun in your diet. The trick, though, is balance.

For example, I would never order a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake. For me, that’s too much fun, not enough fuel. If I order a cheeseburger, then I’ll skip the milkshake and have an iced tea. If I have a milkshake, then I’ll have a salad. If I had a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch, then maybe I’ll have fun and eat chicken and waffles for dinner.

The bottom line is, at this point in my life, I would never insult my body by giving it a load of crap to break down and process. That’s an insult. I’m not going to give it crap that doesn’t even give it the nutrients it needs to keep me punching, kicking, and thinking my best.

That would be like your boss dropping off a stack of somebody else’s paperwork on your desk late on a Friday and telling to have it all done by Monday. That’s just not fair.

So, be a good boss—keep the workload fair and manageable. After all, your body is working for you.

Now, I know that’s easier said than done. It’s not always easy to say no to fun foods. That’s why I have one more trick for you. Here it is…

Before you eat anything, picture it sitting in your stomach.

Visualize it inside your body. Have you ever done that? It’s so simple, but I tell you, it definitely helps me keep my food priorities straight.

The first time I did this—visualizing—I don’t know why I did it. I was making a Fluffernutter. You know, peanut butter and marshmallow sauce on white bread. Mmm. I slapped one of those together and I put it on a paper plate, and for some reason, I just looked at it… really looked at it.

It occurred to me in that one short minute that the sandwich that I was looking at would move from the plate into my stomach. What if I could just pull up my shirt and shove the Fluffernutter right into my stomach? What if I could just bypass my mouth altogether, no chewing, and just insert food directly into my body?

The thought of swallowing that sandwich suddenly disgusted me. I suddenly realized that I was a jerk! I realized that for years, I didn’t respect my body as a living organism that was working 24/7 to keep me healthy and strong.

I was treating my stomach as a dumping ground for whatever tasted good. I was giving it garbage, I was making it work way harder than it should. I mean, really—a Fluffernutter? Why would I put this sticky, sugary, artificial mess into my stomach?

So, the next time you sit down to eat something, the next time you’re at the frozen yogurt shop choosing between gummy bears and blueberries, hold it up right next to your belly. Picture it jumping through your shirt and into your stomach. Then ask yourself, “Is this going to help my body or hurt it? Is this fuel or is this fun?” I bet you’ll hear the answer loud and clear.

[24:49] So, there are your three Black Belt diet tips: don’t stuff yourself, listen to your body, and treat food as fuel, not a source of entertainment. One last tip…

Is that all you’re going to eat? You eat like a rabbit!

Don’t you think you’ve had enough? You eat like a horse!

Don’t you care about your body?

Don’t you care about the planet?

Like I said, nutrition is like religion. People get intense trying to convert you to their way of thinking and eating. What’s crazy is that many of those people just started that new diet that they can’t shut up about. And they usually give up that diet and start a new one a few weeks later! That’s so annoying.

Look—ignore those people. I’m not saying their claims aren’t true, or their science isn’t proven, or their causes aren’t noble. No. I’m just saying that ultimately, you have to do what’s best for your own health.

Just like any other self-defense situation, if someone is crossing your boundaries, becoming offensive, insulting, rude, you have the right to state your beliefs, share your feelings, and defend your choices.

Now, of course, you’re a nice person and you’d rather keep the peace—me, too—but that should never be an option if it means doing harm to ourselves.

To be fair, it’s possible that our friends and family are just trying to help us in their own misguided way. But it’s also possible that they’re repeating their beliefs over and over again so that they feel more confident in their own choices. If that’s the case, you should tell them to do what I did—start a podcast!

Either way, don’t let anyone bully you on the mats, on the streets, in the home, or at the dinner table. Just listen to your body.

Let your body be your sensei. That’s how you become a master eater.

All right. I don’t know about you, but all that food talk made me hungry, so, I’m going to get something to eat. If you liked today’s show, don’t forget to visit FightforaHappyLife.com and sign up for my free email updates. Then you won’t miss a thing.

Until next time, smiles up, my friend. Let that smile be your shield and your sword. Keep fighting for a happy life!

The post #44: Black Belt Diet Tips [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #43 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “The Bully Handshake.”

I got my hand crushed by a bully handshake once… and the pain taught me a lesson about self-defense and self-empowerment that I’ll never forget.

Whether you train in the martial arts or not, I think you’ll find this lesson unforgettable, too!

To LISTEN to, “The Bully Handshake,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below.

If you’d like to support the show, sharing a link with a friend or leaving a quick review over at iTunes would be great. Thanks!

Oh—and don’t forget to sign up for free email updates so you can get new shows sent to your inbox the minute they’re released.

Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

TRANSCRIPT

[START]  Today on FHL, the bully handshake.

Hello again and welcome to Episode 43 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better.

 Ando here and as always, I’m so very honored that you pressed play. I, of course, value your time, and well, it’s very hot in here today, so, let me just get right to it, okay?

Today, a blast from the past. A story from my grade school days that led to a lesson that still sticks in my mind every single day. Get ready for the bully handshake.

[01:05]  The year was 1983. I was in seventh grade. In my class, there was a strong, tall, young man named Mick. And Mick was a bully. The rumor around school was that Mick’s dad was pretty rough on him. And as some kids who get roughed up at home tend to do, Mick found relief by roughing up others. And on this particular day, he was rough on me.

Now, I can’t remember exactly how the trouble started, although it’s very likely that my trash-talking and arrogant sneer on my face had something to do with it, but I do remember how the incident ended—with a handshake.

We had argued about something, I know he wanted to punch me, I was somehow smart enough or lucky enough to talk him out of killing me, punching my teeth out, and then at the very end, Mick offered his hand as a sign of good will.

“No hard feelings. Let’s shake on it.” That kind of thing.

Of course, it was a trap. And I walked right into it. I shook his hand and immediately the clouds darkened. Now, Mick—he didn’t say a word. He just stared at me and started squeezing. And squeezing. He squeezed so hard that I literally dropped to my knees.

Hey! Did you ever see the movie Superman 2 with Christopher Reeve? Do you remember that scene where General Zod thinks Superman has lost all of his powers and he demands that the son of Jor-El, Superman, take his hand and kneel before him? But in fact, Superman still had his powers so when he takes General Zod’s hand, he just crushes it, and you hear the bones crunch. And then he picks him up and throws him into a chasm.

Well, it was just like that. No, I didn’t get throw into a chasm, but I definitely was Zod and Mick was definitely Superman in this one. Oh—a funny little sidenote here…

When I moved out to Los Angeles in my 20’s, I actually met Christopher Reeve. That was really exciting. I mean, I was only eight when the first Superman movie came out and I was 10 for part two. Now, of course, I knew Christopher Reeve wasn’t really Superman, but on the other hand, Christopher Reeve WAS really Superman! You know what I mean. It gets weird.

So, anyway, when Christopher Reeve offered me his hand and said, “Hi, I’m Chris,” I freaked out.

I looked at his hand in front of me and all I could think was, “Holy shit! That’s the hand that crushed General Zod!” Such a strange world we live in, isn’t it? Anyway, God rest his soul.

Where was I? Ah, yes—I’m on my knees and Mick still wouldn’t let go. He just stood over me, breathing through his nose, while I was writhing in pain, swallowing my screams, and trying not to wet my pants in front of my friends.

Eventually, after what felt like forever, Mick was satisfied and he let me go. He didn’t say a word. He just let go and walked away. I mean, on some level, I respect that. What a perfect performance. I mean, if you’re going to be a bully, that’s the way to do it.

For me, having my hand slowly and silently crushed was far more frightening and intimidating than hearing him scream at me, or call me names, or punch me in the face. I mean, anybody can punch anybody, right? There’s nothing mysterious or supernatural about getting punched in the face.

But that grip! To have the grip strength to put me on my knees, and then just stand there without saying a word, man, it seemed liked black magic.

[04:57]  I think I’ve made the point before that when you’re sparring, or you’re fighting with punches and kicks, all of that happens really, really fast, and you don’t have that much time to reflect on how weak and helpless you are. But a bully handshake is slow. It’s grinding. It’s unstoppable. It’s the kind of attack that feels just like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

When you’re stuck underneath somebody, you not only lose, you have time to know that you’re losing. You have time to see your ego evaporate. You have time to feel helpless and pathetic. The bully handshake doesn’t just crush your hand, it crushes your soul.

Okay. So, now let’s flash forward a few years. It’s 1989. I’m a student of Tae Kwon Do. One night in class, the instructor announced that we’d be working on handshake defense.

Yeah! Wow! Up until that moment, I hadn’t really thought about what happened with Mick. I had put my handshake humiliation in some small compartment in my head. I never thought about it again. And even when I started training in the martial arts, I put all my attention on developing punches and kicks, not handshakes. I mean, that’s the cool stuff, right?

When was the last time you saw handshake defense in a movie? Frankly, I didn’t even know that bully handshake was a category of self-defense. I thought my hand getting crushed was some kind of fluke. It was a one-off. But I guess not.

Anyway, as promised, my instructor demonstrated a wide variety of tactics to deal with an aggressive handshake. He showed a thumblock, he showed a wristlock, showed a throw and a takedown… it was all good stuff.

But for me, the coolest move, the coolest technique, was a trick. A simple self-defense trick that you can do right now without moving one muscle. I’m going to share this trick with you right now.

Are you ready? Here it is…

The handshake trick. Okay. Stick your hand out like you’re going to shake someone’s hand. Okay. Curl up your hand just a little bit and put your fingers together— don’t let them spread out. Put them together so they’re touching. Are you ready? Here it comes.

Now, just tense your hand. Just tighten up all your muscles as if your hand is made of iron. That’s it. The goal here is not to squeeze the other guy’s hand. You’re not trying to crush his bones. You’re just bolstering the structure of your hand so it can take a squeeze. Does that make sense? Cool. Now, play around with that a little bit and let me know how it goes.

Anyway, on the night when I first saw this trick, my instructor challenged me to squeeze his hand as hard as I could. And I did. And then when one hand didn’t work and have nay effect on him, I used two. I even leaned into him… it didn’t matter. He just stood there staring at me. Just like Mick stared at me!

That’s why I love this trick—it’s a reverse bully handshake. While the bully is staring into your eyes, waiting for you to panic, you can stare right back, waiting for him to give up. And you can have the same arrogant look on your face. Or maybe that’s just my face. Whatever.

The best part? You don’t even have to practice this trick, right? You can do that right now. So, for me, in the world of bully-busting, it doesn’t get any better than this.

As a matter of fact, this bully handshake defense technique made me so happy, that I used it as a party trick for years. Any time the topic of martial arts came up, and people would ask me to show them a move, I didn’t have to kick over anyone’s head or do a fancy form. Nope. I would just say, “Here. Go ahead—squeeze my hand.”

And it worked every time. Didn’t matter—big guys, little guys, everybody. They’d grab hold, they’d double up, they’d grunt… and I would just smirk. Now, don’t get me wrong—it does get uncomfortable sometimes. I mean, you can still feel the pressure of the squeeze, but for whatever reason, it never turns into pain.

[09:10]  So, the point is my handshake trick worked like a charm for years. The only problem was, as time went on and I got into my late 20’s and early 30’s, there weren’t as many opportunities to use my trick. I guess as testosterone drops, so does the need to challenge you or to prove yourself. Whatever the case, it seemed as if I would never get to use my handshake trick again. It just sat in a box in my head getting dusty.

But all of that changed when I started working with kids. In my mid-30’s, I took a full-time job at Dawn Barnes Karate Kids here in Los Angeles, and that gave me the chance to work with literally thousands of young students, some of whom, yes, can get a little cocky about their skills.

Now, sure, I could always put on some sparring gloves and knock them around a little, but I found that one of the easiest ways to suggest to my overconfident students that there is always more to learn was the handshake trick.

Yes. I dusted it off. I brought it out. I would challenge them to grab my hand and squeeze just as my instructor had challenged me. And boy, did they squeeze. They squeezed like crazy.

They would hang on my arm, they would scream, thrash, turn red… they really tried to hurt me. Kids are fun like that, right? But I’d just laugh. I would trash talk. “Come on, tough guy… is that all you got?”

This was my party trick back in its fully glory, baby! It was a hit. Until… one day.

One cold, dark day. Actually, it was warm and sunny, but it didn’t feel like that to me.

I want you to meet Daniel. Daniel was a junior black belt in our Karate program. A tall, skinny, 12 year-old, junior black belt. And he was cocky. He didn’t start off that way, but like many martial artists, as his skill grew, so did his ego. And one night, after class, he was mouthing off a little bit and I knew just what to do.

So, I set the trap. “Hey, great class tonight. Put ‘er there.” He took the bait, shook my hand.

“What— is that your hand or a noodle? Come on, tough guy. Squeeze my hand.”

Nothing. There were a couple of other students watching and giggling as Daniel dropped his sparring bag so he could use both hands. But I just stood there, smirking like I always did. And as I started another round of trash talk, that’s when I heard it—POP!

What was that? Did this fucking kid just break a fucking bone in my fucking hand?

Yes, he did. Or maybe he just popped it out of place. You know what, I can’t tell you exactly what happened, because it wasn’t serious enough for me to go to the hospital, but it did hurt.

To be honest, I sometimes think that the POP was actually the sound of my ego snapping in half. Whatever the case, I played it off. I peeled Daniel’s cocky little hands off mine, I gave him a big slap on the back, and told him, “Better luck next time, Karate Kid!”

Everyone left with a smile, no one suspecting for a moment, that Sensei had a broken hand. Nobody realized that Daniel had put me back on my knees, psychologically speaking. But the second the door closed and I was alone, man—I sank into a chair, held my hand, and tried to figure out what the hell went wrong.

Was Daniel that strong? Was I suddenly that old and weak?

Oh, the irony. Here I was trying to instill humility into a cocky student and instead, a cocky student instilled humility into a cocky teacher. On that night, it was the young man who taught the old man a valuable life lesson—

Tricks are tricks and skills are skills.

Let’s face it—human beings love shortcuts. We love hacks. We love tricks. Whether it’s for getting into shape, saving money, or getting a bad guy off your back, hey, if there’s an easy way to do something, we want to know what it is.

But even though hacks and tricks can sometimes boost our progress, ultimately, I’d still say you’re way better off doing the work and building real skills. Skills that will lead you to success even when all of your tricks have failed you. A trick may help you lose ten pounds, or save a few bucks, or impress people at parties, but listen—

Relying on tricks to build health, wealth, or defend your life is a terrible and, yes, even dangerous strategy.

Now, I’ve talked about the dangers of being a “one trick pony” back in Episode 11. In that show, I blamed the ego for keeping us stuck in a rut. Discover a trick that works and then just keep using it over and over and over again—that’s a rut. And if our one trick doesn’t happen to work, well, then we blame it on somebody else or make an excuse… anything to prevent ourselves from admitting that hey—maybe we’re not as smart or as skillful as we think.

But there’s another reason why we get stuck in a rut—laziness. Experimenting with new ideas and developing new techniques takes work. It takes patience… faith… grit… guts.

[14:58]  Now, you see one trick ponies in every walk of life, but for the moment, let’s talk about martial arts. Here’s what I see on the mats…

A beginner worries about being choked. Then they learn an escape from a choke. Then they strut around believing that no one can choke them! They go from scared to smug in one quick step.

It sounds very odd to say, but I’m telling you, a little self-empowerment can be dangerous. Empowerment is dangerous when you let one good trick become your only plan. When you let one good trick make you think you can’t lose. When you think you’ve learned all you need to know. I know this isn’t new to you, but I’m going to say it anyway—

Confidence is cool, but cocky will get you killed.

No duh, right? So, okay—if we all know that, then why is smugness and even arrogance so common in the martial arts? Why are there so many martial artists who believe that their style is “the best”? Why do you see so many students practicing moves that you know will never work under pressure?

Well, it’s really no mystery, is it? As I’ve talked about before, most people in the martial arts are nice people. Kind people. I mean, what type of person signs up for a martial arts class in the first place? Do you think it’s someone who feels tough, and confident, and powerful, and now just wants to develop some humility by getting tossed around and beat up a couple times a week?

No! It’s usually the opposite. Most students feel like they’re already getting tossed around and beat up out there. They’re good people looking for a way to improve and protect themselves. They come to the martial arts seeking comfort, confidence, and control. And well, yes, maybe sometimes to lose a couple pounds of fat or gain a couple pounds of muscle. That’s fine.

So, what happens? Well, when you teach good people to punch, kick, and take somebody down, they get everything they were looking for. It doesn’t matter if you’re six years old or sixty, a martial arts class may be the first place where a good person thinks—

Hey, I’m not weak, I’m strong! I’m not scared, I’m brave! I’m not a wimp, I’m tough! I’m no victim, I’m a hero!

Yeah, you feel power in your body, in your voice, in your knowledge… and you like it! It’s a rush. You’re grateful for it. You’re loyal to it.

But watch out! Because if all of that power is left unchecked, if it’s left unchallenged, well, then your confidence can transform into overconfidence. That’s why it’s a teacher’s responsibility to move his or her students through a never-ending sequence of experiences that evoke feelings of both dominance and helplessness.

Students should experience being comfortable and in control as well as being uncomfortable and under someone else’s control. If your teacher or style is not providing you the opportunities to explore and work through both extremes, then listen—you’ve got to take on that responsibility on your own.

Keep this in mind—if you’re always winning, you’re not learning as much as you can. If you’re always losing, you’re not learning as much as you can. Your goal as a martial artist is to seek out training experiences where you can be both dominant and dominated.

Sometimes you have full control over what’s happening, sometimes you have no control over what’s happening. Sometimes you crush, sometimes you cry.

One extreme builds confidence, the other builds humility. And that to me, is the mark of a true martial arts master… the balance between confidence and humility.

[19:04]  Now, I spoke about that balance in our very first episode—that’s right. Are You a Fighter? In that show, Episode 1, I suggested that to be a truly powerful person, you should be able to choose your behavior in any given situation as opposed to merely reacting out of habit. You don’t want to be forced into doing something out of fear or arrogance. You should not be living your life at the mercy of habit. You should not be predictable.

Instead, practice being passive and aggressive, quiet and bold, conservative and crazy. By developing both extremes in yourself, then you can move forward living your life strategically and purposefully, instead of haphazardly and accidentally.

But it’s not easy. I’m not going to lie to you. It takes constant vigilance to stay humble and keep learning, especially if everything’s working for you and you feel like you’re at the top of your game. But you know, history has proven again and again that the minute you get smug in your business, or your relationships, or your training, the second you get cocky about what you know or the way you do things, you are setting yourself up for a big fall.

No matter who you are, it’s just a matter of time before some cocky 12-year-old kid comes along and breaks your hand.

Consider this—when Mick put me on my knees, I felt helpless. When I learned the handshake trick, I felt invincible. And I was wrong both times!

I wasn’t helpless against Mick, I just didn’t give myself permission to fight back. And obviously, I wasn’t invincible against Daniel, I just put too much faith in a trick.

Why? Why did I do that? Why did I believe in a self-defense hack for so long?

Because my confidence was so crushed by Mick to begin with. My ego was so eager to feel like a winner again, that I jumped on the first technique that made me feel smart and strong again.

It’s like that old saying, which I only recently heard for the first time, believe it or not: “A drowning man will clutch to a straw.”

That’s the popular version anyway. What I heard was: “A drowning man will grasp at a feather.”

Ooh… I love the image of that feather. Either way, you get the point. When we lose, when we feel helpless, when we lose control, that’s when the danger of becoming desperate appears. That desperation clouds our judgment and leads us to a distorted view of reality. A dangerous view.

Sure, if you delude yourself in business, hey—maybe you just lose some money. If you delude yourself in a relationship, hey—maybe you lose a spouse. But if you delude yourself in self-defense, maybe you lose your life.

So, don’t let that happen to you! Be honest with yourself when you think about what you know. Seek clarity when you consider what you can do.

Make it your goal in training and life to know what it feels like to crush someone’s hand… and to take someone’s hand to help them stand up.

Know what if feels like to put someone on their knees… and to bend your own knees when it’s time to show respect.

When you can act freely on both ends of the behavioral spectrum, then you can focus on figuring out when to step up and when to step back. That’s what maturity is all about. That’s what mastery is all about.

Learning how to balance confidence and humility— that’s the real trick.

[23:14]  All right. Let’s get out there and create some peace, people. As martial artists, we should be brave enough and strong enough to be the first to smile… and the first to offer our hand. Don’t you think?

Hey— if you enjoyed today’s show, don’t miss the next one. Drop by FightforaHappyLife.com and sign up for my free updates.

Until next time, smiles up, my friend. Let that smile be your shield and your sword. Keep fighting for a happy life!

The post #43: The Bully Handshake [Podcast] appeared first on Sensei Ando.

Welcome to Episode #42 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Relax! The Worst Advice in Martial Arts.”

We all hear about the negative effects of stress, but what about the negative effects of relaxation? Is there a dark side to taking it easy?

In this episode, a story about how being “chill” almost got me killed!

To LISTEN to, “Relax! The Worst Advice in Martial Arts,” you can either:

To READ along, or if the player won’t play, you’ll find a full transcript down below. There’s also a video summary!

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Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life! 🙂

PODCAST TRANSCRIPT

[STARTS 1:33]  Let me tell you a story about a time I got beat up. Now, this is not going to be the full story. There’s a prequel to what I’m going to tell you and a sequel, but the point I want to make today is found in the middle, so that’s what you’re going to get.

At this point of the story, I’m sitting in a car with my friend Don. We’re in a parking lot. At night. We suddenly realize that there is a group of dudes outside the car who want to beat us up. Now, I believe there were eight of them, but it’s possible there were only seven. It sure felt like eight, though.

Anyway, half pulled my friend Don out of the passenger seat of the car and the others pulled me out of the driver’s seat. There was some tough talk, shoving, and then punching. There was even some grabbing of my hair so my head could be slammed on the hood of my car.

Well, it didn’t take long before I was on the ground, in a fetal position, getting kicked and stomped. I have a very clear memory of looking over to my friend who was 15 feet away in the exact same position, also getting kicked and stomped. It was a scene, man.

Now, when it was over, my friend Don and I got back in the car, processed what had happened for a couple of minutes, and then drove away. I believe we ended up someplace having coffee and a bagel.

Now, I suppose that part of the story is a little shocking. The beating, I mean, not the bagel. Two nice guys getting pulled out of a car and beaten up. But that’s not the surprising part of the story. No. The surprising part of the story is this… throughout the entire episode, my heart rate never quickened, I never got an adrenaline dump, and not once did I feel scared.

Believe it or not, and you probably don’t, I didn’t raise my voice once. I didn’t even throw a punch.

Now, I know that’s hard to believe, but I promise you it’s true. I can even prove it. Well, sort of. I can prove it because I’m not telling you I wasn’t scared to brag about how tough or cool I was, but how I was an idiot!

I’m telling you this because it was a fault. It was a weakness. A mistake. I don’t want you to make the same mistake. Because you see, there was a reason why I was so calm.

No, I wasn’t drunk. I wasn’t high. The truth is I just didn’t care.

I didn’t care about getting punched. I didn’t care about getting kicked and stomped. I didn’t care about fighting back. I didn’t care that my shirt got ripped. What makes this situation even more bizarre is that at this point in my life, I had already been training in the martial arts for three or four years. I could easily have put up a fight and maybe prevented the beating. But I didn’t.

To make it even worse, I can tell you that the bad guys, they weren’t even good fighters! They were completely unorganized. Their punches were sloppy. They had no technique. A lot of their kicks were just glancing blows even though I wasn’t moving. I was a static, easy target. How could you miss me?

All right, all right. So, I know what you’re thinking. The question here is why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I care? Well, the answer is simple. Are you ready? I was a philosophy major. Okay, that’s the end of show. Thanks!

[5:00]  No. I was a high-minded idealist who, as a martial artist, had taken an interest in Asian philosophy. I know—that’s so cliché. It’s embarrassing. At that time, I was deep into the Tao Te Ching. That book made a huge impression on me…

I believed in the concept of action without taking action. I found comfort in becoming one with the void. I thoroughly enjoyed the freedom that comes with being nothing at all.

At the same time, I was being shaped by classic Zen writings. I practiced detachment. I cut away my thoughts, opinions, and desires. I tried to see things as they truly were without the distortion of my pesky judgment. I worked hard to break down the walls between good and evil, desirable and undesirable, the self and the other.

Ah, yes. I was quite full of it back then. These philosophies were so attractive. They were so elegant. So profound. When I read those books, I swear, I could instantly feel the cells in my body changing. It was like downloading new software into my hard drive. This was wisdom. This was truth. Or so I thought…

You see, there was a problem. A glitch in the software. A bug. Now, to be fair, I’m not sure if this bug is in the philosophy itself or just in my understanding of the philosophy. When I think about it, I sure feel better knowing that scholars, people far deeper into this stuff than I am, still disagree about the meaning of these texts, and they have for hundreds of years, so maybe I’m not alone in being confused.

Either way, at the time of my beating, I believed that all was one. That everything was connected. The rocks, the stars, the trees, the good guys, the bad guys… everything is just a swirl of cosmic energy. We are yin and yang at the same time. Division is an illusion.

And as a result of that thinking, I didn’t care so much about combing my hair, or washing my hands all the time, or getting good grades, or keeping good posture. It all just seemed so inconsequential. Who cares?

And boy, I gotta be honest, it was really a relief! I mean, if you want to take away the stress from trying to get straight A’s, or the frustration of trying to add 10 pounds of muscle on your skinny frame, or get rid of the shame that comes from not having a cool car, or the constant embarrassment of not having a date on a Friday night, well, let me tell you—in those situations, connecting to the void, connecting to the cosmic swirl of energy, detaching from the ego, ooh, that is powerful medicine.

Without all that stress, I was left relaxed. Very relaxed. And doesn’t that sound healthy? I mean, stress is a killer, isn’t it? Relaxation is good for you.

No. No. Not at all. That, I believe, turned out to be untrue.

Because when you get pulled out of your car by a bunch of punks who only want to punch and kick you, and you’re so relaxed, so detached, so one with the universe, that you don’t care, that’s not only unhealthy, it’s dangerous. It might even have been deadly.

But I didn’t understand that. Even when I was getting kicked and stomped, I still didn’t know how wrong I was, or how wrong my understanding of the Tao and Zen might have been. Even after the beating, when I was nibbling on a bagel, I wasn’t angry. If anything, I thought it was funny! My brother will tell you that I came home that night and I laughed about the attack. He thought I was crazy. Now, I don’t think I was crazy, but I was absolutely oblivious.

[9:17]  But a turning point came. All of that good cheer wore off the next morning. That’s because when I woke up, I could feel the pain in my body, and that pain broke the spell.

The Tao turned into ow. I could feel the scratches burning in my shoulder. I felt every bruise on my arms and body. My neck was so stiff, I couldn’t get up.

So, I just stayed in bed. I curled up in the exact same position that I had been in the night before in the parking lot. And I meditated. Well, if you want to call it that. It was during this morning meditation that I changed my mind about Zen mind. And once again, I could feel every cell in my body changing as a new, updated version of my philosophical software was being downloaded.

In this version, let’s—I don’t know—call it Ando 3.0, judgment returned. Attachment returned. Ego returned. The self returned.

Now, it’s not that I believe I’m more than anyone else, but thanks to the update, I also believe that I’m not less than anyone else. I committed myself to never again subscribing to any belief system that threatens my safety or my health. I committed myself to valuing my life. To protecting it.

I mean, why should I leave the fate of my life in the hands of someone else? Particularly a group of thugs! Why should I allow someone to slam my head into the hood of a car and maybe cause brain damage? Why would I allow someone to kick me in the spine and cripple me?

And oh, what about Don? He was a good guy. He didn’t deserve to be beaten. Sure, yeah, he’s responsible to protect his own life, but I’m his friend, shouldn’t I be committed to somehow helping him if I can?

That beating turned out to be a major life event for me. As I limped around groaning for the next couple of days, it became clearer and clearer to me that we are NOT all one. We are not just nameless expressions of nothingness. It became very clear that, yeah, there is good in the world… and there is evil. There is right and there is wrong. There are the worthy and the unworthy.

It also became clear to me that relaxation was overrated. That being calm in the face of danger is worthless compared to being prepared to face danger. I want you to listen very carefully, my friend—

Relaxation is not a plan. Relaxation is not a strategy for survival. It’s not a step towards success. Relaxation is a neutral, docile, indifferent state of being.

Which is why telling someone to relax might be the worst advice you can give. No, I take that back. It IS the worst advice you can give somebody.

If you really want to help somebody, don’t give them advice, give them the tools to succeed instead. Peace of mind is for plants, not people. I like that. I’m going to say that again.

Now, you’d think that going through such a dramatic event would have driven this lesson into me so deeply that I’d never be sucked into the cult of relaxation again, but not so. Turns out I’m not that smart. I’ve had to learn and relearn that lesson over and over again, on and off the mats. That’s because the cult of relaxation is everywhere!

No matter where you turn, anytime something goes wrong, the first thing that people will tell you is relax. Take it easy. Hey, don’t get worked up. Calm down. Keep your cool. Whether it’s in a therapeutic setting, at work, at home… everybody everywhere thinks that you can solve all of your problems if you just relax.

Well, not me, baby! I’m not going to tell you to relax. If I have in the past, well, then forgive me. Let’s change that right now. I will never again tell you to relax. I’ll also never tell you to be more confident… believe in yourself… hey, don’t give up. All of that advice is worthless bumper sticker nonsense. It’s a waste of time when someone says it to you and it’s a waste of time when you say it to somebody else. Here’s why—

Being relaxed, being confident, believing in yourself… those are all the byproducts of the actions you have already taken and are currently taking. They’re not switches that you can just turn on and off.

You don’t just choose to be relaxed. You don’t get to choose to be confident. That’s like telling someone to be a millionaire. Oh, what’s that? You’re in debt? Well, be a millionaire.

Be a millionaire? That’s not advice at all. That’s an invitation to get punched in the mouth. Look—there is no shortcut to becoming rich or relaxed. Relaxation is the reward you get for taking action.

[14:45]  Let me give you a recent example of how relaxation failed me. I started taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu a few years ago and I admit it, I walked in thinking I was a pretty cool cat. I mean, I had already trained for years. I’d already wrestled my martial arts demons of ego and fear and competitiveness. Well, not so much.

It turns out that the demons were just hiding. BJJ shattered my inner-peace. The struggles on the mats were closer, and heavier, and sweatier than I had expected. And as a result, I found myself panicking and thrashing. I couldn’t believe it.

I was tense and holding my breath. I was desperate. I would repeat the same moves over and over again even though they weren’t working. And I knew they weren’t working. Class after class, I would just burn up all my oxygen and collapse. Then I would drive home a quivering, sobbing mess.

And through it all, what do you suppose the most common correction I received was? Do you think anyone ever said, “Hey, use more muscle! Add tension! Use more strength!” No, of course not. You know what they said. They all said they same thing. They said RELAX. They told me to go with the flow.

Like Lao Tzu himself, they told me that the soft and yielding will always defeat the strong and aggressive. Oh, really. Well, we’ve already discussed that idea in Episode 34, The Two Biggest Lies in Martial Arts. In case you missed that one, you can probably tell from the title, that I don’t believe that soft is superior to hard any more than a screwdriver is superior to a hammer.

There is a time to be hard and there’s a time to be soft, end of discussion. Soft is an option, not a religion. And my many losses prove it. Here’s what I mean…

I have gone into practice many times, whether it’s in sparring or rolling, with one simple goal—relax. Just stay relaxed. That’s it. I mean, if you’re telling me that the secret to winning is to stay relaxed, and then all I do is focus on staying relaxed, well, then I should be pretty hard to beat, right?

So, that’s the challenge I would keep giving myself. No matter what happens tonight, or in this round, just relax. Don’t tense up. Stay soft. Go with the flow. Don’t try to win. Don’t worry if anybody’s watching. Just step into the void, detach yourself from doubt, forget about fear. And I did that.

And what do you think happened when I did that? Well, the good news is I have been very successful at keeping my cool. Just like in the parking lot, I can relax in the worst of situations. I can see everything that’s happening, I can feel everything that’s happening, and I make no judgments about what’s happening whatsoever. That’s the good news.

The bad news is I’m getting stabbed, choked, taking hits, and being smothered on the ground. In short, I’m still losing as much as I was when I was tense… I’m just more relaxed now when it happens.

So, based on my many, many losses, here is the conclusion I have come to…

That’s why relaxation should never ever be your goal in training. If you happen to find yourself feeling relaxed, great—welcome it. Relaxation will help you execute your plan, but don’t forget—it is not a plan in and of itself. Instead, you should be focused on what you’re going to do. You should be focused on winning. What tools do you have? What can you do with them? What do you need to do? What’s the next step to change a bad situation into something good?

Let me take a quick step back here. Let me ask you this—why do you want to be relaxed in the first place? What’s so great about being relaxed? Okay. Well, relaxation helps you move better, think better, see more, feel more. It’s really the ideal state for taking action. I don’t doubt that. Tension locks you in place. It inhibits your breathing. It works against you.

But there’s a catch here. To be relaxed, you have to take an action first. That first action, even if it’s just taking a breath, releases the tension that’s holding you back.

So that means if you want to cultivate relaxation, you have to focus on taking action. If you focus on relaxation, you just cultivate more tension.

You tell yourself to relax, but you can’t relax! Then you tense up even worse. Hey, don’t tell me to relax… tell me what to do!

Okay. Example. Let’s say I’m sparring someone who is coming on strong and hitting hard. If I tense up, if I freeze, well, I have a problem. I’m going to keep getting beat up. If I tell myself to relax and go with the flow, I’m still going to get beat up! I’m just going to be relaxed while I’m taking hits.

But if I focus on a plan, simple plan, maybe I say to myself, fake high, grab his front arm, punch over the top, as soon as I do that, my body releases some tension. It prepares to execute the plan. The concept alone relaxes me.

[20:16]  Now, I would take that same principle and apply to anything in your life that causes you stress or tension. Anything that’s unknown or out of your control.

How do you combat stress? How do you stop worrying about what might happen? Isn’t it by preparing? Isn’t it by gaining information? Isn’t it from putting a plan together?

I see this no different than a fire drill. You may not be able to stop fires, but when you have a plan of how you could survive one, that really lessens the fear that you’re going to die in one.

The same is true if you’re diagnosed with a disease that you’ve never heard of. At first, that’s going to be terrifying. But the more you learn about it, the more your doctor lays out a treatment plan, well, yeah, then the better you’re going to feel about your chances of survival. The information is the power. Taking action is what relaxes you. Back to martial arts…

Do you want to know the secret to relaxation while practicing the martial arts? Here it is—be good at what you do.

Consider this—if I ask you to spar a six-year-old child, a six-year-old child who’s never even taken a karate class before, how does that make you feel right now? Does that idea scare you? Did you just tense up?

Of course not! And why is that? It’s because you know you have the strength, the speed, and the smarts to overcome whatever that kid does. There’s just no way you can be hurt. So, clearly, your feeling of relaxation is directly linked to your skill set, to your experience.

Okay. But now let’s say you’re asleep in your bedroom. BOOM! Someone kicks in your door. You look up. It’s a seven foot dude. He’s 300 pounds. He’s wearing football pads. He’s got a machete in one hand and a knife in the other. Now this maniac screams like a tiger, shakes the windows, and he lunges right at you.

Now how do you feel? A little tense maybe? Heart beating a little faster perhaps? And why is that? Aren’t you the same person who was just kicking the crap out of that six-year-old with a smile on your face? Well, to me, the lesson here is obvious—relaxation depends on your skill level. Your relaxation is tied to your experience. Your preparation. Your knowledge. Here’s the thing…

When you don’t know where you’re going, when you don’t feel in control, well, then you always hear a waterfall coming up straight ahead. You always feel like you’re about to sail over the edge and crash. But if you have a map, if you have a compass, if you have one hand on the rudder, well, then you know you can steer for calm waters and avoid the waterfalls.

[23:06]  So, here’s my advice… the next time you freeze up because you feel threatened on the mats or in real life, don’t beat yourself up. It’s natural to freeze up in the face of danger. It’s natural to feel tension. It’s normal for your blood to start pumping and your heart to pound in your ears.

Because it’s normal and natural, that means you can skip the step where you tell yourself to relax. Don’t waste time telling yourself to calm down or stay cool. And if you’re with somebody who’s freaking out, well, don’t waste time telling them not to freak out.

If you want to get back to a relaxed state, then get busy figuring out what actions you need to take to change the situation.

That first act, in almost all cases, the best one you can probably take, maybe just take a breath. That may sound just as worthless as telling yourself to relax—Hey, relax. Take a breath!–but it’s not. Telling someone to take a breath is very different than just saying relax because taking a breath is something you can DO. It’s a step forward.

Think about it–what happens when you take a breath? You begin to relax. You begin to move.

Imagine somebody has you in a headlock and your coach is yelling, “Relax! Relax!” Well, that doesn’t help at all, does it? But if he were to say take a breath… control the hand… drop your chin… turn to the left. Ahh. That’s so much better, isn’t it?

Now, your panicked brain has hope. It has something to focus on. Your state of mind shifts from panic to empowerment.

No, you may not escape the choke every time, but at least you have steps to follow. You’ve got a shot. You’re not going to die frozen, you’re going to die fighting.

[25:05]  I’m telling you, my friend, that’s the key. When you give yourself or others specific steps they can take to change their situation from bad to good, that’s when you can tap into your power. This to me is the whole point of martial arts—figuring out how to move past panic so you can survive. How to fight fear so you can succeed.

The better you get at making plans and moving forward, the more you realize that you are smart enough, you are brave enough, you are tough enough to stand up to any and all threats to your happiness. Win or lose, you can fight.

But that empowerment does not come from staring at candles. It doesn’t come from reading scrolls. It comes from preparation, planning, and practice.

So, whether you’re into martial arts, or yoga, or any self-improvement program, when you hear teachers, and coaches, and gurus telling you to relax, let that go. There’s no point in starting a fight with them. But privately, be smart enough to take “relax” off of your “to-do” list.

Relaxation is not your goal. Your goal is to survive. To win. To succeed. If you want to be relaxed, confident, and happy, don’t try to be relaxed, confident, and happy. Instead…

Breathe. Plan. Learn. Work. Act. Move. Do.

The secret to success, dear friend, is not in the stars, but in ourselves. You have to fight for a happy life.

The post #42: Relax! The Worst Advice in Martial Arts [Podcast + Video] appeared first on Sensei Ando.