We're saying goodbye to Theo as our producer and regular feature of the show, but don't worry - we haven't seen the last of him. He'll be back for various special episodes in the future. In the meantime, we hope you'll stick with Jackie and Rachel - we love you, and have a lot planned!

The gang is back for the second half of the most absolutely whackadoodle Christmas story ever written. Sure, in episode 1 all that happened was we met some cute people who prepared for a luncheon, but now we’re looking at murder, mystery, and men with wigs - not to mention an absolute f*ckton of fairies. Rachel is granted a miracle, but wastes it. Jackie has high standards for rain. Theo hatches a harebrained scheme to Christmas-prank his parents. Topics include: creepy narrators, CBD/CBT, lookin’ plumptious, Catholic requirements for canonization, DMT context clues, Italian Gollum, White Lotus, the importance of communication, a family-friendly Get Low remix, praying for child labor, the proper time and place to kick a horse, Stuart Little, LotR, Cyrano de Bergerac, and a Charles Dickens Battle Royale scenario.

After a nice long fall break, we’re back atcha with the third of Dickens’ five Christmas stories! This week we cover the first half of The Cricket on the Hearth: A Fairy Tale of Home. For having such a cute title, this story is surprisingly off the chain and makes us wonder, not for the first time, what Charlie D was smoking on those long nighttime walks of his. Rachel is a good tipper, despite owning a girl-fedora. Jackie teaches an impromptu Yiddish lesson. Theo only wants one thing for Christmas, and it’s new fingers. Topics include: Mary Poppins, QWOP, scary old wizards, FedEx shenanigans, Ye Olde Ugly Clubbe, an excellent Taiwanese brunch, Thievin’ Stephen, the 12 days of Christmas, leg mechanics, Frosty the Carrotman, starfruits, and big furry eyes.

Boy oh boy, do we have a special episode for you!  Today, in a vibes-based episode, we will be discussing the Moomins, amazing creatures created by Finnish writer/artist/anti-fascist Tove Jansson.  These days, you can find the Moomins in TV, anime, movies, books, comics, and represented on basically every type of merch.  We watched “Spring in Moomin Valley,” the first episode of the 1990 Moomin TV show (available on YouTube), and read the first few issues of the newspaper comic strip.  Theo finally hears the best song ever heard.  Jackie solves a long-standing Matt mystery.  Rachel is joined by a very special surprise guest.
Topics include: visits to Houston, Jesus, the Winter War, Immanuel Kant, John Stuart Mill, possession by Moomins, Rousseau, Moomin Land, the Moomin Museum in Tampere, Reddit baby pranks, First Take Theo, Pusha T, maple syrup

Happy belated Halloween, and welcome to Bump Patrol #3 - Monster Blood! We read and enjoy and ponder over RL Stine’s rollicking 1992 monsterpiece. Stay spooky!

Oh look, our 101th episode! In celebration, we kind of just continued doing our thing. It’s what we do best. We give a mini Stoker bio and wrap up the final 9 chapters of Dracula, and things get gayer and gayer. Rachel won’t stop ringing her own bell. Theo revels in life post-sexual awakening. Jackie finally takes control, to disastrous effect. Topics include: child brains, staging a play for copyright reasons, nerdgasms, being American and doing t*rrorism, special dirt, Oscar Wilde’s sodomy trial, the Red-Headed Giant, the Lair of the White Worm, the meaning of the word ‘barmy’, a rapid response party no one came to, breaking your back in a stupid way, the ship of Theseus, an extremely enthusiastic murder-promise, train fiends/friends, a woman doing a man thing, a man doing a woman thing, a man doing a nothing.

Content warnings: homophobia, violence, LOTS of shipping logistics

Mwahahahaha, welcome to part 2 of our miniseries on Bram Stoker’s Dracula!  This week we cover chapters 10-18 of that classic Gothic horror novel.  Our team of hunters is uniting, blood is being consumed, and vampires are being staked.  Who will survive to the end of the book?!  Theo reaches nirvana, which is bad for the pod.  Jackie refuses to disclose her latitude and longitude.  Rachel finds a way to blame women no matter what.  Topics include: the appropriate behavior for a guest, gay time, Eddie Van Halen, HIPAA violations, making flowers kiss, Gandalf in the Hobbit, #thebloodisthelife, whether wolves are vampires (no), a bloofer reel, the price of garlic, the etymology of sperm whales, canonical gingers, Husband Squad, bed bugs, Stone Cold Steve Austin, penetrasche, the transitive property, The Price is Right but for character deaths, and Philip K. Dick.

Velcome, velcome, velcome to part one of Dracula. Possibly the most famous Gothic horror novel of all time, Bram Stoker’s masterpiece is, for the uninitiated at least, a surprisingly complex read full of uncomfortable yet strangely compelling eroticism! We cover chapters 1-9 and tell our weekly stories. Theo has no idea how he’s supposed to edit this. Jackie meets a new friend and promptly throws her under the bus. Rachel doesn’t think people really need to know about the Germans. Topics include: birthday butt-grabs, Codies, friendless chickens, Amanda Bynes, a knock-down drag-out fight about sons of dragons/devils, dying like a man, Pusha T, paprika troubles, Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It, a long-suffering karaoke bar employee, Drac ‘n John, Vlad the Impaler, opening a can of wamp-ass, Kim K, Kanye, and North West, cowboy puns, and important gay stuff.

Content warnings: sexual assault, violence, death, baseless accusations of skeeziness leveled against many different nationalities

This week we speak to Michael Kellermeyer, proprietor of Oldstyle Tales Press (www.oldstyletales.com), about what seems to be his favorite thing in the world - the works of Washington Irving.  Michael is a former English professor, current independent publisher (and illustrator, bibliographer, literary critic, etc., etc., etc.), and all-around great guy.  We had a great time talking to him about ol' Irv, America's original troll and our current best boy.  Join us for this most momentous start to spooky season!  (And if you haven't yet, consider checking out our previous episodes about Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and Rip Van Winkle.)

This week is a bonus episode! Enjoy hearing about the man who had a family and a few friends, then fell asleep for a while! When he awoke, the world was both similar and different.