We have great news this week - for one, we made it through another 7 days in the hellscape that is life in the 21st century, even though the Death Plume is slowly creeping toward Jackie's house. For another, much more significantly, Bekah got a new mic, which makes our first episode covering William Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night' that much more enjoyable! We bring the early 17th century right here to your ears so you can bask in the glory that was only having to worry about the plague. Rachel has a piece of advice for Brits. Bekah meets Liv Tyler and makes a horrible idiomatic mistake. Jackie is an obnoxious little man jumping around in a Yankees cap. Topics include: ASMR, eat hot chip and lie, mukbang, weird fetishes, tarantula justice, interracial relationships, Giada De Laurentiis, surprise Serbs, gender confusion, himbos, hot twins, useless footnotes, NLOGs, She's the Man, the return of Telemachus, and dunking on H*tler. 

We wrap up the ridiculously child-inappropriate children's story of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi. Host Rachel says it best when she sums it up thusly: sometimes barely anything happens, and sometimes way too much happens. Ain't that just the way? If you, like Bekah, enjoy cruelty towards puppets, you'll enjoy this episode. Rachel is pretty sure some puppets are gay. Bekah is open to ghosts. Jackie begs Rachel to become a donkey for her, just this once. Topics include: Ethiopian proverbs, grapes in wife form, the Island of Invisible Disabilities, a dog that may be alive or dead, Reagan Republicans, a philosophical tuna, Statler and Waldorf, ghost opinions, Pinocchio the atheist, unbelievably polite dolphins, the late great Jim Henson, eating a ton of salt, Ti Voglio Bene Assai (a song so catchy it will ruin your life), the Japanese reality TV show Old Enough, ichthyology, the very serious and never funny phrase 'Mamma Mia!', and how much fun would be worth it to be transfigured into a donkey. 

You know how Rachel's cousin Megan has a mega crush on Jiminy Cricket? Well, now you do. We brought her on to explain herself. Join our Patreon to access the full episode, and other bonuses!

Today, we discuss that seminal work of puppet literature, Pinocchio!  Written by Carlo Collodi in the early 1880s, this is a very, very strange book.  It’s never been faithfully adapted to film, for reasons you’re about to discover.  Also: you’re supposed to learn a lesson, in case you didn’t notice.  We certainly didn’t!  Topics include: nepotism, Jackie’s “British” accent, Year is Odd: Wrath of God, a squawk, Guillermo Del Toro’s unfaithfulness, puppet hate, Elmo, tiny Detroit, gabagool and capeesh, the Godfather himself, haunted wood, Candide for children, Peter Pan, hot cricket summer, Biblical plotholes, Animorphs, and Waffle House.

We're saying goodbye to Theo as our producer and regular feature of the show, but don't worry - we haven't seen the last of him. He'll be back for various special episodes in the future. In the meantime, we hope you'll stick with Jackie and Rachel - we love you, and have a lot planned!

The gang is back for the second half of the most absolutely whackadoodle Christmas story ever written. Sure, in episode 1 all that happened was we met some cute people who prepared for a luncheon, but now we’re looking at murder, mystery, and men with wigs - not to mention an absolute f*ckton of fairies. Rachel is granted a miracle, but wastes it. Jackie has high standards for rain. Theo hatches a harebrained scheme to Christmas-prank his parents. Topics include: creepy narrators, CBD/CBT, lookin’ plumptious, Catholic requirements for canonization, DMT context clues, Italian Gollum, White Lotus, the importance of communication, a family-friendly Get Low remix, praying for child labor, the proper time and place to kick a horse, Stuart Little, LotR, Cyrano de Bergerac, and a Charles Dickens Battle Royale scenario.

After a nice long fall break, we’re back atcha with the third of Dickens’ five Christmas stories! This week we cover the first half of The Cricket on the Hearth: A Fairy Tale of Home. For having such a cute title, this story is surprisingly off the chain and makes us wonder, not for the first time, what Charlie D was smoking on those long nighttime walks of his. Rachel is a good tipper, despite owning a girl-fedora. Jackie teaches an impromptu Yiddish lesson. Theo only wants one thing for Christmas, and it’s new fingers. Topics include: Mary Poppins, QWOP, scary old wizards, FedEx shenanigans, Ye Olde Ugly Clubbe, an excellent Taiwanese brunch, Thievin’ Stephen, the 12 days of Christmas, leg mechanics, Frosty the Carrotman, starfruits, and big furry eyes.

Boy oh boy, do we have a special episode for you!  Today, in a vibes-based episode, we will be discussing the Moomins, amazing creatures created by Finnish writer/artist/anti-fascist Tove Jansson.  These days, you can find the Moomins in TV, anime, movies, books, comics, and represented on basically every type of merch.  We watched “Spring in Moomin Valley,” the first episode of the 1990 Moomin TV show (available on YouTube), and read the first few issues of the newspaper comic strip.  Theo finally hears the best song ever heard.  Jackie solves a long-standing Matt mystery.  Rachel is joined by a very special surprise guest.
Topics include: visits to Houston, Jesus, the Winter War, Immanuel Kant, John Stuart Mill, possession by Moomins, Rousseau, Moomin Land, the Moomin Museum in Tampere, Reddit baby pranks, First Take Theo, Pusha T, maple syrup

Happy belated Halloween, and welcome to Bump Patrol #3 - Monster Blood! We read and enjoy and ponder over RL Stine’s rollicking 1992 monsterpiece. Stay spooky!

Oh look, our 101th episode! In celebration, we kind of just continued doing our thing. It’s what we do best. We give a mini Stoker bio and wrap up the final 9 chapters of Dracula, and things get gayer and gayer. Rachel won’t stop ringing her own bell. Theo revels in life post-sexual awakening. Jackie finally takes control, to disastrous effect. Topics include: child brains, staging a play for copyright reasons, nerdgasms, being American and doing t*rrorism, special dirt, Oscar Wilde’s sodomy trial, the Red-Headed Giant, the Lair of the White Worm, the meaning of the word ‘barmy’, a rapid response party no one came to, breaking your back in a stupid way, the ship of Theseus, an extremely enthusiastic murder-promise, train fiends/friends, a woman doing a man thing, a man doing a woman thing, a man doing a nothing.

Content warnings: homophobia, violence, LOTS of shipping logistics