What if a cruise, but booze? The answer is yes. Who among us doesn't want to be trapped aboard a floating cauldron of disease for an entire week with 700 annoying strangers? It's a siren's call few have the fortitude to resist.

As of this writing, there are 397 different streaming platforms, each one of them ravenous for content. There is no standard for quality, because there are no ratings anymore. It doesn't matter who watches it, as long as it's there. They just want episodes of stuff. Entertainment ballast, basically. We are here to create that ballast. That'll be one billion dollars, Hulu. Make the check payable to "FLAP Holdings, LLC".

There has been... A MURDER!!!! Somewhere, probably. I mean, statistically, someone somewhere just got murdered. But definitely not here on this train. This is a murder-free zone, yessireebob. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend with a bunch of charismatic strangers with mysterious pasts.

We've listened to the people, and the people have demanded MORE pitches of silly things. We're just inundated with mail clamoring for it: "Please, FLAPmen, pitch more silly things to invest in! There's nothing better I can do with my time! I'm sick of my spouse and my children are failures before they're even grown. For the love of god, the only thing I have to live for is these pitches, so please, I'm begging you... pitch... more... silly... things..." That's a quote. An actual quote. We, quite simply, have no choice.

Looking to learn some self-defense? Sure, you could take karate, if you want to beat up some ten-year-olds. But why not try the only FLAP-approved martial art in the world, Son-Batt-Ling? Wait, what am I saying? Go take karate and beat up ten-year-olds!

Art doesn't have to just be pretty pictures. But it should probably be SOMETHING, right? Something that involved some effort or skill? I mean, people can be made to think or feel about anything. Getting humans to do that is not exactly an accomplishment. So maybe your "masterwork" should be more than just a pile of diapers that you don't want to bother getting rid of. I haven't swept my living room in a month; it's not laziness, though, it's an artistic statement. I'm a genius, is what I'm saying.

The secret to do-it-yourself jobs? There is none. There is no skill or knowledge required at all. Just go to the store, buy any random tools you find, then go home and start sawing shit in half. Logic dictates that you will eventually saw whatever the problem was in half, thereby solving it. You're welcome.

Who knows what wonders the future holds? Well, in this case, we all know, because the future we're discussing is actually the present. We're talking about the future, which is the present, as we viewed it in the past. A pretty straightforward episode, honestly.

Okay, hear me out: I know that traditionally, podcasts are used to discuss lazy grifts, assemble the covers of non-existent books, and determine the most delicious fast food meals. You can't throw a rock without hitting a podcast that does at least one of those things, if not all three at the same time. But what if, and believe me, THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL, but what if we discussed a movie... ON A PODCAST?????????? Sounds crazy, I know, but we're gonna give it a try.

Name something better than getting paid not to work. You can't. End blurb.