Full 90 Soccer Time

Russell Wilson completes takeover of Seattle buying part of the Sounders from Joe Roth, which paves the way for linebacker Roman Torres. Listen to Ciara do 1-2 Step-overs while figuring who exactly owns the Sounders now and if we should be cool with this.

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Sounders are facing the two biggest matches of the season and could end up anywhere between second and eighth depending on how it goes. Fan Outrage is BACK and it’s pissed about three matches in eight days. Sounders made two new signings, and playing FIFA might have told us how the next two matches go (hint: Nouhou hat trick)

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No more GAM or TAM, it’s all about what we do with the BAM. Roman Torres got Samurai Jacked and now the Sounders back line us up against it this week. Bruce and the Revolution visit to make Doves Cry. Revs are heading up as Sounders head down, it’ll be a match that could show for both teams what they have in the tank for the rest of the season. Buckle up and  drink your pickle juice, and pray to Brad Evans’ force ghost.

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Have we seen the last of Brad Bradsmith? Sounders get three points in Houston with a Jordan Morris sombrero, and another dude coming untucked, but next up it’s some people from Kansas (or Missouri who tf knows) with a weird old mascot! A new signing could be on the way, but that could mean the end is nearing for our big Swede. Preview the Sporks with us and our Crystal Pepsi Ball!

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Hint - if you see a Portland goalkeeper outside the CenturyLink parking garage, tell him he sucks. We preview the match against Houston who are doing an opposite Sounders, but who effing cares we’re all still mad about last week. Where is Arreaga? Can we all do karate like Zlatan? Buy Clint Dempsey’s house!

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The Sounders play moneybald and it pays off against Atlanta. Learn German and why Harry Shipp is the Charlie Day of Seattle as we break down why Fartland sucks and you NEVER LEAVE AT HALFTIME.

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Sounders are back in Seattle and we burned down an apartment! Not really, but it was close. Seattle faces Atlanta who are playing outside the comfort of Megatron’s Butthole where they haven’t fared too well. Transfer window talk, Cridan Mordan is back, and congrats USWNT who deserve to be the drunkest people ever!

Also. sup Brian?

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Seattle Defiance FC are ok at soccer, but not too great at baseball it turns out. To their own demise, they did not take our advice and start Big Boi up top, or start anybody we thought they would for that matter. Off to Columbus to face an angry toddler coaching a bunch of dudes who may or may not have lost their last 6 (or 7) and still employ Gyasi Zardes.

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Seattle packing up the Young Boi's and sending em to the big city in hopes of some road points. At least one extra "forward" will be available...

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The Sounders’ designated survivor Alfonso Ocampo-Chavez is the last forward left on the roster, and he’s our only hope as the Sounders host Whitecaps in the Chad Marshall Memorial Cup (He’s not dead, just dead to us). Now that he’s retired, can Gregr borrow his hamstrings for karate? Stefan Frei is amped after seeing Aerosmith in Vegas, let’s hope this weekend, he doesn't "...want to miss a thing.”

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