Does your gaslighter HAVE to also be a narcissist in order for you to be experiencing gaslighting? Is it an automatic connection, OR, are there other possibilities?  Can people gaslight, and NOT be a narcissist… is it possible that they may not even be high in narcissistic tendencies?  In today’s episode, Sarah unpacks her copyrighted Gaslighting Scale to help answer these oh-so-important questions.

Sarah wanted to share the importance of working with professionals who can help you sort out where on the scale your gaslighter may be.  Where your person falls on the scale makes a HUGE difference in how you can safely engage with them (if at all).  In addition her workshop, she wanted to let you know about her signature, 12-week program… which she created for this very reason – to help people find clarity and confidence as they navigate if they can safely stay in their relationship with the person that is gaslighting them.  If you’re in the place in your healing journey where you know this is what you need, check out the program here.   

Most of you have heard Sarah’s story, so you know she is a survivor of emotional and psychological abuse.  As such, she would NEVER do anything to minimize the impact gaslighting behaviors have on people.  Impact is NOT in question when she talks about her scale – INTENT, however, is… hang with Sarah for a few minutes while she shares her broken arm analogy with you.

Word of the day: Awareness Vocabulary.com defines aware as having or showing knowledge or understanding or realization (of something or someone).  When it comes to gaslighting, for a long time, the Charles Boyer character from the movie, “Gaslight”, was the epitome of what people thought of when they pictured a gaslighter: someone who is fully aware of what they’re doing, they’re doing the gaslighting behaviors ON PURPOSE, and with the INTENTION to break or control the other person.  When Sarah first started studying gaslighting and came across Dr. Robin Stern’s book, her stomach sank when she realized she had, at times, been gaslighting her kids.  This was the beginning of Sarah challenging this notion that “all gaslighters are narcissists”.

Story Time & Deconstruction Zone: Sarah shares her Gaslighting Scale©, and goes through the levels of awareness, and three groupings of motive/agenda/intents people who do gaslighting behaviors may have, giving examples along the way.

Set Your Alarm: So, how can you use this information as a tool? 

1. Give yourself permission to have BOUNDARIES – whether you have the messy gaslighter or the full-on abusive gaslighter – YOU GET TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED IN ORDER TO BE SAFE! 
2. Get curious about any/all of the gaslighters in your life – where might they fit on this scale? What level of awareness might they have?  What might be their reason/motive/intention behind their behavior?  Getting clear on these things DIRECTLY impact whether or not its safe for you to stay in the relationship and see if the other person can change.  (I have more information around this in both my free workshop – and for deeper work, my 12-week program). 
3. If you’re ready, consider how/where YOU might fit on this scale – are you unknowingly gaslighting anyone else or YOURSELF?
4. For all three of these, get professional help if needed (which is most of us.  LOL)

If you would like to share your story on Sarah’s podcast, get on the list here!

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!