Last week, we asked whether passive-aggressive behavior is always narcissistic. The answer was no — but that still left a big question: how do you actually tell the difference in real time, and what do you do once you know?

This episode gives you both. We go deeper into fear-based and care-based passive aggression — the kind that comes from being afraid of conflict, or from truly not wanting to hurt someone's feelings — and we talk honestly about how this pattern can show up even in survivors of covert narcissistic abuse themselves.

Then we get practical. You'll learn how to actually identify passive-aggressive behavior in the moment, starting with that gut feeling when someone's words and their energy don't match. We walk through how to gently call it out without turning it into a fight, and how to read the response you get back — because the response, not the original behavior, is what actually tells you whether you're dealing with fear, care, or control.

Finally, we get into what to actually do about it — in romantic relationships, with family, with friends, and at work — depending on what you find.

What you'll learn: how to spot the internal signal that something's off, tools for identifying passive-aggressive behavior in real time, exactly what "gently calling it out" sounds like in real conversations, how to read someone's response to tell fear from control, and practical next steps for every relationship in your life.

P.S. — I'm opening two new coaching groups: Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse and High-Conflict Divorce. And my book, This Is Not Okay, releases next month. Head to covertnarcissism.com to learn more about both.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. I share stories from my personal experience as well as from those I've talked with over several years. This material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or claim that any specific person is a narcissist.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Did they make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself? In this episode of the Covert Narcissism Podcast, Renee Swanson reads through real responses from her Covert Narcissism Group — the private Facebook community she started in 2018 — after asking members one question: what do you do now, just because you enjoy it?

From napping and puzzles to solo walks, quiet mornings, and leaving the dishes in the sink, this episode explores how survivors of covert narcissistic abuse are reclaiming the small joys that were once used against them. Renee breaks down why covert narcissists sabotage self-care and autonomy, why "he doesn't say anything" can still be a form of control, and the real difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt — and how to finally tell toxic guilt to take a hike.

If you've ever felt guilty for taking a bath, going to a yoga class, or just sitting still and doing nothing, this episode is for you. Learn how to recognize toxic guilt, reclaim your right to rest, and start rebuilding the autonomy that covert narcissistic relationships take away.

Looking for support? Join Renee's free, closed Facebook group, Covert Narcissism Group, to connect with others healing from narcissistic abuse. Ready for the next step? Learn more about Renee's coaching program at www.covertnarcissism.com.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case.

This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Ever asked someone "are you okay?" and gotten a four-syllable "I'm fine" that clearly meant the opposite? That's passive-aggressive behavior — and it's one of the sneakiest patterns to name out loud, because it's built to be deniable.

In this episode, we break down the real signs of passive-aggressive behavior across relationships, family, friendships, and work — with specific examples you'll recognize immediately. Then we tackle the question listeners ask constantly: is all passive-aggressive behavior narcissistic?

The honest answer is no. Some people are passive-aggressive because they're genuinely afraid of conflict, not because they're trying to manipulate you. But fear-based or not, passive aggression still blocks the thing every real relationship needs — open, honest conversation. We'll walk through how to tell a scared communicator from a controlling one, and what to do either way.

What you'll learn: how to spot passive-aggressive behavior in real time, the difference between fear-based and narcissistic passive aggression, and why "they're not a narcissist" doesn't mean you have to live with the silent treatment.

If you've been listening, learning, and starting to see the patterns — but still feel stuck in the same cycles — that's not because you're missing information. It's because this isn't something you're meant to untangle alone. There's a point where understanding is not enough, and you need support in actually moving through it. If you're there, I invite you to work with me. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment. If you're ready to take the next step toward healing, check out my coaching services at www.covertnarcissism.com. I am here and ready to help. And don't forget to subscribe for more empowering episodes like this one.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. I share stories from my personal experience as well as from those I've talked with over several years. This material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or claim that any specific person is a narcissist.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What if the episode you already listened to still has more to teach you the second time around?

In this throwback episode of the Covert Narcissism Podcast, Renee revisits one of the most-requested episodes in the show's history — the original breakdown of the six types of narcissism: grandiose, vulnerable, malignant, communal, somatic, and cerebral. Instead of just replaying it, she reads back her own words from a year and a half ago and reframes them with everything she's learned since, including sharper insight into how covert narcissism shows up differently across each type, and what those patterns actually cost the people living with them.

In this episode, you'll learn:

If you've ever felt like you understand narcissistic behavior but something still isn't fully clicking, this one's for you — sometimes the same words hit differently the second time around.

Ready for support applying what you're learning? Explore coaching at www.covertnarcissism.com.

This episode is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or clinical care.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism doesn't just create crisis moments — it leaves your nervous system stuck in a chronic state of hypervigilance long after the argument ends. You can get good at managing the spike, catching yourself mid-reaction, and still lie awake at night with your jaw clenched and your shoulders up around your ears for no reason at all.

In this episode on narcissistic abuse recovery, Renee explains allostatic load — what happens when a nervous system adapts to years of walking on eggshells, gaslighting, and unpredictable moods in a covert narcissistic relationship, and never fully comes back down. She breaks down what chronic hypervigilance actually looks like from the inside, what it does to the body physically, and introduces eight new tools for lowering your baseline over time: Worry Spot, Villain Voice, Letter to Future You, The Doorway Reset, The Off-Duty Ritual, Compliment Jar, The Do-Nothing Timer, and The Petty Playlist.

This is part two of a two-part series on covert narcissism and fight or flight. If you haven't heard part one, start there for eight in-the-moment crisis tools built for the spike itself.

If you've been listening, learning, and starting to see the patterns of narcissistic abuse in your relationship — but still feel stuck in the same cycles of emotional dysregulation and self-doubt — that's not because you're missing information. It's because this isn't something you're meant to untangle alone. If you're ready to take the next step toward healing, I invite you to check out my coaching program at www.covertnarcissism.com. And if this episode helped, please subscribe so you don't miss what's next.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Ever ignored a gut feeling on a date because you wanted to "give him a chance"? In this episode, I'm sharing a conversation from Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse — host Dr. Kerry McAvoy sits down with Dr. Jennie Young, a PhD linguist and creator of the viral Burned Haystack Dating Method, to break down how the words men use in dating profiles and early text messages expose who they really are before you've ever met in person.

Dr. Young holds a PhD in rhetoric and discourse studies, specializing in critical discourse analysis — the study of how language reveals what people don't want you to know. In this episode, she shows you how to spot manipulation, love-bombing, and red flags in dating apps and texting before you invest your time and heart.

If you're rebuilding trust in your own instincts and want practical tools for reading between the lines in online dating, this episode is for you.

Guest: Dr. Jennie Young, author of Burn the Haystack: Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter — Instagram: @word_case_scenario

Originally aired on: Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse, hosted by Dr. Kerry McAvoy (kerrymcavoyphd.com)

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If you've ever felt your chest tighten before your phone even finishes ringing, or braced for a reaction before you've said a single word — you already know what fight or flight feels like in a covert narcissistic relationship. It's rarely one dramatic moment. It's the accumulation: a grocery store phone call, an ordinary dinner plan, a night class — small moments that train your nervous system to expect danger from everyday life.

In this episode, part one of a two-part series on fight or flight and narcissistic abuse recovery, Renee breaks down what's actually happening in your body during a fight or flight response, why hypervigilance develops after covert narcissistic abuse, and how this response can show up as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Then she walks through eight in-the-moment tools you can reach for the next time your body starts to spiral — including the Curiosity Tool, the Match & Release technique, and six additional grounding and nervous system regulation strategies for moments when you need something quieter, faster, or less visible.

This episode focuses entirely on crisis management — what to do right now, in the moment. Part two will cover prevention: the daily practices that lower your baseline over time so these moments happen less often, and hit softer when they do.

To revisit a previous episode that breaks down the 4 F's of the fight/flight response, check out Why Your Fight or Flight Response Turned Into Fawning

If you've been listening, learning, and starting to see the patterns in your relationship — but still feel stuck in the same cycles — that's not because you're missing information. It's because this isn't something you're meant to untangle alone. If you're ready to take the next step toward healing, I invite you to check out my coaching program at covertnarcissism.com. And if this episode helped, please subscribe so you don't miss part two next week.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

In Part 2 of this CNG Community Chat, Renee Swanson continues the conversation with three parents navigating parental alienation and covert narcissistic abuse — this time focused on how to protect the relationship with the children they still have access to, and how to hold onto hope with the ones they don't.

The conversation opens with a powerful explanation of why alienation happens the way it does: narcissists often break down the other parent first, creating chaos and instability, so they can step in as the "fun" or "stable" one by comparison — making it far harder for kids to see the dynamic clearly. From there, each parent shares the practical, day-to-day ways they protect their bond with their children: keeping conversations about each child separate from conflict with an ex, using books and movies like Beauty and the Beast and Tangled to name manipulation and control without directly attacking the other parent, working with trauma-informed therapists, and learning to let anger be an acceptable emotion after years of suppressing it.

They also talk honestly about grief — the grief of losing access to a child, the grief of not being believed, and the importance of giving yourself (and your kids) permission not to have all the answers. One parent shares the advice that reframed everything for him: "your child is just the messenger," and how staying present with the child in front of you matters more than fighting every battle in the moment.

This episode is a continuation of Part 1 — if you haven't listened yet, start there for the full context. Whether you're facing active alienation, co-parenting with a narcissist, or working to rebuild trust with an estranged child, this conversation offers validation, practical strategies, and the reminder that healing is possible.

To work with Renee, visit her website at www.covertnarcissism.com

The Covert Narcissism Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here should be taken as professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis or need support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This isn't my story anymore. It's ours.

In this solo episode, I'm finally announcing something I've been sitting on for a long time: my book, This Is Not Okay: Escaping the Invisible Grip of Covert Narcissistic Abuse, is coming this fall.

I walk you through the five stages this book moves through — the same stages so many of us move through on the way to healing from covert narcissistic abuse: recognizing, understanding, seeing, untangling, and reclaiming. I share what's inside each stage, including a few passages straight from the pages.

But more than anything, this episode is about why this was never just my story to tell. From the moment I realized I wasn't the only one living this nightmare, this became about neighbor helping neighbor — about building a community where no survivor has to heal alone. I talk about CNG, our Facebook group, group coaching, and what happened at this year's retreat in Colorado, which was the best one we've had yet.

If you've ever minimized what you were living through because no one was yelling and nothing was bleeding — this episode, and this book, are for you. To work with Renee Swanson, visit her website at www.covertnarcissism.com

As always, I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

The stories and examples in this book are drawn from the author's professional experience working with survivors of covert narcissistic abuse. To protect the privacy of those individuals, names, locations, and identifying details have been changed or omitted. Some individuals portrayed are composites of multiple people, and some dialogue and events have been reconstructed or condensed to convey their essential meaning. Any resemblance to any specific, identifiable individual is unintentional.

This book is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute legal, financial, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be treated as a substitute for professional guidance. Renee Swanson is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional. If you are experiencing abuse or struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a qualified professional or trusted support resource.

The author and publisher assume no liability for any actions taken or not taken based on the content of this book.

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In this CNG Community Chat, host Renee Swanson sits down with three parents who are living through one of the most painful experiences a parent can face: watching a child be turned against them. This conversation covers parental alienation, covert narcissism, high-conflict divorce, and co-parenting with a narcissistic ex — and the very real toll it takes on the parent-child relationship.

Each parent shares the moment they first recognized what was happening. One mother describes how truths that surfaced during her divorce led her adult daughter to accuse her of "victim shaming" her father, and how setting boundaries afterward resulted in being cut off entirely. A stepfather describes an abrupt separation after twelve years, being blindsided in court, and watching his stepson slowly pull away after being fed misinformation about his health and character. Another mother walks through a slow, multi-year alienation across four children — three of whom are now living full-time with their father after being coached to testify against her in family court.

Together, they talk through the patterns that show up again and again in covert narcissistic abuse: the push-pull dynamic with adult children, the "Disneyland parent" effect where boundaries and rules drive kids toward the more permissive parent, how narcissists destabilize the other parent first to make themselves look like the stable one, and why children often side with whichever parent they're most afraid of losing — not the parent who is actually safe.

This episode is honest, unfiltered, and validating for anyone currently experiencing parental alienation, co-parenting conflict, or estrangement from a child due to narcissistic abuse. If you're in the middle of this right now, you are not alone. To work with Renee Swanson, visit www.covertnarcissism.com

The Covert Narcissism Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here should be taken as professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis or need support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

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