The Covert Narcissism Podcast

Covert narcissism often comes down to one simple question: who in your relationship is afraid to disagree? Renee walks through five everyday scenes: a restaurant, a mutual friend, the family dog, a wedding, and the car radio. Each one shows how a small difference of opinion can turn into an hour-long lecture, a loyalty test, the silent treatment, or an explosion. Over time, the person on the receiving end learns that staying quiet is the only way to keep the peace, and life becomes a constant walk on eggshells.

Renee explains why narcissistic people state their opinions as facts. Disagreement threatens their need to be right, to be admired, and to control the narrative. She also explains how covert narcissists disagree without saying a word, through sighing, pouting, withdrawal, and playing the victim. She describes what healthy disagreement is supposed to teach us, why it's not your fault if you never got the chance to learn it, and why keeping the peace is not the same thing as being peaceful. The episode closes with reflection questions to help cut through the fog of gaslighting and bring clarity to your own narcissistic abuse recovery.

If you're ready for support on your healing journey, learn more about Renee's coaching program at www.covertnarcissism.com. And if this episode spoke to you, subscribe to the show so you never miss a new episode.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when an AI questions the story of someone who has spent years not being believed? In part two of this conversation, Renee and Anne Wintemute, founder of Aimee Says, look at how some AI tools push back on users in subtle ways, like "if it happened the way you say," and why that can feel a lot like gaslighting to survivors of covert narcissism.

Anne explains how to move past validation to the question "now what?" and how survivors can use AI to organize journals, screenshots, and years of co-parenting messages in one place. She introduces Aimee Detects, a new feature that analyzes a full communication record for patterns of coercive control. She and Renee also talk honestly about how AI use can help or hurt you in a high-conflict divorce or family court case, why you need to stay in the driver's seat, and why privacy matters so much when you choose an AI tool.

If you'd like to give Aimee Says a try, here is the link. Use Renee's discount code RENEE for $20 off. Right now, that's the equivalent of your first month free.

If you're on your own narcissistic abuse recovery journey and want more support, Renee's coaching program is a great next step. Learn more at www.covertnarcissism.com. And if this conversation helped you, make sure you're subscribed so you never miss an episode.

The Covert Narcissism Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here should be taken as professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis or need support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism doesn't only show up between adults. It can shape how a parent relates to their own child. In this episode, Renee unpacks what happens when a parent can't hold the adult role in a disagreement, using a real client story about a mother who argues with her two-year-old daughter as though they were siblings.

Renee traces this back to the same "on purpose" pattern she's experienced firsthand — where neutral, even funny moments get reinterpreted as personal attacks — and explores what this pattern does to a child's emotional development, and what it's like to watch it unfold as the other parent in the room.

If you're navigating narcissistic abuse recovery and want support building a healthier path forward for yourself or your family, learn more about coaching at www.covertnarcissism.com.

Subscribe to the Covert Narcissism Podcast so you don't miss an episode.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism survivors are turning to AI for support, but what happens when it gets your story wrong? In this episode, Renee welcomes back Anne Wintemute, founder of Aimee Says, an AI tool built specifically for people who are in, or recovering from, controlling, manipulative, and abusive relationships.

Anne explains why AI can only be as accurate as the context you give it, and why a missing detail can lead it to a conclusion that feels deeply invalidating to someone in narcissistic abuse recovery. She and Renee talk about the real benefits and pitfalls of AI, why you can't hand over your judgment, and what "AI readability" means for the co-parenting messages you send today. They also cover one of the most painful mistakes an AI can make: confusing which person is the high-conflict one. As Anne puts it, the clearest sign of coercive control is which person feels it isn't safe to disagree.

If you'd like to give Aimee Says a try, here is the link. Use the discount code RENEE for $20 off. Right now, that's the equivalent of your first month free.

If this episode resonates with you and you're ready for deeper support on your own healing journey, Renee's coaching program is a place to start. Learn more at www.covertnarcissism.com. And so you don't miss part two of this conversation, make sure you're subscribed to the show.

The Covert Narcissism Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here should be taken as professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis or need support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism rarely says sorry out loud. Instead, it hands you a gift, plans a nice dinner, or turns on a sudden burst of affection — and calls it even. Renee Swanson breaks down why these gestures work like a reset button, closing the incident without ever offering the three things a real apology requires: accountability, humility, and vulnerability.

She reads a personal story from her upcoming book, This Is Not Okay, about watching her own son learn to accept a Sonic slushie in place of an apology from his father — and traces that pattern all the way back to how children are taught, from the playground on, to say "it's okay" when something wasn't. If you've ever mistaken flowers for an apology, walked on eggshells waiting to see which version of them came home, or found yourself gaslit into gratitude after being hurt, this episode gives you language for what's actually happening in your narcissistic abuse recovery — and a better way to respond, both in your relationships and with the kids in your life.

Ready to go deeper in your healing? Join Renee's coaching community at www.covertnarcissism.com. And if this episode resonated, subscribe to the Covert Narcissism Podcast so you never miss what's next.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism recovery isn't just about understanding what happened to you — it's about finding your way back to yourself. In part two of this conversation, Renee continues talking with psychotherapist and author Amy Lewis Bear, picking up right at the emotional core of this discussion: vulnerability, and why it's often the very thing survivors of narcissistic abuse recovery are most afraid to offer again.

Amy shares two powerful stories from her own therapy practice — clients who spent years walking on eggshells and shrinking themselves inside relationships marked by trauma bonding and emotional dysregulation, and who eventually found the strength to reclaim their voice. She and Renee also talk candidly about why people often carry old defense mechanisms into new relationships, why healing takes real time before trusting again feels safe, and why so many survivors feel guilty just for being happy.

You can learn more about Amy and her work at:

http://www.amylewisbear.com/

www.linkedin.com/in/abearcounselor/ 

http://www.youtube.com/@therapywhenlovefeelshard

If you're on your own healing journey and want more support, Renee's coaching program is a great next step — learn more at www.covertnarcissism.com. And if this conversation moved you, make sure you're subscribed so you never miss an episode.

The Covert Narcissism Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here should be taken as professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis or need support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism doesn't always look like yelling or control — sometimes it's a completely ordinary conversation that somehow ends with you defending yourself against something you never said. This is what I call a circular conversation: every word you say gets fed through a filter that isn't listening to you, it's listening for a reason to feel attacked, or a reason to be right.

Using real, everyday examples — a comment about milk, a text about being home around 6 — I walk through exactly how neutral statements get twisted into accusations, why doing this to your spouse, the person who's supposed to be your safest relationship, is the opposite of benefit of the doubt, and why clarifying never actually resolves it. If you've ever walked away from a conversation with your partner feeling like you did something wrong but can't name what it was, this episode will finally give you language for it.

Ready to stop feeling crazy in your own relationship? Learn more about coaching at www.covertnarcissism.com.

And if this episode helped you feel less alone, subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. I share stories from my personal experience as well as from those I've talked with over several years. This material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or claim that any specific person is a narcissist.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Covert narcissism doesn't always look like screaming matches or dramatic blowups — sometimes it looks like a slow, quiet erosion of who you are. In this episode, Renee sits down with psychotherapist and author Amy Lewis Bear, who has spent nearly twenty years helping people through narcissistic abuse recovery and emotionally abusive relationships, and who has lived through this pattern herself.

Amy is the author of From Charm to Harm: The Guide to Spotting, Naming, and Stopping Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships, where she identified more than fifty subtle tactics — including gaslighting — used to keep a partner off balance. In her brand-new book, When Loving You Means Losing Me: How to Escape the Echo Complex and Reclaim Your Sense of Self, she names a condition so many survivors feel but have never had words for: the gradual loss of identity that comes from constantly walking on eggshells around someone who cannot tolerate emotional intimacy.

In this first half of their conversation, Amy shares her own story of losing herself in her first marriage, traces the origins of the term Echo Complex back to Greek mythology, and explains the crucial difference between having narcissistic traits and receiving an actual narcissism diagnosis — and why that distinction never erases the very real damage of trauma bonding and emotional dysregulation in these relationships.

You can learn more about Amy and her work at:

http://www.amylewisbear.com/

www.linkedin.com/in/abearcounselor/ 

http://www.youtube.com/@therapywhenlovefeelshard

If this episode resonates with you and you're ready for deeper support on your own healing journey, Renee's coaching program is a place to start — learn more at www.covertnarcissism.com. And if you don't want to miss part two of this conversation, make sure you're subscribed to the show.

The Covert Narcissism Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here should be taken as professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis or need support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Last week, we asked whether passive-aggressive behavior is always narcissistic. The answer was no — but that still left a big question: how do you actually tell the difference in real time, and what do you do once you know?

This episode gives you both. We go deeper into fear-based and care-based passive aggression — the kind that comes from being afraid of conflict, or from truly not wanting to hurt someone's feelings — and we talk honestly about how this pattern can show up even in survivors of covert narcissistic abuse themselves.

Then we get practical. You'll learn how to actually identify passive-aggressive behavior in the moment, starting with that gut feeling when someone's words and their energy don't match. We walk through how to gently call it out without turning it into a fight, and how to read the response you get back — because the response, not the original behavior, is what actually tells you whether you're dealing with fear, care, or control.

Finally, we get into what to actually do about it — in romantic relationships, with family, with friends, and at work — depending on what you find.

What you'll learn: how to spot the internal signal that something's off, tools for identifying passive-aggressive behavior in real time, exactly what "gently calling it out" sounds like in real conversations, how to read someone's response to tell fear from control, and practical next steps for every relationship in your life.

P.S. — I'm opening two new coaching groups: Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse and High-Conflict Divorce. And my book, This Is Not Okay, releases next month. Head to covertnarcissism.com to learn more about both.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. I share stories from my personal experience as well as from those I've talked with over several years. This material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or claim that any specific person is a narcissist.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Did they make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself? In this episode of the Covert Narcissism Podcast, Renee Swanson reads through real responses from her Covert Narcissism Group — the private Facebook community she started in 2018 — after asking members one question: what do you do now, just because you enjoy it?

From napping and puzzles to solo walks, quiet mornings, and leaving the dishes in the sink, this episode explores how survivors of covert narcissistic abuse are reclaiming the small joys that were once used against them. Renee breaks down why covert narcissists sabotage self-care and autonomy, why "he doesn't say anything" can still be a form of control, and the real difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt — and how to finally tell toxic guilt to take a hike.

If you've ever felt guilty for taking a bath, going to a yoga class, or just sitting still and doing nothing, this episode is for you. Learn how to recognize toxic guilt, reclaim your right to rest, and start rebuilding the autonomy that covert narcissistic relationships take away.

Looking for support? Join Renee's free, closed Facebook group, Covert Narcissism Group, to connect with others healing from narcissistic abuse. Ready for the next step? Learn more about Renee's coaching program at www.covertnarcissism.com.

The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes and not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a health care provider for guidance specific to your case.

This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experiences as well as from those she has talked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and information provided.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.