This episode explores one of the most insidious aspects of emotional abuse: shame offloading. 

When someone can’t face their own emotional wounds—whether it’s failure, inadequacy, or internal contradictions—they often project that pain onto the person closest to them. 

You become the emotional scapegoat, the one who’s blamed, punished, or humiliated—not because you did something wrong, but because they can’t sit with their own discomfort.

I walk through how this dynamic shows up in abusive relationships, how it fractures your sense of safety and self, and why the nervous system starts to adapt to the abuse as a form of survival. 

I explore how abusers develop internal scripts to justify their behavior, how survivors unconsciously internalize those scripts, and what it takes to start breaking that pattern.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Why do emotionally abusive people double down on false narratives, deny reality, and convince themselves they’re the victim—even when they’re causing visible harm?

I'm joined by Paul Colaianni, host of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse podcasts and creator of The Healed Being program, one of the few resources for people who have been emotionally abusive and genuinely want to change.

We unpack one of the most confusing dynamics in abusive relationships: the distorted thinking that abusers use to justify their behavior and the self-protective systems that keep them from taking accountability.

We cover:

• Why abusers truly believe their own version of reality
• The psychology of self-righteousness, control, and emotional arrogance
• How survivors internalize blame and begin to question their own kindness
• The painful tipping point between self-sacrifice and self-protection
• What real change actually looks like—and why it often comes after the survivor walks away

Resources mentioned:

• The Mean Workbook by Paul Colaianni: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.gumroad.com/l/jkSo
• Jessica’s Boundaries Deep Dive + 1:1 Validation Calls: emotionalabusecoach.com
• The Unhooked Private Podcast & Course on the Cycle of Abuse: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/courses/unhooked

Work with me:
 emotionalabusecoach.com
highconflictdivorcecoaching.com

Subscribe to my Substack:
 jessicaknightcoaching.substack.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode takes you inside the lived experience of emotional abuse. The story captures how emotional dysregulation, boundary violations, and false repair cycles can slowly erode a person’s sense of self.

We discuss how the classic cycle of abuse—tension, explosion, and reconciliation—can unfold in covert ways, leaving the survivor walking on eggshells, questioning their reality, and constantly managing someone else’s emotional state at the expense of their own.

This is not a story of screaming or slamming doors. It’s a story of slow erasure, hypervigilance, and the quiet agony of never being allowed to just be.

Resources Mentioned:

• Unhooked, a private podcast on mapping your personal cycle of abuse
• Coaching, courses, and more support at emotionalabusecoach.com
• More content on Substack: JessicaKnightCoaching.Substack.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

There’s a version of abuse that presents as calm and reasonable. It doesn’t look chaotic, and at first, it doesn’t even feel that way. It feels quiet and measured. It sounds like someone who wants to work through things. Someone who seems thoughtful and emotionally attuned.

Under the surface, there’s control, pressure, and a constant pull to make you question whether your reactions are valid, whether your needs are too much, and whether you’re the one creating the problem.

In this episode, I share a case study from my own experience—one that illustrates how the cycle of emotional abuse can play out through over-explaining, emotional caretaking, and subtle self-betrayal.

If you’ve ever felt like your nervous system was screaming while your partner calmly told you everything was fine, this episode will help you name what’s happening.

This episode is part of Unhooked, my private podcast series on mapping the cycle of abuse—especially the kind that doesn’t look like abuse from the outside.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I share the story that shaped everything: how I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, how I stayed, and how I finally saw it for what it was.

This is the manipulation I didn’t see—until I did.

I talk about the slow unraveling of my reality, the gaslighting, the shame, the trauma bond, and the hope that kept me stuck. I explain how I lost myself piece by piece, how I started to map the cycle, and what it took to finally break free.

If you’ve ever felt confused, blamed, minimized, or like nothing you do is ever enough, I hope you hear your own clarity in this episode. You're not overreacting. You're not imagining it. You're not the problem. You’re waking up—and once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Thank you for being here with me. I hope my story helps you see yours more clearly.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

If you’ve ever felt like you were stuck in a relationship that kept repeating the same painful patterns—no matter how much you tried to fix it—this episode is for you.

In this episode, learn how the cycle of abuse plays out in emotionally abusive relationships—not as a clean four-part theory, but as a lived, messy, repetitive trap that keeps survivors hooked through false hope and temporary calm.

You’ll learn:

• How to identify your specific version of the abuse cycle
• Why tension, incident, reconciliation, and “calm” aren’t always linear
• How abusers manipulate the calm phase to keep you hooked
• What it means when someone is addicted to reconciling, not repairing
• How to start mapping your own cycle—so you can break it

This is not about blaming you. It’s about giving you the clarity you were never allowed to have.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This is one of the most common—and most heartbreaking—questions I hear: Can a narcissist change? In this episode of You Are Not Crazy, I’m walking you through the reality behind that question.

The short answer? Maybe—but almost never.

Real change requires emotional accountability, humility, and deep psychological work… and most narcissists aren’t willing to do that. Not because they can’t—but because they don’t see the need. In this episode, we explore why narcissistic change is so rare, how survivors get stuck waiting for the version of their partner that never existed, and what it means to reclaim your clarity instead of waiting for someone else's transformation.

I also share a personal reflection on what helped me break free from the fantasy of potential and face the truth of what was in front of me.

You’ll learn:

• Why even accurate criticism feels unbearable to a narcissist
• What it actually takes to change—and why most won’t
• How the trauma bond keeps you holding on
• How to stop waiting and start healing

✨ This episode pairs with my new course Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse, designed to help you make sense of the chaos and see your relationship clearly. Find it at emotionalabusecoach.com.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

When you're breaking a trauma bond or coming to terms with the end of a manipulative relationship, it doesn’t just bruise you—it shatters something inside. This kind of grief defies logic. You’re not just mourning a relationship. You’re grieving the version of you who believed in it, the future you imagined, and the love you gave so fully.

I walk through what this heartbreak really is—and what it isn’t. It’s not weakness. It’s not over-sensitivity. It’s a nervous system crash after prolonged emotional chaos. It’s what happens when your love was real, but the relationship was built on manipulation, betrayal, or broken promises.

Inside this episode:

• Why grief after narcissistic abuse feels unbearable
• The emotional rollercoaster of detaching from someone who hurt you
• How shame, self-blame, and rumination keep you stuck
• Why you still miss them, even when they treated you badly
• A reminder that your pain is a reflection of your depth—not a flaw

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

What happens when the person you fought so hard to love turns out to be incapable of loving you back? What do you do with the grief, the self-doubt, and the tidal wave of confusion that follows?

In this raw and deeply personal episode, I unpack what it means to love someone with traits of Cluster B personality disorders—specifically, narcissistic and borderline features—and why walking away doesn’t bring immediate peace. I share the story of how my relationship ended, the impossible ultimatum I was given, and the unraveling that came after.

We explore:

• Why you still miss them even though they hurt you
• The reality of trauma bonding and emotional addiction
• What it means to be with someone who can imitate love but not sustain it
• The devastation of being blamed for everything, including their own behavior
• The disorienting grief that follows when you're mourning the illusion, not the reality
• What healing actually looks like when you finally choose yourself

This episode is for anyone who left a relationship and still doesn’t understand why it hurts so much. For the person who can’t stop blaming themselves. For the survivor who is starting to realize: it wasn’t you. It was never you.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

We dive into the Trauma Bond: how it forms, why it's so hard to leave, and what recovery really looks like. This isn't just about red flags or textbook definitions. This is about the lived experience—the confusion, the craving for relief, the grief that shows up even when you finally leave.

I walk through the invisible hooks that keep survivors attached: intermittent reinforcement, emotional manipulation disguised as love, and the powerful conditioning that teaches us to find safety in what's familiar—even when it hurts. I also share pieces of my own story, including what it felt like to be silenced, blamed, and slowly erased in a relationship that mirrored old wounds I hadn’t yet healed.

You’ll hear about:

• The difference between love and emotional captivity
• How trauma bonds are wired into your nervous system
• Why you still miss them even after they hurt you
• What gaslighting does to your sense of self
• How to begin un-gaslighting yourself and rebuild your truth

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner