That apology felt so real. Maybe they cried. Maybe they finally said the words you’ve been waiting to hear. But deep down… something still felt off. 😔
In this episode, we're breaking down the narcissist’s apology trap—why it feels comforting, why your brain wants to believe it, and why it's usually just a sneaky form of control.
The 3 common types of fake apologies
Why even smart, strong women fall for them
How to protect yourself with clarity and calm
🎧 Hit play to get the clarity (and closure) you deserve.
<"Grey Rock Method" episode mentioned> https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ever get an apology from the narcissist that made your heart flutter, like maybe they finally get it and then a week later you're back in the same damn mess. Yes. Today we are breaking down the narcissist apology trap, why it feels so healing and why it's usually nothing more than manipulation in disguise. Hang tight, this is going to be a good one. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted.
Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you so steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. So I have been there. I have been there. I have been there. You are not alone in this. I've had a couple narcissists in my life and one that I dated was really, really good at apologies because he made them feel really real and very emotional. He would usually pair apologies with flowers or a poem or cookies, my favorite thing, but it always came back to that same spot. He would even cry. There were tears shed, right? And this was a tough guy. So you're like, man, he really cares. He said the right things. I felt seen, heard, validated. In those moments, it felt like closure, like maybe the person who hurt me was becoming who I wanted him to be. Can you relate?
It's this emotional high when someone who broke you finally says, I'm sorry, your nervous system wants to actually believe that, right? It's not weakness, it's human nature, craving safety and repair. So it actually makes sense and we're here to talk a little more deeply about it. So most narcissist apologies are not about you. I'm going to say it again. Most narcissistic apologies are not you. They are about regaining control. I mean, you could even write this down. Get a pen, ladies and gents, okay? They're about regaining control, resetting the narrative or reeling you back in, which essentially is gaining control, right? So there's three common types of fake apologies. Okay? The narc apologies, we'll call 'em. The first one is the vague one. I'm sorry for whatever made you feel that way. Okay, stop. Just don't even bother apologizing if that's your move. There's no accountability.
Then there's the second type, the flip one. Okay? It's just like dismissive. I said I was sorry, can we move on? I remember one of the narcs in my life said, can't you just get over it? Literally said, can't you just get over it? That was the response. So they're using the apology as a silencing tool. They want to silence you so they don't have to deal with you anymore. And the third is the strategic one. This is delivered at the perfect time. When you're pulling away, when you're setting those boundaries or gaining strength, they smell it. They hate it. So they're going to deliver the strategic one at the perfect time. They sense you're getting out of their control and what do they want to do? Gain control. They can't stand not having control of you. So real apologies are backed by change, period.
That's it. Real apologies are backed by change. A narcissist version is often what we call a performative apology. It is not a promise. It's not I'm going to change my behavior. It's a lot of lip service. It's a lot of, let me just say what they want to hear and move this along because I'm not enjoying this, right? It's not benefiting them, and that's what they want. They want to benefit themselves and have control. So this is why you still fall for it though. Let's talk some brain science here, which isn't technically my specialty, but I've done a lot of work, a lot of research, and we're going to dive in lightly into the brain science. If you want further brain science, go find a doctor. So when we are trauma bonded, apologies, feel like relief. And I know you know what I'm talking about. Your brain feels these feel good chemicals. It's like a release, and that's a dopamine. When there is hope of connection or safety, even if it's from someone who's harmed you, right? Our brain does not discriminate. It's just like, Ooh, hope or safety, yes, come over here. Feels so good. It's just like whatever happened before, it just wants desperately to feel that safety. The good dopamine hit. Everybody wants that dopamine hit.
So this isn't your fault. It's conditioning. It's survival wiring because especially when you have been so low, it's almost like it wants it even more, right? It's like, let's say you're falling really, really, really deep in the mud. You get more and more desperate to feel good. You're scared. It feels gross. I dunno if you've ever fallen in mud, it's not the most pleasant thing. So the deeper you're going, you're just like, oh God, I really want to get it. It's one thing you got your toe in there. It's a whole different story when you're up to your shoulders in mud and someone reaches out their hand and they're like, yeah, I'm going to help you. I'm going to give you a hit of joy by pulling you out of this. Okay? That's what's happened to us. So it's not your fault recognizing the pattern.
That's your power though. That's where you get the more permanent dopamine, the more permanent joy by recognizing the pattern. So you can what? Come on class, protect your peace. Stick with me. You'll be saying protect your peace or talking about that golden peace bubble all the time. So here's two practical steps you can take with you. Number one, pause before you react. So you want to sit with your gut before responding. You don't let emotion take the wheel. And this can be hard. I know narcs make us all sorts of emotional messes, right? And so this can take time, but try to remember to pause before you react at all and then ask what has changed? This is very important. I really do hope you are taking notes on this one. What has changed if nothing in their behavior has shifted consistently, consistently over time? What's that? Consistently? Yeah, the apology is lip service. We're not talking about a change. The guy I was dating, Narcos, I'll call him, I don't know. That just came to my lips. I never liked to say anyone's true identity here. So we call him Narcos.
No, he was really, like I said, he's good at apologizing and I'd say he had a pretty good cycle of about a month where he'd try to be on better behavior and change, and it would make me be like, oh, look, he's been not canceling plans as much, or, oh, he included me in this, or, oh, he was talking nice about me in front of his friends. Lucky girl. The bar was pretty low. But you get these little dopamine hits because they give you the little carrots, right? If you don't know about the carrots, we can do an episode on carrots. They give you these little carrots of like, oh, just these little glimmers, little shimmers that make you just want more because you want to get their love. You want their approval. You want to feel that shiny bright thing that they give you a little bit of.
You want more because it feels good because that's normal, right? It's normal to feel good when people make you feel good. So he would, I mean, it would probably, I'd say three to four weeks, and not everyone might have that specific of a cycle, but I noticed he did when I started reeling out of the relationship, which took me a while, but at the end for me, it did take me, I mean, really cracking and saying, he's not changing. I really, I had reached rock bottom and was like, I'm so miserable. He is not changing. He keeps saying he's going to. So have they consistently changed over time for the better? No. That apologies bullshit then.
So that's how we have to look at these apologies. It can help to do pausing, asking what has changed. You can forgive without giving access. You can release without reopening the door so you can forgive someone. I have forgiven people. That doesn't mean I want to be in any sort of relationship with them. When someone apologizes and it's empty, it is empty. Think about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm tears. I'm flowers. I'm, here's some chicken nuggets from Wendy's with barbecue. Oh, sorry, was that just me? No, it's empty. I'm asking you to change your behavior. I have literally said to people, I think it's because I've had a couple narcs in my life that apologies are so bullshitty that I'm just so over them that I have said to people, healthy people in my life that say, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, don't apologize first.
It's just an aversion to me. It's like it's nice, but no need to do that. And then it's just watching behavior. I've had friends that have been maybe not the best, that I'm no longer close with. Not saying all of them are narcissists or whatever, but some people, just as I got older and I realized what healthy relationships and friendships were, they just didn't align anymore. And one apologized, but I could tell it was like a forced apology to just kind want to obligate to worry, get over it, move on, that sort of thing, which can be a narcissistic trait, but not necessarily means someone's narcissistic. But what did I do? I did. I said, this is a pattern though, and this behavior has gone on for years and it's not going to end anytime soon. I can tell. And I put distance between us.
So if any of this made you go, oh my God, that's what happened. You're not alone. That's why I do this work. That's how I got here, that I have been through this in not just romantic relationships, but family and friendships. I have had narcissists or narcissistic traded people in my life multiple ways. And if you have an actual narcissist in your life, you may or may not know, the odds of having more of them in your life is higher because we can attract them for certain reasons. That's another episode itself. You can look up, maybe you're an empath, you just have a big heart. Sometimes they're easier targets because of our oversight, because we want to see the good in people. There's many reasons that you can have multiple people that take advantage of you in your life. And then once you start seeing this, you may shed many people.
That happened to me once. I started seeing this one person that was blatant narcissism, and I started really diving into it and studying and all of that. I saw that there was a trickle down effect in other relationships. And yes, I did cut multiple people out of my life because I realized, wow, these are not healthy people for me, and I'm walking on eggshells in multiple areas of my life. It's crazy. So don't do that. Come on, let's all get out together. So I know I went a little side tangent there, but apologies. There's a reason why they feel so good, right? You're getting that dopamine hit, especially when you're down in that mud, that nasty mud. And what can you do about it? Pause. Ask. What's changed? Is it an empty apology? If you're with a narcissist or this is related to narcissist, it's probably going to be empty.
So what do you do? You say they're not going to change and you have to evaluate what you do. I always recommend no contact with narcissists. That's my first recommendation. If you have to be in contact. If it's an ex, you have custody with something like that, you do Gray Rock Method, and I have a couple of episodes, I believe on the Gray Rock method. Very, very important. I'm probably going to do a new updated one. I love talking about the Gray rock method, so I will put that podcast episode in the description. So if this at all made you say, yeah, that's familiar. I get those empty apologies. You deserve better, queen. You are a queen. Did you forget? Do you not feel that shiny heavy crown on your head right now? It's you're a queen. So if you want to go deeper with any of the support, check the show notes for My Empowered Boundaries course. I can't speak or one-on-one coaching Somatic Healing. It's always in there. And you deserve real repair. Not this like recycled ass pain in disguise. No, we're not here for that. Life is short and you're here for a reason. You're listening to this because you were made for more than what you are putting up with. So no more empty apologies for you. Okay? Can we have a pinky swear? Let me see. Oh girl, your nails look good. Okay. Okay, queen. I'll see you in the next episode.
