I sit down with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code to unpack the most misunderstood aspects of coercive control and psychological abuse.

One of the most powerful shifts in understanding abuse is learning to stop asking, “Was this incident abusive?” and instead asking, “What was this behavior designed to accomplish?” We discuss why the function of abusive behavior matters far more than the form it takes.

In this conversation, we cover:

• Why abusers don’t lose control—they deploy it.
• Why coercive control is built through a million tiny threads that eventually become a rope.
• How abusers intentionally use "low-cost" methods of control that leave no bruises but dramatically reshape your behavior.
• How abusers get you to control yourself.
• Why the phrase “He never hit me” can keep survivors from recognizing an abusive relationship.
• How looking at abuse one incident at a time prevents you from seeing the system of control operating underneath it.
• Why abuse is like a pig wearing different colors of lipstick—the tactics change, but the function remains the same.

If you’ve ever questioned your own experience because there wasn’t one “big enough” event, this episode is for you.

Guest Links and Resources:

Lindsay's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_control_code/

Lindsay's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@the_control_code

Lindsay's SubStack: https://substack.com/@thecontrolcode

Lindsay's Coercive Control Guides: https://linktr.ee/TheControlCode?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQPOTM2NjE5NzQzMzkyNDU5AAGnCAZZI0BG0_X3rb4H7PS00yhJ3cAaZlTXiZ4Fi2zTweMMAbCGRy79jdMi_aQ_aem_lzeUgb-UjxBaVXAmpyJlaA

Topics: coercive control, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, manipulation, trauma, survivor education, relationship red flags, coercive control patterns, Lindsay Stoker, The Control Code.

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If I could sit across from the woman I was back then, these are the 20 things I would tell her.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I reflect on my own experience of coercive control and share the lessons I wish someone had taught me while I was still living inside the confusion.

In this episode, we unpack topics like:

• Why I found myself doing things that looked “sketchy” from the outside- like deleting text messages with friends and family- and how those behaviors were adaptations to coercive control.
• What an abuser is often trying to accomplish when he repeatedly says, “I would never hit a woman,” and why that statement can become part of a much larger manipulation strategy.
• How an abuser will say "this is just their personality" as a way to avoid accountability.
• Why constantly breaking up with you and pulling you back in is a powerful form of intermittent reinforcement that can create an addictive trauma bond.
• The hidden psychological dynamics that make intelligent, capable women stay in relationships they never imagined they’d tolerate.
• And 20 hard truths I wish I had understood years earlier.

Whether you’re currently questioning your own relationship, trying to make sense of one you’ve already left, or supporting someone you love, this episode will help you understand coercive control in a way that goes far beyond the stereotypes of abuse.

Grace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabethh

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What if you’re wrong about everything?

It’s one of the most haunting questions survivors of coercive control ask themselves after years of psychological manipulation.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I sit down with Anne Wintemute, founder of AimeeSays, to unpack how blame-shifting rewires your thinking… and how abusers create the illusion of freedom, making you believe you can leave at any time while trapping you inside an invisible cage that’s nearly impossible to prove even to yourself.

Learn more about AimeeSays here: ⁠www.AimeeSays.com

Use code: GRACE for a discount on your Aimee subscription.

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Brand new episode! This is a never-before-heard conversation.

I’m joined by author Cora Leyderman, author of Meet Me at the Well, as she shares the story of her previous marriage to a pathological liar.

While many people picture abuse as physical violence or obvious intimidation, Cora’s experience looked very different. Her husband’s primary tactics were relentless deception, psychological manipulation, and subtle patterns of control that left her questioning her own reality.

If you’ve ever wondered whether emotional and psychological abuse can exist without physical violence, or if you’ve questioned your own experiences, this conversation offers insight and validation.

Be sure to check out the links below to grab Cora’s book, Meet Me at the Well, and follow her on social media to learn more about her work and continue supporting her mission:

Cora's Book: https://www.amazon.com/Meet-Me-Well-Coralia-Leyderman/dp/B0GDJF28ZZ

Cora's Instagram: @1restoration_road

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode originally aired on May 13, 2025.

Brand new episode will be released on Tuesday, March 24th.

Lundy Bancroft is the author of the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" as well as many other books and has worked extensively in batterer intervention programs. He has over 30 years of experience working with abusive men and their families and is a leading voice in the field of domestic abuse and advocacy.

For Lundy's books, recourses, and more visit his website at: https://lundybancroft.com/

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Lindsey shares the story of how her relationship slowly turned into something she didn’t recognize as abuse.

What began as the gradual normalization of cheating became a pattern of psychological grooming. Over time, he reframed betrayal as “normal,” rewrote reality, and convinced her she was the one causing harm.

He even faked medical emergencies- claiming she was causing him physical suffering from "stress" to keep her catering to him and feeling responsible for his well-being. Every conflict somehow became her fault. Every consequence felt like she was “ruining his life.”

When the abuse escalated and arrest became a possibility, people around her warned, “What if you ruin his life?” — reinforcing the guilt he had already carefully planted.

Lyndsey's IG: @lyndseyh6723

Her Podcast IG: @living.inthe.aftermath

Where she serves on the board: @therefugeutah

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In this episode, Kelly shares her experience of being in a relationship where reality was constantly twisted. Her abuser was skilled at blame-shifting, making her feel like she was the problem for asking reasonable questions, having needs, or expecting basic respect.

What made it even more confusing was how differently he showed up to the rest of the world. Friends, family, and acquaintances saw someone charming, easygoing, and well-liked. That contrast left Kelly feeling isolated, disoriented, and unsure of her own perception.

This conversation is especially for anyone who is standing on the edge of a major commitment (like a wedding) and your gut is telling you something isn’t right, this episode may help you feel less alone, less dramatic, and more grounded in your truth. Sometimes the hardest thing isn’t leaving—it’s trusting yourself enough to believe what you already know.

Guest Information: Kelly's Instagram- @the.kellymichelle

Grace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabeth @whyshestayedpodcast

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In this episode, Kelly shares her story of entering a relationship with a mild-mannered Arab Muslim doctor at a vulnerable point in her life, a time when she felt ungrounded and stuck in patterns of promiscuity. He positioned himself as a stabilizing force, framing the relationship as a way to “save” her from that path and introduce her to a more meaningful life.

As the relationship deepened, elements of Islamic practice and cultural expectations were gradually introduced (after she was emotionally invested). This created confusion: was the growing control, restriction, and mistreatment rooted in cultural/ religious norms, or was it a result of his narcissistic and coercive personality?

That uncertainty became one of the most powerful tools of manipulation.

The episode closes with a powerful turning point: motherhood and a clear way out. Kelly shares how becoming a mother and a last-minute opened door clarified what she could no longer tolerate and ultimately gave her the strength to walk away- not just for herself, but for her child.

Guest details not included in show notes. If you would like to get in touch with our guest, please DM me on Instagram @gracee__elizabethh

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, Daniella shares her experience of being in a relationship marked by extreme intensity followed by sudden discard and abandonment. She opens up about how emotional abuse eroded her sense of self, fueled comparison and insecurity, and left her feeling like a shell of who she once was.

Daniella also unpacks how her abuser used people outside the relationship to validate his false narrative- ultimately reversing victim and offender by obtaining a TRO to portray himself as the victim. This conversation sheds light on how manipulation, image-management, and psychological abuse operate beneath the surface.

Daniella's Instagram: @daniellaxmc

Grace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabethh

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In this powerful episode, I sit down with Kia Lee, author and survivor, as she shares her journey through domestic abuse and cancer—and what it means to keep creating hope while still living in the unknown.

Kia opens up about the loneliness of clarity: that isolating moment when you see the truth of your situation before anyone else does. We talk about how life doesn’t pause for your pain- how the world keeps moving even when your own world feels like it has come to a complete stop.

Together, we explore the power of discernment—learning to trust your inner knowing when circumstances, people, or even professionals cause you to doubt yourself.

Kia speaks candidly about the necessity of facing pain head-on rather than avoiding it, and how doing so became a turning point in her healing.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Living with clarity that others may not understand
• The grief of watching the world move on while you’re standing still
• Developing discernment and trusting your inner voice
• Why facing pain directly is essential to healing
• Domestic abuse, survival, and reclaiming your sense of self
• Medical gaslighting and the importance of advocating for yourself
• Creating hope while still in the unknown

Sponsor Links:

Aimee Says: an AI Support That Understands Abuse - and Helps You Prove It.

https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home

Get a free month's subscription with the code: WhySheStayed

Guest Links:

IG Handle @LighthouseSurvivor

IG Handle 2: @namastenyc8

https://kia-lee.com/

Kia's part 1 episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2JwLe9pb9v3iU9gGGIvpjM?si=nraSVP5sQ5WicSq8sejilw

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.