If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:

If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.

That is exactly why pattern-based thinking is so important.

Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening over time. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result?

The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside.

As you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced:

• What is the function?
• What outcome is this producing?
• Why does this work?
• What about this is effective?
• How does this destabilize me?
• What is the sentence designed to do?
• What is the impact on me?
• How does this erode my clarity?

These questions move you away from “What happened in this one argument?” and toward “What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”

That shift can change everything.

Aimee Says Link: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home?via=grace

Use Code "GRACE" for a discount.

Schedule a 1:1 with me here: https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAcGRvZgJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAadSCqIThrr8DL-EI5lNwPKf4xpSvBk5gz2uryK-e1VOqEVdiXi2-vlkNuEVTw_aem_HJGz5_nmZ5wQrP2wQInssw

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In this episode, I sit down with Wednesday to talk about how the nervous system can become attached to predictability—even when that predictability is harmful—and how an abuser can become both the poison and the antidote, the distress and the comfort.

Wednesday shares how her ex used martial arts, clumsiness, and “accidents” to explain away physical trespasses—creating just enough "truth" to make her question what was actually happening.

We also unpack:

• Why we sometimes wish our abuser would do something obvious enough to finally give us permission to leave.
• How early lack of commitment can look like the opposite of control, making us chase harder and overlook warning signs.
• “Why are you making me out to be the bad guy?” / “You think I’m some kind of monster?” / “Why do you always assume the worst of me?”
• How phrases like “You’re making an elephant out of a mosquito” turn legitimate concerns into evidence that we are the problem.
• Why physical abuse is so often accompanied by an explanation: “I didn’t slam the door on you—you didn’t move.” “I didn’t kick you—you walked into my foot.” “I wasn’t pushing you—I was trying to calm you down.”
• How an impending exit date can change an abuser’s behavior—less arguing, more emotional withdrawal, and a relationship that suddenly appears “peaceful,” making you question whether leaving is really necessary.

Links & Codes:

Aimee Says Code: Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select

"If He Hit Me I Would Leave" Poem: https://emmarosebyham.substack.com/p/if-he-hit-me-i-would-leave-him

Guest's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/wednesdaysamantha/

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Ali shares the brutal reality of trying to leave an abusive relationship and how, after leaving and returning over and over again, she began to lose trust in her own ability to stay gone.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why repeated leaving and returning can create a deep distrust in yourself.
• How isolation can make you feel that talking to your family “too much” is strange or abnormal.
• How she began hiding the truth from friends and family in an attempt to reclaim autonomy over her own decisions.
• The mind game of believing, “If I can just be perfect enough, maybe we can get back to how things were in the beginning.”
• How abusers capitalize on partial truths and technicalities to shift blame and make you question your own reality.
• Why focusing on the technical details of an incident can make you completely miss the larger pattern of coercive control.
• And finally, what changed when Ali became ruthless about staying gone.

Guest details are private for now, but listeners can DM me on @whyshestayedpodcast on Instagram if you would like to request to message Ali.

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Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.

But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?

While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.

Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.

Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.

If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.

Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/

Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised.

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Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.

But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?

In this episode of Why She Stayed, Aubree shares the story of the timespan leading up to the unimaginable tragedy that left her paralyzed and forever changed her life.

While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.

Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.

Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.

If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.

Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/

Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised.

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I sit down with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code to unpack the most misunderstood aspects of coercive control and psychological abuse.

One of the most powerful shifts in understanding abuse is learning to stop asking, “Was this incident abusive?” and instead asking, “What was this behavior designed to accomplish?” We discuss why the function of abusive behavior matters far more than the form it takes.

In this conversation, we cover:

• Why abusers don’t lose control—they deploy it.
• Why coercive control is built through a million tiny threads that eventually become a rope.
• How abusers intentionally use "low-cost" methods of control that leave no bruises but dramatically reshape your behavior.
• How abusers get you to control yourself.
• Why the phrase “He never hit me” can keep survivors from recognizing an abusive relationship.
• How looking at abuse one incident at a time prevents you from seeing the system of control operating underneath it.
• Why abuse is like a pig wearing different colors of lipstick—the tactics change, but the function remains the same.

If you’ve ever questioned your own experience because there wasn’t one “big enough” event, this episode is for you.

Guest Links and Resources:

Lindsay's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_control_code/

Lindsay's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@the_control_code

Lindsay's SubStack: https://substack.com/@thecontrolcode

Lindsay's Coercive Control Guides: https://linktr.ee/TheControlCode?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQPOTM2NjE5NzQzMzkyNDU5AAGnCAZZI0BG0_X3rb4H7PS00yhJ3cAaZlTXiZ4Fi2zTweMMAbCGRy79jdMi_aQ_aem_lzeUgb-UjxBaVXAmpyJlaA

Topics: coercive control, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, manipulation, trauma, survivor education, relationship red flags, coercive control patterns, Lindsay Stoker, The Control Code.

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If I could sit across from the woman I was back then, these are the 20 things I would tell her.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I reflect on my own experience of coercive control and share the lessons I wish someone had taught me while I was still living inside the confusion.

In this episode, we unpack topics like:

• Why I found myself doing things that looked “sketchy” from the outside- like deleting text messages with friends and family- and how those behaviors were adaptations to coercive control.
• What an abuser is often trying to accomplish when he repeatedly says, “I would never hit a woman,” and why that statement can become part of a much larger manipulation strategy.
• How an abuser will say "this is just their personality" as a way to avoid accountability.
• Why constantly breaking up with you and pulling you back in is a powerful form of intermittent reinforcement that can create an addictive trauma bond.
• The hidden psychological dynamics that make intelligent, capable women stay in relationships they never imagined they’d tolerate.
• And 20 hard truths I wish I had understood years earlier.

Whether you’re currently questioning your own relationship, trying to make sense of one you’ve already left, or supporting someone you love, this episode will help you understand coercive control in a way that goes far beyond the stereotypes of abuse.

Grace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabethh

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What if you’re wrong about everything?

It’s one of the most haunting questions survivors of coercive control ask themselves after years of psychological manipulation.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I sit down with Anne Wintemute, founder of AimeeSays, to unpack how blame-shifting rewires your thinking… and how abusers create the illusion of freedom, making you believe you can leave at any time while trapping you inside an invisible cage that’s nearly impossible to prove even to yourself.

Learn more about AimeeSays here: ⁠www.AimeeSays.com

Use code: GRACE for a discount on your Aimee subscription.

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Brand new episode! This is a never-before-heard conversation.

I’m joined by author Cora Leyderman, author of Meet Me at the Well, as she shares the story of her previous marriage to a pathological liar.

While many people picture abuse as physical violence or obvious intimidation, Cora’s experience looked very different. Her husband’s primary tactics were relentless deception, psychological manipulation, and subtle patterns of control that left her questioning her own reality.

If you’ve ever wondered whether emotional and psychological abuse can exist without physical violence, or if you’ve questioned your own experiences, this conversation offers insight and validation.

Be sure to check out the links below to grab Cora’s book, Meet Me at the Well, and follow her on social media to learn more about her work and continue supporting her mission:

Cora's Book: https://www.amazon.com/Meet-Me-Well-Coralia-Leyderman/dp/B0GDJF28ZZ

Cora's Instagram: @1restoration_road

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This episode originally aired on May 13, 2025.

Brand new episode will be released on Tuesday, March 24th.

Lundy Bancroft is the author of the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" as well as many other books and has worked extensively in batterer intervention programs. He has over 30 years of experience working with abusive men and their families and is a leading voice in the field of domestic abuse and advocacy.

For Lundy's books, recourses, and more visit his website at: https://lundybancroft.com/

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