You Are Not Crazy

“No one sees it. They just think he’s nice.”

If you are in a high-conflict divorce or co-parenting dynamic, you probably feel this in your bones.

One of the hardest parts of covert abuse is that the “nice” isn’t safe. The "helpfulness" isn’t genuine. It’s strategic. 

When you are the only one seeing it and reacting to it, you start questioning yourself.

In this episode, I talk about what it’s like to live inside a pattern that other people can’t see. Courts, lawyers, evaluators — they are trained to look for a single shocking incident. They are looking for overt violence, clear evidence and one big moment. 

They are not trained to see is cumulative harm, psychological pressure and the tone of a text that looks polite but isn’t. 

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

One of the most painful and confusing questions survivors ask is this:

“If I want them to change… how is that different from them wanting me to change?”

On the surface, it sounds the same. Two people. Both asking for change. But it is not the same.

In this episode, I’m joined again by Paul Colaianni of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse to unpack the critical difference between wanting harm to stop… and wanting control.

We talk about:

• The difference between self-protection and selfish control
• Why survivors question whether they’re “abusive too”
• The shift that happens 3–6 months into many abusive relationships
• How instinct gets conditioned out of you
• Why abusers externalize and survivors internalize
• What real change actually looks like (and how to spot when it’s just words)
• Why consequences are often the only thing that triggers accountability

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking:

• “Am I asking for too much?”
• “Are we both the problem?”
• “Why do they say I need to change too?”
• “If I want them to be healthier, isn’t that controlling?”

This conversation will bring clarity.

Wanting someone to stop hurting you is not abuse. Wanting someone to shrink so you can control them is.

I highly recommend Paul's work. You can find him here: loveandabuse.com

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode puts words to what a trauma bond feels like before there is language for it. The quiet erosion. The logic loops. The way your needs slowly become “too much.” The way calm, rational explanations are used to invalidate your emotional reality. The way you start rehearsing conversations, monitoring your tone, silencing yourself, and shrinking—just to keep the peace.

This is not a story about explosive fights or obvious cruelty. It is about subtle control, emotional superiority, and the kind of psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your own perceptions while trying harder and harder to make the relationship work.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why trauma bonds don’t feel abusive while you’re in them
• How “logical” partners can still be deeply emotionally abusive
• What cognitive dissonance does to your sense of self
• Why your nervous system starts reacting before your mind catches up
• How silence, self-erasure, and hyper-independence become survival strategies
• Why “just leaving” is not simple—and never was

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Leaving a relationship with someone who has untreated borderline personality traits can feel less like a breakup and more like trying to escape a locked room while being told you’re the one causing the fire.

In this episode, I speak directly to the people who are rarely centered in these conversations: the partners who have been living inside someone else’s emotional emergency. The ones who learned to scan tone, timing, silence, and mood shifts just to survive. The ones whose nervous systems became collateral damage.

This is not an episode about diagnosing or vilifying people with BPD. It is about naming the relational impact of untreated emotional dysregulation, identity collapse, abandonment panic, and rage–care oscillation on the person who loves them.

I talk about:

• Why leaving can feel impossible without intense guilt and fear
• How reality erosion, false accusations, and emotional role reversal take hold
• The cycle I see over and over again: rage → collapse → panic → pleading → accusation
• Why reassurance makes things worse instead of better
• How partners slowly disappear while trying to keep someone else regulated
• Why intent does not cancel impact, even when suffering is real

If you’ve ever felt like you were the safest person in the world one moment and the villain the next—with no transition, no shared reality, and no way to win—this episode is for you.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I talk about what happens after the fight, the discard, or the emotional explosion, and why the aftermath hits you so much harder than it seems to hit them.

I break down a pattern I see constantly in emotionally abusive, high-conflict, and narcissistic dynamics: one person unloads their rage, shame, blame, or dysregulation, and then walks away feeling lighter—while the other person is left carrying it.

I explain why this isn’t about resolution, communication, or vulnerability. It’s about emotional transfer. When someone cannot tolerate their own internal discomfort, they offload it onto you. 

You’re left replaying the conversation, questioning yourself, feeling dysregulated, and trying to make sense of something that was never meant to be repaired.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

How do you survive—and eventually recognize—the BPD cycle of abuse, especially when you are already exhausted, confused, and questioning yourself.

In this episode, I break down the cycle as it actually unfolds in real life: The intense honeymoon phase, the sudden emotional whiplash, the accusations and character attacks, the breakups and reconciliations, and the long stretch of chaos that keeps you hooked through intermittent relief.

I talk about why this dynamic is so hard to recognize while you’re inside it, why your nervous system becomes hypervigilant, why you can’t sleep, why you’re constantly scanning for tone, mood shifts, and explosions, and why none of this means you’re weak, codependent, or “too sensitive.”

If you’ve ever felt like your body knew something was wrong long before your mind could accept it—this episode is for you.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

If you’ve ever been told you “can’t communicate” — especially by someone who constantly twists your words or refuses to take accountability — this episode will help you see what’s really happening. I break breaks down how abusers weaponize communication to destabilize you, create confusion, and control the narrative. You’ll learn why phrases like “you’re too blunt” or “you don’t make sense” are often not about clarity at all — they’re about power. 

You can view my courses here: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/collections

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

When you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, the need for clarity can feel all-consuming. You want to know why they did what they did — why they lied, withdrew, or turned cold. You believe that if you can just understand their behavior, you’ll finally be able to find peace.

Clarity from someone who manipulates and distorts reality rarely exists — at least not in the way survivors hope it will. The search for answers becomes part of the trap, keeping you focused on their motives instead of your own healing.

I break down how the cycle of abuse keeps survivors waiting for closure that never comes, how trauma bonds form from confusion and intermittent tenderness, and how to start shifting your focus from understanding them to understanding yourself.

You’ll learn:

• Why abusers thrive in ambiguity and confusion
• How seeking clarity can keep you trauma-bonded
• What real clarity looks like (and where to find it)
• How to stop analyzing their behavior and start rebuilding your peace

If you’re stuck in the endless loop of “why,” this episode will help you turn that question inward — toward your boundaries, your self-respect, and your healing.

Mentioned in this episode:

• Emotional Abuse Breakthrough Course: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/
• Unhooked: The Private Podcast + Course on the Cycle of Abuse: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/courses/unhooked
• Substack: Hit Me Baby One More Time: https://jessicaknightcoaching.substack.com
• Coaching and Resources at EmotionalAbuseCoach.com

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode unpacks what happens when speaking your truth gets twisted into a blame game. You finally name the pattern—gaslighting, neglect, constant eggshells—only to have the conversation hijacked. Suddenly you’re defending a mistake from years ago, a text tone, or an unrelated incident. Instead of accountability, you’re trapped in deflection, false equivalency, and emotional erasure.

Jessica breaks down how this tactic shows up in everyday conversations, why it’s such a powerful tool of emotional abuse, and how it connects to the larger cycle. She explains DARVO in real time, highlights the difference between repair and image management, and shares ways to recognize when the blame game is pulling you off center.

If you’ve ever left an argument wondering how you became the problem just for naming your pain, this episode will help you see the pattern clearly—and remind you that you are not crazy.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I talk about a communication pattern that so many people experience in emotionally abusive and high-conflict relationships—but rarely have language for.

It’s the moment when a message sounds reasonable on paper, calm in tone, even “child-focused”… and yet your body reacts immediately.

I walk through what’s happening when someone says all the right things while doing the opposite—hiding control behind concern, and contradiction behind “cooperation.” I use a real client example from co-parenting to show how this plays out in everyday emails about clothing, schedules, school, and parenting decisions—and how quickly it turns into self-doubt, over-explaining, and emotional exhaustion.

In this episode, I share:

• Why these interactions feel so destabilizing even when they look calm
• How contradictory communication pulls you into constant self-defense
• What to look for when words and actions don’t line up
• Why this isn’t a communication problem—and why you’re not overreacting
• How to begin tracking patterns so you can stop gaslighting yourself

If you’ve ever read a message and thought, “Why do I feel like I’m losing my footing right now?” this episode is for you.

This episode is a re-record of the Double Speak episode because I did not know there was noise in the background!

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: [email protected]

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner