Gramercy

What a journey this season has been! Thank you so much for joining me, listening week in and week out. What a beautiful, teachable heart you all have. I've met so many interesting people I never would have had the opportunity to meet in the course of my ordinary life. Sometimes we have to go out of our way to meet people outside our spheres of influence. Today's episode will be a deep dive into what these past few months have taught me about the formerly incarcerated as well as the U.S criminal justice system. 

I'd like to start with a few statistics. According to the Pew Research Center, as of the end of 2019, there are over 2.1 million people incarcerated in the United States. According to the World Prison Brief, 10.3% of those prisoners are female and .2% are under 18. Generally, recidivism rates are over 70%. Keep in mind though, that each state has differing methods and metrics for determining these statistics. Different metrics tell different stories. For example, according to the Council on Criminal Justice, the severity of the original conviction offense is not indicative of recidivism risk nor do older people return to prison at the same rate as young people. I've included some helpful articles in the show notes for those of you who might like to go deeper on these topics. These recidivism rates matter when it comes to the people I've interviewed this season and to the work of Defy Ventures who boasts a less than 10% recidivism rate of EIT's (Entrepreneurs in Training) who have graduated from their program. What makes these people different? Why did they decide to "change their hustle" and others don't? I don't know the answer to that question. But I'm indebted to those kind, courageous, changed souls who let me glimpse into their hearts, lives, and minds and were willing to share their stories. 

What happens when belief systems, ideological worldviews, or long-held opinions you've defended as truth your entire life bump up against contradictions that prove those prior concepts as fallible? How do you deal with that tension? How do you explain it to yourself? Do you tighten your grip on your belief and become even more dogmatic because you fear what confronting it might mean? Do you justify your thoughts and actions because of tradition, authority, or moral superiority? It's the tough love approach to life. Or, do you let these new and different perspectives slowly seep into the fabric of your consciousness until you find yourself one day espousing a new belief? It's a slow process that eventually yields a new way of acting and thinking about others and the world around you. It ultimately changes how you live your life. Or, do you listen intently, lean in with caution, and face the fact that your supposed truths are evolving to an even larger, more inclusive level? You confront your mistaken beliefs, misplaced judgements, and misunderstood assumptions and use your newfound knowledge to transform your life and see yourself in the shared humanity around you.

During this season, I imagine you might have found yourself working through all three of these emotional and intellectual responses. Certain episodes might have been easier to digest than others. Sometimes you may have felt more judgement, others more compassion. We come to every new encounter with the lens of how we see the world based on our lived experience. When someone challenges that, at first it's offensive to us. But over time, we become softer the more stories we hear and people we meet. We begin to see that if we were in the other person's shoes, maybe we might have also made similar choices. How are we to know? Eventually, your default becomes an open heart right from the start. People no longer have to prove themselves to you. You let them be who they are, where they are. They are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have at this time in their lives, as are you, and you see yourself in them. This is love.

The themes I noticed this season and will discuss one by one are:

1) the need/desire to belong 

2) the importance of parenting 

3) the desire to go back to a simpler time

4) the power of second chances

5) giving back

6) personal responsibility

7) resilience

I wanted to learn more about the psychology of belonging and what drove so many of my guests this season into the accepting arms of gang life. So I studied Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It is a 5-tiered motivational theory of psychological human needs. Maslow supposits that the lower levels or "deficient" needs on the pyramid must be met before the higher level or "growth" needs. The levels from the bottom up are: Physiological, Safety, Love & Belonging, Esteem, Self-Actualization. These needs build on each other. If a lower need has not been satisfied, it is deficient, therefore, making it harder to progress and grow into higher level needs. However, this isn't a rigid progression. We do not move through the pyramid in a linear fashion, it seems to be more fluid based on our life experiences. So at its core, belonging means being part of a cohesive group with a shared identity. All humans have this social desire. Depending on the environment we grow up in, we achieve this psychological need in different ways. What I'm getting at is, it's much harder to look down on someone for choosing to join a gang when you can relate to the desire to want to be a part of a group bigger than yourself as well. Andy Lopez from Episode 13  speaks with authority on the topic of gang life and belonging….his words touch at the heart of the allure...a place to belong, be accepted, be loved, be family. He said something striking, "We're kids trying to be men in a world that we don't know nothing about." He had an almost parental sense of love and protection of the kids under him. Yet, the street code dictates that you solve all your problems with violence. It's a warped version of love and belonging.

Some of my guests this season admitted they had great parents but still screwed up anyways - they were determined to take their own path. Others had tragic home lives. But in all the cases, there was a disconnect somewhere that caused them to feel a lack of care, support, love, or acceptance from a parent. I think the deeper issue that needs to be addressed is what is happening at home where kids don't feel valued, aren't taught who they are, or how to be a contributing member of society - the supreme role that parents and/or caregivers play in the lives of their kids. Could we stop the flow of kids seeking out gangs by teaching parents how to be better parents? As posited by British psychologist John Bowlby, “Childrens’ disturbed behavior is a response to actual experience of neglect, brutality, separation. We learn self-care from the way we are cared for. The skill of self-regulation is dependent on how harmonious our early interactions with caregivers are. Children whose parents are reliable sources of comfort and strength have a lifetime advantage.” Darlene, from episode 12  understands this and sees the importance in her role as a parent in ensuring a healthy mindset and self esteem in her kids. She's walked the road of poor coping skills and low self-esteem. She knows what she lacked and is doing everything in her power to change that narrative for her kids.

The third theme was that of "simpler times." I was honestly surprised that when my guests were given a choice of any time or place in history or the present to visit, most of them answered with a variation of "a simpler time." I find that truly intriguing. I can relate to that desire as well. But I also think we tend to idealize times in the past which in turn makes ...

Elizabeth's one tip to make the world a better place reiterated a long held truth, but also one I easily forget. Communication is key. I needed that reminder that "conflict is based on false perceptions of the other person's role and capabilities, and without asking, you have no idea what you're asking of them. You're assuming how they feel and what they meant, based on your life experiences" This is exactly what I needed to hear at this exact moment in life. 

Her advice about taking whatever is making you angry and re-channeling it to drive your ambition is a powerful exhortation that we can all benefit from. Re-framing a problem in a different light is the beginning of changing our mindset. And as we have learned all too well on this podcast, your mindset is the key to everything. Elizabeth is no stranger to this tactic. Like she said, "there is no such thing as a problem, only an opportunity to succeed." And that is truly how she lives her life. May we all learn to view our challenges as opportunities...just as Elizabeth has.

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Sithy brought up an interesting point on his decision to join the gang...not only was it considered just the next step because everyone around him was doing it, but he wanted the dual benefits of belonging and protection.  The need for acceptance and to impress silenced his initial desire to not participate in the illegal activities of the gang. He was slowly desensitized to the impact of his crimes on others because the praise received from fellow gang members was worth more than the values of his conscience. It wasn't until he was sent to prison that he woke up to the fact that all the gang activity was actually hurting their own communities; it was typically rival gangs of the same ethnicities doing harm to each other. I'm intrigued by his insight and want to follow up with research of my own. Why do we so often choose things that go against our good? Why do we sabotage ourselves and our communities? I see this happen in the people we vote for, in personal relationships, with our eating habits, in education. It is truly a sad phenomenon. But the  promise of change and good  comes with awakening. Sithy no longer lets lies guide him. He woke up to the reality of his choices and the harmful effects they had not only on himself but his entire community.

As messed up as our prison system is, here is another individual who is actually thankful he ended up in prison because he knows it saved his life and possibly the life of a future victim. This is the paradox of life, isn't it? Sometimes we think something is bad, but it turns out to be good for us and vice versa. There are alot of people and organizations trying to bring good out of an inherently bad system. For that, I am thankful.

Sithy said a phrase I had never heard before and attributed it to the founder of Defy...learning to dance with fear. I find that incredibly freeing and beautiful and relatable. You don't have to be imprisoned or formerly incarcerated to understand or relate to that analogy. We all have our own dance with fear. May we learn to hold the tension between fear and joy and learn to dance with our fear, just as Sithy has.

Sithy's motto for living: "A smart person learns from his mistakes, a wise person learns from the mistakes of others." - Anonymous

Sithy's Instagram - sithycity37

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Education taught David how to hone skills he didn't realize he had. It also taught him to take the negative impulsiveness that had plagued him his entire life and reframe it as a tool that he can use, not one that controls him. Although his transformation was a long time coming, when it occurred, it was genuine. Like he said, "To change you have to want it." Once his mindset changed, there was no looking back except to use his past choices to motivate him to keep progressing forward.

David's encouragement to volunteer with an organization that serves the incarcerated population and learn for yourself how to make a difference in the justice system is a wise one.  Fear is what separates us. Once you meet the inmates, then you can make a judgement, but not until then. Everybody is redeemable. Everybody deserves a second chance.

Psychiatrist and author, Dr. James Gordon, expresses the same sentiment that David discovered in prison, “It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t… It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.”  This might just be what being a resilient human being hinges on. May we all dig deep and find the courage to change ourselves and our world for the better, just as David has.

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After hearing Laura's story, the words that come to mind are: determined, brave, compassionate, strong, forgiving, teachable, and resilient. She was dealt a terrible hand in life. She confesses to her mistakes without playing the victim. She wakes up every day and chooses to better herself and help others. Her life is a testament to this. It seems that many  prison programs are what help bring about healing in so many broken souls who've found themselves incarcerated. They are finally in a place to learn things they were never taught, grow in understanding, education, and empathy, as well as heal themselves through the help of therapists, dogs, and volunteers who assert their worthiness to be loved even when they themselves can't yet see it.

Dr. Van Der Kolk, the author of the famed book, "The Body Keeps the Score" says, "We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way the mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”  This is of paramount importance for all of us to learn.  The trauma Laura experienced in childhood shaped the rest of her life. Thankfully, she came to learn this and dealt with her trauma head on. May we all learn to do the hard thing, just as Laura has.

Laura's quote: "Do unto others as you'd like done unto you."

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Andy's generous, gentle soul had quite the impact on me. Despite his life experiences he is still an ardent believer that people are born good and he chooses to see the good in people, try to find common ground, and bring people together. This is a transformed man from the one who thought fighting was the answer to everything. 

I loved the surprise bunny trail we went down about dog training and learning how to read people. I'm so thankful there are organizations who reach out to prisoners and give them chances to learn more about themselves, the world around them, and how to improve their lives. If this season is teaching us nothing else, it certainly is showing us that prison education programs have the capacity to be transformational and inmates are not lost causes. Just because you make a really stupid choice does not exclude you  from growing and learning from it and improving your emotional, mental, or spirtual health. 

This is not the last you've seen or heard of Andy. He has so much to share with the world. Be sure to check out the links in the show notes to the articles he wrote. His story and the way he narrates it is so compelling. I sat riveted as I was listening to him speak. No wonder people are drawn to him. Andy, I can tell you've taken to heart and live what Tupac said: "My aim is to spread more smiles than tears." May we all try to be the gift of happiness in someone else's life today, just as Andy has.

Quote: THUG LIFE  - The hate that you give little infants f***s everybody - Tupac Shakur

BULLETT - Born to unite loyalty and love in every thug's life

Puppies Behind Bars 

Andy's Writings: 

NYU Local Blog 

NYU's Independent School Newspaper

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II was deeply touched by the simple yet profound recognition that Darlene so eloquently gave voice to: Healing is not linear. If you stop and think about it, it makes perfect sense. None of us deal with an issue and move on. It keeps resurfacing and sneaking up on us throughout our life. This is why we seek out friends and therapists to talk to. This is why we get depressed. This is why we often get stuck in cycles of unhealthy thinking. Giving ourselves permission to heal over and over again, even if it's something we thought we dealt with already, is incredibly freeing.

Darlene danced around the ideas of socio-economic and racial inequality as reasons why so many end up incarcerated. Without mentioning these two systemic forces by name, she spoke directly to the effects these causes left unchecked yield in society. I appreciate that she boldly speaks to this and raises her voice yet again for the value and worth of the marginalized. Opportunities, education, and resources should not be allotted to people based on their immigration status, wealth, skin color, or any other reason. Isn't this the heart of social justice work at its core?  Gandhi spoke to this universal truth more than 50 years ago when he said, "The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.”

I was inspired by Darlene's quote from Kahlil Gibran, our shared favorite poet, to close with this quote in honor of Darlene and her life's journey. "Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing what will be." I see the work she does for Defy Ventures in this light. May we all learn to recognize and value the humanity in each person we meet, just as Darlene has.

Favorite quote:

Life without liberty is like a body without spirit - Khalil Gibran

Be a lamp or a lifeboat. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. - Rumi

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Nhut enlightens us about why insecure kids are drawn into gang life - the feelings of loss of control, inadequacy, not belonging to their culture of origin or their new culture. In this light, broken people are taken with the allure of gang life by finding a place to belong and come together - not for healing their brokenness - rather ,to encourage the trifecta of false pride, false power, and false respect. He's intimately aware of this mindset and has compassion on those who find this their only way of escape and belonging.

Nhut told me, "You will not gain any wisdom unless you suffer" only someone who has walked that path can utter those words. And he now sees that suffering as a gift. I believe he has internalized the words of the Dalai Lama, "A genuine change must first come from within the individual, only then can he or she attempt to make a significant contribution to humanity." May we all learn to become more aware our self-limiting mindsets so that we can grow in acceptance, loving-kindness, and character...just as Nhut has.

Pawsitive Change Program - Instagram - @pawsitivechangeprogram

Nhut's Instagram - @art_noumenon

Nhut's dog training Instagram - @humblek9

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All I can say is that I'm so thankful for the Melissa's of the world. Those people who work tirelessly for the underdog, who clearly see the system that failed them and valiantly aim to fix those broken structures. Melissa's pronouncement of the need to address the root causes of why people go into the system in the first place is paramount to reforming it. She and others that are like-minded are creatively seeking ways to give power back to those who were never given a fair chance in life through the self- education and entrepreneurial training that Defy Ventures offers. And not only are they empowering the incarcerated and formerly incarcerated, they are actively working to create an inclusive economy by trying to shift the mind of the business owners to see the untapped talent pool in the population they serve. It's all about a purposeful and subversive shift in thinking that eventually changes the choices and actions of individuals, business leaders, volunteers, and communities. This slowly seeps into society at large and challenges the perceived assumptions we've all accepted as "normal" and thus begins the evolution of thought that transforms a broken system one life at a time. We each discover our shared humanity. 

The quote that comes to mind when I think of Melissa is from another great purveyor of justice, Bryan Stevenson. He says, "... simply punishing the broken--walking away from them or hiding them from sight--only ensures that they remain broken and we do, too. There is no wholeness outside of our reciprocal humanity." I see Melissa as someone who is connected to the incarcerated through our shared humanity and aims to bring out the best in those who are ready to transform their thoughts, lives, and actions. May we all choose this radical vulnerability that draws us closer together...just as Melissa has.

Melissa's Quote: You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still like dust, I'll rise. - Maya Angelou

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He speaks about his younger years from the standpoint of: "this is just the way it was" with not a hint of bitterness in his voice. And he never portrays himself as the victim. He teaches us that often our misconceptions, preconceived ideas, and false judgements of situations, or people, or things that happened in the past have fed our anger for so long but are often false. If he, who had every right to hold onto anger or resentment was able to see past it and forgive, who am I not to?

It gives me joy to hear that Jose and his Mom are finally able to have an open and sincere relationship after all these years. No matter how old you get, you never stop needing the approval, love, or acceptance of your mom. It is proof that healing can come, but maybe not in the way or the time frame isn't when we thought it would be. I appreciate how he is striving to grow in understanding and deeper love. He's learning to trust, to love, and to have hope again.

Jose's adamant and purposeful decision to change his mindset and lifestyle despite the negative repercussions he thought he might receive from those who knew him in prison, is nothing short of heroic. He finally knew who he was and what he wanted and he wasn't going to rely on other people to validate who he was. Steve Maraboli, another hero and decorated military vet says, “Once your mindset changes, everything on the outside will change along with it.” Jose's life is witness to this truth. May we all have the courage to change our mindset and to keep on living it day in and day out,  just as Jose has.

Jose's quote - People may forget your name, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

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