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Moroni opens the episode with a mercifully refreshing cocktail, the Cranberry Vodka Spritz-Ur, a deliciously refreshing drink named for the land of Ur and the general need for something light before wading into Abrahamic theology. Built around vodka, cranberry juice, citrus, and a fizzy topper, the drink does what it needs to do: keeps spirits up while the conversation immediately detours into the emotional exhaustion of existing in 2026. The intro swings between gallows humor, pop-culture side quests, and the general sense that everything is on fire, but at least the drink slaps. Consensus is reached quickly: this is one of the better cocktails in recent memory, which is good, because the rest of the episode is… a lot.

Scriptures: [00:32:29]

Abish walks everyone through Abraham 2, covering Abraham’s divine relocation order, the expansion of the covenant, and the promise that his name, seed, and priesthood authority will somehow bless literally everyone. The chapter’s emphasis on separation from corrupt societies, obedience without immediate payoff, and covenantal chosenness sets the stage for everything that follows. Abraham is framed as special, chosen, and obedient long before there is any visible success, establishing a template where faithfulness matters more than outcomes. The segment highlights how genealogical language and priesthood authority are already doing a lot of heavy lifting here, even before Joseph Smith gets fully weird with it later.

Church Teachings: [00:49:53]

aaaAAAaaa attempts to explain the Abrahamic Covenant using an official BYU Religious Studies Center article, quickly discovering that it is aggressively long, deeply repetitive, and determined to explain the same point twelve times in slightly different arrangements of words. After valiantly reading for longer than anyone deserved, he pivots to a summarized version to preserve the will to live of the other hosts. The segment reframes Abraham 2 as institutional theology rather than narrative scripture, showing how the covenant is used to justify chosen-ness, obedience without reward, and suffering as a feature rather than a bug. The takeaway is clear: the covenant isn’t just a promise, it’s an operating system—one that explains why being chosen mostly means being used.

History: [01:07:16]

Abigail closes things out by focusing on Abraham’s “seed,” and by seed she very much means seed, unpacking just how biologically, genealogically, and obsessively reproductive this section of scripture really is. The segment leans into how lineage becomes theology, how fertility becomes destiny, and how the covenant quietly turns into a divine breeding program with eternal consequences. Along the way, she connects this fixation to broader ancient and modern anxieties about inheritance, legitimacy, and power, all while keeping th

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Abish opens the episode with the “Osh Kosh Korash”, a chaotic but shockingly drinkable cocktail named after one of Abraham 1’s many extremely real, absolutely-not-made-up gods. Built from chocolate Crown Royal, amaretto, vanilla vodka, coffee liqueur, grenadine, cream, and topped with cherry Dr Pepper, the drink perfectly sets the tone for a chapter that feels like Joseph Smith just kept adding ingredients until something vaguely coherent happened. The intro spirals through pop culture tangents, general apocalypse vibes, and the shared realization that the Book of Abraham somehow manages to be both deeply racist and deeply boring at the same time.

Scriptures: [00:24:45]

aaaAAAaaa turns Abraham 1 into a full narrator-film trope, with Abraham doing a self-satisfied Emperor’s New Groove–style voiceover while actively being tied to an altar. The segment walks beat-by-beat through Abraham’s humblebrag résumé—his desire for priesthood, knowledge, and greatness—before diving into the sudden appearance of a rotating cast of nonsense gods, Egyptian priests inexplicably operating in Chaldea, and the extremely convenient survival of Abraham while three unnamed virgins die offscreen. The retelling highlights how repetitive, padded, and self-justifying the chapter is, exposing Abraham as a protagonist who treats attempted human sacrifice as a brief inconvenience on his way to cosmic importance.

Church Teachings: [00:46:56]

Moroni covers what the church teaches about Abraham 1, focusing on how lesson manuals frame Abraham as a model of faith, courage, and righteous ambition in a corrupt world. The segment breaks down the church’s emphasis on Abraham’s desire for priesthood, Pharaoh as a supposedly righteous leader without authority, and the way Abraham’s near-sacrifice is reframed as spiritual proof rather than a narrative disaster. The discussion highlights how the church smooths over the text’s contradictions while quietly leaning on Abraham to justify priesthood lineage, authority claims, and obedience as the ultimate virtue.

History: [01:02:04]

Abigail closes the episode with a deep dive into 1960s Book of Abraham apologetics, when the papyri resurfaced and forced the church into theological gymnastics. She walks through the rediscovery of the papyri, their identification as standard Egyptian funerary texts, and the resulting scramble to redefine “translation” into something closer to inspiration-by-association. The segment connects these apologetic shifts to broader LDS doctrine, showing how much modern Mormon theology depends on a text that simply does not say what Joseph Smith claimed—and how the church responded when the evidence showed up and refused to cooperate.

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aaaAAAaaa kicks off the first episode of the year with the cocktail "Mintthuselah", a wintery, chocolate-mint apocalypse in a glass named for Methuselah and the general pre-Flood vibe of things being long, old, and overdue for judgment. Using Chocolate Crown Royal, mint chocolate Baileys, a carefully restrained splash of peppermint schnapps, and cream, the drink manages to be both indulgent and ominous—much like Moses 8 itself. The intro meanders through sandwich betrayal, bad brains, naming talents, and a surprising amount of pop culture detours, before finally landing on the idea that if the world is ending via flood, it should at least taste good while it happens.

Sciptures: [00:27:37]

Moroni takes on Moses 8 and quickly realizes there isn’t much there there. The chapter is mostly lineage, absurd lifespans, and a heavy-handed declaration that everyone is wicked, with very little actual Noah content and almost no flood logistics compared to Genesis. Instead of ark specs or animal gathering, the text leans hard into sermonizing, random giant mentions, and premature name-dropping of Jesus Christ thousands of years before that would make any sense. The segment highlights how abruptly the book ends, how little narrative payoff exists, and how Joseph Smith’s retelling feels more like a theological rant than a story—culminating in God threatening to wipe everyone out and then immediately moving on like nothing happened.

Church Teachings: [00:48:10]

Abish unpacks how Moses 8 gets weaponized in LDS doctrine, focusing especially on the “sons of God” versus “daughters of men” framework and how it’s been used to justify fear around mixed-faith and interracial marriages. Tracing teachings from Brigham Young through Spencer W. Kimball, Harold B. Lee, Mark E. Petersen, and Ezra Taft Benson, the segment shows how marriage outside the covenant has long been framed as spiritually dangerous, socially corrosive, and even deserving of divine punishment. The discussion pulls no punches, highlighting explicit racist quotes, the church’s refusal to fully disavow them, and the ongoing cultural pressure that treats non-member spouses as liabilities rather than partners—all while pointing out how hollow the modern “love everyone” messaging sounds when eternal exclusion is still baked into the doctrine.

History: [01:16:37]

Abigail zooms out from Mormon scripture to place Moses 8 in its broader mythological context, walking through flood stories across cultures and civilizations. From Mesopotamian epics to global flood myths, the segment explores why floods show up so frequently in ancient storytelling and how they’re typically about chaos, renewal, and survival—not doctrinal purity. By contrast, Moses 8 stands out for how little it cares about the flood itself and how focused it is on punishment, lineage, and obedience. The res

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Moroni opens the episode with The Flood Line, a blackberry Crown Royal and ginger ale cocktail that hits hard, pops loud, and sets the tone for a night that’s equal parts chaos and critique. The drink name riffs on Moses 7’s apocalyptic vibes, while the intro spirals delightfully through Costco Jesus art, pop-culture detours, and the usual GASP blend of reverence and profanity. The overall energy is loose, a little unhinged, and perfectly primed for talking about prophets who allegedly rearranged geology.

Scriptures: [00:32:04]

Abish tackles Moses 7, comparing the sparse biblical Enoch to the fully weaponized Mormon version who preaches, builds Zion, reroutes rivers, and makes mountains flee like startled pets. She walks through the LDS expansion of Enoch’s story—Zion as a literal utopia, God openly weeping, and a city so righteous it gets yoinked into heaven—then contrasts it with both the Bible’s two-sentence shrug and the apocryphal Enoch who acts more like a cosmic archivist than a social reformer. The segment frames Joseph Smith’s Enoch as less ancient prophet and more ideological prototype for Mormon communal theology.

Church Teachings: [01:02:17]

aaaAAAaaa digs into literalism as a defining and increasingly fragile pillar of Mormon theology, using Moses 7’s “mountains fleeing” as the launch point. Pulling from scripture, JST Genesis, Ensign articles, FAIR apologetics, and conference talks, the segment shows how early and modern leaders framed priesthood power as genuinely world-altering—breaking mountains, dividing seas—while later scholarship quietly reframes that power as symbolic or institutional once evidence fails to cooperate. The result is a sharp exploration of how literal claims are taught with confidence, then softened, spiritualized, or quietly retired when reality refuses to play along.

History: [01:38:39]

Abigail returns for what is jokingly labeled “part four of three” in her Satanic Panic series, tracing how fear-based moral hysteria deepened and spread the more she researched it. This installment situates Mormon culture as uniquely primed for panic—steeped in literal belief, supernatural causality, and rigid authority structures—making members especially vulnerable to conspiracy thinking. The segment underscores how the same literalism that props up prophetic mountain-moving also fuels real-world harm when paranoia is treated as revelation.

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Abish opens the episode with the “Skibidi-lestial”, a shockingly good tangerine-vanilla-Malibu-UV-blue-floral cocktail that began life as a joke and somehow achieved exaltation. The intro spirals delightfully through drink lore, abandoned gardens, generational slang anxiety, Barnabas’s failed cocktail redemption arc, and pop-culture tangents ranging from Avatar nipples to Hallmark movie crimes, all while firmly establishing the night’s tone as cozy, chaotic, and spiritually unserious.

Scriptures: [00:32:43]

aaaAAAaaa tackles Moses 6 through aggressive “Pearl Math,” walking through the overlapping lifespans of Adam’s descendants and landing on the central absurdity: a tiny, fully interrelated monoculture where Adam and multiple patriarchs are still alive, God is still showing up, and yet missionary work is somehow necessary. The segment roasts the anachronistic theology (atonement before Jesus exists, baptism before doctrine), the psychedelic clay-on-the-eyes seer upgrade, and Adam being “quickened in the inner man,” ultimately arguing that the chapter only makes sense as Joseph Smith projecting 19th-century Mormonism backward into Bible fanfic.

Church Teachings: [01:00:43]

Special guest Laman shares his mission experiences and the process of disentangling Mormon doctrine from identity after leaving the church, offering a grounded look at how missionary culture, obedience, and certainty shape members long after belief cracks. The discussion explores why ex-Mormons keep talking about Mormonism, how doubt is culturally framed as failure, and how walking away often requires rebuilding not just theology, but an entire sense of self.

History: [02:06:29]

Abigail continues her multi-part series on the Satanic Panic, showing how Mormon cultural patterns — authority worship, fear of hidden evil, and obsession with moral purity — made the church uniquely susceptible to the hysteria. This installment connects early LDS ideas about secret combinations and Satanic influence to the broader American panic, setting the stage for how these narratives escalated and why they landed so effectively in Mormon communities.

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aaaAAAaaa walked into this episode like a man determined to prove that rock bottom is not a location but a state of cocktail consciousness. Thus was born "The Rejected Offering" a hotdog martini that immediately triggered a collective, visceral “oh no” from everyone present. Built from ketchup, spicy brown mustard, muddled relish brine, lemon juice, vodka, and a hefeweizen float “for bread,” this drink was essentially a liquid Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Garnished with teeny weenies, it was more an act of performance art than a beverage. And of course, when the others revolted after their first sips, aaaAAAaaa — like Cain, but with a higher tolerance — drank all three.

Scriptures: [00:33:37]
Moroni took us through Moses 5, the moment the family of Adam graduates from “naked gardening” to “institutionalized murder and cult formation.” Using the Pearl of Great Price remix of Genesis — the version God allegedly showed Moses through a burning 19th-century VR headset — Moroni highlighted just how much of this chapter gets repurposed verbatim in the LDS temple endowment. The angel explaining sacrifice? The law-of-sacrifice phrasing? Eve’s “Wherefore, we rejoice…” line? Yep — straight from Moses 5.

We get the classic beats: Adam tills, Eve “also labors with him” (the scriptural equivalent of saying “she helped”), everyone starts having kids with everyone else, and suddenly Cain and Abel exist to reenact the world's first true-crime documentary. Moroni walked through Cain’s floor-fruit offering versus Abel’s blood sacrifice, God’s weird favoritism, and Cain’s bisexual-coded “Who is the Lord that I should know him?” before the inevitable rock-to-head fratricide. By the end, God curses Cain, darkness spreads, and the entire human family structure starts looking like a closed-circle Utah genealogy chart.

Church Teachings: [00:55:31]
Abish pulled apart how LDS doctrine diverges sharply from Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Islamic readings of Cain and Abel. Instead of the usual ambiguity about why Cain’s offering failed, Mormonism declares — with the certainty of a bishop who’s never read any other scripture — that Cain lacked faith, lacked sincerity, lacked righteousness, and possibly lacked good produce. Other traditions debate symbolism; Mormonism insists it was an obedience test with Jesus foreshadowing baked in.

She outlined the uniquely Mormon additions: Satan personally tutors Cain in Evil 101, the introduction of Master Mahan as the prototype of all future “secret combinations,” and the idea that organized global evil can be traced directly to Cain’s LinkedIn job title. Abish also highlighted how LDS materials have canonized Cain’s curse, his “mark,” and his role as the template for apostasy itself. And then, because this is GASP, she delivered the pièce de résistance: Master Mahan as a Joe Smith original, referenced twice

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What started as a pie night turned into aaaAAAaaa dragging Abigail and Moroni into a full musical fever-dream about 90s Mormon Thanksgiving. We made a whole-ass AI musical — 15 original songs — and reacted to it live together like a group memory séance. Expect missionaries breaking rules in the basement, an operatic Jell-O salad declaration, the Second Coming of dessert, and the world’s longest prayer set to music. We laugh, wince, bond, and eventually crash back into the present… where we realize everyone went home and we’re the adults stuck cleaning. This may be the most unhinged, nostalgic, and heartfelt episode we’ve ever done.

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Intro
Moroni kicked things off this week with a drink that was equal parts chaotic and on-brand. He walked us through his creation, the “Fig Leaf Martini”, a cocktail whose theological accuracy is at least as questionable as its citrus content. The intro drifted through pop-culture tangents, general unruliness, and all the normal pre-scripture mayhem that happens when he’s at the wheel — literally this time, since he recorded on the road.

Scriptures: [00:34:56]
Abish took us into Moses 4, and she did not hold back. She went line by line through the “Fall of Adam and Eve” narrative, but with the emotional realness that the text itself refuses to allow. She spent most of the segment interrogating how the church frames Satan’s access to the garden, God’s voyeuristic “Where art thou?” routine, Adam’s blame-shifting, Eve’s eternal PR disaster, and the downright bizarre sewing-fig-leaves-with-vines situation. She also brought receipts detailing just how incoherent, contradictory, and unresolvable modern LDS doctrine is on literally every part of this chapter. It was half theology deep-dive, half roast session, and fully unhinged in the best way.

Church Teachings: [01:04:56]
aaaAAAaaa decided to outsource his entire segment this week by reading a Q&A he had previously done with ChatGPT about Moses 4. What followed was one of the funniest “official-ish doctrine” breakdowns we’ve had yet. He hit everything: whether the Fall was scheduled, why the church retroactively calls Eve heroic while still throwing her under the cosmic bus, whether God is just a divine Peeping Tom spying on naked people who don’t know what naked is, and how the church squares Satan entering Eden through a snake door. It was chaotic, deeply doctrinal, and ended up revealing just how much of LDS theology is an ever-shifting patch job held together by vibes, correlation, and selective memory. 

History: [01:27:11]
Abigail wrapped up the episode with the full cultural, political, and cinematic history of Satan — not the theological being, but the American invention. She traced how Cold War paranoia, the Manson murders, the rise of serial killers, the birth of the religious right, televangelists like Falwell and Robertson, and movies like Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, and The Omen combined to manufacture the Satanic Panic pipeline. She walked us through how Mormonism, eager for social legitimacy in the 60s and 70s, grabbed onto evangelical “spiritual warfare” rhetoric and never let go. By the end, Satan had gone from ancient adversary to full-blown American pop icon, political boogeyman, and Relief Society cautionary tale. It was a tour through fear, folklore, mass media, and the uniquely American tendency to blame the devil for everything from feminism to disco.

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Abish brings in The Fall, a cranberry-ginger-pomegranate-gin concoction anchored by Trader Joe’s seasonal soda and garnished with pomegranate seeds as a nod to the “forbidden fruit.” The gang immediately veers into a full dissertation on Trader Joe’s plants, tiny grocery aisles, ginger snaps, and then somehow a 20-minute side-quest about Lagoon ride safety (or lack thereof). It is peak “welcome to the podcast, we’ve missed chaos.”

Scriptures: [00:24:16]
aaaAAAaaa takes Moses 3 and turns it into a deranged sci-fi lab log written by Dr. E. Lohim, creator of “living meat prototypes.” Adam becomes a beta-tested dirt man given CPR, Eve is printed from a rib in a 3D-bioprinter, and the garden is essentially an overfunded tech demo with terrible UX. The team spirals into bits about Adam trying to fuck every animal, God being forced to make Eve because Adam was an annoying “hey dad hey dad hey dad” only child, and the Hebrew behind “help meet” actually meaning an equal— something millennia of men conveniently edited out. It’s equal parts theology, parody, linguistic correction, and unhinged improv.

Church Teachings: [00:41:11]
Special guest Claudia dives into men’s mental health and how the church frames it—namely, that men are expected to be stoic, preside, provide, and repress every human emotion until it leaks out as a midlife crisis, a podcast, or a Toyota Tacoma. She breaks down the church’s gender expectations, the false dichotomy of “priesthood = strength, womanhood = nurturing,” and how harmful the “men don’t need emotional support” narrative really is. The crew riffs on cultural conditioning, therapy avoidance, and how Mormonism treats emotional vulnerability in men like a contagious sin. It’s shockingly tender, deeply real, and still full of jokes.

History: [01:19:29]
Abigail covers Harold B. Lee, president, bureaucratic fanatic, and one of Mormonism’s top contenders for “Least Fun Man in History.” She traces his Idaho upbringing, his obsession with discipline and order, his meteoric rise through church admin roles, and how he essentially architected correlation—centralized control disguised as spiritual efficiency. Abigail quotes some of his most cringe-inducing lines about women, obedience, and domestic hierarchy, and pairs them with her own early-marriage horror stories to show just how deeply his ideology soaked into Mormon culture. It’s part biography, part feminist takedown, part comedy roast—classic Abigail.

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aaaAAAaaa kicks off with Let There Be Lime, a bright, creamy gin-based drink with lime juice, coconut cream, and a float of blue curaçao that looks “like the firmament if God had a tiki phase.” It’s equal parts creation myth and vacation cocktail—light, tart, and spiritually confusing. Between sips, the crew detours into Trader Joe’s cheese obsessions, Halloween charcuterie feats (“the meat hand”), and a long tangent about the economics of SNAP benefits that somehow circles back to cheese again. By the time anyone remembers they’re supposed to talk scripture, everyone’s already half-drunk and defending kale as if it’s theology.

Scriptures: [00:26:43]
Moroni covers Moses 2, Joseph Smith’s fanfic rewrite of Genesis. He performs it as a full-blown comedy sketch, with “Ancient Chats with Moses” hosted by God Almighty himself. Together, God and Moses walk through creation like a chaotic divine podcast: day one light mode, day two plumbing the firmament, day three inventing kale “to keep people humble,” and day six “beta testing humans.” The hosts argue about the physics of light existing before the sun, roast the logic of creating mosquitoes, and crown day seven “brunch day.” The moral? God invented gays so they could invent brunch.

Church Teachings: [00:45:20]
Abish dives into the church’s official take on creation and how much of it hinges on “order, obedience, and divinely appointed gender roles.” She walks through a church lesson that tries to marry literal creationism with modern science, calling it “a theological hostage negotiation.” The group debates why Mormon God micromanages planets like a middle manager at a failing startup, how “six days” somehow equals “six creative periods,” and how members are still expected to treat both evolution and the six-day creation as equally true. It’s the usual mix of reverence and rage—with sidebars on BYU professors, temple endowment parallels, and how women are expected to “create life” while men “create podcasts.”

History: [01:22:54]
Abigail returns with another prophet bio—this time Joseph Fielding Smith, the ultimate fun-hater of Mormonism. She kicks off the segment mid–Taco Bell Baja Blast cream pie taste test (verdict: “it’s like key lime pie, but with a hint of dew”) before diving into the century-long life of the man who hated evolution more than Satan himself. Born in 1876 and made an apostle by his father in 1910, Smith spent fifty years as church historian—basically in charge of gaslighting the entire religion into consistency. Abigail reads his wildest quotes: evolution “is as false as its author who reigns in hell,” and “a man who believes in evolution has no right to teach in the church.” She skewers his books Man, His Origin and Destiny (“Darwin is a fugly slut”) and The Way to Perfection (“Mormon Doctrine, but make it racist”), tracing how his anti-scien

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