How do you cultivate the 3 different roles of Partner, Lover, and Friend in your singular relationship?

Summer tends to fly by, and it’s easy to find yourself swept up in the busyness. Suddenly it's September, and you realize you haven’t truly connected with your sweetheart. When you intentionally find time for each other, even in small ways, your relationship will grow stronger.

Today, I’m offering you 3 summer time dates to tend each of the three roles in your relationship: Partner, Friend, and Lover:

1. We’ll talk about the balance of the 3 roles and why if The Partner isn’t getting what they need, it can harm your romantic life
2. We’ll focus on all the ways that PLAY—that magic elixir of The Lover is good for calming down the neediness The Partner can bring to your relationship
3. And why the Friend is always the bridge between the other two roles

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

Look for a date night where you can practice noticing all 3 roles--Partner, Friend, and Lover-- and how they contribute to the overall intimacy in your relationship.

Date Night Discussion

This week, think about how each of the roles plays into the connection you have with your sweetheart. Which role do you think is strongest?

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Why did it seem so easy to make friends in kindergarten? And how do you make a new friend now that you’re an adult?

In kindergarten it was easy. Certainly easier. First of all, children that age haven’t yet faced rejection, so they aren’t scared to simply speak their mind, “Want to be my friend?”

Secondly, there were a whole bunch of kids and there was recess. There was a designated time to play with a friend and a host of friends to choose from.

Now that you’re an adult, it feels like there’s never time. And where—WHERE—do I find that pool of people waiting to play? Today, we discuss the role of friendship in your life.

• You’ll get a practical habit to help you make a new friend
• And a discussion prompt so that you and your partner can understand the role of friends in your life outside your relationship

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is two-fold:

1. Put yourself into a situation where it’s easier to make a new friend. 
2. Find a way that’s comfortable for you to take advantage of that situation.

Date Night Discussion

This week I invite you to talk with your partner about friendship. 

Ask your partner who they consider to be good friends? Why does your partner enjoy that person’s or those people’s company? Volunteer the same information, telling your partner about your friends and what they bring to your life.

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When your toddler loses it, it’s tempting for you to lose it too, right? If your kid grabs a toy away from their sibling, do you grab the toy away and say, “We don’t grab things!”

We’ve all done it, right?

Today I talk with Audra Rutnik who helps us understand behavior differently. She fixes behavior at the source: where information is processed. And she’ll help you identify the clues to your child’s—or maybe even your sweetheart’—bad behavior. 

Audra Rutnik is a Pediatric Occupational Therapist with 15 years of experience managing childhood behavior. She invites us to view behavior as a message about the way a child is experiencing the world, and understand why simply disciplining your child doesn't work. I believe that young children's behavior can have a huge impact on the intimacy of your relationship, and that's why I invited her onto the podcast.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to practice the autonomy sandwich with your child. Or, perhaps your task is to acknowledge your sweetheart’s feelings.

Date Night Discussion

This week, especially if you’re encountering repeated behaviors that cause frustration, it will help to get an eagle view of the situation and answer the following two questions:

1. What is the situation or situations where we encounter “downstairs brain” most frequently?
2. How can we offer a full gas tank in those moments? Or, what phrase can we use repeatedly to deal with this “downstairs moment?”

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Connect with my guest

Connect with Audra Rutnik on TikTok or Instagram

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Ever wonder HOW I wrote a book titled “6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication?” Short answer: I failed. A LOT.

Today, I bring you an interview I did on the podcast, Emerging Form, with Christie Aschwanden and Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer.  You’ll get an introduction to the podcast and the two amazing hosts, and you’ll get to hear me talk about my book from a different perspective.

How to FAIL your way into marriage communication

I talk frankly on the podcast about all the ways I fail both as an author and as a wife. Failure is a path to learning, right?

My hope is that you’ll hear my struggle and feel less alone in the struggles you face. Life can be hard! So, when we can laugh at our failures (or at least normalize them) we become more resilient. 

I want you to know these 2 women

Rosemerry is a writing coach for me. She helped me to find the 2-word phrases in my book.  She writes a poem every day! She’s been doing that for more than a decade. She has a compassionate approach to life that is sure to improve every relationship in your life.

Christie is a science-writer, and she has a wonderful podcast, Uncertain. I learned so much about the POWER of curiosity while listening to her podcast. The other reason to love Christie is that she is the Executive Director of The Grand Mesa Nordic Council. This is where I ski each winter. I’m grateful for her leadership.

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Where does happiness come from?

My father is responsible for teaching me how to be happy. He didn’t wait for happiness to find him. He was a happiness magician. 

Is there a place in your life where you are regularly afraid, sad, or lonely? Today, I want to show you how to invite happiness into that place. I’m sharing my father’s lessons so you can find your own happiness handles as you swing on the jungle gym of life.

1. I tell you about the mentor in my life who taught me to find the happiness handles even in the bleakest circumstances.
2. We’ll discuss how shared stories of happiness can deepen the intimacy you feel.
3. And I’ll invite you to strengthen your own happiness muscles so you can find comfort even when you’re scared or struggling.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to practice happiness in a moment when you don’t feel all that happy.

Date Night Discussion

This week, talk with your partner about happiness handles. 

• Talk about how you have provided happiness handles for each other. 
• Or talk about a person who taught you to practice happiness. 
• Or you could tell your partner about a person in your life that could benefit from your happiness practice.

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You want sparkling summer memories. What’s the key ingredient to a summer filled with lasting family memories?

Everyone needs to be having fun. Everyone. And that includes you.

Today, we’re talking about how to make your summer memorable. We’ll talk about inexpensive ways to have fun with your kids, and why YOUR happiness is very important when it comes to establishing family traditions.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

Some of my best summer memories were in the car. We played The Favorites Game.

This game is super simple. Someone names a category, then everyone in the car talks about their favorite. I love this game because you can learn some super idiosyncratic things about the people you love most.

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You were feeling fine—until you saw your friend's vacation photos. When you compare, you don’t just lose confidence—you lose connection, too.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all looked at social media and seen the vacation someone else is taking and we think, “I want her life. She’s got it figured out.” It's the easiest thing in the world to do. It’s also a joy-stealer and a resentment-builder.

Today, we're going to talk about a hard truth: Joy and pain are a package deal. 

1. We'll talk about why comparing your life to someone else's–anyone else's–puts a giant roadblock in the way of the intimacy you feel with your sweetheart. 
2. I'll help you see the five reasons why comparing leads to despairing, and we'll go step by step through five ways to help you remain in your own lane so you can stay sane
3. I'll offer you a habit to help you recognize and shift your response the next time you feel tempted to compare.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit is to first notice when you’re tempted to compare and despair, then, ask yourself enlightened and empowering questions instead.

Date Night Discussion

Sometimes, when I can’t seem to shake off my compare and despair attitudes, I’ll ask my husband or a friend to help me laugh. Laughter is the antidote to envy.

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Do you ever feel lonely in your romantic relationship? Like you're more roommates than lovers?

What's the impact of small bits of affection on your relationship? And what happens when the tenderness disappears?

Have you ever been afraid your partner doesn't love you anymore because the tender touches have disappeared? We'll discuss why this happens and what you can do to bring the tenderness back.

Today, we discuss how a tiny gesture of affection keeps the spark of your love alive. 

1. You’ll learn what the 3 T’s of tenderness are and why, without them, you risk resentment and estrangement in your relationship
2. You’ll hear a story of a couple who used affection to reawaken the love between them
3. You’ll get a habit and a discussion prompt to help you embrace this tiny affection habit into your life

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is a 10-30 second I’m-tethered-to-you hug. For this habit to stick we need two things:

1. We need to find the time of day when it fits into your life and
2. I’ll give you a mantra which you can use verbatim or adjust for yourself. This mantra will help set the intention for your hug so you’re giving the energy to your partner (and receiving the energy) that fosters deeper and deeper intimacy.

Date Night Discussion

We’ve arrived at our date night discussion. This week I invite you to talk about 3 things related to the tethering hug:

1. Find the time of day that will work for you. Remember, consistency is the key.
2. Next, discuss the mantra or intention you want to flavor your hug. What kind of tether do you want your hug to create or reinforce?
3. Finally, I suggest you plan for failure. I know you have good intentions and want this hug to be a part of your lives. I also know life tends to intervene. When you plan what to do when the hug disappears, it’s easier to begin again.

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What does it feel like inside of you when your partner says a genuine “Thank you?”

Today, we discuss why it can be tricky and vulnerable to let the words, “Thank you,” settle all the way into your heart. 

1. I’ll offer you a habit and a discussion prompt to help open your heart to truly receive the gratitude that is everywhere just waiting to land in your lap
2. And you’ll learn how appreciating yourself sets you up for greater intimacy with your partner

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to appreciate yourself. Tune into that internal voice that says you’re not enough, and flip the script. Notice how your day is reflective of your values. 

Date Night Discussion

This week I invite you to appreciate yourself in front of your partner. Here are a couple of prompts:

• Appreciate the way you spent your day and how that aligns with your values. 
• Notice your inner dialogue. Appreciate the changing way you’re talking to yourself.
• Appreciate something you’ve learned, practiced, chased after, and consequently, improved.

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Have you ever considered how a simple "thank you" could transform your relationship?

I've been watching people's relationships since my parents divorced when I was five years old. During those decades of observation, I’ve observed a handful of habits that work over and over. Today's episode focuses on one of those habits. It's all about the magic of thank you. 

I'm bringing this episode back from the archives because it’s a habit that makes a difference every single time. With my private clients, when we focus on this habit of "thank you" for the month, their relationship always has a breakthrough. 

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