Well, there are some things that I love in life and there are some things that I want to avoid like the plague. Conflict is one of those. I am not one of those that looks to run into conflict. In fact, I would classify myself as pretty conflict averse. But I’ve had to learn over time that leadership requires these things to come out eventually. That doesn’t mean I’ve done them great.

Actually, this picture you see—if you’re watching on video—I got from a buddy of mine, Rob Shreve. Don’t worry, audio listeners, I’ll walk through it. Rob has this book by John Maxwell, a leadership guy who talks about leadership principles. It’s a daily read, and today’s was especially interesting and helpful. I wanted to share it with some commentary on how to lean into conflict.

Before we go through the list, I want to bring your attention to a study I went through earlier this year. It was specifically about men, but I think we can broaden it to leaders in general. There are three “biases” they mentioned:

1. Move towards – having the bias to move toward a thing.
2. Be responsible for – taking responsibility even if it’s not your fault.
3. Depend on – learning to rely on others.

We live in a culture, especially in the U.S., that celebrates independence. Independence isn’t wrong, but we are inherently dependent beings. It’s woven into who we are as humans. Learning how to depend on others is key. Right now, I’m depending on this list to help me move toward confrontation.

Why? Because there’s a statement that says: As you endure divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as His own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If you’re not disciplined, as He does all of His children, it means you’re illegitimate and not really His children at all. Discipline can actually show care, concern, and legitimacy when offered thoughtfully.

Here’s the list from Maxwell, with my thoughts:

1. Confront ASAP. This goes back to the leadership bias of moving towards. Last week I noticed a situation that came to a head, and I decided to address it the next day. The longer you let it fester, the worse it gets.

2. Address the wrong action, not the person. Focus on the task or action that was wrong, not on labeling the person. This allows both of you to look at the issue together instead of turning it into a personal attack.

3. Confront only what the person can change. Sometimes people say they can’t change something, but often they can. Look at the heart and mindset. Some core wiring may not be alterable, but most issues of the heart can change.

4. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself: If I let this person go, would they be surprised? That question often reveals whether you’ve done everything to equip them to succeed.

5. Be specific. Be careful here—too many examples can give the other person a way to deflect or create chaos. Stay focused on what matters.

6. Avoid sarcasm. I love sarcasm, but it’s rarely helpful. It often makes the other person feel worse, even if it gets a laugh. The root of the word “sarcasm” comes from the Greek sarx (flesh) and means “to tear flesh.” It’s the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

7. Avoid words like “always” and “never.” It’s rarely true that something happens always or never. Be thoughtful with words—they can light things on fire if we’re not careful.

8. If appropriate, tell the person how you feel about what was done wrong. Saying “I feel” or “I see” communicates perspective, even if it’s not the absolute truth.

9. Give the person a game plan to fix the problem. Even better—work together to create it, but get buy-in first.

10. Affirm them as a person and as a friend. Remind them you appreciate them and that a mistake in a task doesn’t diminish their value or contribution.

I found this list to be a helpful tool. A pastor once said, “I don’t ever want to be convicted of not moving towards a situation. Even if I’m wrong, I want to be convicted of moving toward it.” I’ve started telling my wife, “I think I’m going to lean into this, but there’s a 50/50 chance I might be wrong.”

So, go through this list and ask yourself: Which of these areas do I struggle with most? Do I move toward issues or avoid them? Do I use sarcasm? The goal is to confront in a way that builds up, not tears down.

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