Have coffee with me

Watching Navillera, this heartwarming K-drama tv series reminds me of getting out of my comfort zone. What more can be inspiring than a 70-year-old grandpa trying to learn ballet despite his age? But it’s not only that, this drama will also teach that age is not just numbers, their age comes with knowledge that is based on years of experience.

We are so accustomed to the comforts of “I cannot”, “I do not want to” and “it is too difficult” that we forget to realize when we stop doing things for ourselves and expect others to dance around us, we are not achieving greatness. We have made ourselves weak.” Pandora Poikilos, Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out

If I tell my daughters that gossiping is bad, am I right? If psychologists inform me that gossip is inevitable and extremely beneficial, are they right as well? Yes, there is good and bad gossip and we need to distinguish the two.

As psychologist James Lynch puts it: “Human dialogue can be a great healer or a great destroyer.”

In my opinion, there should be two separate words to connote spreading information in the absence of those about whom we speak. “Gossip” should be reserved for the negative transmission of stories that aim at maligning one’s character, integrity, behavior and essence. “Godspeak” could serve as the term used for dispensing positive, admiring, loving and positive information about others.

Today, May 5 is our 36th wedding anniversary, but we were a couple for 7 years before our wedding day. That means 43 years together.

But instead of focusing on our wedding anniversary, I want to share the wedding vows of Alma and Mario who share the same wedding date- May 5 with us.  10 years ago, I was honored to be part of their 40th wedding anniversary celebration. We celebrated our Silver anniversary in 2010. Just looking at their photos, one can see that they still look young and very much in love. We have another thing in common. We both lost our beloved child many years ago. It is because of this unspeakable loss of our child that we found each other and co-founded a grief advocacy group in 2005 together with Cathy Babao.

A few years ago at Plurk, once my favorite micro-blogging, social networking tool, a plurk  caught my attention:

Someone asked civil and plastic what is the diff? Does it annoy you? When you learn someone is plastic?

My friend goes further to explain that

1. Civil is being nice and mannered while plastic is brown nosing. Does it annoy me? There are times of course I am only human.

2. Plastic has the element of design or wanting something. You trust less the plastic. Anyway, that is for me.

What I found interesting is a Plurk Friend’s response :most people confuse being polite and the social graces with “plastic”.

Imagine the following scenario.

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.

When we forgive, we stop letting our pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.

Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.

I know that I cannot control what other people do including family members, but I can control how I react.

Once upon my early motherhood days, I often deprived myself of nurturing because I found it silly and self-indulgent. Of course, I didn’t know that nurturing is neither silly nor self-indulgent. Years later , after a million mistakes with myself and family members, I found out that nurturing is about how we show love for ourselves. I needed a loving relationship with myself that works so I can have a loving relationship with others that work.

I am not where I am today if I didn’t learn to nurture myself. I wouldn’t have a second wind in my marriage if I didn’t have a loving relationship with myself first. How do I nurture myself?

They say marriage is for better or for worse. Couples try to support and care for each other, through good times and bad. Usually, when one of us hits rock bottom, the other can try to be the mainstay for a little while, to help the other along. But what happens when our child dies? The couple is now cast into the same dark place, struggling with the worst thing they have ever faced. Couples are there together, but they may discover that they are also there alone.

Now not all couples in grief experience this dilemma. I believe that marriages with “wounded bird syndrome” suffer the most. What is the “wounded bird syndrome”?

Who says it is too late to redefine your life? I was 48 years old when I made a decision to choose happiness over misery.

Ever since I changed my attitude towards life, I have never felt so much joy. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that I decided to look beyond the tragedy. I now share that happiness with my husband.

Come to think of it, children are born without baggages. Children are wonderful. It is adults that give them the bad habits. Parents help shape their thoughts and habits in their early years. When I wrote this anecdote, Luijoe was only 4 years old. True, Luijoe was a good boy.

It occurred to me that Luijoe taught me a lot about parenting. Luijoe did not mince words when he found something wrong with my parenting style. I am sure most of you have learned some important lessons from your children. I would like to share some of these poignant memories from my son.

Sometimes I wished I had the power to go back in time and stopped his death. Of course, that is not possible. Those wonderful words he told me weeks before his death is what keeps my faith alive.

Luijoe’s words never fail to bring me hope that we will reunite one day. It gives me the courage to put meaning in my life.