In this heartfelt episode of the Hazard Class Podcast, the host opens up about their personal journey through mental health struggles, culminating in a transformative stay at the IAFF Center of Excellence (COE). This solo episode offers a raw, honest look at the importance of vulnerability, seeking help, and normalizing conversations around mental health within the fire service. Listeners are encouraged to embrace vulnerability, seek support, and prioritize their well-being.

[0:00 - 0:28] Introduction to the Episode

The host introduces a different format for this episode, focusing on their personal story after a stay at the IAFF Center of Excellence. The tone is reflective, with a commitment to share the experience to help normalize mental health struggles.

[0:56 - 1:35] The Need to Share and Normalize Struggles

The host reflects on the importance of being open about mental health, especially in the fire service, where stigma often prevents individuals from seeking help. They express a desire to share their story to inspire others to be open and vulnerable.

[1:36 - 4:19] The Struggle of Self-Loathing and the Desire for Change

The host discusses their inner battle with self-hatred, feelings of being unlovable, and the sense that no matter how much they accomplished, they never felt content. They acknowledge that the desire to “outwork” depression led to further dissatisfaction and despair.

[4:21 - 5:15] Decision to Seek Help at the IAFF Center of Excellence

The host explains the process of reaching out for help and checking into the COE. They highlight the supportive role of their union and city in facilitating this decision. This section touches on the support they received and the relief in finally seeking professional help.

[5:18 - 7:52] The Struggles Before Seeking Help

Before attending the COE, the host describes feelings of worthlessness and the overwhelming cycle of striving to be better without feeling any relief. They reflect on their efforts to achieve success in various areas of their life without gaining happiness.

[7:53 - 9:28] Childhood Trauma and Feeling Unwanted

The host explores the trauma from their childhood, including bullying, and how it shaped their feelings of being unwanted, both within social groups and even among friends. They express how this isolation led to self-doubt and difficulty connecting with others.

[9:32 - 13:44] Acknowledging Trauma and Striving for Self-Acceptance

Further elaboration on how childhood experiences created barriers to self-acceptance. The host shares how they tried to hide behind masks, believing that no one would like them if they knew the real story, further deepening their struggle.

[13:48 - 18:59] Healing and Transformation at the COE

After 39 days at the COE, the host describes feeling "incredible" and discusses how the experience allowed them to open up, build connections, and gain a fresh perspective on life. They express gratitude for the supportive environment and how healing comes from vulnerability.

[19:04 - 22:58] The Struggles of Public Recognition During a Personal Crisis

The host reflects on a particularly difficult period when they received awards for their work in a rescue operation, but the external recognition only deepened their internal struggles. They share the disconnect between public accolades and their private pain, and how this contributed to their depression.

[22:59 - 24:15] Reaching Peace and Accepting the Fire Service Awards

The host discusses their internal transformation, being able to accept the awards without feeling undeserving. They reflect on the value of teamwork and their pride in their colleagues, and how they finally reached peace with both their achievements and struggles.

[24:17 - 28:02] The Power of the Fire Service and Personal Growth

The host reflects on how the fire service gave them a sense of identity and achievement that they hadn’t experienced before. This section also touches on the all-consuming nature of their work and how it affected their personal life.

[28:02 - 28:45] The Importance of Talking About Mental Health

The host emphasizes the need for people to speak up about their struggles, especially the importance of normalizing the act of asking for help. They encourage listeners to push through the fear of reaching out for support.

[28:45 - 30:06] The Relief of Seeking Help

The host shares how, once they admitted they needed help, the process became more accessible, and the emotional burden lightened. This section encourages listeners to take the first step in seeking support when they’re struggling, emphasizing that help is available.

[30:06 - 31:10] Final Thoughts and Gratitude

The host wraps up with a message of hope and encouragement, expressing their gratitude for the support they received at COE, as well as their peers and clinicians. They reflect on their ongoing commitment to share their journey with others, with the hope of normalizing these important conversations.

• The pivotal moment when the host realizes that seeking help is essential for healing and growth.
• The message that "secrets keep us sick" and the power of vulnerability in recovery.
• A profound shift from internal pain to a sense of peace and acceptance, showing that brighter days are ahead even after struggling for years.